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Disengaging from adult step kids

CarrieB40's picture

So here's my story. I'll try to keep it short. I am a bio Mom of two girls 18 and 14 and a Step mom to a 27, 26 and 22 year olds. I have been married to my husband for 4 years and together for 10 years. My husband was already divorced from his Ex when we met.
My step kids, particularly the 27 and 25 year old girls have rarely given me the time of day. Basically they only contact me via text if they want or need something. They have sabotaged every plan I have tried to make ( birthday parties ect), did not attend our wedding( step Son attended). I've been ignored , starred at and basically not included as a family member. I've never received a birthday wish, Christmas gift and recently was not invited to take part in our step daughters engagement party photos. I have tried endlessly but am realizing I must disengage to save my sanity.
Both Step Daughters are starting up a catering business and asked their dad if we could rent a hotel room for the weekend so they could use our house for a pop-up restaurant...he told them yes without consulting with me. Needless to say I told him no and asked why I was never brought into this conversation to begin with. He's pissed at me and hasn't talked to me for 2 days. It's the same old thing. We've tried councelling but the truth is he will put everyone else aside to please his girls.

Sparklelady's picture

I'm sorry that your husband did this. It is very wrong for him to give your house over to other people without even asking - doesn't matter who those people are!

If he has always allowed these things to happen over the last 10 years, I'm afraid that there is a fundamental flaw in your relationship - and disengaging alone isn't going to fix that particular problem. I don't know what to say about fixing the relationship with your husband, it's terrible that he doesn't stand up for you. Some counseling just for you, to be able to talk to someone about how you're feeling and how to deal with it, might not be a bad idea - you might learn some good coping skills for working with and dealing with your husband. You should certainly disengage from your stepdaughters though, as well as anyone who doesn't treat you with respect!

Orange County Ca's picture

Bingo.

peacemaker's picture

Perhaps you should suggest they rent a ballroom or conference room at the hotel instead...tell them it would be more professional because it was in a commercial space...not a residential home...THEY WILL DISCOVER THE REASONS'S WHY THEY CAN'T DO IT LEGALLY (HEALTH DEPT)...plus I don't think it is legal for them to put a pop up restaurant in you home...the health dept would shut it down..Also your brilliant DH should have considered the risk liability...you probably don't have insurance to cover it..and if there is 1 ONE one...hear me one...incident with an injury or food poisoning of any kind YOU COULD LOSE YOUR PERSONAL PROPERTY if this pop up restaurant is not a corporation and insured right...ABSOLUTELY NO GIRL!...You could seriously lose everything...just call your insurance agnt and have them give you DH the information to back you up....

WAY BIGGER ISSUES WITH THIS THAN THE INCONSIDERATE WAY HE HANDLED IT...DEAL WITH THAT LATER...FOR NOW PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR HOME.....

2Tired4Drama's picture

^^^This, absolutely! I was just going to comment on the same things. This is a HUGE HUGE liability!

sandye21's picture

More justification to just say, "No!!!!!" My DH allowed SD and her hubby to use MY kitchen (the house was mine) to make Christmas cookies as gifts for friends while I was at a meeting for a few hours. No one said a word to me before hand. I came home from a meeting and there they were - in full control of my kitchen. I was totally invisible to all of them, including DH. It was awful to not only feel bulldozed by SD but completely disregarded by DH. In the end, I rated one cookie. But I had not considered this could have been a legal issue - it could have been a disaster.

Your DH handled the situation much like mine did but he learned quickly, and painfully that there are consequences to treating your wife badly. Stand your ground on this one.

Peacemaker suggested they rent a room for their 'pop up restaurant'. But that would cost them money, right? The 'pop up restaurant' sounds like a fun idea but then, so does bungie jumping.

toywas's picture

Girl, STAND YOUR GROUND! If you let them or DH get away with this, they will be walking all over you all the time and everytime! Trust me I know; I'm going through it right now!

If you really need to feel involved and do your part, then give them some paper and pens so they can write the damn menus!

Hoppy girl's picture

It is painful to be married to a man who is not putting you first. I couldn't do it. That is a marriage built on quick sand, not a solid foundation. Not speaking to you is very passive aggressive and rotten communication skills. It sounds like it may be time to set some boundaries with your husband. He isn't putting you first and he is completely disrespecting your basic rights. Disengaging 'might' save your sanity, but I don't know....sounds like the real problem is your husband.