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SS21 uses home as hotel

Nicole442's picture

Need advice on how to get SS21 to go home already and stop using mine and DH's house as a hotel. This will be long, I apologize in advance but I need to rant about all of it since I'm new to the site and have only posted one other time. I really don't get kids today. Why does a 21 year old want to spend the night sleeping on the couch when he has a bed and his own room at his grandparent's house? And I love my parents and all but when I was 21 I had friends and things to do other than be up my parent's butt all the time. Ok, so, I have only been married to DH for a little over a year. I am 40 years old and have no kids of my own. Since marrying DH I now have a SD19 and SS21. Neither one of the Skids lived with DH when we met and married. SD lived with grandparents by choice and SS lived on his own. DH moved in with me after we married because he was renting an apartment and I own my home so it was only logical. Since we got married SS21 decided that he no longer wanted to live on his own so he moved in with grandparents. SS21 does not have a good work history and is a border line alcoholic so he was not moving in with me and DH. Last Christmas SS and DH were involved in an ATV accident that resulted in SS having multiple surgeries on his leg due to a compound fracture. Right after the accident he got on temporary disability because he was unable to work until he could get his leg healed. Since his accident the drinking has gotten worse because he says it helps with the pain. I have had several conversations with DH about the drinking and have expressed my concern of it possibly being a problem for him but DH doesn't think it's a problem so he will not talk to SS about it. Here we are a year later...SS21 is still on temporary disability even though all the surgeries are done and he has completed all of his physical therapy. He is now back up to one hundered percent weight on the leg and is well on the road to recovery other than he's up to about a fifth of whiskey every two days. DH still does not think that the drinking is a problem. SS21 got released to drive about two months ago and since then he is at our house all of the time. No one ever asks me is it ok for him to come over and no one tells me when he is coming over. The problem with that is that I never know when he is going to leave. He will show up and sleep on my couch for days at a time. He will not leave until I put my foot down with DH and say he has to go home. DH does not seem to mind him being there all the time and sleeping on the couch. It drives me insane. Our home is not big and there is very little privacy when SS is there. He just lays on the couch, eats, drinks and plays Xbox. He does not live with us. He has his own bedroom at his grandparents house, where he has been living since the day he decided he didn't want the responsibilities of living on his own. I understand that the injury set him back because he couldn't work but now he has recovered and there are jobs that he could do (his chosen profession is construction work and he still can't do that kind of work yet). His temporary disability is about to run out and I think that he needs to find a job, if only part time. He has blown through every cent of his disability money with nothing to show for it other than a buzz. I have been adament that he will not move in with us full time and that is the only reason he hasn't tried to move in yet but DH allows him to come over and stay for days at a time even after I sat down with him and explained that it was too much for me to deal with. I lost my dad to heart disease three months ago. My mom has had a difficult time with dad passing. My sister and I are having to help her. I work a full time job that entails twelve hour shifts. I feel like I can't get any down time because there is always a 21 year old laying on my couch. I am literally about to explode and have pondered the idea of finding a therapist so that I would have someone to express myself to. I have tried talking to DH and explaining to him that SS21 being there for days at a time was leaving me and him little to no bonding or intimate time and that we needed alone time to focus on our marriage but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Short of just walking in and showing my ass with both of them and potentially ruining my marriage I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that I need to stand up to DH and SS21 and set boundaries but I'm not sure how to go about it without causing major issues in my marriage because we all know that if an ultimatium is given I'm gonna lose that battle. But if I continue to allow myself to be walked on I'm gonna explode one day and it isn't gonna be pretty. Any advice is welcome. I want SS21 gone but I don't want to destroy my marriage in the process. 

BM is not mentioned because she is in prison and not in the picture at all. 

Harry's picture

He letting this happen,  and you are going along with it.  It's your home.  Tell DH his kids have to go by February 1 st or sooner.  Or on Feb 2 nd. DH will be going 

tog redux's picture

What is up with these selfish men who can't take their partner's needs into consideration? Of course you are annoyed by a grown man laying on your couch for days getting drunk.  We have a small house too, and when SS was visiting, if DH didn't let him play video games, he'd hang out in the living room (where I usually am) and it annoyed me. He was a kid then - if he did it now at 6'2" and 230 lbs and age 19, I'd lose my mind (and I like SS okay - and he's not a drunk).

I think you need to have it out with DH and demand some input into how long this kid is allowed to visit.

Nicole442's picture

I had a conversation with DH in which I told him that I was fine with SS21 visiting during the day when DH was off work and they could spend time together but I really wished that he would go home at night and not sleep on the couch especially if the next day was my off day from work. I have a morning routine on my off days that entail me sitting on my couch, that I paid for and watching my TV, that I paid for while I drink coffee in my pajamas. This routine is obviously interrupted when there is a grown man lying on my couch. DH still lets him spend the night, even after this conversation. It's almost like he is afraid to hurt SS21's feelings. He treats him like he is this fragile flower that can't handle any type of negativity or truth. I will never understand why it is so hard for him to just be honest with SS21 and tell him that sleeping on the couch for days at a time is not ok. DH will go so far as to actually lie to SS21 and tell him that we have plans or that I have a dr. appt. that he needs to go to with me to get him to go home when he knows I am at my breaking point. 

tog redux's picture

Personally, I think you have to make him more worried about upsetting you than upsetting SS21. I'm sure you can figure out how.  Smile

 

Eve-Bee's picture

It seems like the xbox is contributing to the problem, my first step would be to remove it from him. 

Then make a plan and stick to it. 

susanm's picture

X-Boxes mysteriously stop working.  It takes 2 minutes on Google to find out how.   And you can forget to purchase the things he likes to snack on.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to give him no reason to be in your living room instead of his own room.  This message will spontaneous combust in 15 seconds.  Good luck to you.   Smile

Nicole442's picture

The kitchen and living room in our house are open to each other. I have to be up at 4AM to go to work. I turn on every light in the house and make as much noise as possible while making coffee and getting ready for work. My feet are very heavy at 4AM when he is on my couch sleeping. I figure if he don't like it, he can go home. I have also found a fondness for watching Disney movies in my living room when he is there. I know it's petty but it gives me small moments of satisfaction.

Aunt Agatha's picture

You are being taken advantage of because your 'DH' is more afraid of his son than you.  
 

what is the worst that can happen?  Your DH leaves?  Where is he going to go with his drunk man-baby?  If he does leave it frankly sounds like a win for you.

 

I's be furious.  You are a much kinder person than me.

Nicole442's picture

I am trying really hard to summon my inner bitch (if cursing is not allowed on this site, someone please let me know). I am trying to resolve this issue peacefully but if I can't find a way to do that I will eventually be ugly about it. 

notarelative's picture

He’d have a hard time sleeping on my day off. I’d be vaccuming the room with music turned way up. I need music when I dust too. 

 

Nicole442's picture

What is everyone's thoughts on me going directly to SS21 and telling him myself since DH doesn't seem to be able to be honest with him?

tog redux's picture

I think it's your only option if DH won't do it - try it nicely at first, and then if that doesn't work, let him know point blank that he's not welcome to stay.  Chances are he's too drunk to drive, so send him home in an Uber.

Nicole442's picture

I've already run into that problem once. Me and DH both had to work. SS21 asked DH if he could stay while we were at work and watch TV. DH told him yes. I then told DH that SS21 needed to be gone when I got home from work that afternoon. Well, guess what...he was still there when I got home and when I questioned DH about it he told me that SS21 had been drinking and couldn't drive home. He stayed the night but left early the next morning after I showed my tail with DH.

hereiam's picture

What is wrong with your husband that he doesn't see (or care) that his 21 year old son has a drinking problem and that he, himself, is helping to facilitate it?

I would tell your husband that there will be no one in your home while the two of you are at work, there will be no drinking alcohol in your home, and no one spends the night. This "kid" will be moved back in and mooching off of you before long, wallowing in self-pity and booze.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, a fifth of booze in 2 days is frightening for anyone, much less a 21-year-old. But denial accompanies alcoholism.  Who is buying it for him?

Does DH have an alcohol problem himself, or do other family members?

Nicole442's picture

He is buying it with his disability check. DH drinks socially but that's only if we go out with friends. I made it clear that our money, mine and DH's, would not contribute to SS's problem. DH knows that I would flip my lid if he used our money to buy SS's alcohol. There are no other alcohol problems in his family that I know of and he is not allowed to drink at his grandparents where he lives. 

Nicole442's picture

Let me clarify..his grandparent's supposedly do not know that he drinks at their house. His bedroom there is upstairs and his grandparents never go up there. Their bedroom is on the main level. I know he drinks there and just hides it. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Tell him he can't drink there either. When the excuse of "our house is the only place he can drink" excuse comes up, tell dh that its not your problem. 

hereiam's picture

Why shouldn't you? It's your home and if your husband won't do anything about it, what choice do you have?

Eve-Bee's picture

Honestly, I think it would be a mistake, it shows that you do not have the loyalty of your DH, his son has it. Then he will be able to play you two up against eachother. I think that the problems will just come flowing if your DH does not put his foot down. Your DH needs to stepup and be a proper husband.  Also, you are giving your dh an easy way out of the responsibility of setting boundaries for his grown son. And you will become the "evil stepmom" so his father is free of fault in his sons eyes. 

shamds's picture

even if your husband contributes to bills etc, this grown ass skid is mooching off both your generosity. More electricity, water, utilities and groceries used up by him.

give hubby the ultimatum this is your home and he needs to go and it’s completely selfish of hubby to exoect you suck it up

captjacksprrw's picture

At the risk of souding jaded, the BIOS are the issue here.  Rather than making your marriage the center, he is praising the infallible child.  But enough negative ... I really urge you to sit down with DH and be very clear that this is not acceptable.  Tell him that you want the two of you to understand where each other are, what you need and what you think.  Then, tell him your need and expectation is that he is on board with SS21 coming over only during the day and no drinking at your place.  Both of you can inform him.  Also consider a few counseling sessions with DH but research and find a good, balanced counselor.

DH is enabling him and damaging your marriage.  Best place to start is with very open communication and expressing exactlty what you need.  Let DH know you want SS21 to do well but that thecurrent behavior has to stop.  Let him know that you feel your marriage is very important and that this is seriously damaging that relationship.

As for the Xbox; I had a little experience here.  Make sure SS21 does not have the admin password to your router (change it if he does).  Then, you can enable port blocking.  Unless you and DH play Xbox, disabling a few ports will likely not cause any changed to the net for you but will keep him from connecting to online games.  Block 88, 3074, 53, 4500  That should do it. 

StepUltimate's picture

"Block 88, 3074, 53, 4500"

... three years ago, when I would have done some seriously strategic xbox blocking instead of just taking the wi-fi router to work with me?!?!!

Thanks for sharing the magic #'s. Biggrin

CLove's picture

Yes, this is DH's CHILD but this is YOUR house. You are the boss of your household, what you say goes.

MissTexas's picture

I'm wondering, and depending your what state you are in, that may be grounds to getting him out the door also.

I know in Texas, your license is the determiner for where you LIVE. 

These men don't take lightly to having their wives tell them to man up to their kids. You know why? It's a reflection on his poor, or non-existent parenting! Nobody will ever change what they refuse to confront.

Many a man has thrown away his marriage for the sake of their no good POS "kids" and I hope you're able to make yours see the light.

I would toss them both out of MY HOUSE until they came around to my way of thinking. Since they worship one another, they could be roommates under an overpass in a refirgerator box for all I care. Show respect, or I'll gladly show you the door, and don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out! Or better yet, let it! Maybe that'll get the message across.

bertieb's picture

Get some money and go to a hotel for a weekend. Tell your husband you need some alone time to think about SS and whether you can deal with it much longer.  Then enjoy yourself in your hotel room, or getting your nails done, whatever you like besides your home. Maybe your husband will have a wake up call when he has to take care of himself and SS alone..