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SS back to drugs. DH heartbroken but not trying to FIX SS's life. Yet.

Merry's picture

The other possible subject title I considered was: BM wins GBM of the year!

Here's the story. We got a call from SD late last night (SS has been living with SD and her family while he looks for a job in SD town--long, enabling story there). SS went through rehab about three years ago and as far as we know was clean until recently. But he was caught with drugs, and SD tossed him out of her house. SD has a 7 year old and BM KNEW SS WAS USING and did not tell her own daughter. My mind is blown.

SS distraught, suicidal. Cops take him to a hospital psych unit. (Lord, I hope the child didn't witness any of this.) Lies, excuses, as expected from an addict. We're hoping he'll be admitted into detox today, and from there who knows. And, oh, he has no health insurance. Of course not. Not even the cheap Obamacare option he could have signed up for last week.

DH is absolutely destroyed over this. Sobbing. But I am so proud of him. He ASKED me if SS could come stay with us for a bit. I did not scream "hell no" as I wanted to, but I did say, "What is the exit plan? We agreed that none of our adult children would ever live with us again." That was all. DH texted SS that he loves him, but don't plan to come to our house. And DH has not taken off for SS/SD town. DH has several commitments in his own life he needs to take care of in the next few days, and after that he will go if he thinks that would be helpful. Not riding in on the white horse to "fix this" and "take care of SS" is huge.

Last time DH had to face his son's addiction, he buried his head in the sand. This time, he is making appointments to talk with various people so he can understand what he must and must not do, and he has asked me to go with him. I will support DH in doing whatever is most helpful for SS. But that does not include having him in my home for anything more than a short visit, or opening my bank account. I have done both before and there is no more.

Warning to all Disney Dads: this will happen to you if you don't teach your child how to function as a responsible adult.

bearcub25's picture

I would allow an adult kid/skid come to stay to get on their feet IF they were working and just had a truly major hardship and relapsing isn't one of them.

I had to use tough love on my DS, that is the only thing you can do. They will then get the help they need or it just proves they were out to use you in the first place wanting to come home.

Merry's picture

Yeah, I agree with that--a truly major hardship that was not self-inflicted. And there would still be expectations and an exit plan.

SS, when sober, is engaging and smart. When using, he's lying and manipulative. And it's very hard to tell them apart.

Orange County Ca's picture

If that kid was mine and wanted to live with me a weekly drug test available on the Internet would be agreed to.

Merry's picture

DH just called. Supposedly SS was going into detox, then into rehab. But somehow that won't work out (I don't know why), and SD won't let him stay back at her house. Good for her.

DH says to me, "Baby, I'm not putting this on you, but..." Which means he IS putting it on me. He wanted to fly SS to our place for a week or so until he can sort this out. He'd already priced out tickets. That's bad enough, but flying him to our place means a two-hour trip to the airport. And two hours back. And we have solid plans for the weekend and house guests arriving.

I said nothing. The only things I could think to say were ugly. So I let silence speak.

DH says, "So you don't want him here?" I said as calmly as I could, "No. And I don't want to reward his bad behavior and solve problems of his own making. All you are doing is bailing him out again, rewarding his behavior with a trip, and spending hundreds of dollars that we don't have."

"But I can't have my kid on the streets," he says. I suggested a homeless shelter. I was serious. DH hung up. Maybe that IS cold, I don't know. I truly don't know. I honestly love that young man and want the best for him, but I am DONE cleaning up after him. DONE. I fear DH will chase this forever though.

It will not be a pleasant weekend at my house after all. Damn.

Merry's picture

Yeah, I think I did the right thing. And I know DH (and none of his family) will let poor SS suffer the consequences of his own actions. NONE of us have experience with addiction. Everyone wants to "help." DH comes from a family where everyone is in everyone else's business with plenty of advice. Poster family for enmeshment, enabling, and codependency. I didn't even know what those things were ten years ago. Looking back on my early relationship with DH, I now see giant red flags flying. Why, oh why is love so blind?

I appear to be the only one reading and learning about what is and is not "helping." I will continue to do that because it is helping me--in the healthy sense--establish my own boundaries. But I don't expect it to make a damn bit of difference for DH or SS.

Thank you. I truly value this community.

usedup1's picture

He got caught!!!!

Now...what are his consequences? ??

Move back in after you both agreed to not allow this.

Hes threatening suicide? Believe me when I say this because I've had experience on this somewhat... but most people ( not all) who have committed the act of suicide NEVER threaten it...

He got caught...

The only person who can help his son get clean is HIS SON....

Oh boy... I feel for you because your life as you know it is over for now...

Merry's picture

The missing piece of Friday's puzzle was that SD was getting her information about SS not being qualified for detox from SS himself. When she finally spoke to a doc, the doc said he had in fact already tested positive for opioids AND cannabis. SS is just lying and manipulating everyone he can to get what he wants. This is what addicts do.

Given this new information, DH was grateful that I hadn't caved in. We went out, had a very pleasant evening, and did not discuss SS until the next day.

DH is angry. And consumed with guilt. He needs help to deal with this himself, because every parental instinct to help or save a child from themselves is usually the wrong thing to do. But DH is not willing, yet, to try Al-Anon or other group-type support. Up to him, but he's got to find a way to be able to set boundaries. Otherwise his reaction will be to always "save" or "help" and I will always be the bad guy.

So detox it is. From there on to rehab, we hope. But SS doesn't want to go. Says he doesn't need it, nor does he need a 12-step program or program of any kind. He is FINE and we just need to TRUST him. Which leaves him nowhere to go--not SD's, not our house, even BM said no unless he is in a program. It is heartbreaking.

Merry's picture

Yes. He hasn't had a jail stint yet, but it's just a matter of time. And this is why DH needs to set boundaries NOW because if fragile little SS is in jail, DH will bail him out. If SS is homeless, DH will bring him to our house or pay to put him up somewhere. He will be unable to see any other path. DH desperately needs to find a counselor who works with families of addicts to help him through this.

Merry's picture

Time to get out the popcorn.

SS left detox. Would not go to rehab. They put him on a bus to his sister's house. SD has his stuff packed up and sitting on her porch. I hope she is strong enough not to answer the door when he freaks. I hope she and SGS leave the house to she doesn't have to watch the train wreck.

Evidently this is BM's plan. DH has very little contact with BM, and now he wants none ever again. I am sure she is going to swoop in for the rescue (and do exactly the wrong thing). So SS will likely go to BMs. Or, worse, he could show up on our doorstep. Either way, he doesn't have any money for gas to make it to either place.

DH says he is going to cut off SS's cell phone today. I hope he does. I bet he doesn't.

My concern now is SS's car. DH (stupidly) gave him a car (DH's old one and DH got a new one--I was not in favor but what do I know and what could possibly go wrong with that plan). DH signed all the stuff to transfer title, and he gave SS money to have the car plated in SS's new state. I suspect SS didn't register and plate the car. Plates from our state expired months ago. So, does DH still own the car if the transfer has not yet been recorded? We are still carrying insurance for SS/car.

Ooooh, DH just told me that he has just now cut off SS's phone. Wow. I am shocked.

Merry's picture

Yep, DH paid for a hotel room for SS last night. And turned his phone back on this morning. Oh, but there were good REASONS. And DH knows it LOOKS like he's caving in to his son, but he's really NOT, and I should just trust him. Well, I don't. I have plenty of experience and have seen thousands of dollars go toward "helping" SS. Know what SS had to show for it? A car DH gave him but no money for gas. Several years of college but no degree (and DH has the privilege of still paying off parent loans). That's about it.

SS is supposedly going to talk with a rehab facility today. If they will take him TODAY, great. If not, I wonder where he will stay tonight? Another hotel? Gosh, I hope it has room service and pay per view, because surely fragile little SS has suffered enough.

dadsnewwife's picture

Been there, done that as well. Every time SS21 cleans up his act, dh takes him back in. I told him no more, but...yearight. He's already talking about letting SS21 live with us if/when he wants to attend a training program at our local community college. (He currently lives in a halfway house and is waiting tables part-time and attends NA meetings.) I pretty much stay silent and just give him "the look". He knows I don't want him back. I almost moved out last year when he lived with us. Between his slobbenly ways, not listening and dh enabling him...I blew MORE than once and threatened to move out. In the end, I thought...why should I? It's MY home, not SS's! He crashed and burned again on drugs last Fall, dh threw him out, he went on a Meth bender for a week; came home all beat up; dh let him stay with us for a week until he could get into rehab. He finished that, then went straight to the safe house. So, yes...there IS government support for people who have nothing. SS21 has a government cell phone, welfare and food stamps. What I really hate is when dh says to me, "You'd do the same if it was YOUR kid." (I have 4 DDs who are all college grads with jobs.) I respond, "MY kids don't do drugs." He shuts up.

Best of luck, stand your ground, and obviously, you now know you're not alone.

Merry's picture

I so very much appreciate everyone's comments. I am sorry others are going through this, but I am grateful for the company and the shoulder.

DH thinks SS will enter a rehab program on Friday. I hope he does. In the meantime, I'm pretty sure we're paying for a $100+/night hotel. Pool, internet, HBO, nice breakfast. Oh, and DH just got a notice that his bank account is overdrawn by $500 -- I'm sure DH's plan is that I will bail him out. And he's traveling this weekend. I wonder how he'll pay the cab fare from the airport to the hotel. But somehow we have plenty of money to support SS.

Making this all worse is that I am having major surgery next week. I am a pretty together person but this extra stress and turmoil has tipped me over into emotionville. I am so worried that DH will continue to be wrapped up in SS drama--this means at least 4 phone calls a day from SD for updates, maybe a phone call or two from BM, who knows how many texts among them. I told DH that I will need him 100%, his full attention for a couple of days. That doesn't mean no contact with SS/SD/BM, but I don't want him answering or checking his damn phone when we are having a meal or having a conversation. I need my husband occasionally too. I don't think that is selfish.

I get so tired of always being the strong one.

Merry's picture

Today was the day for SS to check in to the rehab place. SD took him. Something happened to upset SS while checking in, and he got mad, loud, cursed, slammed doors. Rehab says "come back when you can behave." Next opportunity is a month from now.

SD has been a saint in all this. She is now thoroughly done with her brother. BM says he can come to her town but not stay with her, and she will look for a program there but he'll likely be in a shelter until he can get in to something. There is a residential rehab program near us, but the low cost one is still $3K/month. Not happening.

DH is out of town, so he calls me to give me the news. DH is scared to death of his son being in a shelter. He really, really wants to bring him to our house. I said absolutely not--we had the same conversation a few days ago when DH paid for a hotel room for SS while he was waiting to get into this rehab program, and a few days prior to that too when we learned of the relapse. I am having surgery next week and I will not have the chaos and distraction, let alone an addict in my house while I have pain medication around. Oh hell no. While DH understands that, he is disappointed and scared. And furious with SS.

SS has done this to himself. I hate it. I truly do. What we are seeing here is natural consequences being played out. SD and BM have rightly set their boundaries, and so have I. DH is really struggling but I think he's out of options.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sadly, until the addicted SS hits bottom and makes the DECISION and COMMITMENT to change, nothing anyone does for him is going to help him. It just ends up enabling them. This is one situation where your DH's good intentions will not get any results.

I am so glad he is seeking information on ways to cope with his son's behavior. What is the phrase....nothing changes when nothing changes. I know you will support him in this as it will be a rough ride.