You are here

Shunned at SD bridal shower

Outcastpushover's picture

Am i wrong to feel jaded for no one including me?  

The bridal shower was planned my her mother and mother in law. I was asked via text to bring a dish. Thats it. However SD spent week long visit in our new home. I went all out preparing guest room with spa stuff in guest bath, shopped together, spent over $300 on her last minute idea to add champagne at shower. Lent her use of my car all week. After she posts a big thank you to everybody (I mean she tagged 22+ in the post) EXCEPT me! 

Cant wait for the wedding! Not!

 

 

 

Outcastpushover's picture

Also they didn't invite anyone from my family. Maybe im just being too sensitive?

Outcastpushover's picture

I have no prior experience with this, know next to nothing about wedding etiquette but feel disrespected by husband and SD for none of my family invited to any of the VW wedding plans. Nothing. Is this normal?

elkclan's picture

I think there is more than one issue here. 

I don't have any girls. But let's say I did. I wouldn't expect my extended family to be invited to a shower organised by the SD's mother. If SD had been a big part of my family's lives and they want to be involved - then I would organise my own shower for her. It really depends on your family dynamics if this is appropriate. Anyway this is on BM and on MIL. MIL will probably not have known. And as a BM and a SM there's no way I'd go out of the way to invite BM's extended family to a party I was holding or if my ex ever had a partner - her extended family. 

So yes, I think you are being oversensitive, but I can see why. Because you HAVE been slighted. 

If you spent money and resources on things which were REQUESTED or EXPECTED then you deserve acknowledgement and thanks. If you spent resources on things that weren't requested or expected or that matter more to you than to her, you don't and it's a 'gratitude trap'. For example, spa products in the bathroom, maybe she's really into that maybe she isn't. I'm not, so I probably wouldn't either notice or care and I wouldn't think about thanking someone. I would assume that they weren't even meant for me, because everyone knows I'm a low-maintenance slob. Or worse, I'd assume (wrongly sometimes) it was a commentary on my low-maintenance slobness and of course I wouldn't offer any thanks. 

 My mother used to get really, really upset with me because I was suffciently grateful that she spent all this effort decorating things in a way that I didn't care for and wasn't to my taste or I felt was a bit silly. 

HOWEVER, the car, the champagne, etc. You deserve a thanks and it was rude and inappropriate of her to not do so. But please, for your sake, as well as hers, say something to both her father and to her. But please try to separate the areas where she really has slighted you and where you're upset because you were already and upset and looking for further evidence of her rudeness. (I do this, too - it's pretty natural, but not ok).

 

ldvilen's picture

Here's an interesting link on Ways to Deal with Not Being Thanked for a Gift:  https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Not-Being-Thanked-for-a-Gift

Being a SM is not easy.  There are many things that make it difficult for us, and one of those things is continually hearing from people that you are over-reacting, making something out of nothing and so on.  The expectation for SMs is that they continually, if not every time, suck it up and take it for the initial family.  Step-parents are often stuck trying to weigh everything and asking themselves if they did the right thing.  After all, if there are 22 family members standing around, and anything bad happens, anything. . . more than likely the first person anyone is going to look at is the outsider--in this case, SM.  (And, you may think you are a family member, but hate to say this, SS's GF of 3 months would probably be accepted as a family member more readily than a SM or any of her relatives would.)  

To make what could be a very long story short, my advice to any SM is do what works for you.  Go with your gut.  If it feels off, it probably is off, despite the fact that you may not always be able to put your finger on it right away.  Do what works for you, because 90% of the time a SM does anything, there is someone there implying it was somehow wrong.  For some unimaginable reason, everyone tends to think they know more about how to be a SM than a SM, even tho. they have never been one.  It is one of the many backward approaches that SMs have to deal with all the time.

Secondly, regarding the shower, wedding, etc., you don't have to participate or go if you do not want to.  If you think you go to these events and are continually slighted or treated like a leper who just happened to wander in, let DH go to these events alone, or don't go.  Send a card, gift and give your regrets.  And, pls. try to find out ahead of time what the plan is for you at the wedding.  You do this for your own safety, security.  You may assume, as anyone would assume, that since you are husband and wife you will be treated like husband and wife.  But, you could go to the event, and find yourself with no seat, DH is told at the last second he has to walk BM down the aisle and plop next to her, you are not permitted to be in any pictures, and at the reception, you find yourself seated alone at the kids' table.  Again, remember, you don't have to attend and suck it up for the 104,000 time if you don't want to.

Take care, and best of luck to you.  The quicker a SM learns to say No and mean No, the better.  No guilt either.

Loksi52's picture

I would have understood had they explained it to me why I was not welcome at the wedding.  I did so much for my SS and his new wife and I was supportive when they numerous times complained about BM to me.  It seriously shocked me when it was all over facebook that I wasn't family and not supporting them.  Then they demanded my DH walk the BM down the aisle but didn't want me there?  I cried all night.  I grieved over the loss of what I thought was a great relationship.  Silly me.  Thank you again for explaining this to me because it came out of the blue and I didn't know how to handle it.  At least my DH initially refused to go if I wasn't invited and they then held that against me and played the but SS is blood kin and it wasn't asking too much card.  I would never make my DH choose between me and my SS so I convinced him it was ok for him to go and I wouldn't.  It was a horrible situation and so unexpected it will take me a while to get over it. I certainly won't be lavishing my hard earned money on them after them telling my DH they were using me because they could.  SMH.  

 

mapitout's picture

"Being a SM is not easy.  There are many things that make it difficult for us, and one of those things is continually hearing from people that you are over-reacting, making something out of nothing and so on.  The expectation for SMs is that they continually, if not every time, suck it up and take it for the initial family.  Step-parents are often stuck trying to weigh everything and asking themselves if they did the right thing.  After all, if there are 22 family members standing around, and anything bad happens, anything. . . more than likely the first person anyone is going to look at is the outsider--in this case, SM.  (And, you may think you are a family member, but hate to say this, SS's GF of 3 months would probably be accepted as a family member more readily than a SM or any of her relatives would.)"

"To make what could be a very long story short, my advice to any SM is do what works for you.  Go with your gut.  If it feels off, it probably is off, despite the fact that you may not always be able to put your finger on it right away.  Do what works for you, because 90% of the time a SM does anything, there is someone there implying it was somehow wrong.  For some unimaginable reason, everyone tends to think they know more about how to be a SM than a SM, even tho. they have never been one.  It is one of the many backward approaches that SMs have to deal with all the time."

shamds's picture

Engagement, wedding or reception. Why?

because they’re all rude, narcissistic, disrespectful, pathetic arseholes and their bio mum and her family are batshit crazy. I never want to meet bio mum and her family. I won’t force my kids to go and by the time skids marry my kids will still be in primary school. I wouldn’t pull them out of school to fly overseas to skids wedding. 

They don’t deserve that respect and attention from us as they themselves never made an effort to maintain a relationship. Also where skids come from its customary to have large fancy ceremonies to give the illusion you are rich as when they aren’t. Only hubby is but hubbys style is not to waste retirement money on a fancy wedding for 3 skids.

if me and hubby could have a simple ceremony so can they unless they wanna pump their own money which they won’t have...

skids and my husband can explain to hubbys family why me and our kids aren’t there. Of course skids will laugh and say they don’t know but it’ll become apparent my disdain for them and that the major issues they have suspected all along about skids and bio mum is so true.

skids are hubbys relationship to manage, i don’t know if hubby would even go if his kids with ex invited him and my toddlers but not me. Pretty sure hubby would be furious as thats just wrong to invote your half siblings to show off how foreign looking they are but you refused to invite their mum. I don’t know what would happen if they invite hubby only, whether hubby would refuse to attend but its not something i waste my time dwelling on it. 

We’ll come to that when it happens

Curious Georgetta's picture

Or a good thing simply because we are a good people. The satisfaction comes not from external validation, but from having done a kindness.

You may have to settle for the self awareness that comes from knowing that you did the kindness.

In terms of spa items in your new bathroom, as a guest in your new  home, I would probably have assumed that to be your standard guest bathroom accessories.

It is clear that you and the bride have different views and expectations. If I were you, I would not think of myself as a family member; instead, I would think of this as one of the many obligatory social events that good manners require us to attend i.e. a neighbor or co-worker's  wedding.

I would attend the wedding with no other expectations , and I would not extend myself anymore than any other random guest would extend themselves. 

 

 

ldvilen's picture

Neighbors and co-workers don't usually get screwed at a wedding they have been invited to.  If you could potentially get your a$$ kicked, and there are many examples on these pages where SM's have figuratively if not literally received that kinds of "thanks" at a SK's wedding, there is nothing "obligatory" about attending whatsoever.

Also, random guests don't have to worry about whether or not they'll be seated with their spouse throughout the event.  SMs, unfortunately, often do.

STaround's picture

Did she thank your DH, assuming tht he was behind any support?  did he say anything to her?

Not unusual not to invite SM's family, especially if the SD did not grow up in your house. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Never spend your money or time on HER kids ever again. No adult skids living under your roof ever again.

RogueSM's picture

I know the feeling.  I was included in my SD shower but never got thanked for anything that was done.  She doesnt get along with her MIL so I wanted this to be special for her.  I asked how I could help and originally I was supposed to make chocolate candies for everyone attending and then was told not to waste my effort nobody will eat them; to get there and they ordered from a specialtiy shop and paid $$ for (not out of my pocket) to then have her GMA ask me for the chocolates on top of this. I told her that BioCuz told me not to do them (issue#1) so instead I made the party gifts (bath and body works items)for the bridal shower games and decorated this beautiful basket to havbe them toss in $1 items with them.  I was so digusted to have wasted my effort and what I thought at the time making something beautiful for her shower that had a rustic theme to just get tossed aside and never even acknowledeged.

So after that I stopped asking if they needed my help and acted like a regular guest at the wedding. 

It hurts when we want to do something nice for someone because we genuinely care and not out of feeling obligated. 

notarelative's picture

The invisible stepmother of the bride. Been there. Done that.

Your family not invited. If you have been married a long time, and SD saw them on holidays and they gave her gifts, a definite insult. But, if this marriage occurred after the step was an adult, and she basically has no relationship to them, no one thought of them when doing invitations. Consider it a win for your relatives that they didn't have to buy a gift and spend a day with someone they barely know.

We married when all our kids were legal adults. SD had only met my extended family a few times. Neither I, nor my family, expected them to be invited to the wedding. My bio children were. DH insisted on it and since DH was paying, my bios were invited to the wedding. After her marriage SD and her husband have not come to our house if they knew in advance that my bios would be here. When they have had events for their children (the grands) my bios have never been invited. SD and her husband have been invited to things for my bios, but do not come.

As to the thanks, not surprising. Someone told me a long time ago that you should only do what gives you joy. So if it gives you joy to do something for Sd, do it. If it doesn't, don't. 

Wedding is still in the future. DH is responsible for making sure you have appropriate seating and treatment at the wedding. Discuss your expectations with him so that he is not blindsided at the wedding rehearsal with arrangements that pretend you are not there. If they don't plan on seating you with DH it's his responsibility to make sure that you are. 

 

Harry's picture

If BM is paying for the wedding I can see that she is ticked off and doing things ton ticked you off.  If you are paying for a good part of the wedding then DH should get to invite 50 % of the guest and that can include your family 

Karen369's picture

My SD has eliminated me from her wedding and shower.    I was once invited but now she told her father I treated her badly growing up so I am not welcomed at her wedding.    This happened after my husband (her father) and I separated for 3 months but have now reunited.    

Also, during the planning stages of the wedding we were never included , except to ask how much $$ can you give.    

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

to pray for the dignity to not need to be where you are not wanted than to pray for the ability to force your inclusion.

I cannot imagine anything less enjoyable than being in the company of people who do not wish to spend time with you . Why would anyone demand or choose to do this at an elective event?

Some say, I want to be their to support my partner/spouse. In truth, few adults need support to attend a 2 to 3 hour celebratory event.

Better to spend your time doing something that you enjoy, and let the bride have her day. This is a win-win solution for everyone.

ldvilen's picture

An invite implies an invitation--a written or verbal request inviting someone to go somewhere or to do something.  No one is trying to force their inclusion here.  An invite implies you are included.

As the person doing the inviting or championing the event, the main responsibility that keeps coming up is a duty (yes, duty) to ensure that guests feel welcomed and comfortable.  It doesn't say you get to choose which guests you want to treat and thank like normal human beings and which guests you get to treat like a piece of gum on the bottom of your shoe.  It is just stated that: one of the main responsibilities of an inviter or host/hostess is to ensure that guests feel welcomed and comfortable.

In this MEllennial day and age, much basic etiquette or what most would think were common-sense manners have gone by the wayside.  However, make no bones about it, even now when you invite someone to an event, you have an obligation to your guests--that they all feel welcomed and comfortable; otherwise, why would anyone come?  No one wants to go to a wedding and have a Game of Thrones redux.  I know this might be difficult for some brides and grooms to grasp, but, no, it is not your "special" day to be exclusionary, in me-me-me mode, or disinvite someone after the fact because now, out of the blue, you have decided that they have somehow ruined your life.  (Happens all the time on Bridezillas, and not just to SMs.)

It is not your day to decide that you get to hook dad up with his ex- for the entire day vs. his wife.  You do not do this or even think about doing such without permission from both dad and his wife.  You are a couple about to get married.  If anyone should understand the importance of being together at an event as husband and wife, it should be someone on the cusp of being married.  However, when it comes to SM and her husband, far too many fail in this sense.

As SMs, we hear all the time it is only 5 minutes here or 10 minutes there, or 1/2 day here, or a week vacay, destination wedding there, and so on.  Well, what is SM's max. for sucking it up taking it?  Is she expected to do this 30 minutes a day, 14 hours a week or what?  How can you put a limit or even try to remotely imply that someone is to continually suck it up and take something that they feel so horrible about--to try to imply that they are supposed to accept being treated like a non-wife (non-citizen) over and over and over?  Is it because this event is only 2-3 hours?  What about the next event?  And there will be many next events, parties, family gatherings, showers, etc.

I mean, really!, if SMs are going to contually go to these events and put up with this shiatsu, they might as well put a "kick me" sign on their butt, because in this mannerless age, people will treat you however you let them.  An invite is just that an invite and not a summons to attend.  I agree that the best advice for a SM re: weddings is either to play the flaming second-wife to the max. and go in a red dress looking like Sophia Vergara , or to avoid whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.  Either own it or forget about it.  

sandye21's picture

"Perhaps it would be better to PRAY for dignity"?????  I didn't think I would have the opportunity to use the following expression from a poster on another thread so soon, but, the poster suggested putting the Bible where your mouth is. 'Dignity" has a direct tie with manners and it is really hard to believe that treating a SM like she is a leper at a wedding is good manners - or dignified.  If the OP is paying in any form to this wedding she has a right to be by the side of her Husband.

marblefawn's picture

Last year, my niece married. I felt slighted because she included her entire female family from her mother's side in all kinds events. No one from her father's side (my brother) were included in any of that. It was as if there was an entire other set of events for one side of the family. It hurt me on behalf of my mother, sister, and myself.

The year before, my SD married. I bent over backward to do flowers, address invitations, make signs, etc. I was basically the wedding planner. But while I was doing all the grunt work, SD and her mother and all her female friends were getting their nails done, their hair done, going to clubs, etc. I felt like such a chump, but I realized I wouldn't have been invited to any of that anyway, put my head down and got back to work. I was not included in any photos, I was not thanked publicly when everyone else was -- pretty much nothing in the way of thanks other than being told "thanks" well after the fact.

It was the wedding aftermath that really stung. Within six months, SD was back to her normal litany of slights toward me. I really thought we'd turned a corner with the wedding, but I was just the help, as it turned out. That was it. I was done. I disengaged after that for good and have seen SD maybe two times since that wedding.

I guess I told you both scenarios because it's so easy to be slighted when it comes to special events. And there are so many moving parts to weddings, it's easy for the bride to overlook someone she shouldn't. I'm sure my niece would be horrified if she knew I felt our side of the family got the shaft. SD wouldn't give a damn if she knew I felt slighted. That's the difference you should care about. I forgave my niece, but I couldn't ever forgive SD.

Invest in the people who might accidentally slight you, but would feel awful about it. Those are the only people YOU will be able to forgive for slighting you. The rest of 'em can go to hell!

My SD's wedding was the prompt I needed to disengage. And it has given me back some power. SD can no longer reject me because I don't give her the chance.

In your case, you were at least invited, which probably wasn't easy for BM. If I were you, I'd pull back. Do less. Don't try so hard. Look at this wedding like a co-worker's wedding -- you're attending, taking a crock pot gift, but you're sure not starring. Be polite and do what you would for a casual acquaintance. When the inevitable slight comes, you can figure out if SD is worth continuing to invest. But if you pull back and give less, your chance of feeling slighted is reduced.

Good luck. When you're ready, I can give you my list of how to survive SD's wedding. I was so scared of that event, I think I had it to a science Smile

shellpell's picture

Give what you get. Rude SD ignores, ignore her right back. No more fancy soaps or going out of your way. You sound very sweet but learn from those on here (who are actually stepparents and have gone through similar situations, not those who come here to tell you to just step back and suck it up, buttercup). Don’t go out of your way for people who wouldn’t do the same for you. It’s not as if she’s a minor child, she’s an adult who knows exactly what she’s doing.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Being shunned at a shower is the foreteller of what is to come for you poor lady; most of us have been there, if it makes you feel any better. Yeah I know, maybe just a little...

Your SD does not care what you think nor what her daddeee thinks about her behavior (because regardless of what she ever does--it has always been perfectly fine with him). No consequences are ever applied for her never ending uncorrected rude behavior-by anybody.  She knows that and she knows nobody will make her respect or include you---whom she sees as nothing more than a family outsider. I am sorry to tell you it does not get better, in fact, the harder you try to be included the more she will work to make you totally invisbile.

Give her what she wants, you will end up there one day sooner or later. If dadddeeee cannot man up, you will have to decide if you want to continue to stomach this disguisting treatment or stay the heck away from the sick nonscense.

Staying away is much more peaceful than trying to fit in where you never did and never will.

ldvilen's picture

I always find it odd that it doesn’t even occur to some of these SKs (or maybe it does and they don’t care) that this SM=leper stance could cost them a relationship with their father.  I mean, this is dad’s wife, his wife!? But, putting aside the question of whether dad and his wife should act like the married couple they are at an event, a better question would be: If it could cost you a relationship with your father, why would you want to even risk offending your SM, regardless of your feelings towards her?

This can so easily occur--SM no longer attends these type of “family” events because she doesn't want to be treated like some kind of inferior who doesn’t belong or belongs in the back = bio-dad not wanting to go to events (no fun to go alone, without your partner) = less time with dad = poorer relationship with dad or possibly even zero relationship with dad. Men do want to be with their wives, as anyone should know. After all, I’m sure SKs want to go to events and expect to be treated as a couple with their SO or spouse. Why would it be any different for dad?  And, it doesn’t matter if anyone THINKS dad’s wife or SM shouldn’t be offended or not. If she is, she is. So, if the odds are even 10%, why would you want to risk offending your SM if it could cost you in the long-run (or not so long-run) a decent relationship with your father?

Personally, I think it would just be easier to treat dad and his wife like the couple they are.  But, again, I’m coming to realize that maybe it is far more important for some to stick it to SM than for some to have a clean, comfortable relationship with their father.  Any adult knows what the term husband-and-wife means.  And, any adult knows that for any spouse, if the other spouse is being mistreated or feeling rejected, then they are feeling it too.  So, I can only infer that in these subtle and not so subtle stick-it-to-SM jabs, foremost at the heart is a desire to stick it to dad as well.

STaround's picture

Some showers have men, but many only include women.  If that is the case, I would stay home.  

mapitout's picture

The love fests will continue with DH and his adult children, it will extend to weddings, births, deaths and other drama. The only escape is to leave the marriage or learn how to live a life where the focus is squarely not on your DH and his identity. Once you learn to do that, you'll begin to see your loss is now their loss. I am learning! 

Oh, and not acknowledging you for your efforts is complete bullshit! As far as the wedding goes, in your absence, you are present! (that's the smartest thing I've said in a while!)

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

In their own interest, they are usually not inclined to care about anything other than what they want.

Husband-wife, Parent-child etc , those relationships do not matter . It is what  the I-me  wants that becomes primary.

Wives have whatever notion that they have about the status of that relationship. Children bank on the notion that wives may come and go , your child is your child for life.

I think the vast majority of men just want peace in their lives and eventually come to resent whomever they perceive to be the destroyer of that peace. 

 

ldvilen's picture

You are not the only one who keeps repeating this mantra: "Children bank on the notion that wives may come and go , your child is your child for life."  Thus, it is supposed to follow that the children are entitled to see themselves as having a higher value than a wife and that these children, adult or otherwise, can somehow be excused and even be nasty when it comes to recognizing their fathers marriage as a marriage or wife as a wife (or husband as a husband).  In other words, it justifies their prejudices.

SMs getting shat on at weddings is nothing new, and, yes, this can even occur after SM has contributed her own time, money and effort to the event. This in itself shows the clear, unadulterated bias our society has regarding SPs--the fact that every other seated person will be with or next to their spouse or SO. Heck, even SS's girlfriend of three months will be seated up front, next to him, in the family section for the big day. But, SM? Nope. No one seems to know what to do with dad's ho at these kinds of events, which is what SMs are mainly seen as by others, let's face it. The proof is in the pudding. Otherwise, why isn't SM automatically seated next to her husband, like every other couple? Why isn't SM allowed in pictures with her spouse, like any other couple?

Just like any other discriminatory behavior, selecting out a minority group to be treated differently by others just on the basis of their label or religion or gender, etc., it is a issue that society as a whole needs to own up to and address. SM expects to be and should be treated like her husband's wife because she is her husband's wife. No one other than dad AND SM gets to decide if, where and when SM gets to truly-ooly act like her husband's spouse or not.

Actually, until society gets its act together on this, I'd recommend most SPs either go to these kinds of events owning it (no hiding in the back, etc.) or avoiding it altogether.  Only hang out with people who have no problem with you being married to the man you are, because if they do have a problem with it, no matter what the excuse or justification, it is really nothing but good old-fashioned prejudice, no matter what kind of justification or lipstick someone tries to throw on it.  Insisting SM sit in the back because you THINK she is nothing more than dad’s temporary arm ornament, is no different than insisting a minority sit in the back because you think she is somehow beneath you and not worthy of having her status (as a human being and equal) recognized for what it is. 

mapitout's picture

^^^^^^^^^

Curious Georgetta's picture

In this country, are shown that child/parent relationships have a much longer shelf life , than do marriages. 

Most marriages reach their sell by date than do parent/child relationships. This is not a statistic created by children, but it the reality that all thinking individuals must be aware.

To be honest seating protocol  seems to have an odd level of significance in step world. When my child did between my spouse and me, we are happy with that because it indicates that the child finds safety in the union that we represent. In step world it is viewed as some kind of competitive position taken with a desire to separate.

I am also often perplexed by the complaint that they child sits next to a parent in a restaurant. In most restaurants, seating is or can be configured so that someone can sit in either side of an individual. 

There is so much about step world that seems like the establishment of a pecking order or marking territory.

Our of curiosity, I asked my spouse where do you expect to be seated when we go to a wedding? His response was "wherever we can find seats." I then asked " do we need to sit together ? " His response was ," not necessarily, we are both reasonably social people who are capable of maintaining  polite conversation with whomever we find ourselves seated. "  Certainty, if your spouse or partner is a member of the wedding party, you do not expect to be seated with them.

My husband asked "what possible harm or damage is done and from being separated from your spouse at a  2 hour social event? He suggested  that he would be uncomfortable with my being unable to successfully navigate a social event  without him at my side. 

People who live together do not need to be joined at the hip in social settings. Few people who know you are confused as to whom you are married.  And in most social settings , your relationship status is not the  focus of anyone's interest.

sandye21's picture

According to statistics, stepfamiiles outnumber your traditional 'leave it to Beaver' stereotype family but are not offered the services of the traditional family.  And that is part of the problem.  Referring to a second marriage in the terms of a 'shelf life' only helps to perpetuate the prejudice mentality.  This is common in dictatorships and other such societies where a certain targeted culture is viewed as 'less than' and with disdain. 

We all have seen statistics which state most children are better off in 'intact' families but the reality is that the intact family is getting more and more rare as time goes by.  This means the next time your bundle of joy sits between you and your husband you can look down at him or her and know the odds are she or he is going to be a step parent.  It's beyond time for a reality check.

ldvilen's picture

Umm, excuse me?  Pecking order or marking territory?  When African Americans down south were told they had to use back entrances to buildings or go to the bathroom in "black only" restrooms, when they objected to this, and rightfully so, there were so many who stated, "What was the problem. . . it is just seperate, who cares?, seperate but 'equal'. . ."   It was the white Americans down south who wanted to maintain a pecking order or wanted to mark their territory.  The problem wasn't with the African Americans for objecting to this--that they had to be in the back all the time, out of the way, invisible.  

And, by no means is it SM's fault for objecting to being in the back all the time, out of the way, invisible.  It is the fault of the so-called "moral" majority who are so upset that someone they view as being somehow beneath them want the same treatment, rights.  And, yes, that "moral" majority will often try to go after the minority for daring to want what everyone else takes for granted and for upsetting the apple cart, and come up with all sorts of totally ridiculous excuses and justifications, such as I asked my African American neighbor if he minded using a different restroom, and he said no, so what is the big deal, then, since my neighbor was okay with it?  

The problem isn't with using a seperate bathroom or seat.  The problem is with the implications and attittude that come along with that.  Telling SM she can only sit where you want her to, is no different than telling a miniority they can only come in certain entrances or piss where you want them to--just so long as it is away from you.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

and civil right to arbitraily configured social amenities. That is condescending and offensive on so many levels.

Do you really think that your desire to sit next to your husband at a wedding is the same or comparable to being denied your civil rights?

sandye21's picture

So what you are saying is it is OK to be selectively "condescending and offensive".  I've heard similar words used by the KKK and Nazis,  And yes, if I were at a wedding and was forced to sit somewhere other than by my Husband's side, I would consider that as on the same level as being forced to sit in the back of the bus.  It's discrimination no matter how you try to justify it.

You seem to surface when things are getting bland.

ldvilen's picture

Definitely!  Since you have quoted the bible before (or one of your cohorts did), I’ll quote it here too, in reference to marriage: Matthew 19:6: " So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." There is no parenthesis or footnote afterward that says, “This only applies to a first marriage,” either.  Regardless, in my case, it is my first marriage.

beebeel's picture

Just how do you propose we collect data on child/parent relationship failures? I never had to file anything with the state to become estranged from my mom. I just stopped engaging in her drama. I know more people who have an "ex" sort of relationship with a parent than those I know who don't. It's rather Pollyanna to believe most or even half of all parent/child relationships are these unbreakable, eternal things.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Certainly people  have fractured child/parent relationships.  But I would doubt that it comes any where close to the divorce statistics.

You do not know anyone who does not have a fractured parental relationship and I do not know anyone who does.

I suppose that to my point it depends upon how the individual priorities and values.

Nothing good is happening  in either relationship when a stage is reached wherein a choice has to be made.

beebeel's picture

LOL Huh? Sorry, but that word salad was confusing. 

I never said everyone I know is estranged from a parent. That would be as absurd as your claim that you don't know anyone who has fractured relationship with a parent. I'm calling B.S. I would believe most people in your life don't tell you about their relationships, lest you launch into one of your condescending lectures filled with improperly used words meant to confuse the less educated listener.

You doubt anything that doesn't fit into your very narrow worldview.

Curious Georgetta's picture

I have friends and acquaintances who are estranged from their parents and they just don't share that information. I do have friends who find their parents to be demanding, needy, and/or annoying. 

In some instances ,they measure and gauge the time that they choose to spend with them, but I do not think that they view themselves as estranged.  I do not know if given the opportunity they would have gone to court to sever the relationship.

 

disrestep's picture

No, you are not wrong in feeling slighted by selfish Sd in not tagging/thanking you for all you did for her to make her feel welcome in your home and helping with the bridal shower. That was rude of her to not thank you. 

I would go to all these events, including wedding with your DH in your arm and show her their rudeness is not going to affect you.

going forward,  I would not waste one cent or ounce of energy helping her with the wedding. She is not appreciative.

there are many adult steps who treat their bio parent and bio parents' marriage with utter disrespect. Just because it is someone's child, doesn't mean they will respect the parent or their spouse.

Maybe your story will turn out better.

ldvilen's picture

"I think the vast majority of men just want peace in their lives and eventually come to resent whomever they perceive to be the destroyer of that peace." Yes, and that may eventually be their own children.  Also, men don't get to do whatever they want just so they can pretend they have peace for themselves, while their spouse or others around them 24/7 suffer.  Men and women are supposed to be equals.  This is the year 2019.  Women are no longer supposed to go around sacrificing their own peace and happiness for their man.

shellpell's picture

But didn’t you know that SMS are supposed to sacrifice their happiness, self-respect, and money to skids? They aren’t supposed to even expect a thank you? They should go to the back of the bus and let’s skids (no matter how old) treat them like crap. And don’t you dare object or act like you deserve basic human respect otherwise you will make DH feel bad and he might leave you! What a load of bs. Those who advocate such nonsense would never accept it for themselves. The hypocrisy is astounding.

still learning's picture

Men also do a pretty good job of destroying their peace all by themselves, yet it's often someone elses fault.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

Sacrifice their own happiness and peace to placate anyone. However, both wives and children would be foolish  to make decisions  without considering and acknowledging the reality that surrounds them.

It is the same kind of thinking that has women on this site saying that "I have found my soul mate, and I feel cheated out of those things feelings of being the first."

 In reality if you go shopping in the used clothing department you may find a fantastic bargain and you may look phenomenal, but if you are not confident enough to say that it  is new for you , you will always live uncomfortably in your own reality.It

If you actually hear what most men are saying is that at the end of day, they just want peace over bickering , and ultimately, they aren't really vested in chosing who v brings peace and who creates  discord. Many of them are really confused about the reason and necessity for the friction when they are the only prize.

In my experience , men tend to be more comfortable with their capacity to love everyone and are usually only drawn into these friction laden situations because of the insecurities of the various  women in their lives.

still learning's picture

Curious, where are these peace loving men who are such prizes?  The men you're describing wear robes and live in monestaries. The ones we deal with are conflict avoidant, seed spreading, enablers who create discord wherever they go.  Yes they want to be fought over by their children, ex wife, and current partner.  It gives them a sense of importance and helps them bond with their kids that they formerly had a very loose relationship with.  

Quit giving these men a free pass. It's not just everyone else that is the problem.  Men manipulate and play games too.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

In my experience, men do tend to be more conflict avoidant than many women. Sometimes that avoidance is driven by sheer laziness other times simply out of a desire to have a peaceful household.

I do not think that most are driven by a desire to have women fighting over them. I would imagine that most do not see themselves as such great prizes that they should inspire others all of the discord.

What I do believe must be tiring is hearing on a regular basis that your ex is a" narcissistic bitch" and that your children are feral and barely tolerated in your home. The daughter that you love is a mini wife, and your children do not love you but simply want your money"

On the flip side, I am sure that they become equally tired of complaints from their children about their wives. They grow weary of having to meet their adult children outside of the homes that they are paying for and missing normal interactions wi,th their grandchildren.

At the end of the , many seem to make the choice to go back to the devil to whom they are related . I think they make this decision not because they no longer care about the spouse but that they are tired of living with the on going and never ending litany of complaints.

Better to have the half of the loaf to him you have an breakable bond than to have the whole loaf on which you are daily choking .

Take a look through the recent" marriage over" and the " he is leaving "  postings and look at the common themes.

Men sometimes realize that " life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone " and many just want peace in that long journey..Many women want validation and to be right; many men just want to come home to a peaceful household..

Women should never tolerate abusive behavior, but being ignored by someone who does not like you is neither toxic nor abusive. In fact ,many peace loving people might call it a  blessing.

 

ldvilen's picture

Just for the record, my husband is the one usually referring to his ex- as a narcissistic bitch."  I'm the one usually calming him down, and dare I say, defending her.  Also, daughter does not = mini-wife to SMs by any means.  However, if that adult daughter continually sits on daddy's lap and rups his back or belly, then, yeah, she would probably be referred to as a mini-wife.  And, I have never, ever said to my husband "your children do not love you but simply want your money."  These are all sterotypes of how others, non-steps tend to think SMs think.  Do some SMs think that way--yes.  Do most SMs think that way--no.

Curious Georgetta's picture

are concepts and terms that I have only encountered on this site, and they are repeatedly used in this site.

I was not addressing your relationship with your husband, his ex,  or his children. I know nothing about your personal relationships.

I was expressing my opinion about types of behaviors and the resulting outcomes.

ldvilen's picture

Yeah, well I know nothing about your personal relationships either, but just above (Thu, 04/18/2019 - 1:41pm), you had no problem going on and on about how you asked your husband how he would feel in a certain situation and what his response was, and then you tried to use his response to justify your point DESPITE the fact that he is neither a woman or a SM (as far as I know, anyway).

Yet, here I am a woman and a SM, and my statements and other SM’s statements are continually minimized.  I’m now not only thinking that your handle is used by a group of people, but I’m also thinking that at least some of you are not even women, perhaps part of a conservative men’s group.

Also, as a sociologist I fully well know these terms are in no manner, shape or form limited to just this site.  But, yeah, if you are part of a conservative men’s group, you’ve probably never heard them before.

still learning's picture

You're right that there are many "The marriage is over" and "He is leaving..." posts. It's due to the fact that many of these men would rather avoid conflict and start over with a new partner than work on the current relationship.  They already left one or more marriages in flames and don't see themselves or their poorly parented kids as the problem but this new woman who dared ask for respect and boundaries.

 Again you're right that they want peace, but at the cost and sacrifice of their partner not themselves or their kids.  And we can't ignore the ol' wandering eye. Most men already have the next relationship set up before leaving the old one.  Some niave young lady is out there saying, "He's so perfect...except for his soon to be ex wife and her horrible children!"  

Curious Georgetta's picture

willing  partner out there waiting to step in start the process all over again.

Women seem not to learn much from history. How many women do you hear insisting that the marriage comes first. That is an odd stance to take when one of both parties have been married  before, and an unrealistic expectation to have of a man who has already discovered that he can leave a marriage and survive. What most people do not know is for how  long can they happily survive without their children. 

A wife can ban the adult children from the household, but in my opinion that only serves to give the father time to gauge whether the marital relationship compensates for the loss of the relationship with the children that he loves. If recent postings are any indication, marriage  in the long term  does not trump a need for a relationship with children and grandchildren.

I think many women would be better served to accept the fact that there will be superficial or no relationships with adult children and rather than lamenting and complaining  they should live thier lives thankful that they and step kids are on the same page.

Instead women become needy and demanding validation of their views rather than appreciating the mutually desired social distance.

Truly, if a man is a caring husband who is meeting his financial obligations in the household  does it really matter that he spends time and his own money (If he so chooses ) on his children and grandchildren, why do so many step mothers object to that?

In the best of all worlds, men and women take the time to find a partner who shares their views and values.  Men often choose women for superficial reasons and women make choices thinking that they are bringing something so special that it will fix him.  Both perspectives are short sighted and invariably lead to  predictable outcomes 

 

 

ldvilen's picture

Wow!  That is one of the most condescending, sexist, prejudicial statements I ever heard: "Women seem to not learn much from history."  Well, Queen Bee it is.  The Queen Bee is the only perfect female in the hive. I get it now.  You're not going after us so much because we are SMs.  You're going after us because you see us as vulnerable, weak women, easy prey. How many other sites are you on disgorging your "philosophy"?  That's totally on you.  Not us.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Not sexist. I have such a high view of women that I find it difficult to understand how it why some of us choose to repeatedly act in such a predictably self destructive manner..

My views have nothing to do with believing that I am perfect. Since when does having a view on any subject !rand that you are your self as a perfectionist?

I may not share your views on many subjects, but I do not think that a difference of opinion necessitates or validated a need for a personal attack.

I do not believe that society gives a great deal of time thinking of any women as "sloppy seconds" and I personally find that both an offensive term and a sexist view.  However , I am mature enough to know that my view is not gospel it is only my view. Hence, I do not feel the need to personally attack you for that oft stated view. I respect  that as a  your pov gained from experience and observation over time.

I form my opinions  in the same way, but I try to be sensitive enough to be able to distinguish my opinions from gospel or absolute truth in any subject.

 

shellpell's picture

You have such a high view of women that you are constantly telling them on this site, from your holy therapist throne, they do not have the right to be respected in their own households, or to expect even a greeting from thei husband’s child, and in this particular case OP should not even expect a thank you for doing a kind, generous act for her SD, rather she should blame herself for doing that kindness or expecting a thank at all. Unreal. You wouldn’t accept this type of treatment, yet we “sloppy seconds” who dare make he mistake of falling in love with a man with children should. And though you claim you find the term offensive you constantly advocate for sms to act like sloppy seconds. Shame on you.

Curious Georgetta's picture

To look at situations and determine what they can and are willing to accept and  act accordingly. You cannot fix other people; nor can you mandate that they like it accept you.

The only person that you can fix is yourself. Healthy people can accept the fact that sometimes people may either dislike you or have no desire to engage with you for reasons of their own that may have little or nothing to do with you.

If you are an emotionally healthy person, you say so be it and move along with your life. You are not shocked or dismayed when those people do not want you in their personal orbit. Given the circumstances , you probably do not need them in your environment.

You can be polite and civil when you are forced or by chance encounter them. However , you do not feel dismayed  when they choose not to invite you to participate in selective social situations.

Is it desirable? Certainly not. Is it manageable? Yes. Should this continue to come as a surprise or continue to be upsetting to you? No

If is becomes unbearable , do you have options? Yes

disrestep's picture

Not sure how this is helping the OP, who clearly is being purposely excluded by her selfish adult SD. 

Actually, in a good, sound, secure marriage, The Marriage DOES come first, no matter if the people were married before or not. When a spouse or spouses place their marriage low in their priority list, the marriage will suffer.

In many cases, the bio parent has banned the adult children from the home. It is not just the wicked SM that does this.

There is a big difference between complaining and venting. The OP came to this site to vent I bet that she was excluded by yet another disrespectful adult step. 

When a man neglects his marriage and his wife because if unreasonable demands from his adult brood, the DW does not demand validation or become needy when she is venting about being excluded from family events. It is not okay for adult steps to treat anyone this way. 

Financial matters are discussed between a husband and wife in a good, healthy, honest marriage. Yes, it does matter what DH or DW is spending their money on if it leads to bills not being paid and if they are being taken advantage of by adult skids. Not all bio parents want to spend time with their selfish brood and gskids, believe it or not. Why would they want to spend time with people who cannot respect their marriage or spouse? 

still learning's picture

"Truly, if a man is a caring husband who is meeting his financial obligations in the household  does it really matter that he spends time and his own money (If he so chooses ) on his children and grandchildren, why do so many step mothers object to that?"

I can only speak for myself but I have no objections to DH spending HIS money when he can afford it on his kids/gkids. The issue has come when he has given out money that he doesn't have or taken a loan from our line of credit to give money to family or skids.  We had a talk awhile back about him *borrowing* money then paying interest on it so he can play Daddy Warbucks.  When DH and I married he was 10k in debt from this kind of behavior.  Together we got his finances in order and he actually told his kids and sister "No, I don't have the money to give *loan* you right now." I say loan facetiously since no one ever paid DH back. I of course was seen as the cause for his sudden change of heart and seen as the greedy SM.  

DH and I do have our own separate accounts but we also have joint accounts to maintain our life together.  The times DH has given away all his money he then starts taking from our joint accounts which has affected both of us.  The problem I have encountered is that his kids and family feel entitled to his money and don't pay him back and DH has guitily obliged them.  I have had to set firm boundaries since DH wouldn't. I can see how outsiders might see this as controlling but there is the other side of the coin where he was being completely drained by his kids and extended family and they didn't consider the consequences to him, only the fact that they were getting what they wanted.  

 

sandye21's picture

I have no objection to DH giving SD money as long as he has satisfied his part of household expenses and kept up his retirement.  And I'll bet most SM's agree. 

Like you, at the beginning of our marriage, DH was 'short' on finances so I stupidly 'helped out'.  At the same time DH was placing hundreds of dollars into SD's bank account - and she was making more than he was.  Yes, others might have viewed it as controlling when I cut my 'contribution' to SD's life style, especially DH, but if this had lasted much longer we would have been divorced or I would be broke.  Odd though, that DH became less 'generous' when the money was coming out of his pocket only. 

Like you pointed out, SD could have cared less that she was taking money that should have been deposited in DH's retirement account.  If any financial disaster should happen to DH he would be hard pressed to find the funds to take care of it.  And knowing SD, she wouldn't offer to help.

Soooo -- if DH DID need money, where do you think that would come from?  And who will the bill collectors come to first after DH's money runs out?  It won't be SD - she has no legal obligation.  You guessed it!  It will be good 'ol SM because SHE is MARRIED to DH.  Yes, the bill collectors look upon a marraige as the top prioity but God forbid it should be a priority for anyone else!

shellpell's picture

She’s so full of contradictory shite and knows it, too. 

ldvilen's picture

Point now taken.  Thank you.  No use continuing to poke the hypocrite bear.  It just makes more of the hypocrisy "bare" out!

Rags's picture

Basic manners and mature behavior apply even in blended family situations.  Time to write this POS kid off and let her suffer without your support or the support of your DH.  She is old enough to marry, she is beyond old enough to be getting support from daddy.

That does not mean that  you do not go to the wedding. You most definately attend the wedding proudly on your DH's arm.  Beem your happiness, dress to the nines, hit your favorite clothing boutique, do a full make over, hair style, and salon.  Sit by your DH at the wedding and reception and be classy, classy, classy.  Do not force yourself into all of the wedding Pics but for sure do not tolerate being marginalized.  And ... ZERO money for either the wedding or the honeymoon.  SD's bullshit rude crap makes her a financial write off.