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Shunned at SD bridal shower

Outcastpushover's picture

Am i wrong to feel jaded for no one including me?  

The bridal shower was planned my her mother and mother in law. I was asked via text to bring a dish. Thats it. However SD spent week long visit in our new home. I went all out preparing guest room with spa stuff in guest bath, shopped together, spent over $300 on her last minute idea to add champagne at shower. Lent her use of my car all week. After she posts a big thank you to everybody (I mean she tagged 22+ in the post) EXCEPT me! 

Cant wait for the wedding! Not!

 

 

 

Outcastpushover's picture

Also they didn't invite anyone from my family. Maybe im just being too sensitive?

Outcastpushover's picture

I have no prior experience with this, know next to nothing about wedding etiquette but feel disrespected by husband and SD for none of my family invited to any of the VW wedding plans. Nothing. Is this normal?

elkclan's picture

I think there is more than one issue here. 

I don't have any girls. But let's say I did. I wouldn't expect my extended family to be invited to a shower organised by the SD's mother. If SD had been a big part of my family's lives and they want to be involved - then I would organise my own shower for her. It really depends on your family dynamics if this is appropriate. Anyway this is on BM and on MIL. MIL will probably not have known. And as a BM and a SM there's no way I'd go out of the way to invite BM's extended family to a party I was holding or if my ex ever had a partner - her extended family. 

So yes, I think you are being oversensitive, but I can see why. Because you HAVE been slighted. 

If you spent money and resources on things which were REQUESTED or EXPECTED then you deserve acknowledgement and thanks. If you spent resources on things that weren't requested or expected or that matter more to you than to her, you don't and it's a 'gratitude trap'. For example, spa products in the bathroom, maybe she's really into that maybe she isn't. I'm not, so I probably wouldn't either notice or care and I wouldn't think about thanking someone. I would assume that they weren't even meant for me, because everyone knows I'm a low-maintenance slob. Or worse, I'd assume (wrongly sometimes) it was a commentary on my low-maintenance slobness and of course I wouldn't offer any thanks. 

 My mother used to get really, really upset with me because I was suffciently grateful that she spent all this effort decorating things in a way that I didn't care for and wasn't to my taste or I felt was a bit silly. 

HOWEVER, the car, the champagne, etc. You deserve a thanks and it was rude and inappropriate of her to not do so. But please, for your sake, as well as hers, say something to both her father and to her. But please try to separate the areas where she really has slighted you and where you're upset because you were already and upset and looking for further evidence of her rudeness. (I do this, too - it's pretty natural, but not ok).

 

ldvilen's picture

Here's an interesting link on Ways to Deal with Not Being Thanked for a Gift:  https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Not-Being-Thanked-for-a-Gift

Being a SM is not easy.  There are many things that make it difficult for us, and one of those things is continually hearing from people that you are over-reacting, making something out of nothing and so on.  The expectation for SMs is that they continually, if not every time, suck it up and take it for the initial family.  Step-parents are often stuck trying to weigh everything and asking themselves if they did the right thing.  After all, if there are 22 family members standing around, and anything bad happens, anything. . . more than likely the first person anyone is going to look at is the outsider--in this case, SM.  (And, you may think you are a family member, but hate to say this, SS's GF of 3 months would probably be accepted as a family member more readily than a SM or any of her relatives would.)  

To make what could be a very long story short, my advice to any SM is do what works for you.  Go with your gut.  If it feels off, it probably is off, despite the fact that you may not always be able to put your finger on it right away.  Do what works for you, because 90% of the time a SM does anything, there is someone there implying it was somehow wrong.  For some unimaginable reason, everyone tends to think they know more about how to be a SM than a SM, even tho. they have never been one.  It is one of the many backward approaches that SMs have to deal with all the time.

Secondly, regarding the shower, wedding, etc., you don't have to participate or go if you do not want to.  If you think you go to these events and are continually slighted or treated like a leper who just happened to wander in, let DH go to these events alone, or don't go.  Send a card, gift and give your regrets.  And, pls. try to find out ahead of time what the plan is for you at the wedding.  You do this for your own safety, security.  You may assume, as anyone would assume, that since you are husband and wife you will be treated like husband and wife.  But, you could go to the event, and find yourself with no seat, DH is told at the last second he has to walk BM down the aisle and plop next to her, you are not permitted to be in any pictures, and at the reception, you find yourself seated alone at the kids' table.  Again, remember, you don't have to attend and suck it up for the 104,000 time if you don't want to.

Take care, and best of luck to you.  The quicker a SM learns to say No and mean No, the better.  No guilt either.

Loksi52's picture

I would have understood had they explained it to me why I was not welcome at the wedding.  I did so much for my SS and his new wife and I was supportive when they numerous times complained about BM to me.  It seriously shocked me when it was all over facebook that I wasn't family and not supporting them.  Then they demanded my DH walk the BM down the aisle but didn't want me there?  I cried all night.  I grieved over the loss of what I thought was a great relationship.  Silly me.  Thank you again for explaining this to me because it came out of the blue and I didn't know how to handle it.  At least my DH initially refused to go if I wasn't invited and they then held that against me and played the but SS is blood kin and it wasn't asking too much card.  I would never make my DH choose between me and my SS so I convinced him it was ok for him to go and I wouldn't.  It was a horrible situation and so unexpected it will take me a while to get over it. I certainly won't be lavishing my hard earned money on them after them telling my DH they were using me because they could.  SMH.  

 

shamds's picture

Engagement, wedding or reception. Why?

because they’re all rude, narcissistic, disrespectful, pathetic arseholes and their bio mum and her family are batshit crazy. I never want to meet bio mum and her family. I won’t force my kids to go and by the time skids marry my kids will still be in primary school. I wouldn’t pull them out of school to fly overseas to skids wedding. 

They don’t deserve that respect and attention from us as they themselves never made an effort to maintain a relationship. Also where skids come from its customary to have large fancy ceremonies to give the illusion you are rich as when they aren’t. Only hubby is but hubbys style is not to waste retirement money on a fancy wedding for 3 skids.

if me and hubby could have a simple ceremony so can they unless they wanna pump their own money which they won’t have...

skids and my husband can explain to hubbys family why me and our kids aren’t there. Of course skids will laugh and say they don’t know but it’ll become apparent my disdain for them and that the major issues they have suspected all along about skids and bio mum is so true.

skids are hubbys relationship to manage, i don’t know if hubby would even go if his kids with ex invited him and my toddlers but not me. Pretty sure hubby would be furious as thats just wrong to invote your half siblings to show off how foreign looking they are but you refused to invite their mum. I don’t know what would happen if they invite hubby only, whether hubby would refuse to attend but its not something i waste my time dwelling on it. 

We’ll come to that when it happens

STaround's picture

Did she thank your DH, assuming tht he was behind any support?  did he say anything to her?

Not unusual not to invite SM's family, especially if the SD did not grow up in your house. 

RogueSM's picture

I know the feeling.  I was included in my SD shower but never got thanked for anything that was done.  She doesnt get along with her MIL so I wanted this to be special for her.  I asked how I could help and originally I was supposed to make chocolate candies for everyone attending and then was told not to waste my effort nobody will eat them; to get there and they ordered from a specialtiy shop and paid $$ for (not out of my pocket) to then have her GMA ask me for the chocolates on top of this. I told her that BioCuz told me not to do them (issue#1) so instead I made the party gifts (bath and body works items)for the bridal shower games and decorated this beautiful basket to havbe them toss in $1 items with them.  I was so digusted to have wasted my effort and what I thought at the time making something beautiful for her shower that had a rustic theme to just get tossed aside and never even acknowledeged.

So after that I stopped asking if they needed my help and acted like a regular guest at the wedding. 

It hurts when we want to do something nice for someone because we genuinely care and not out of feeling obligated. 

notarelative's picture

The invisible stepmother of the bride. Been there. Done that.

Your family not invited. If you have been married a long time, and SD saw them on holidays and they gave her gifts, a definite insult. But, if this marriage occurred after the step was an adult, and she basically has no relationship to them, no one thought of them when doing invitations. Consider it a win for your relatives that they didn't have to buy a gift and spend a day with someone they barely know.

We married when all our kids were legal adults. SD had only met my extended family a few times. Neither I, nor my family, expected them to be invited to the wedding. My bio children were. DH insisted on it and since DH was paying, my bios were invited to the wedding. After her marriage SD and her husband have not come to our house if they knew in advance that my bios would be here. When they have had events for their children (the grands) my bios have never been invited. SD and her husband have been invited to things for my bios, but do not come.

As to the thanks, not surprising. Someone told me a long time ago that you should only do what gives you joy. So if it gives you joy to do something for Sd, do it. If it doesn't, don't. 

Wedding is still in the future. DH is responsible for making sure you have appropriate seating and treatment at the wedding. Discuss your expectations with him so that he is not blindsided at the wedding rehearsal with arrangements that pretend you are not there. If they don't plan on seating you with DH it's his responsibility to make sure that you are. 

 

Harry's picture

If BM is paying for the wedding I can see that she is ticked off and doing things ton ticked you off.  If you are paying for a good part of the wedding then DH should get to invite 50 % of the guest and that can include your family 

Karen369's picture

My SD has eliminated me from her wedding and shower.    I was once invited but now she told her father I treated her badly growing up so I am not welcomed at her wedding.    This happened after my husband (her father) and I separated for 3 months but have now reunited.    

Also, during the planning stages of the wedding we were never included , except to ask how much $$ can you give.    

 

marblefawn's picture

Last year, my niece married. I felt slighted because she included her entire female family from her mother's side in all kinds events. No one from her father's side (my brother) were included in any of that. It was as if there was an entire other set of events for one side of the family. It hurt me on behalf of my mother, sister, and myself.

The year before, my SD married. I bent over backward to do flowers, address invitations, make signs, etc. I was basically the wedding planner. But while I was doing all the grunt work, SD and her mother and all her female friends were getting their nails done, their hair done, going to clubs, etc. I felt like such a chump, but I realized I wouldn't have been invited to any of that anyway, put my head down and got back to work. I was not included in any photos, I was not thanked publicly when everyone else was -- pretty much nothing in the way of thanks other than being told "thanks" well after the fact.

It was the wedding aftermath that really stung. Within six months, SD was back to her normal litany of slights toward me. I really thought we'd turned a corner with the wedding, but I was just the help, as it turned out. That was it. I was done. I disengaged after that for good and have seen SD maybe two times since that wedding.

I guess I told you both scenarios because it's so easy to be slighted when it comes to special events. And there are so many moving parts to weddings, it's easy for the bride to overlook someone she shouldn't. I'm sure my niece would be horrified if she knew I felt our side of the family got the shaft. SD wouldn't give a damn if she knew I felt slighted. That's the difference you should care about. I forgave my niece, but I couldn't ever forgive SD.

Invest in the people who might accidentally slight you, but would feel awful about it. Those are the only people YOU will be able to forgive for slighting you. The rest of 'em can go to hell!

My SD's wedding was the prompt I needed to disengage. And it has given me back some power. SD can no longer reject me because I don't give her the chance.

In your case, you were at least invited, which probably wasn't easy for BM. If I were you, I'd pull back. Do less. Don't try so hard. Look at this wedding like a co-worker's wedding -- you're attending, taking a crock pot gift, but you're sure not starring. Be polite and do what you would for a casual acquaintance. When the inevitable slight comes, you can figure out if SD is worth continuing to invest. But if you pull back and give less, your chance of feeling slighted is reduced.

Good luck. When you're ready, I can give you my list of how to survive SD's wedding. I was so scared of that event, I think I had it to a science Smile

shellpell's picture

Give what you get. Rude SD ignores, ignore her right back. No more fancy soaps or going out of your way. You sound very sweet but learn from those on here (who are actually stepparents and have gone through similar situations, not those who come here to tell you to just step back and suck it up, buttercup). Don’t go out of your way for people who wouldn’t do the same for you. It’s not as if she’s a minor child, she’s an adult who knows exactly what she’s doing.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Being shunned at a shower is the foreteller of what is to come for you poor lady; most of us have been there, if it makes you feel any better. Yeah I know, maybe just a little...

Your SD does not care what you think nor what her daddeee thinks about her behavior (because regardless of what she ever does--it has always been perfectly fine with him). No consequences are ever applied for her never ending uncorrected rude behavior-by anybody.  She knows that and she knows nobody will make her respect or include you---whom she sees as nothing more than a family outsider. I am sorry to tell you it does not get better, in fact, the harder you try to be included the more she will work to make you totally invisbile.

Give her what she wants, you will end up there one day sooner or later. If dadddeeee cannot man up, you will have to decide if you want to continue to stomach this disguisting treatment or stay the heck away from the sick nonscense.

Staying away is much more peaceful than trying to fit in where you never did and never will.

ldvilen's picture

I always find it odd that it doesn’t even occur to some of these SKs (or maybe it does and they don’t care) that this SM=leper stance could cost them a relationship with their father.  I mean, this is dad’s wife, his wife!? But, putting aside the question of whether dad and his wife should act like the married couple they are at an event, a better question would be: If it could cost you a relationship with your father, why would you want to even risk offending your SM, regardless of your feelings towards her?

This can so easily occur--SM no longer attends these type of “family” events because she doesn't want to be treated like some kind of inferior who doesn’t belong or belongs in the back = bio-dad not wanting to go to events (no fun to go alone, without your partner) = less time with dad = poorer relationship with dad or possibly even zero relationship with dad. Men do want to be with their wives, as anyone should know. After all, I’m sure SKs want to go to events and expect to be treated as a couple with their SO or spouse. Why would it be any different for dad?  And, it doesn’t matter if anyone THINKS dad’s wife or SM shouldn’t be offended or not. If she is, she is. So, if the odds are even 10%, why would you want to risk offending your SM if it could cost you in the long-run (or not so long-run) a decent relationship with your father?

Personally, I think it would just be easier to treat dad and his wife like the couple they are.  But, again, I’m coming to realize that maybe it is far more important for some to stick it to SM than for some to have a clean, comfortable relationship with their father.  Any adult knows what the term husband-and-wife means.  And, any adult knows that for any spouse, if the other spouse is being mistreated or feeling rejected, then they are feeling it too.  So, I can only infer that in these subtle and not so subtle stick-it-to-SM jabs, foremost at the heart is a desire to stick it to dad as well.

STaround's picture

Some showers have men, but many only include women.  If that is the case, I would stay home.  

disrestep's picture

No, you are not wrong in feeling slighted by selfish Sd in not tagging/thanking you for all you did for her to make her feel welcome in your home and helping with the bridal shower. That was rude of her to not thank you. 

I would go to all these events, including wedding with your DH in your arm and show her their rudeness is not going to affect you.

going forward,  I would not waste one cent or ounce of energy helping her with the wedding. She is not appreciative.

there are many adult steps who treat their bio parent and bio parents' marriage with utter disrespect. Just because it is someone's child, doesn't mean they will respect the parent or their spouse.

Maybe your story will turn out better.

ldvilen's picture

"I think the vast majority of men just want peace in their lives and eventually come to resent whomever they perceive to be the destroyer of that peace." Yes, and that may eventually be their own children.  Also, men don't get to do whatever they want just so they can pretend they have peace for themselves, while their spouse or others around them 24/7 suffer.  Men and women are supposed to be equals.  This is the year 2019.  Women are no longer supposed to go around sacrificing their own peace and happiness for their man.

shellpell's picture

But didn’t you know that SMS are supposed to sacrifice their happiness, self-respect, and money to skids? They aren’t supposed to even expect a thank you? They should go to the back of the bus and let’s skids (no matter how old) treat them like crap. And don’t you dare object or act like you deserve basic human respect otherwise you will make DH feel bad and he might leave you! What a load of bs. Those who advocate such nonsense would never accept it for themselves. The hypocrisy is astounding.

still learning's picture

Men also do a pretty good job of destroying their peace all by themselves, yet it's often someone elses fault.  

still learning's picture

You're right that there are many "The marriage is over" and "He is leaving..." posts. It's due to the fact that many of these men would rather avoid conflict and start over with a new partner than work on the current relationship.  They already left one or more marriages in flames and don't see themselves or their poorly parented kids as the problem but this new woman who dared ask for respect and boundaries.

 Again you're right that they want peace, but at the cost and sacrifice of their partner not themselves or their kids.  And we can't ignore the ol' wandering eye. Most men already have the next relationship set up before leaving the old one.  Some niave young lady is out there saying, "He's so perfect...except for his soon to be ex wife and her horrible children!"  

shellpell's picture

She’s so full of contradictory shite and knows it, too. 

ldvilen's picture

Point now taken.  Thank you.  No use continuing to poke the hypocrite bear.  It just makes more of the hypocrisy "bare" out!

Rags's picture

Basic manners and mature behavior apply even in blended family situations.  Time to write this POS kid off and let her suffer without your support or the support of your DH.  She is old enough to marry, she is beyond old enough to be getting support from daddy.

That does not mean that  you do not go to the wedding. You most definately attend the wedding proudly on your DH's arm.  Beem your happiness, dress to the nines, hit your favorite clothing boutique, do a full make over, hair style, and salon.  Sit by your DH at the wedding and reception and be classy, classy, classy.  Do not force yourself into all of the wedding Pics but for sure do not tolerate being marginalized.  And ... ZERO money for either the wedding or the honeymoon.  SD's bullshit rude crap makes her a financial write off.