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Should I postpone the Wedding?

fedupinwa's picture

My fiance has agreed to let his 21 daughter move in with us.  She is under lease until May with her old best friend in a town about an hour from here but says she can no longer get along with her so she needs to move in with us now.  His daughter claims to be bi-polar and is very negative.  She is always unhappy and frequently sends mean texts to her dad about how he abandoned her and her brother and how toxic of a person my fiance is.  She uses the bi-polar as an excuse to be mean and never apologizes nor does she take medication to get it under control.  I have only been around her a handlefull of times in the last year and a half.  She has not been rude but not nice either. 

She has been angry since her dad stopped giving her money when she asks.  After we met I discovered he had a parent plus loan for her in the amount of $80k.  He had no idea the loan was his responsibility and he had been giving her money for expenses while she was in college as well as taking on this loan.  He now knows he has a hefty bill to take care of and can't keep flowing money her direction.  This has caused huge problems between them and is her reason for feeling abandoned by him. 

My guy agreed to see a counselor and have his daughter go to counseling too before she can move in.  He is so sweet but I feel he can be blind to his daughter's faults.  The counselor told him this may turn out to be a good thing to strengthen their bond.

Now here we are set to get married in November.  I'm getting cold feet.  I think it may be time to postpone the wedding to see how this plays out.  I divorced a narcissist after 15 years and I am absolutley panicked at the thought of living with another one.  I feel like all of this is out of my control!  This girl can't get along with anyone, how likely will it that she will get along with me?  

I am reading through this forum and getting more and more panicked, this appears to big a huge issue in a lot of marriages and I fear I already know the answer.  My guy is great but this package deal is not looking so hot right now.

 

ESMOD's picture

If you are thinking about delaying.. I would. 

Is there a reason why you want to get married asap?  I am guessing you aren't planning on having more kids in a hurry.  It sounds like it would be a bad bet financially to join yourself to him that way.  What is the rush really. 

I would tell him that while you love him.. he has a LOT on his plate now with his daughter and you want to see how this resolves before you get married and move in with him.. that you aren't interested in living with his adult daughter.

fedupinwa's picture

I am in no hurry for the wedding.  Things have been perfect betwen us and we have an elopement planned.  When he invited his daughter to the wedding she went from not speaking to him to being overly positive and by the way, can she move in?   The last time we tried to plan an elopement day she said he only wanted her there for show, blah, blah, and she wouldn't come.   We live together and I recently quit my job to relocate with him.  We definetly don't want any more kids, we have five between us and enjoy having an empty nest.

Sandybeaches's picture

First I am so sorry you are going through this.  

I am not sure how long you have been together and how much you have healed from being involved in your first relationship that you have mentioned but I think a breather might be a good idea.  

This sounds like a toxic situation that you could be presented with at any time going forward.  Unless this girl gets help she will always have potential to spiral out of control and become a problem.  Where do you live? Together? his house? Yours or both?  Just wondering if you would need to move if you took a break.  

Have you talked to him about this and the fact that you are not comfortable with it?  Where does her mother live?

 

 

fedupinwa's picture

We moved to a new town together in May.  I can take a break but really don't want to leave him.  I think maybe just holding off on the wedding until we see how all of this turns out.  He knows I am not comfortable but I don't think he understands how uncomfortable I am with this change.  

Her mom lives near her old place.  She has a new boyfriend near us and I think all of this is an effort to be closer to him and has nothing to do with her roommate being intolerable.  My belief system is to have your children follow through with commitments not help them skirt them.  I have three daughters who have succesfully launched that would never act like this.   

Sandybeaches's picture

I do understand you not wanting to end the relationship.  A step back to evaluate what is really going on here and how it is effecting you.  First I think that the daughter is moving in the wrong direction thinking that she can go out into the world and make bad decisions without consequences and run back to her father to pick up the pieces.  I also agree with the poster (sorry can't remember who said it here) that any counselor who would encourage this behavior is way off base and sounds manipulated by this girl too.

With that said sure try to work on a relationship if he wants to but he is the only one working on it!! What is this daughter bringing to the table? Her wants, her needs and her crazy!!  Neither of you need it!!! 

Her actions are about manipulation to get what she wants not about really fostering a new relationship with dad and while he thinks he is helping her, he is just enabling her.  Bottom line he tells her that the gravy train is over!!  He is strapped in to pay 80,000 dollars in a Parent Plus loan that I promise you is NEVER going away unless it is paid.  He can't go bankrupt or get rid of it in any way!!  They will take it out of your last dime in Social security when you are 90 if it is still outstanding!!  She needs to know she got her money and there is no more!!! She also should not move in with you!!!!  That is no way to fix a relationship!!  Let her live in the bed she made with the roommate or find another apartment and get a job!!

He made a commitment to you and that comes before an adult child plain and simple!!! 

He is being played and this will not go away!!!!!! Let her move in with BM!!!

MurphysLaw's picture

It sounds like he is open to change, that’s truly a good thing in step life.

 I do believe you should hold off getting married just yet, you’re smart to want to wait and see how things play out.

Youll see if he is all talk or if he is really serious about parenting his daughter and setting boundaries.

 

Merry's picture

I would definitely postpone the wedding. If you are not certain that you want to be married to him under these circumstances, then don't do it. Doesn't mean you can't marry him eventually when this gets sorted out.

Is there a plan for her moving out? It's foolish to let an adult move in without an expectation of when they will move out, what the rules are (job, school, chores, financial responsibilities, other contributions and conditions). If these things don't exist now, they never will. "She just needs a little more time. She's saving money for xyz. She can't find an apartment/roommate/job and it's not her fault."

My DH will have his parent loan paid off when he's 73 years old. And the kid didn't even graduate. Happened prior to me, but it's a source of irritation--more at DH than at SS.

piegirl's picture

I think you would be wise to postpone the wedding.

In addition to you and your STBDH agreeing to the moving out plan for her before she moves in, could there be a clause in there that she needs to seek help for her bi-polar disorder? Left unchecked that can be a very serious mental illness.

fedupinwa's picture

I think the bi-polar should be a part of discussions too.  I think she has diagnosed herself.  The counselor is trying to get to the bottom of that one too.  I haven't seen an EOB come to the house for any counselors for her.

fedupinwa's picture

73!  Ouch.  The loan is awful.  She didn't graduate either, it was 80K for two years in school and she is still going, not on his dime though.  She took the money then allowed her mom to claim the tax credits even though mom contributed nothing for college.

We are working on rules and a timeline before she can move in.  Hopefully it helps but she hasn't followed through with any other promises so I won't hold my breath with this one.  

Merry's picture

Then along with the rules you need to spell out clear consequences. 
What happens if she is supposed to have a job by x date and doesn't? BF picks up more of the household expenses? She is required to do more of the household labor? 
What happens if she doesn't move out by x date? Do you? 
seriously, make it clear that these deadlines are not moveable or optional. 
Boundaries always need to come with consequences for trampling them. 

Sandybeaches's picture

I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation !!!

My advice to you is to stop right not trying to set plans about her moving in you need to be setting a plan for how she is NOT moving in!!! If you want to save your relationship I feel that is what you need to do!! I see nothing but turmoil for you if she moves in. 

Did I miss a long the way whose house you guys live in? Not that it matters but it might make you feel like you have more ground if it is shared. 

Sandybeaches's picture

Just curious how many loans did he sign for?  That is a lot of money and has to be more than one loan.  

 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I am not sure about the credibility of a counsellor that’s appears to almost encourage people to have their grown up children back into nest without a plan for self sufficiency.... 

Is there any possibility your partner is only listening to certain bits of the counselling. Which is his prerogative I suppose.

- please be careful, especially if you don’t know what his daughter is like to live with. You may get your feelings trampled on. 

sandye21's picture

It DOES sound like DH is 'highlighting' certain things that the counselor advised - or didn't give enough information in the first place.  This whole thing is a big red flag.  Don't allow SD to move in and don't marry him until you are completely happy with the situation

ndc's picture

I would not marry him until the dust settles.  I would also get a job if that income would be necessary for you to leave.  I'm not suggesting you leave now, just that you be in a position to do so if necessary.  I would also keep my finances completely separate.  Your partner will be making payments on an $80,000 PLUS loan for a long time.  Also, if he didn't know that a  Parent PLUS loan was his responsibility, I'm guessing he's not particularly financially savvy - all the more reason to make sure you are financially independent and have separate finances.

Winterglow's picture

No wedding until she is OUT and in her own place. This is your home so make it clear that she is only a GUEST.

 

Lollybobs's picture

Definitely postpone the wedding...you can plan it further down the line if/when you feel comfortable.

As you live together, it is unreasonable of OH to agree to ANYONE moving in without prior discussion and consent from you, just as it would be unreasonable for you to tell someone they coud move in wihtout discussing it first. It's your home!

Harry's picture

It’s not going to work out with his DD.  You can not live with a bipolar person. There going to be blows up every now and then . 

Movingonisbest's picture

Fedupinwa. That's an awful position to be put in. I definitely couldn't deal with living with someone like that. She could move in, make things so intolerable for you where it comes to a point of making him choose between you or her. I'm new to this forum, so still learning, but I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend over his selfish manipulative abusive disrespectful toxic adult daughter who refuses to take care of herself. Just a really absurd situation to find yourself in.

fedupinwa's picture

Thank you for all your responses.  I took them to heart and they helped me feel not so alone in all of this.  We talked it over last night and he completely understands why I feel the way I do.  He admitted the counselor had brought up guilty father sydrome and said that it could be potentially positive but had not outright encouraged it.  His best friend had also interviened and told him he was crazy to move her in with us.  He is going to sit his daughter down on Friday and tell her why she can't move in right now. It's not an emergency, she is choosing this, they need family counseling with a solid effort from her for several months before it can even be on the table.  I know he is hurt and having his daughter sends texts like goodnight and I love you is what he really wants but can recognize the manipulation behind it.  

I am glad this happend before the wedding because I was able to read on your experiences and realize that we need counseling too.  This is something that has to be agreed on before we permanently link our lives!

ESMOD's picture

he will be doing his daughter a favor by encouraging her to finish out her lease.  That's part of adulting... learning how to live with other people.  She and her roomate don't need to be BFF's.. but they need to learn to coexist.

If she moves out.. she will still be responsible for her half of the rent.. and Daddy will not bail her out of this.

It's a positive sign that he is willing to discuss this.  He should understand that your decision to move in with him was based on the assumption that his daughter had left the home.. and while she certainly isn't banned from visiting.. living there is not something you were planning on having happen.. and these circumstances don't seem to call for that to happen.

I mean.. the girl gets a terminal cancer diagnosis.. and needs to come home to die.. I'm sure you would be more likely to see how that could work.. but this.. and by the girl admitedly having emotional issues?  

Your SO.. he has to understand this would put an incredible weight on you.. that would impact the relationship.  Hopefully he is just selfish enough about wanting his own life.. that he will hold fast.

piegirl's picture

This is great news, I am encouraged to hear that the counsellor did not outright support the SD moving in, his friends are willing to comment, and that he can identify the manipulation!! So many of our DH's just can't see the forest for the trees.

Goodluck's picture

80k parent loan...that you probably had zero say about

Now his adult kid wants to move in---bet you had little to zero say so to that too.

Listen, I will be frank...

While he is paying off this massive student loan AND $$ supporting his daughter, your working your ass off to make UP all that money going out of the home and your relationship funds...

Call off the wedding and possibly this relationship too. Watch out an unplanned baby may also be down the road with his daughter too. Wants to live near boyfriend.........oh boyyyy.

NOPE not a very good future here with this guy,,,,sorry.

 

Movingonisbest's picture

Goodluck has a good point. Not sure how old you are but I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man paying out a huge debt that's for his adult daughter while she's living a carefree life. At some point when two people are in a relationship their money should mainly be pooled together for the benefit of them. She sounds like she is a financiall and mental a burden.

Livingoutloud's picture

He had no idea that he is responsible for PARENT loan? That makes no sense. Who was responsible then and why did he apply for it if it didn’t understand whose loan is it? He doesn’t understand basic things? That alone is good enough reason to not marry a guy. 

Sandybeaches's picture

I hear what you are saying but actually, this is a common scenario.  Many parents do not understand that they are on the hook for the debt as the child's name is put on the paperwork as who the loan is being taken out for and many kids say that they will pay it back so parents don't always get that fact.  Parent Loans also have different terms than other loans that people take out so again because they are so easy to get many don't read the fine print as they should. 

With all of that said here are a few points.  First 80,000 while a lot of money is not a total deal breaker as some SUV's cost that much and people don't blink an eye at the price tag.  So the amount is not the issue.  The issue is not making this adult daughter contribute to the debt and at the very least understand the large burden that her father is already committed to paying for and that he can't take on more debt or open his home to her whim at this time. 

She is still proving she doesn't care and has no responsibility to her actions and that I feel is the bigger problem!!  The debt can go away with time and the key is not compounding it with more debt.  As I said in an earlier post key is to let her know that her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions.  Trust me it is doing her a favor!!!  and your soon to be DH also needs to realize that even if he lets her move in, which thank God right now he said no to, this is only a Band-Aid to the real problem and she will ruin your relationship and still not be a successful adult. 

You both need to stick to this new decision and not let her do that.  If she gets mad and doesn't talk to you or causes issues over it so be it.  That is what brings most of us here every day!!  Issues with Step kids.  Catering to them never fixes it just destroys your relationship and life..

Good Luck!!!

fedupinwa's picture

Yeah, parent plus loans are sneaky!  He said he returned home from a 14 hour workday and his daughter said he needed to sign the documents for her financial aid.  All of the loan docs can be signed electronically and the loan auto renews each year without additional signatures.  Luckily he met me just prior to the third year of auto renew on the loan or it would have been another 30K out the window.  I personally believe these loans should be signed in person, like a mortgage scenario, so that all of the documents are explained and the individual provides ID prior to signing.  

I was presented with these loans for my daughters and was apalled that it was even offered.  7% interest, origination fees 1.5%, and interest accrues and gets indexed at the end of college,  

We have talked about whose responsiblity it is to pay, she won't and says he should have read the documents.  I agree, he was the adult and should not have trusted an 18 year old with his finances.  Her only obligation is a moral one and we all know where she stands on that!! Luckily this is his only debt and he will get it paid, it just hampers saving for retirement, especially after an expensive divorce that he was way too nice about.  Unfortunately, he agreed to a lot of things when he was still realing from his wife of 22 years left him in an effort to get her back.  

Rags's picture

No you should not postpone the wedding. You should cancel the wedding.

This guy is a rescue project at best and those almost never work out for the rescuer.

Move on, enjoy your life.