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No approval from adult SD

Young Step Mum's picture

Hi everyone! Smile

This is my first time posting so just a bit of background info:

I've been with my partner for 4 years and we are marring in a few months. I have a child (8) and he has an adult child (24). Neither of us has been previously married and DP was with bio mum for only a few years. We have a significant age gap but please no judgement as it was a big deal for both of us and we have a very solid and happy relationship.

However, SD has never approved of the relationship, before she even met me, based on age. Okay, fair enough. But once she got to know me she said she doesnt have a problem with me - just still doesn't "approve".

She spent the start of our relationship constantly calling DP whenever she knew we were on a date and has never been polite to me unless DP is around. She then moved interstate, we visited her and things were okay, she visited us and I would let her stay at my place and I just stayed at DP (we have seperate houses until I sell mine). 

Fast forward to recent times and she's moving back here and wants to stay in my place but never asked me and just organised with DP behind my back. Then he gets annoyed when I'm clueless to the plans and have let someone rent my place short-term. But why am I being excluded from decisions about my own home?!

Anyway, SD is back and requests time just with DP, thats fine and I encourage it. But when she comes over to our place she speaks only to him and all I get is a "hi". She greeted my cat more friendly and before she greeted me! Then whenever they talk they just exclude me and my child, to the extent of going outside and chatting for an hour while I sit inside uninvited. 

I feel like an outsider in my own relationship whenever SD is around because she blocks me out of every conversation unless she wants something from me! Its gotten to the point where I feel sick with anxiety knowing she is dropping past. 

I've tried so hard to be friendly but I just don't know what to do when an adult child doesn't approve of their parents relationship and makes it quite obvious!

Is there anything I can do in this situation? I try to be sensitive to her feelings but I'm just lost right now.

Kes's picture

Unfortunately you cannot force your SD to be friendly towards you - but you can insist on courtesy, and it is up to your man to enforce courteous behaviour towards you, otherwise your SD does not get to come over to your house!   Your man is not helping atm - eg excluding you from conversations when you are home, and arranging for your house without consulting you.  Personally these things would be a big no no from me, and most people, I think - and requiring of a big Come to Jesus meeting with him to iron out these issues.  DO NOT marry this man until you are more comfortable with the way he handles things. Keep your own house at all costs. 

shamds's picture

your own home behind your back. Any of your property he must always refer sd to ask you directly 

her asking daddy is a manipulative measure because assumedly she thinks daddy controls you- he doesn’t.

set this firm boundary now with him. Go on facebook and look at steve harvey tv. He’s got a few videos on stepparenting and one of the first is when skids told him and his wife that they made an executive decision that they shouldn’t marry and his wife wanted to discuss it.

steve harvey walked away saying he will not be dictated or controlled by a child with no life skills or relationship skills who in not involved in the relationship he has with his wife. Kids are an extension but they are not the direct individuals getting married. 

This was a great explanation by steve

Rags's picture

Welcome, I hope that you find this a good place to vent, contribute and to get some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.

Now, for some clarity.  If your SO is pulling this shit before you marry then it will only get worse when you do marry.  Under zero circumstances should he ever make plans for your life, your home, or the blended family without first discussing it with you before he discusses it with anyone else. PERIOD!

Do not marry this guy.  His toxic adult prior relationship failed breeding experiment will never go away, will never cease to be an interferance in your life and in your marriage.  Marriage is an equity life partnership between two people and only two people.  The marriage and partners are the unequivocal priority for both partners. Minor children are the top marrital respinsibility but never do even minor children trump the partnership or the partners to each other.  Adult children only rate any consideration if they are respectful, considerate, and address both of the partners in the marriage with approrpriate respect and acknowledgement of position within the marriage.

If your STBDH does not understand this, then RUN!!  You have a home of your own.  Do not get rid of that home until your partner has demonstrated for many years that you and your marriage are firmly his priority and that he can keep his prior relationship spawn in her place where she belongs.   Which the odds of him doing are slim and none.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck.

StrawberryPie's picture

Here are the things you can do: 

1.  absolutely have a conversation with your man.  He CANNOT be making plans about YOUR house without your DIRECT involvement.  And if he wants to have you in his life, he needs to start treating you like an equal life partner. 

2.  Do NOT marry him until you are very comfortable and confident on how #1 went and see the changes in action. 

3.  KEEP YOUR HOUSE for now

hereiam's picture

Just no. They BOTH treat you like a child and an outsider. Making decsions about YOUR home? No.

ndc's picture

There are some red flags here. Your SO seems like he might be a little controlling, or maybe just treating you like a child/inferior. He should absolutely not be making any decisions or commitments with respect to your house without your agreement. He should also have your back where his daughter is concerned. YOU should be his top priority, not his adult daughter.

I agree with Curious Georgetta that there's a lot you need to discuss with your SO before moving forward. And if you and your SO decide a prenup is appropriate, please get your own lawyer.

still learning's picture

Oh honey, hold onto your house. If you sell it and move in with SO you are losing you and your child's security.  It's concerning that you are being dismissed in regards to decisions concerning your own home.  What is the plan for the funds after your home is sold?  Will it all be funneled into the new place? Will SO and SD do what they please with your money behind your back?  

May/December relationships can work and age is often just a number, but there are other factors here as well, the dynamics of power. You are being dismissed by both of them because of your age. Your SO is putting his daughters needs first and trying to use your resources to fill her needs.  When people see an older man/younger woman they often assume it's the woman taking advange. In your case it seems to be the other way around.  

Build a solid foundation for your own child independent of whomever comes into your life. Keep your eyes open. Don't give your life away to this man and his daughter. 

sandye21's picture

As most of the other posters have written, don't marry your SO until there is level communication between the two of you.  You are being steamrolled over.  Stop it before you get buried by it.  NO ONE should be making arrangements concerning your home but you.  There are so many red flags here!  Boundaries should be put in place now. 

It appears too many things are being thrown at you at one time.  Write out a list of items you are concerned with as far as your relationship with SO and his daughter.  To the side of each item write how SO is handling it, then how you are handling it and how you SHOULD handle it.  Example:  SO offering to let his daughter live in your home without conferring with you first.  SO is not respecting you enough to ask.  You are confused.  You SHOULD set a boundary and inform him that this is not his decision, only you decide who lives in your own home.  No need for additional conversations about it. The list will help you to gain clarity as it will be spelled out right in front of you.

Another thing that will happen is that your SO will either learn to treat you with mutual respect or his actions will help you to decide to dump his conrtolling a$$.

Then take appropriate action which is best for you and your child.

Young Step Mum's picture

I read over all of the comments and thank you! I feel like I needed to rant and also find some validation in my concerns!

I took the advice above and spoke to DP.

1. The house - he apologised and didnt realise we hadn't really discussed it this time but I have always said yes to SD staying in the past because my place is usually empty. But I made it clear that in future, SD is to ask me!

2. Feeling excluded - oh my did I not want to bring this up! Haha I was expecting to be told "oh you're too sensitive" But I got "I'm sorry this has gone on too long and you have done nothing wrong". We had a long talk and hes planning to have a talk with SD once shes settled back into town. He apologised that hes avoided it but said he let it slide as she was living interstate and they already had a strained relationship and we were still starting our relationship when she moved away. He also admitted to me that she's never liked any of either parents new partners so it is just her own hangup. As for the exclusion I've felt a few times, he said he should have been more aware and that he will be on top of that from now on.

So he basically validated all my concerns and he even had a bit of a vent about how bad it has been making him feel which DP has never opened up about.

Im so relieved that actually talking brought us closer on the subject when I was honestly expecting a fight and was ready to put my foot down hard!

Thanks so much for all the advice. I'm going to leave it up to him to decide when to have the talk and hopefully that clears the air. If not, I'm taking advice above and just focussing on myself and not holding out for approval, which he's also going to do :) 

And its great seeing people help with financial advice! I'm an accountant so thankfully I hold all the financial knowledge in our relationship :P 

Rags's picture

Great!

I would suggest that next time you add that he review the discussion with SD with you once he has it.  That leaves him with a call to action to follow up your concersation with.  To not have this included leaves him an out to avoid the conversation with SD.

Rags's picture

Accountant... you and my bride.  I do great at earning it. She does as well. And she does great at managing it.  I would be so screwed if I lost her.  Our credit score is entirely due to her managing our resources.

There is nothing sexier than a brainy CPA!

sammigirl's picture

Rags:  I also account for every penny.  If my bank statement doesn't balance to the penny, I am figuring until it does.  Lol. DH laughs at me, but appreciates our financial security.

I always suggest having a savings for yourself too.  I do have one, it isn't a secret.  I just don't discuss it.  DH will ask once now and then, I tell him it is doing well.  He is welcome to look at any bank statement, he knows this, thus he is good with it.

There is just something that sends a message, when you are independent.  Independent is also sexy.  

 

 

 

Rags's picture

We have a very similar set up to our finances.   She has her own investment accounts, as do I.  We are each the other’s beneficiary on all accounts that are not joint.

Independence is sexy.   It has proven critical during a few periods in our 25+ year marriage.   The industries I work in are cyclical and she had been the sole earner in three occasions during our marriage for a total of 2 years (and counting).

In fact I am about to walk into a business meeting right now on an opportunity I have been consulting on for a few months.   If we can come to agreement on role and compensation package I may be off of the sugar mamma support rolls I have been on for the past six months.

Fingers crossed. 

InterloperStepfordWife's picture

Is a losing battle. Your post states she has not liked either of her parents' partners(it's nothing personal). This is not for her approval. Her father is the problem. He must get things straight with her, and stick to what he says.

NYCEastside's picture

It sounds like the two of you are trying to work things out. This is good. However, DO NOT MARRY HIM until you have worked out the details about having equity in his home - especially if you do decide to sell your home. Also, if you do decide to let her live in your house, make sure that she signs a lease that makes her responsible for upkeep, damages, and expenses. 

One of the stupidest things I ever did in my life was to allow my SS and DIL to live in my rent stabilized apartment. In spite of telling them to "keep a low profile" they did all sorts of things to call attention to themselves. They basically disregarded my instructions.. As a results of their actions, management refused to renew my lease. I did them a great favor and all I got was a slap in the face. 

Limit your exposure. Her tenancy should have a beginning and an end date.  Your name should be on his deed the same day as your wedding. Trust me. Make sure that you TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!!!!

 

Merry's picture

I’m glad your SO was receptive to your feelings of exclusion. It would not have been unusual to get a report that he tried to gaslight you or somehow make it your fault. So things are going in the right direction. 

My own DH has a history of excluding me. We discussed...he apologized and made promises...nothing changed. Until one particular intolerable evening after which I had a major meltdown. Now we have rules, more like practices, between us.  We check in with each other, a quick squeeze of the hand, a moment or two together asking if there is anything amiss. It’s really helped and I no longer feel like I’m alone in a room full of people. 

I generally get along ok with his kids and family, but can’t predict when it’s going to go off the rails — sometimes it does for no apparent reason. 

 

sammigirl's picture

You are setting some boundaries.  That is a good beginning.  Just stand strong on your boundaries and be true to yourself.

You know you do not need anyone's approval.  I am the Alpha person in my own home, or anytime I choose.  I had to take that stand after being a door mat, for 30+ years.  I made the situation myself, therefore, I had to fix it.  It was a night mare, but after almost 8 years of disengagement from SD58, as well as boundaries, I am back to myself. 

The entire step family knows I refuse to back up on my boundaries.  They do not like the real me.  I don't care.  I don't care what DH thinks either.  He raised his kids, I came into their lives after they were grown.  His problem.  

I was kind, thus mistaken for being a weak person.  Now they ALL understand how strong and stubborn I am.  I don't play head games, I don't do fake any longer.

Actually my life is so much easier.  I should never, and I mean never, have played the phony games.  You can talk until you are exhausted, but your actions will get thru to them.  I now live it, no words.

Good luck and hugs.  

MissTexas's picture

That is precisely correct. Nobody suffers but YOU. In all honesty, you and I are in a very similar situation with DH's and SD's as we have discussed. As ugly as these SD's blowups were, and as painful as it was for our DH's to say and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it, I believe it all happened for a reason. If it had not have happened right before DH's eyes, they would NEVER BELIEVE their darling princesses were ever capable of such nastiness. I can say with complete satisfaction DH has told me many times over, "I am just absolutely appalled at her behavior. How disgusting of her. I want to see her face to face so I can tell her how she's royally fu**ed up my life." There is some level of satisfaction there, because he has admitted his shock, dismay and disappointment, and because SD behaved like a feral rabid animal, foaming at the mouth, and throwing her ass up in the air in front of daddddeee, the gloves were off at that point, and now I no longer have to put on my painted doll face and tolerate her. The nastiness has reared its ugly head, and I commend her for that, because most classic narcissists cannot keep themselves adequately under wraps for very long, but she really went the distance. How sad though, that even though she is educated (proof money can't buy class) she felt this was her ONLY OPTION. Her father's opinion of her has gone way down, and he is just so embarrassed at her actions and behavior. It has truly changed more than I ever could've imagined. Their relational dynamic was changed, as was ours.

Praying for the best for you my friend, and OP.

Ispofacto's picture

If you're not good enough for her to be friendly to, your home is not good enough for her to use.  I mean, who TF does she think she is?  She think she's entitled to favors trom someone she treats like poo.  And yes, she is doing it on purpose.  No one cares what she thinks of the relationship.  You are a person and you matter.  She wants to control daddee.

Mountains's picture

If you let her use your home (or anything else really) now after what has transpired she will walk all over you for years.

My SD (60) has tried walking over me for years and I refused to be bullied, manipulated, or guilted into allowing her into my home, which she considered her personal shopping lot.  My DH did not address it for years until she got really bold with him and said a lot of bad things about me to him.  It opened his eyes and he supported my position of disengagement- his kids are his responsibility.

Our boundaries include our home, our money, and our time.  Please define and keep boundaries in place.  It really does help.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Don't worry about trying to be friendly ever again. There is nothing you can do that will get her to reciprocate. I bent over backwards trying to get OSD44 to approve of me. It's repulsive to me now to think of it, actually.

After not being able to drive me away, she had a meltdown and revealed her true nature to daddy (they do this a lot as you can see from the above posters).

However, dad still loves her, but he can see her away from me. I've told him that when she treats us individually and collectively with respect then we can consider it, but we both know it will never happen - she doesn't even treat her father with respect, just as her property.

If you have to see her (I won't see mine unless it's a funeral) aim for civility. That's it. You will not have any positive you give her reciprocated, because you took time and money away from her and her daddy.

CANYOUHELP's picture

If daddeeee has wimped out on the sickness he fully created, there is nothing you can do but remove yourself until he grows a pair--don't bet on it. Instead, bet on being alone on this journey and fully protecting yourself. Make it clear you deserve much better in your life and you plan to eliminate the dysfunction he brings into your marriage. You do not need him to stay away from the mess and you have to at all costs, if nothing is done to correct the brat(s). 

Who cares?  You did not create the situation and they are not YOUR problem.....be thankful you have recognized the problem and the only reasonable solution--if you are dealing with the all too common wimp dadeeeee.