Child back in his life
I have been with my partner 3 years, knowing he had a child, His ex suffers Bipolar, so she is very difficult. When we first met, my partner had discovered his ex and child had moved back to the state we lived in, he only had seen his son a few times a year since their breakup. He tried for fortnightly visits to bond with his son, i was fine with it, we were only 2 months into relationship, i had nothing to do with child, which didn't faze me that early on, but i was put to the side. About 6 months later, the ex and child disapeared interstate, changed phone numbers, it devastated my partner, i stood by him and felt so angry that she could this again to him. We had done everything her way and she just took it all again. He tracked her down and visited his son twice, but after 2nd visit, he had a falling out with her inwhich she took off again. Time has gone on, and my partner and i considered our own child, but he got scared that i could turn and take his child as easy as she did. So agreed to not have children, even though i fear i will resent him. But generally we were happy. Then the ex...... shes back..... i was happy at the start as i knew my partner would be happy to see his son again. It sounds like she cant handle the son anymore now hes older etc, so wants his dad around. Paperwork is in place so she cant leave again without approval. But how we have his son every 2nd weekend and hes on the phone to her every other day about the child. I have put so much into this relationship and now i feel like i mean nothing to my partner. I feel so selfish, because its the childs welfare that is most important. i was delighted that he has access, but reality has hit me, i feel like its interfering in my life now.
Don't have kids with this
Don't have kids with this guy. He's a poor candidate with all the problems he already has. That piece of paper is not going to stop a crazy person from doing what the voices tell her to do. I guarantee she'll be leaving again, they're never happy.
I know you've invested a lot but there is no point in investing more time and effort in a losing proposition. Gently get out of the relationship and find a guy without kids. I guarantee you'll be sorry if you continue with this situation, especially feeling as you do.
I don't always comment on a
I don't always comment on a lot of posts because I can't relate to them or offer advice. However I experience some of what you do. Been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years (Ill be hitting 30 on my next boyfriend). Again when I first met bf he was very honest and upfront about having two kids by two women. One he saw and the other he didn't because the relationship was so toxic with bm (she too has some type of mental issue and although were not in regular contact does email every couple of weeks looking for more money).
Anywho, I was naive too and didn't see it for what it is. We now have ss every weekend and as I don't have my own child I feel like I've lost out on my younger years playing house with a man who may or may not want to have children with me (keeps saying next year). It's heart breaking. In December bm2 emails out of the blue almost begging bf to see sd5. I supported bf and told him of course. As it turns out bm2 had lost her job and wanted more money off bf, pulled the plug and moved to a neighboring country. I would never tell fb this but secretly deep down I was relieved. I already feel resentment about having ss such a large portion of time that another woman's child coming into my house would have been a lot. Also I am ignored when ss is here so could you imagine how bf would be making up for such a long amount of time???
Anyways, my relationship with bf is on the rocks. When I feel he's unloving or uncaring to me the feelings I have about him having two children with two women come to the surface, in particular one we don't see. Sorry no real advice here I recognize but depending on your age doubt you want to get old and bitter like me
Your BF is handling all this
Your BF is handling all this badly. He's allowing BM's actions to determine whether YOU have any children? No. He's concentrating so much on keeping her happy that he's forgetting to make YOU happy? No.
Look, I'm a mom too, and yes you have a responsibility to your child. You are required to keep them fed, clothed, and sheltered. You *should* be a good and active parent and ensure your child knows they are loved. But you DO NOT forget about your partner in the process. You DO NOT leave your partner feeling abandoned and unloved because you're trying to make *everything* about the child. While a child should always know he or she is loved, it is most definitely NOT in the child's best interest for them to be the center of Dad's universe. Your BF is being both a bad BF and a bad parent if this is the case.
Have you talked to him about how you feel? It's not "selfish" to say that your needs are not being met - or at least, it's not a bad thing. He should care about that, and if he doesn't then you've got a much bigger problem. Don't make it an attack ("You always..." or "You never...") - make it about YOU. "Babe, I've been feeling a little neglected. I need a little attention. Maybe we could..." and then tell him specifically what you'd like. A date night? A weekend getaway? Some cuddle time on the couch with the phones off? Whatever it is, let him know.
I would also STRONGLY recommend counseling for him. If he's allowing fear of a "repeat BM" to affect his life decisions, he's in serious need, that's not healthy.
So appreciate everyone's
So appreciate everyone's comments and glad i can vent somewhere! you all have good points and mostly stuff i know and thought about. Our last conversation he did say it is up to me whether the child comes up fortnightly, as Im his priority in life. And hes not going to let the BM control our relationship. Im a caring person, so i don't want his son to miss out on anything. Im hoping its i just need time to adjust, as its been just me and him past 2 years living together. Also, I probably need to be honest to myself and speak up of how i really feel rather than accept everything, he probably wouldnt take it so bad.