nightmare down the hall
Hi. I have 4 wonderful stepdaughters that I get along with very well. As far as step parenting goes I got really lucky and they just kind of adopted me as mom. My particular issues aren't with them at all. The problem I have is with my husbands nephew. He is now 21 years old. His mother had him diagnosed with ADHD/bipolar when he was around 5 years old (I think)mostly I believe to explain her serious lack of parenting. I could go on about her but to make a long story short, at best she is criminally unfit. About 5 years ago she sent him to live with his father, with whom of course his behavior issues became a problem. Eventually they clashed over something and the boy took off one night on a bike. He got ran down by a UHaul moving truck and ended up with a brain injury to boot. As far as anyone can tell the brain injury effected his motor skills but nothing else. His behavior problems were always there. Once out of the hospital his mother took him back home with her, which I believe lasted around 4 months before she turned him over as a ward of the state. I know is father is currently locked up for a prole violation, though I'm not sure what the violation was, I know he was convicted of child cruelty for standing the same boy in a corner after biting his sister. Where the state had him with his mother and father both out of the picture I'm not sure. By then he was too old for foster care and I don't believe he was with family.
Eventually he turned up on another uncles doorstep, I don't know the details of that story only that he stayed there for about a month and then was at yet another uncles home(my husband is one of 7 children). He stayed at the second uncles home for about 3 months. Aside from the same issues we have with him, they found some of their daughters underwear crammed under his bed and that was the last straw for them, that was when he came to live with us.
Since moving in with us we've noticed that the boy is a compulsive liar or possibly delusional. He's told us and others that he has a wife and 3 children, who are sometimes waiting on him to come home and at other times all dead. Hes been away touring with his band. He lived in Ireland for a while. He was locked away in prison for crimes he didn't commit. Or he was at a monastery in Japan learning to become a ninja warrior. He is also a compulsive thief, in the past year we've caught him stealing multiple items from our home or cars, and once he even took an atv from the house and ran away with that. Only recently we came home to find him sitting in my husbands truck with it running, I believe that had we been ten minutes later getting home he would have been gone in it without a drivers licenses to boot. The neighbors have caught him stealing from them as well. He's basically assaulted an elderly neighbor lady trying to forcefully kiss her. He has called the police to my husband claiming that my husband beats him. He's stalked the neighborhood with a sword(God only knows where he got it) telling the neighbors that he was going to protect them from the bad ninjas in the woods. He's gone to the church down the road from our home and told them that not only do we beat him we also starve him. He throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way and that usually ends with him trying to run away. He has on occasion even come at my husband a few times when he wasn't given what he wanted. He's cut himself when told that he would have to take a bath, which is something that apparently he despises. He seems to feel that soap and water might lead to his death, him wearing anything nearly like clean clothes or deodorant is a battle we've fought and lost. The filth is unbearable, I shall leave it to the imagination the things I've found on the toilet seat, inside the shower and on the bathroom walls or even in the laundry basket on the rare occasion that we can talk him into a shower. Suffice it to say there is some potty training issues there :sick: . And very much like with the last uncle he lived with, he has a special way of making me and my stepdaughters very uncomfortable, though we have yet to come up missing underwear.
I have long since reached the point of no longer wanting to help him, if there is help for him it is far beyond my abilities. I basically want him gone never to return. The problem is getting my husband on board with this, he is a big hearted man and feels like its his obligation to care for his nephew until his brother is able to. In the meantime my husband is disabled and not well, the constant stress from this is only making him worse, for 6 weeks we were mercifully rid of the nephew, while he was away at a mental facility after a tantrum where he cut himself. My husbands health improved vastly, in the 2 months that the nephew has been back its been a daily struggle. I'm worried that this is going to eventually kill him. Honestly I no longer care what happens to the nephew, that ship sailed a long time ago. He has ran away several times, the only problem I have with this is that he keeps coming back. I would surely let him just be gone but my husband would worry himself into the grave over it.
I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to get my husband on board with putting his nephew into a home and if anyone knows of any resources(aside from a useless state worker)to help us in doing that.
no they are all adults and
no they are all adults and none are living with us anymore. But they are very close with their father and visit often usually spending the night and the nephew has become an issue with them as well. Especially because they see what this is doing to their father and his health.
Have you had him evaluated?
Have you had him evaluated? He sounds schizophrenic, which often manifests in late teens/early twenties. If he is you need to have him committed and a medication regimen established for the safety of both him and everyone else.
I am sorry your family is
I am sorry your family is going through this. I agree with learningallofthetime. My first thought was schizophrenia as well. Perhaps spin it to your husband that you are concerned for the boys safety because his issues to put him in danger. I would he insist he get evaluated. Most schizophrenics are not dangerous intentionally but a delusion can make him feel threatened and lash out.
Good luck that sounds like a very difficult situation.
yes he has been evaluated.
yes he has been evaluated. several times in fact. this year alone we've gone through 4 dr.s. according to them, at least as much as i hear and understand of it, he does have ADHD and is on meds for it. they refuse to treat for bipolar because none believe that that is his issue. 3 dr's believe that his behavioral problems are learned or resulted from abuse and neglect and he needs therapy. like i said his mother is criminally unfit, she too has made false accusations against his father saying that he beat them, he molested/raped their daughter and son, that he was running drugs from their home, etc. and again the same exact accusations were made against her second husband. she has been unable to raise either of the children because shes "sick and its just too much" though what her illness is nobody knows, but since she did get a check for both of them they did live with her at least until the age of 18. shes has called the police saying that one husband or boyfriend beats her, starves her, etc. she has been known to do many of the things that the nephew now does. her ex husband is now being investigated and will most likely end up serving jail time because of her accusations. he is simply the third on her list, my husbands brother was just the first. personally i agree with the nephews doctors, the ADHD may be present but the largest part of his issues most likely were learned or the result of abuse at her hands. we were not allowed contact with the children after the divorce but through the state worker some of his school/medical records have been made available to us and its apparent from complaints from teachers about fighting, soiling himself intentionally, excessive body odor, rather disgusting table manners, etc. that this has been going on at the very least since kindergarten. he learned at a very early age how to get attention and manipulate people into giving him what he wants, through whatever threats were necessary. he has been treated by one doctor or another for several mental illness' over the years and i believe this is how he eventually ended up on "partial disability" my husband handles those things so im not entirely sure exactly what it is. i know he has been declared incompetent, which he most certainly is in my opinion.
thus far we have had him in therapy three different times but he always manages to get thrown out for one reason or another. i know he was in group therapy and started fights with others, hes threatened violence on the therapists, hes ran away from the waiting rooms and from inside the office when he wasnt constantly supervised.
they have ruled out schizophrenia and 2 of 3 doctors dont think hes bipolar either. im sure there is a long list of other things that need to be ruled out as well but as we're having to deal with it through his state worker and medicare/medicaid its a very long slow process with little to no results.
Those are some pretty bizarre
Those are some pretty bizarre behaviors for ADHD or Bipolar but I am not an expert. I still suspect there are some pretty bizarre mental issues here that no one has identified as yet. Is there a possibility he is using drugs some of the new synthetic drugs cause some very strange behaviors and delusions. Unfortunately they do not all show up on drug tests but if you search his personal space you might find something. I am usually against privacy invasion but drug suspicion is a different animal. I really hope that is not the case but a mentally damaged 21 year old could turn to self medicating with illegal substances. If that is the problem you have a whole other battle but possible an explanation.
No matter the reason you should not have to live like that. you can have him temporarily committed if he is a threat to you or someone else but that is generally only for thirty six hours and they can deem him safe and discharge him. It may connect you with more resources. I would call local MHMR resources and even drug and alcohol resources as often they have links to mental health resources. Beyond that I am afraid for you and your husband. I do not know what you can do to convince your hubby this is a very bad situation. Good luck to you and your husband.
forgive me im new to all of
forgive me im new to all of this, MHMR?
bizarre is a very nice way of
bizarre is a very nice way of putting it
he has been known to smoke pot while with his friends. but for months now that is no longer the case, even stoners dont like it when you steal from them and they air out enough to realize that you smell like a septic tank. a poor choice of friends for him but what we didnt know at the time...
he smokes and tries to drink beer, which we do let him have every now and again. other than that we do keep a close eye on him and have checked his room, though you can never be 100% we're pretty sure that he isnt on drugs.
If your DH heard it from a
If your DH heard it from a professional such as a therapist, that it is not healthy for his family to live with him would he take it more seriously? I agree with the other posters that he needs help and he is a danger to himself and also to everyone in the house and society. He needs help but it should not be in your home.
so far the neighbors only
so far the neighbors only ever call us to come handle it. i think he is mostly a danger to himself, most likely ending up getting run down again because he likes to roam the streets at night or just falling on his face. he simply doesnt have what it physically takes to actually harm someone, ive seen a 3 year old lay him out. he actually laid down and cried for an hour out in the yard because a 3 year old smacked him in the face and told him to go away because he was smelly. hes big talk and lots of yelling and threats but nothing else.
im not too afraid of him hurting someone, mostly afraid of one of the neighbors shooting him. one did fire a few shots above his head but in all fairness, the nephew did jump his fence and completely ignored the no trespassing signs to go bang on the front door.
our elderly neighbor lady knew exactly what she was dealing with and choose to invite him inside her home.
as for the neighbors not calling the police when he came over with a sword to fight off bad ninjas in the woods, they also oddly enough have a nephew living with them, and have "the nephew" situation as well. its not as bad for them but i think they let a little more than normal slide because of their situation.
believe me i want him gone! i believe he belongs in a mental facility, i just have no idea how to go about getting him there. i fully admit my cluelessness, ive never seen anything like this and have no idea how to deal with it.
he did not "attack" her, he
he did not "attack" her, he got creepy pervy and tried to kiss her. his behavior is totally his fault. im only saying one should not be shocked to get stung by bees if they go shaking the hive. maybe elderly isnt the best way to describe her. you seem to have the impression that she is a feeble blue haired antique and she is hardly that.
I work in outpatient mental
I work in outpatient mental health. You need to call the police when he starts acting out. Does not matter if the neighbors call you first, you call the police. You explain he is delusional and appears detached from reality. The police will kindly transport him to the local ER, who will have him committed on a 72 hour hold. They will evaluate and come up with a plan. This is the fastest way to get him the help he needs.
This is not bipolar or ADHD as you have described the behavior. Delusions are a hallmark of schizophrenia, where there is a pyschotic break with reality. Bipolar during the manic phase can also exhibit similar behaviors. Bipolar has been poorly understood and misrepresented in the media - it is swings between depression (not wanting to get up, poor self care etc) to manic (where they will be awake for days, often have some project they are fixated on and give no attention to anything else).
Getting a diagnosis of bipolar or schizophrenia in young children is very unusual. Both often manifest during the teenage years, with something triggering the break. My BF's father was diagnosed schizophrenic at 35 when he was fired and this triggered the break. He now believes the government is after him, he is tailed etc.
I strongly recommend the police calling route for everyone's safety - often undiagnosed schizophrenics self-medicate with drugs/alcohol and it spirals out of control. Not showering etc is typical too.
I have never seen him have
I have never seen him have anything nearly like what you describe as manic, only ever what you describe as depression. He does however have some serious conspiracy theories. He tends to believe that everyone is out to get him, especially the government.
he actually has been to the ER for this. we didnt call the police we took him ourselves. And he was held for a while, they too decided he needed meds for ADHD and therapy. Like every other time, after only a couple of weeks, there was some issue which i was never really clear on but they didnt want him to come back. and thats pretty much it, no recommendation on where to go next, no referral, no nothing...just the same cycle all over again.
on the other hand i dont believe all the doctors ever get the entire story either. i doubt that anyone has ever told them that he appears detached from reality. my husband deals with all of that, he is the state appointed caregiver? he and the state worker who also deals with 30 other people, handle all of that. my husband signed papers taking responsibility for him and im never involved in his care other than day to day living with him. im not sure how this sort of thing works so im not sure im even allowed to talk to his doctors, i only know i never have. i dont think anybody really gets the chance to speak to them, he just gets shoved off from one to the next constantly.
I only mean that she doctor
I only mean that she doctor hopped until she got what she was looking for. He may very well have an issue that she wasnt lying about. But I have seen him in action. He is manipulative to say the least and more often than not seems to know exactly what he is doing. He is only "crazy" when it suits him, he is quite normal when he wants to be. So we're left wondering is he faking crazy or faking sanity? Is he acting out to get his way because he learned how to do it or can he not help himself? He can plot and scheme with the best of them, I've seen him do it. So we don't know if he needs therapy and medication for a mental illness or not.
I think it is worth exploring
I think it is worth exploring whether his Traumatic Brain Injury is contributing to his problems. If he had issues previous to the accident, it stands to reason they might be exacerbated due to the brain injury. It might broaden the range of services he could receive.
I will certainly ask about
I will certainly ask about those things. i will do my best to bring it up with my husband and the state worker to see if there is help for him yet. Is there someone aside from those two that i should ask about it, like a doctor or a state service that i can call?
You're DH does not sound as
You're DH does not sound as if he is helping SS or you with his decisions. The court may have given DH legal authority, but DH may not have the understanding, experience or resources to effectively help SS.
Regarding your impression that the "real or more complete" story is not being shared with the social worker and all of the doctors, you are probably correct. DH is more than likely editing his stories and trying to focus on one or two innocuous symptoms while denying/ignoring the jimungo elephant in the living room.
I don't have great advice, but I have called professionals before that I had no business calling:
For instance, I have called my parent's physician w/o their knowledge several years ago after my brother's suicide. I explained that I understood that with HIPPA, they could not tell me anything about my folk's medical situation; however, I asked the nurse to make a note for their doctor that both parents were denying drinking any alcohol while on medications (contraindicative for alcohol), but that I found empty bottles and 1/2 filled glasses stashed in cabinets. My parents were lying to the doctor for whatever reason, and the doctor was believing what they were telling him. Later, I learned that a discussion of depression, anxiety and self-medicating occurred with the doctor. Yay.
Last month I spoke with the State CPS social worker regarding SGS 7 & SGS 10, SGD 13 and SD 30. I spoke of what I myself had seen, heard, witnessed and what the kids had told me with date/time/location. (pit bull biting BD2, with 5 minor kids in the house, SM/GF to BD2 threatening to kill him in front of the kids, etc. Things that apparently no one bothered to tell the SW.) I put my version of "the truth" into the hands of the authorities. Did it help? I don't know. I do know that the kids now have a TRO protecting them from the SM and she was tested and found to be 5 months pregnant w/heroin & meth in her system. The kids also have a few more state services than they had.
You do not have to be a designated custodian. You do not have to be anything other than a concerned citizen to call. Frankly, I would document, document, document. Every time SS acts out, I would call the cops. Every time. Squeaky wheel gets more attention than sweeping it under the carpet.
Your SS is not being helped by your DH. This is so far beyond what can/should be handled by family members. Poor SS. Poor you. Poor DH
EDIT: I do not mean for you to abuse police services, of course, but you need more help. I kinda doubt the statement that SS has been "evaluated" multiple times. I believe that you were told this. Perhaps DH uses that term for every time he takes SS to the doctor with issues. Evaluations are very different and may occur over a few days.
Hallucinations, paranoia all of that are just not symptomatic of ADD or our elementary schools would look much, much different. Just saying.
You are so far over your head and I hope that DH realizes that at some point.
Believe it or not a miracle
Believe it or not a miracle happened last night! My husband didnt agree that the nephew had to go he out right insisted upon it!
I'm not sure what happened exactly, I know they had some words over the filth in his room and the disturbing smell coming from in there. Apparently that was the last straw for him.
Hes calling the nephews state workers today.