New, unwilling to have kids treated as my equal
I'm new and so glad I found this forum. I have been a "stepmom" for 14 years to 2 boys, now 17 and 21 years old, so I'm going to try and summarize the past 14 years so I can get to my current issues. I met my husband when I was 21, he was 27 with a 3 year old and 7 year old. We fell in love quick and I moved in 3months after we started dating, we married 1 1/2 years later. His kids irritated me at times but they weren't bad kids. The behavior of my husband and his family irritated more than anything. I worked weekends only the first 10 years so my exposure to the pedestal his kids were put on by everyone was very limited until the past 4 years when we decided I would homeschool our 2 children who are now 7 and 9. Don't get me wrong, his family is good to my kids but they all suffer from "guilty parent syndrome" and I'm fed up. 8 months ago the 21 year old came and stayed with us for a week while his mom was out of town, and he brought his German Shepherd. I enjoyed him and his dog that week, but that week turned into 2, then 3, now it's been 8 months and I hate that dog and I'm beginning to recent my SS that for the most part I've always liked more than 99% people like their step kids. Since he just unexpectedly moved in my husband has been secretly dancing that "he chose me over you" dance to his ex and I think he deserves that (she's evil) so I've tolerated a lot because my SS is "supposed" to be getting a mobile home and moving to opposite side of the property and that discussion has uncovered some things that ultimately led me to post here. Our home is on 5 acres that is surrounded by 160 acres of farmland owned by his family, primarily his mom, my husband is supposed to inherit the 160 acres when his parents die. I assumed when that happened I would go on the deed with him and it would the be our property, that's why I built my home here, boy was I wrong! In addition to him and me, my husband wants to deed all 4 of the kids "their portion" when the property becomes his and I completely disagree with that. It's not how I was raised, not to mention the legal liability of co owning property with children that you have no control over. I was playing with the idea of building a barn as a wedding venue and my SS made the comment "I don't like where you want it and the property's gonna be mine anyway, so I think you find somewhere else. " Since moving in my SS suddenly acts like he has more say than I do and my husband allows it. Legally he doesn't, I've farmed it for 14 years so the laws on my side but husband should be too. Thats only one of multiple things that have occurred since my SS has moved in, not following rules about the dog, doesn't clean the basement that's turned into his apartment etc. I have talked with my husband about all of this and it leads to fights. What do I do? Am I over reacting?
You are not overreacting. You
You are not overreacting. You do not have to abdicate your life as an adult because junior is starting his.
Normally I recommend a 21 year old be given an immediate plan and time frame for moving out on his own. This is usually about going to college, getting an apartment, finding a job -- some combination of these things.
But in your case it sounds like the life plan is to farm on this land and live on it so how you gonna insist he launch? He has "launched" in your husband's or your family's vision.
So I'm sorry I got nuthin' for you but empathy!
Maybe form a family corporation to hold the land with non-voting members not having a say in executive decisions like where the barn goes?
No heck no, you are not
No heck no, you are not over-reacting, I would be spittin' pi...ed. You have been used, it appears, and nobody cares about your old age security at all, but you. I would be fried by this treatment by my husband. You can bet these kids have been promised it all, if appears; because they are certainly not beyond throwing it in your face now. What will they do if your husband passes?????
What financial security do you have if the kids are deeded all the property and you have no name at all on any deed, anywhere? You are helping them build the kids' fortune and you might eventually find yourself elderly, put out somewhere in a trailer house off this property somewhere, penniless, if dadeeee dearest passes.
It is time of an iron clad will and also nailing down your future assets. Do not stand for this treatment. He is not treating you like a marital partner, more like a squatter on the kid's estate.
CANYOUHELP makes much more
CANYOUHELP makes much more excellent points than I could think of.
Your dh does need a come to jesus that you are a person, too, a full partner to him. You may need a lawyer, my friend, just to find out what your property rights in this land are already from years of marriage. Have the lawyer help you suss out would be a proper plan to represent your interests. Maybe if your dh is so hell bent on giving his land away, he should have to buy you out first.
Thank you Chief, you and I
Thank you Chief, you and I are on the same page, completely!
My SS does have a job, a good
My SS does have a job, a good one and makes good money. We never discussed a plan it all happened so quickly and I'm told he is going to look at mobile homes Wednesday. I completely scratched the barn idea and made it very clear why. I also have began to be a b**ch when it comes to MY house. I told my husband I don't want my name on any of his deeds, they can have it but to remember that I own this 5 acres and this house, with him of course, and if he dies first I can and will give it solely to our 2 children. I spent days reading the state laws and giving children land that have not "grown up" or settled down yet is just stupid. What if they become drug addicts, murders, etc. Thank y'all for validating that I'm not crazy. Also we have life insurance on each other, term for life of the mortgage and whole life that would cover burial experience 3 times over. My family also has 200 plus acres that will solely go to my brother and I so I'm not as worried about security as I am the betrayal of a spouses rights.
Is your name on the house
Is your name on the house deed and property NOW of which you desire? If not, that would be my immediate goal; IMMEDIATELY. And, you are not in a position to take NO for an answer from husband or anybody else. If not, after your husband dies, nobody will remember a thing, trust me.
Oh, yeah, we are reading from
Oh, yeah, we are reading from the same life manual. Ooooooh, yeah.
"...nobody will remember a thing, trust me...." Ding ding ding!!!!
There's security and there's
There's security and there's security. Maybe someone in your family (the other 200 acres) will put up the argument that you've spent a lifetime working some other patch of land so all the 200 goes to brother and his heirs. Or some variation of that.
I would definitely find out for sure what your actual stake in the property you're worried about is (dh's family land) and go from there. Don't relinquish years of sweat equity because you think you're covered by your family of origin estate.
You can always be magnanimous when the time comes if you feel you've got more than enough, but right now from what I can tell you've got the 5 acres with some extra folks on it who may actually make their OWN claims (ss, dh) on it and a hope and a prayer on the other acres which will get you a phone call if you have a dime.
My name is on the house and
My name is on the house and almost everything we have. I built this house (that I could never afford to build again) on this property because I was under the impression that "his inheritance" meant "my inheritance" because that's how my family works. I discussed all of this with my mom and she was rather shocked and said she'd make sure my husband was left out of hers and my dads will. He has made the comment that he's afraid if he died first and everything was in just my name and his name that I wouldn't give his kids anything. I told him that if he honestly felt that way after 14 years together than I prefer he leave me off anything he inherits from his parents. Also, since my husband and I currently farm over half of the property (his grandfather and father also farmed it prior to us, beef cattle not a lot of money but it pays the tractor payment) I have rights to it regardless of what any deed says and I know that.
My husband didn't move him
My husband didn't move him in, he asked to stay for a week and never left. My problem is that my SS believes he this all will one day be his and that I deserve nothing but my house. That's not how I view marriage. Marriage is combining 2 people's assets into 1 estate with the heir being the spouse. I was never told different until recently. My husband goes out of his way to make sure both of SS are never upset by anything he says or does. For example, I want that dog out of MY house. Is it gone: no! Does it stay in the crate at night like my husband told my SS it had to: no! Does he enforce that rule or any rule: no! If that dog bites someone whose homeowners gets sued: mine. So do I want to be comowner of property with someone that lets a commonly blacklisted dog roam free: absolutely not! I told him to leave me off the deeds to other 160 acres, no one but he and I are on the 5 acres my house is on. In the event he dies prior to me, our probate courts will give me 1/5 of the 160 acres with the other portions going to all 4 children. I don't think inheritance is a right, I think you earn it.
I addressed your post because
I addressed your post because I am right. You didn't read my original post correctly. I said in addition to him and me on the deed he wants to deed the kids their portions. So 4 deeds, 40 acres each, me, him plus 1 child on each deed. Owning land is a huge responsibility and I believe all 4 of the kids, including my own, should prove they are responsible enough to manage the property. He does know me well and he knows I do what's right. As far as the law goes, if I was not on the deeds at all, when he died I could argue that he unintentionally left me off, the fact that we have farmed the land together, means I have rights to it regardless of what any deed says. I have read many parts of the code of Alabama, this particular part I read 5 times and I'm positive that the land is now "contaminated" since it has been used in a business that is co owned by both spouses. I do not care what he gives his kids, but I refuse to be on a deed with anyone other than my husband because there's too much of a liability risk. Who are you to judge me or my situation.
your husband needs to find
your husband needs to find his balls and set a date for ss to move out. period.
Inheritance is for the
Inheritance is for the beneficiary not necessarily part of marital property. Better check your state laws.
The land you deeded together IS in fact marital property.
Sounds like you need to draft wills---then you will know the deal without assuming again.
(sorry) about this.
Here's the thing. If you were
Here's the thing. If you were your hubbys first wife and bio mom to his kids when he died you would get everything. Then when u died all would go tot the kids. I don't believe in leaving inheritances for kids when one spouse is still alive. Step parent or not. If a spouse dies. You should get everything. Now when u go of course assets should be split up between all the kids. And what and how much needs to be decided on now. It should have been discussed prior to marriage to be honest with u
I'm curious how it works if
I'm curious how it works if you die first. In my state (if you have no will) the spouse get the home and half of the assets. Are you going to leave a house to your DH in that event? If so, is it set up that your kids get the home once he's gone?
Nope, not over reacting. Time
Nope, not over reacting. Time to change the locks, get the law envolved to stake your claim and get your home back under your own control and let DH know that his kids get the farm when both you and DH are gone... and not one second before that.
It should be interesting to see how they react when you put your foot down and also quit funding their lives from your efforts.
Good luck.