New here...Issues arisen from a long time ago
I have been a step parent 23 years. It's hasn't been easy, but I survived. My DH lost his partner, my SD's BM, about 2 years prior to marrying me. You might think it would have been easier without that stress of a BM involved, but with her extended family intervening it actually wasn't. I have recently discovered my eldest SD has hateful feelings towards my DH and can't forgive him for remarrying amongst other things, and says he's a dreadful father. My DH also has a disability which she refuses to accept or believe. To say she's unsympathetic is an understatement. She has 3 kids we never see which she tried to make us feel bad about. I feel betrayed as I'd always been nice to her and thought she liked me, so all the while feel like she was living a lie. To make things worse, she has recently reconnected with her younger sister, my other SD, also grown up with 2 young kids of her own. I thought I had a good relationship with this SD, since I've parented her since she was 5. However, I suspect
Feel betrayed
Sorry I'm new here and hadn't finished writing that! Apologies! What I was trying to say is that I suspect older SD has turned younger SD against both me and my DH. Anyone else experienced this type of behaviour? My younger SD has suddenly become very unfriendly and barely talks, but before we would message one another regularly. It's really upset me. She won't respond when I ask her what's wrong or if older SD has been speaking bad of us. I'm assuming loyalty to her sister over rides any loyalty to me or her Dad. Any advice would be most welcome. I just feel betrayed.
Sadly there is nothing you
Sadly there is nothing you can do except distance yourself from these toxic adults. The older SD is still upset that he remarried 23 years ago, when I assume she was a child?! She is a disordered person who uses her own children as weapons.
I'd suggest doing nothing more for them, staying away and keeping your boundaries tight. Your DH should do the same, but you can't control what he chooses to do. My guess is that he has indulged and enabled this behavior all through their lives and is unlikely to stop now.
Agree
There nothing you can say or do. Nothing is going to make it better. Disengage from all of it
I would stop trying
with younger SD. Let her join alliances with her older sister and see where that gets her. If she's a fair, healthy individual, hopefully she'll miss your relationship and reach out in the future. And if she does, you can pick it back up. In the meantime, stop trying. I believe all relationships between adults should be 2-way streets. You chasing her or prodding her for information about older SD just pulls you into the dysfunction.
I'm sorry you've lost that relationship for now. I'm sure that is difficult. Hopefully she'll be back soon.
These are grown adults. They
These are grown adults. They are responsible for themselves so if the younger step is being pursuaded to turn on you by the older then she was never really in your corner to begin with. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do except to protect yourself from being used and abused by these people. There is a huge reason why the phrase "blood is thicker than water" is still present today. If I were you I would distance myself from them both, build my life without them because the people who want to be in your life will make that effort.
wills
I hope you have good life insurance and solid wills because these SD's are in cahoots against you, their common enemy. Their behavior is toxic.
23 years, and just now mad at you? WTF? And DH? How was he as a father? Did you parent them at all? How were they then? And disability is disability. Not believing in it? What is that about?
Sorry so many questions!
Id disengage and leave the younger SD to her own devices. If she comes back to you GREAT. If not just make certain you are legally and financially covered. Because if anything goes south with your DH, they WILL come after you with guns blazing.
I agree it's odd to find out
I agree it's odd to find out after SO LONG older SD has such major issues. I parented them with DH for some years until OSD went to live with BM grandparents at age 12 as they let her basically do what she wanted! My DH is a firm but fair parent, but is on the autistic spectrum so never found parenting easy. However, certainly not a bad Dad, as she claims. I've always been closer with YSD and she grew up with my BD, who's a similar age. OSD and YSD never had a close relationship and often argued both when growing up and as adults, so their union now is odd too. My DH and I have 2 children together, both of whom are disabled. Both SD's resent them and don't seem to care about them at all. Yet we are expected to care about the SD's kids which is bizarre. OSD expected us to remember her kids birthdays and send Christmas money in the past, but never remembered her brother and sisters. Definitely some jealousy there, although not from my BD. My DH had never pampered to their needs and has put me first, and I guess they really resent that. He's disengaged with them a lot more than me interestingly. I agree disengagement is likely my best course of action and hopefully YSD will eventually see OSD in her true light. Oh yes, OSD already caused a massive rift between DH and YSD 4 years ago, by accusing YSD boyfriend of being abusive, YSD denied this and now i suspect OSD was lying in order to cause this rift as at the time DH, myself and YSD had a good relationship. This was ruined over this accusation. Now YSD and said boyfriend have since split and YSD is now raising 2 young daughter on her own. It seems this has given OSD the perfect angle to get back into YSD life. We always got on well with YSD boyfriend too up until the falling out.
This has been bubbling under the surface for decades.
This is a classic example of SDs engaging in relational aggression. For whatever reason, these formerly distant sisters are bonding over a common enemy - you. YSD may just be one of those weak personalities who rides the fence and is easily swayed, but that makes no difference. Neither SD treats you well, so you can either keep swimming with these sharks or disengage.
Toxic people are a write off.
Toxic people are a write off. Regardless of who they may be.
So, protect yourself and your marriage. Write them off.
I would completely disengaged
I would completely disengaged from them. My parents did with my oldest half brother. His mother died when he was a newborn and BMs family was so angry about losing her they wanted him all to themselves. To do so they did everything they could to alienate him against my parents and it worked.
The only time my parents would hear from him was when he wanted something. They will talk to him when he calls but do not give him anything. I haven't seen him in 13 years and have only talked with him a handful of times in all those years. He lives nearby and can't be bothered to visit anyone including my youngest brother who he was always very close with.
This sounds SO much like my
This sounds SO much like my OSD and her BM''s family. Her grandmother, (who has recently passed away actually, which may have triggered OSD into thinking about the past, not sure though) did see my OSD as a replacement for her daughter so was only too happy to have her move in with her. I agree she had a hand in turning OSD against us. There is a strange twist though in that OSD has cut ties with her maternal aunt, no idea why though. OSD branded her as toxic, but she was actually one of the nicest members of her BM family. Thanks for your input, glad to know I'm not alone.
Kaden 2019...
Happy New Year!! You're here for a reason and hope you find clarity thru other examples posted by others....Unfortunately, it will never get better with your SD - the best you can do is to not loose yourself!! Disengage and master the art - your only hope!!