Money can’t buy you love. Or was it kindness?
So DH and I are fully vaccinated. Spent year working from home. Husband became a grandfather and has yet to see her. She turns 1 soon. I have been sending gifts galore for her and we recently paid for all new nursery furniture.
one stepdaughter lives a couple hrs from us and the baby lives a good day and half drive. I had invited and offered to pay to fly the daughter with her baby and her bf and his teenage daughter to our home this summer so we could all see the baby.
so I was stunned when DH spoke with daughter who she and her husband making the big drive for the baby's first birthday. There is going to be a party. She did not mention us going and of course we did not get invited by her sister. I'm assuming their mother is going as both girls are very close with her.
I feel hurt. I feel that DH is just good to buy stuff. My husband thinks I over reacting. Honestly I should be glad I won't have to engage with DH's ex
if it were me
from now on all gifts would be Savings Bonds. If you're welcome to buy gifts galore and new furniture and yet not welcome at the babies big milesstone events, savings bonds are wonderful gifts or a savings account for baby's college and all gifts are deposits.
Done with gifts.
That's just me. Let husband handle it from now on.
A 529 savings plan is a great
A 529 savings plan is a great idea, if you're so inclined.
I'm a bit confused - are you
I'm a bit confused - are you saying the SD who lives near you was invited to the party and is making the drive, but no one invited the two of you? Do you think they figure you won't go due to COVID, even if vaccinated?
If not, and you are just excluded, then stop buying things for the grandkid. I'd suggest also not getting attached to her.
We were not invited or included. And I had even tossed around the idea of renting a trailer home, picking up daughter and her husband and then driving the big trip So all of us could see the baby. We had talked about it the past year. So it hurt to hear that the two sisters did not think of including us in baby's first birthday.
but I get it. Their mother will be there from out of state as well. My own daughter says it's hard being a step. I get that. But the message is that all holidays etc we only want your money but not you.
It would be fine if they also
It would be fine if they also planned a trip to see you guys, and maybe, you know - told you that being a step was hard, and they'd rather not have you and BM together. But to just say nothing and leave you out is unacceptable.
You keep doing the same thing
You keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
Your H"s relationship with both of his daughters is riddled with dysfunction, and has been for many years. While apparently things have been more civil in recent years, the core issues still exist.
These are NOT your people, and never will be no matter what you do.
You are right.
Old story. People will be nice to you as you shower them with gifts. Stepdaughter graciously offered to FaceTime us on baby's birthday as she opened our present which I actually sent for Easter. All the while all the family is there for celebration except us.
What I don't get is that daughter who lives near us is like enmeshed with father on the phone.
yet she so casually mentioned she was making big drive to the party and not one word of including us. It's a crazy relationship.
I fear I was this skid
As a skid, I've definitely made his call and invited my mom and not dad. And it almost never used to occur to me to include my stepmom in things. Part of that is that I didn't grow up with her because ether got together late in life, but also it wasn't until I was becoming a SM that I realized what a righteous turd I was. DH and I both apologized to our stepmoms when we started reading about step parenting.
So don't plan on it, but maybe more awareness or apologies are possible in the future. I'm really sorry it hurts, though. Honestly my own mom was clearly a HCBM and all of us kids always catered to her feelings and we were all more attached to her despite the abuse. It truly isn't personal to you, though I know that doesn't make it hurt less.
With my SS21 having a HCBM, I
With my SS21 having a HCBM, I don't even expect him to give me anything other than respect, which he does. I know he's not free to see me OR DH as important people in his life, only BM and her BF and her other kids are important. And in return, he gets nothing from me but respectful treatment.
You sound like you were put in the middle. not this daughter who has the baby has always been entitled and thoughtless. See's her father as existing for her bidding. That was how her mother viewed him.
And I'm sorry. And that sounds like she might not ever develop an awareness of her behaviors. I really don't know what makes it easier, which is why I'm on this website every day. I have strong boundaries with skids and this crap still eats at me. It's nice to have this space though. Its saved me From feeling like it's my fault somehow or backing down from boundaries to beg for scraps of affection.
The only way to undo that is
The only way to undo that is for him to stop doing her bidding.
What is HCBM??
I can make my own meanings up. Lol. But seriously what is HC.
High Conflict Bio Mother
There are variations of this:
HCGUBM - High conflict golden uterus bio mother
BM doesn’t want you around
Actually I can see her point of view. SD don't want to do anything, like inviting you the next weekend for a smaller get together. It's time for you to treat them as you are being treated. Disengaging,,, No more gifts from you. Only saving bond type of gifts in there name and DH name so SD can not get to the money. No furniture, let BM buy it from now on ect
I went overboard this past year.
I really disliked these girls when we first met due to the high conflict drama that was well under way before me. I think I tried to make up for my feelings by going overboard in the gift department. Gift certificates furniture flowers toys. And guess what. It didn't matter. All for naught. I've literally spent nothing on myself this year. All on our kids. Including mine. When will I learn? Time to disengage. Get rid of my old sweat clothes and spruce up. Lol.
In this scenario I would just
In this scenario I would just show up if I were your DH. Both of you should go. If the other half of SD's family is attending, by default, your DH (and you) shold be there.