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Update: SD's baby news

2Tired4Drama's picture

I posted that SD is in her second high-risk pregnancy.  High risk for both herself and the baby.

She is a little over 4 months and has already furnished the nursery at home and has a baby registry set up. 

We were deeply sadded to learn that she found out the baby has some very serious congenital issues and she and her husband are seeking specialist consults to determine the way forward.

Here's where I don't know what to think:  AFTER SD got the serious and troubling diagnosis for the baby, within days SD sent out baby shower invites for almost two months from now.  This is not a shower arranged by one of her friends or family - she wrote the invites, she is setting it up for herself, and it's being held at her house.  She included information about the baby registry.  I would never be able to attend since we live many states away, so she is obviously is looking for a baby gift from me.   I don't hear from her at all - not even a card on my birthday.  Getting this card from her addressed to me was a shock.  

I have to admit I am speechless.  I can't imagine what she is thinking - is it possible she is in some mental state of denial?  I thought setting up the nursery was a bit much, but others on this site gave me some insight and I came to understand it might have been a case of "positive thinking" on her part and practicality in case she wound up on bedrest.  

But how can you have such a serious diagnosis and then days later send out invites to people for a baby shower two months from now?

I honestly wonder if she may have some mental issues.  She became pregnant with this baby just about three months after losing the first baby.  Maybe she hasn't fully grasped the gravity of the situation?

FWIW, her mother (BM) is a nutcase.  At the age of 50+ she announced to SD that she wanted to have another baby and went out and married a guy 25 years her junior just weeks before SD got married.  Of course, there ain't no baby coming out of that old oven!  I'm wondering if she is projecting on SD somehow. 



ndc's picture

Are you familiar with the serious congenital issues?  Are they fatal?  If not, it may be that SD's intention is to have and raise the baby no matter what, in which case there's no reason not to go forward with the shower.  Or she could be in denial.  Or nuts.  In your position, since you aren't going to the shower anyway, I'd wait until the baby is born and then send an appropriate gift.

tog redux's picture

Well ... if she's still having a baby, she'll need baby stuff, right?

I personally wouldn't send her anything, DH can send her something if he wants.

notarelative's picture

If the baby shower is held, pick a gift off the registry and send it. It's a baby. It's your husband's grandchild. There's no downside (except for cost and you can send something small) to doing so. Not sending a gift will forever be held against you. Don't add ammunition to the fire.

You could even have DH pay for it and sign both your names.


tog redux's picture

DH can send it, and put "from Dad and SM" on it.  Why should she have to make effort for an adult who makes no effort for her?

shamds's picture

Buy a gift pyrely so it can’t be used against her. Heck she wasn’t invited to the babyshower so isn’t considered family

if any stepchild chucked a hissyfit about this i’d strai Up say well “I wasn’t invited to the baby shower, you don’t acknowledge me, we are not family and since i’m teea Like shit, you’re a nutcase if you think i’ll buy you pressies!!”

ESMOD's picture

She was invited.. though it's likely it wasn't expected she would show up.  I'm not too much into burning bridges personally though.. so would likely not think being confrontational about it would be a great idea.

ESMOD's picture

I agree with this line of thinking.  Take the high road.  Use DH's money of course. 

Look, I know that lots of people on her would be scorched earth and all for someone that didn't bother paying attention to them... but sometimes it is just "easier" and a path of least resistance to do the conventional thing.

In a lot of homes the women are the typical gift getters.. if that has been typical with OP.. then sure.. the miniscule amount of time it will take her to go online.. see the registry.. pick a gift and put in her husband's credit card and "sign" an Ecard from the both of them? minimal..


CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Many congenital issues can be fixed, either before or after the baby's birth.  They are not all fatal or a reason to end a pregnancy.  I would assume that her baby either falls into the non-fatal category or she is trying to stay positive.  Plus, some people do not believe in ending a pregnancy, as long as the baby is alive.  She may be jumping the gun but I don't blame her for wanting to keep a positive outlook.

As far as the gift, your DH should definitely sned a gift, as this is his grandchild.  It is up to both of you to decide if he signs your name or not. This is his daughter and I would let him handle the effort of getting her a gift.

beebeel's picture

Losing a pregnancy and dealing with a high risk pregnancy/potential problems with my baby were hands down the hardest things I have ever endured. Unless your SD has done terrible, awful things to you, these repeated judgements from you come off pretty callous.

Monkeysee's picture

I said this on your last post & my opinion hasn’t changed. Everyone deals with stress & grief differently, your SD might be dealing with the stress by planning a baby shower & staying as positive as possible. 

That said, I don’t see why you should have to buy her anything. Her father can send her something off the registry from the two of you, but I don’t see why it should be your cost or responsibility, even given the stressful circumstances she’s facing. 

Rags's picture

Her choices, sadly, will impact a child.  However, sending a gift is the right thing to do IMHO.

Hopefully, SD is not setting herself up for a significant heart break.

2Tired4Drama's picture

And will send a gift, Rags.  As others said, since she has a HUGE registry I am sure I will be able to find something appropriate within my price range and will just have it sent to her home.  

To be honest, I'm thinking of sending a large box of diapers - which she wants.  It's practical, affordable and disposable.  So I won't have to concern myself with putting any further thought into it.   I will reciprocate with the same amount of thought she has put into developing any kind of adult relationship with me - which is virtually none.

My SO has already decided he plans to go up a couple of weeks after the baby is born, God willing no complications.  He stated this to me, "I will go ...up there." It appears it's clear his plans are to go sans me. 

That's fine.  I never expected to be included. I have to get used to the fact he's on the grandparent track.  And he will be on it alone - good or bad, happy and sad.   All I can do is extend my congratulations or sympathies as the case may be.  

I'll be remaining at the station.  I can find other, more worthwhile, journeys to take.