Marriage is in trouble
I need to get some advice. I've been lurking for a while. This is such a long story and I don't know where to start so I think I'll start with the most recent episode.
SD 18 had to move in with us recently. As it turns out SD and BM's fiance were fooling around WHILE BM WAS SLEEPING! Regardless, BM kept F there so he could pay 1/2 the mortgage. SD tried living there but found she couldn't. Claims she couldn't stand looking at him and he was being mean to her because she came clean and told BM what they were doing. But she doesn't like living with us because we have rules. Whatever.
One night her and I got in a fight. We were both standing in the kitchen yelling. She calmly walked up to me and grabbed my throat. Thankfully DH was there to pull her off because I was not about to hit her back. All he said to her was "You are not to be the agressor. What is wrong with you?" (yes, that's all he said) She moved out to her grandma's. I felt bad and a couple days later I called her to tell her we need to work it out. She moved back in with us. She told me that night she left she was going to let my dog go. WHAT???
She continued to visit her grandma every day after work. Would come home at 9, go to bed, get up, go to work, visit her grandma, etc. Her grandma is a very bad influence and she hates me because I have her ex-SIL. So DH confronted SD after about a week and asked her why she didn't move back with her grandma if she wants to spend so much time with her. DH did all the talking. I didn't say a peep. SD said she has a deep hatred for my actions and has ever since we got married. She said lots more too. That's all I had to hear. I told her to get out of my house.
She came back the next night to get her stuff. I calmly asked her why she said those things. I was actually going to give her another chance. She said "Because I meant them"-in a calm serial killer voice. Just to let you know too, her grandma said she couldn't move back in with her because it was too stressful. Now she's back at BM's with the pedophile.
DH has talked to her on the phone and told her she needs to make this right. She refuses. She said that I am not really family anyway so she doesn't have to care about me.
Here's the hard part. When DH talks to her it's like they're back to normal and buddy-buddy again. I feel really betrayed. I told him if anyone treated you like that I would have a hard time associated with them. I know it's his kid but she never has any repercussions for her actions. I am so sick of it. He said he wants to try and help her and the only way to do that is to be a good influence in her life. I told him if he does this I'm not sure I can handle it. The only thing we fight about is SD. What should I do? Am I overreacting?
uh...NO
no overreaction there. shes got some anger issues that need to be addressed. that is NOT acceptable for her toput her hands at ur throat and say horrible things to u...and DH didnt really even reprimand her?? no, u are not out of line...u are in a horrible position and have every rite to feel betrayed and be scared bc of what she might do. helping her by being a good influence in her life does NOT mean letting these actions go unnoticed. he needs to stand up to her and be firm if he REALLY is interested in helping her. if hes interested in doing nothing but sitting back while she terrorizes people he loves, then absolutely he is on the rite track.
i would sit down and talk to him again and tell him how violated and threatened u feel by her actions and words. and tell him if he doesnt do something, he is putting u in a bad position...bc we dont want anything to happen to u and i doubt he wants that on his shoulders.
hugs to u...stay away from her and him if he wont stand up for u. im so sorry u are going thru this.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
You are NOT overreating
She put her hands on you. She potentially threatened to do something mean to your dog. She makes no apologies for hating you and having severe anger issues toward you.
She is clearly not interested in making things right in this relationship.
Yet your DH is fine with all of this? He is fine with her disrespecting his wife in such a horrible way?
Ummmm....NO. I don't think so. If DH is going along thinking that everything is hunk-dorey between the two of them, he is sending a CLEAR message to YOU...
you don't matter in this realtionship.
Yet ANOTHER one of these clueless bastards who is callously throwing his wife to the wayside when his "Little Princess" comes calling.
What the hell is wrong with these men???
(Sorry, Rags)
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I know....
This is what I keep telling him...that I feel betrayed and hurt by what he is doing. His response is he wants her to make it right, he wants her to feel remorse for what she has done, he wants to be an influential part of her life. He also said how dare I expect him not to have a relationship with his daughter.
I told him I don't expect him NEVER to talk to her again. I just think he should give it time and let her realize what she did. I don't want her to apologize to me because he told her to.
I think he thinks she has already had ramifications for her actions. I kicked her out of the house and I dropped her from my health insurance. That wasn't ramifications for her actions, that was me disengaging. That was me done with this.
Ugh..it's so frustrating. I thought once she turned 18 everything would be fine. CS would be done, etc. It's only gotten worse. EVERY DAY IT'S SOMETHING NEW!
Thanks everyone.
Oh my dear - I just sent you
Oh my dear - I just sent you a PM telling you my story - we have so much in common....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
She put her hands around your throat?
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and all he did was tell her she was not to be the agressor? Your husband and his daughter are the ones who are out of line...waaay
out of line. Threatened to let your dog loose? Ummm, who does she think she is?
She is not a child. 18 is a young adult-and this behavior,this hatred is unacceptable. She would not be sleeping under my roof again-and if H didn't agree, neither would he. Unless, of course, you can't make it on your own. Even if that's the case, she should no way be back.
As for her mom's F, this is no little child who was molested. I had my first child when I was only a year older than your sd. I was a young adult. So is she. She is hiding behind childhood, and your H is letting her.
Don't worry, she will never
Don't worry, she will never sleep under my roof again. DH knows this and agrees. He has plans with her tomorrow night. I could tell him until I'm blue in the face how much this hurts me but he won't listen. He says he has to do what he has to do.
We just got in a fight and I told him if he sees her tomorrow night we're through. Of course, he just laughed. I am so sick of this! He claims he's going to tell her she has to make this right or he can't visit with her anymore. Yeah, he's going to tell her over dinner and probably dessert.
No, I can make it on my own. I did it most of my life. That's not an issue at all...thankfully.
Um, she's 18, she's an
Um, she's 18, she's an adult. So if your husband won't do anything about it, then let him know that the next time she threatens you or lays a hand on you the police will be called. It's called ASSAULT, and if he won't hold her accountable, the law will.
Good Luck.
My grown stepdaughters (30
My grown stepdaughters (30 and 32) have never actually laid a hand on me, but they have talked about me like a dog behind my back, try to get their DADDY to sign legal forms to his assets behind my back, had BM in my house while I was at work, etc. all kinds of fun things. And unfortunately, I have the same problem. DADDY will never stand up to them and it is always my problem - I am jealous of them so he says. I am appalled at how many stories on here are like mine and yours - grown men will not stand up to adult daughters.
FaithL, welcome to Adult SD HELL!
my adult SDs (29, 28, 25) have undermined me for
five years despite all attempts I have ever made to
be nice to them. I am BURNT OUT and I have no interest in being their "friend" or hanging out with
them.
And, I get the same thing. I am "jealous" of them.
No, I am sick of the TRICKERY....I really thought that when I married my H, that he and I would be
planning a future for US; not for the FIVE OF US.
I am really close to getting out, too. I know this
will be an issue down the road because, as much as
he wants us to be "pals", I have no intention of
being "friends" with his obnoxious, classless,
nasty witches. Ergo, I just don't see our marriage
really "working out", ever.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
SD HELL
KittyKat, I understand you completely. There comes a point where, after numerous attempts at being nice, cordial, welcoming, you just throw your arms up at the repeated rebuffs from SDs. I too am dealing with a SD20 who, no matter what I've done in the past to be welcoming, just rejects any attempts I've made. And I threw in the towel a few months ago. There comes a point where you just make a fool of yourself tripping over your own feet to accommodate them, and I'm no fool. Some SDs just aren't receptive, no matter what you do.
Faith, you are living proof
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
you are living proof that it will never change. And I don't want to still be on here in 10 years, venting about the garbage these fawning fathers dump on us, supposedly their wives. Think I'd be locked up in asylum if I tried.
Over the line
The moment SD physically assaulted you, she went over the line. She has warned you, and shown you what she is capable of. So you know what to expect while she is allowed into your life.
What would your DH do if he walked in while you wer being assaulted by a stranger? Shrugged it off? Taken the stranger to dinner? Why is the sanity thrown out the window when it's a family member assualting you? Like that's somehow OK!
I wouldn't let that bitch back into my home --EVER--and if she did anything to make good on her threats, I'd get the police involved immediately. Forget DH. This is YOU being threatened and assuslted by another adult.
As for DH--expect that he will try to explain away SDs assault on you, and make it your fault. He'll want "everyone to get along" again and urge you to "give SD another chance." The assault will be framed as a "little mistake" because she's "just a kid" and you will be asked to "be the bigger person here."
ASSAULT is ASSAULT. Period. You don't need to put up with an abuser, or a husband who thinks it's OK that his wife was victimized in her own home.
rock and a hard place
I agree with all my friends, he seems to be putting your feelings aside in order to do what he has to do well how does that not include you??
MEN-sorry Rags!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Wow...........
This is exactly my problem as well. The only real difference is the SD beat the tar out of me and then I was the one investigated by cops and social workers.
Your DH could be mine! There are phrases popping up in this thread that are verbatim what my hubby says. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My personal favourite is when he says he feels bad because of their crazy BPD BM and has to take that into consideration for their actions. Oh yeah......... an excuse for everything.
One thing I do do is stand my ground. I do not see his kids, they do not come to my house, they do not touch my stuff. He has invited me to their special events and I have refused as I want to "respect their choices" ie. not to like me or be around me. I just tell him they do not like me and I am not going to get in their faces. He hates going alone so I told him, take one of your other kids. He respects my disengagement and believes I am justified. I will not expose myself to any further abuse of any sort.
This is the first year we have had to deal with the Xmas deal. Since my hubby is taking some actions in this matter (not enough or good enough though), I have decided to let him have the whole house Christmas eve to do his thing with the kids overnight. I will be at my mother's getting wasted with my mom, sister and various friends. My kids go to thier father's every Xmas eve so its a natural option.
Lets see the little b**tches try and say I denied them Xmas with their dad. Have a good one I say, I just don't want to hear about it.
We all smile in the same language
OMG!
D - I'm so sorry. She is 18 and not a kid. I'm suprised to didn't knock her ass to the floor. AND you were nice enough to call her to try to work things out? In my book you are a SAINT for doing that. You should tell your DH that of course you expect him to have a relationship with his daughter but you are his wife and that he needs to put his foot down and tell her he is angry with her, what she did was absolutely wrong and in no way acceptable EVER and until you make amends with my wife - who has been nothing but good to you and supportive - that you are not welcome in our home until then and I don't have much to say to you until you make things right. Tell him would you have let any other person put their hands on me like that and you would have done nothing and still talk to that person. I bet his answer would be no. Can you find a counselor to go work this issue through with? Good luck and I'm so sorry this happened to you. AND she threatened your dog! That really made me angry. What a psycho!!!
I don't think she's just got
I don't think she's just got "anger issues". From what you described, this girl sounds like a bonafide sociopath and I wouldn't want, or accept an apology from her. I wouldn't want her to make amends because I wouldn't want her or your husband to imagine for a single second that what she did could ever be forgiven, so neither one would ever even attempt to get you to agree to allow her anywhere near you, your home, your marriage, or your life.
Sociopaths have no conscience, no sense of right and wrong, and absolutely no empathy for their fellow human beings. Give her some time to realize what she did to you was wrong? Yeah, right. If she is a sociopath, there's no help, no treatment, and they never, ever get better. If she apologized it would not be out of genuine remorse, regret or even because she cares about her father. Sociopaths and psychopaths don't care about anyone but themselves, so if she apologized, it would only because it happened to suit her own secret personal agenda--and I'd be very afraid of just what that might be.
It's only the people you allow in your life who have the power to harm you, not the ones you keep out. If she already hates you, let her hate you from a distance. Do you really want someone who acts like a serial murderer to apologize so she can con you into allowing her back inside your house, where she can steal your money, distroy your possessions, poisen your food or kill your dog? For me, there aren't enough locks in the world to put on my bedroom door that could ever get me to sleep under the same roof with her again.
I know you may not feel it was sufficient, but kicking her out of your house actually WAS the price you made her pay for her actions. I don't think your husband did anywhere near enough, but he did back your decision to kick her out. In her sick twisted mind, she probably felt her actions were so justified, her hatred so righteous, her arguments against you so compelling, she probably still can't believe that daddy didn't kick you out instead. That's probably what she expected, so she didn't really get "her way".
I can see why he wants to help her and feels the way to do that is by being a positive influence in her life, because that's normally a good way to help troubled teens who quite often, eventually grow out of it. If she wasn't his daughter, he'd probably see that she's way too far gone for any hope of redemption, but the view is always clearer from the outside looking in.
You know though, if she gets you and your husband to fight about her to the point of destroying your marriage--she wins! You're in a really bad position and wish there was something more I could do to help.
Take care,
Well in my situation..................
It was my step-mum who started on me. We were in their bedroom talking and instead of saying my name she would refer to me as PEOPLE. She made a comment there are too many people in the bedroom even went my half-brother was in. You knew it was me she was talking about. So anyone this day I was there chatting to my dad etc and she said and this time I think I said something to her and she turned round and said she will kill me. So I lost it and said go on then and she went for me and yes I hit her with a bedside lamp. My dad pulled me off her as I think I would of killed her.
If she was in the wrong she would never apologise so I never apologise either. After the fight I know she was sore and she made a comment that she would not tell my step-brother. Think it was kind of a threat kind of saying I am lucky she not going to tell him.
Until this day I don't know if he knew what happened. My half-brother heard her say she would kill me and think he saw the fight.
We are fine towards each other now but when I first moved in things were up and down.We gradually got close and now we are great towards each other. Infact yesterday she rang with telling me a letter arrived and surprised myself asking her to open it. To my horror she told me that it was really important regarding my bank. So was glad of her help with this and told my dad. I was grateful.
I know now physically hitting your step-mum was not good and I regret it but if you knew the situation you would see it was her aswell. Things get worse to get better and sometimes if you feel that she will never like you or you will never like then just be civil that the only thing you can do.
Your sd sounds like she got serious anger issues and needs help. I always try to be nice to my step-mum but it's when you realise that she was pretending and her true colours eventually came through. I however have back right off and looked at the bigger realise my mistake and now glad we get on.
Yes she was..............
Very jealous because she only had boys with my dad.
Lots I could go into but wont.