I married my husband when my SD was 4. She has only known us as married, although she has a close (perhaps too close and catering) relationship with her mother. I always wanted to live in another state, but knew when I decided to love this man with a minor child, that it was out of the question. I put it out of my mind. In the meanwhile, I did my best to raise SD as my own, potty training her in the early years, reminding her father how to treat a girl, in her teenager years, indulging her (throwing a $4K sweet sixteen party), yet letting her know that when she acted out against her mother (which is totally normal in the teenager girl years), it was not acceptable in our house - I would even make her pick up the phone and apologize to her mother. A model step-parent. Except, I screwed up.

I bent over backwards so much trying to be the perfect peacemaker, that she got spoiled, not just by me but also her over indulgent parents, who would then tell me to butt out and that I didn't understand as I was not a REAL parent.

Now, I have two little ones - 6 and 2 - and they have chores, they have to pick up their toys, earn their allowance, yet they are loved, loved, loved with humor and fun. The SD is now 20 and in college. She never came home to visit and rarely called. We felt like just a checkbook: car, cell phone, college tuition, apartment, health insurance, college fund, you get the idea. Now, she is all upset because my hsuband (not me) instigated our move out of state. She feels abandoned. She does not even talk to me. She never calls. When I go to visit our old hometown, she is too busy to see me (but not her father, of course).

It's not just me. Her biological grandparents and her stepgrandparents have all written her off as spoiled and ungrateful. If they send her birthday presents or money, she does not even have the decency to pick up the phone and call and thank them. I was not in charge (but perhaps should have been) of instilling a certain amount of humility. When I tried, I was told I was the evil stepparent and to stay out of it. Now, we are 1000 miles away (perhaps thankkfully) and she does not call, write and visited 1 time over the last year. Yet, SHE feels abandoned and has to see a therapist so she can get her bottled up feelings out.

I feel sad for her, because she will never appreciate the sacrifices we all made for her when she was growing up, ones we made cheerfully, and most of all, fraokly, me who was only 23 and had to wait 12 years to have kids as everyone else was so concerned about raising her. Now I have my little ones and they love me unconditionally and gratefully. Did I go wrong? Did I go right? Should I feel bitter or just relieved that I no longer have this sometimes charming, sometimes parasitical force in our lives on a daily basis? Makes me feel guilty and thankful at the same time. I am incredibly ocnflicted, yet somehow at peace. Does anyone get that?

Comments welcome.

I could use some mental health counseling as to it being, I suppose, okay to feel, incredibly conflicted on how this has turned out. . . .