College Expenses

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Hello,

I am new to this forum and thankful to have found it. It has been a tough summer. I am a stepmother to a now 18 year old girl, who is very bright and a excellent student. My husband is the NCP. She is going off to college in a few weeks, child support ended and she has scholarships that exceeds her COA (by several thousand). Feeling very blessed until recently. She recently asked for more money from my husband to cover living expenses(entertainment and luxuries) and possibly savings for Grad school. Mind you she has no idea what she wants to do to make a living and we are talking Grad school.

I feel her budget is excessive and contains some indulgent items that I don't indulge in for myself. I don't think she "needs" any additional money with her scholarships.

My husbands divorce was in Fl and the agreement says he and ex will split the college expenses based on income, but not sure how it would be handled with scholarships that cover this and more.

Not sure what to do. Any thoughts? We have been overpaying child support for many years for reasons i do not understand other than my husbands guilt and feel like now is the time to focus on saving for our retirement and do not want to pay for unneeded things and to send her money now to go into a bank account for who knows what is beyond the requirement in the agreement, at least as I see it.

Thanks...Amy

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Agree... Sounds like dad is a

Agree... Sounds like dad is a guilty dad and he will probably hand over some more money and SD will never learn to work for anything. Thus putting another lazy entitled kid into the adult pool of life.

don't forget that COAs often

don't forget that COAs often include non school related things....

Here is the COA for the Ross Business School at The University of Michigan - fall semester, winter, total

Estimated cost to attend U-M

(www.finaid.umich.edu/Cost):

• Tuition & Fees based upon: Michigan Resident $9,629 $9,629 $19,258

• Housing Costs (either on-campus or off-campus) $5,436 $5,436 $10,872

• Other Costs (books, supplies, personal expenses) $1,751 $1,751 $3,502

TOTAL COST $16,816 $16,816 $33,632

right and kid could live at

right and kid could live at home.

there is not a god given right to live in a dorm.

AND BECAUSE HER COA IS LESS THAN HER APPARENT AWARD THERE ARE NO EXPENSES

that is my point. we don't

that is my point. we don't know.

YOU just assume.

again, you know nothing, and

again, you know nothing, and yet you are making assumptions as though your word is biblical.

Let's say the kid gets a scholarship for grades. A local service organization awards a scholarship that kid applied for and was selected to receive. Let's say the state has a program that awards NON LOAN funds.

Mom's place of employment? Dad's place of employment? It's entirely possible.

Uh - of course I do....that's

Uh - of course I do....that's why I posted this. COA includes just about everything, including travel related expenses.

I have no idea why you made your comment. It makes no sense in light of mine.

She's 18, CS has ended, her

She's 18, CS has ended, her college is paid for - your husbands obligations are fulfilled. If she wants "entertainment and luxuries" she needs to get a job and pay for them herself.

"Per OP -- the agreement says

"Per OP -- the agreement says he and ex will split the college expenses based on income"

YUP and since there will be no cost, in fact there will be some kind of excess coming back to skid, there are NO EXPENSES.

Are you deliberately obtuse??

and as I have said, just

and as I have said, just because you have no experience or different experience doesn't mean something isn't true.

But we're not talking about

But we're not talking about college expenses. We're talking about extras and luxuries. Where are you getting books and other fees? Last time I checked, luxuries and extras are not college expenses! What part of that are you not getting?

SD needs to get a job so she

SD needs to get a job so she can buy herself entertainment and luxuries.

If she wants "extras" then

If she wants "extras" then she needs to work for them. The grocery card is a great idea.

And Grad School? Get a good job after graduation and let them pay for most of it. I'm not paying for that.
That's my advice to my son.

I agree with not giving her

I agree with not giving her money to "save for grad school" if your husband wants to set up a savings account to help her, that is up to him/you to decide how that works with your household budget. If she was such a good student that she got a free undergrad ride, it's quite possible she may do the same for Grad school so I don't think you need to hand over money for something she may not ever need.

As far as the current "financial needs". I guess it really depends on a lot of things. How rigorous is her course load? Does she do any kind of work for the school that would limit her time that she could hold down a job? Does she have transportation that she could use to get to a job? What is YOUR household financial health.. ie can DH afford to help her?

If he does want to help her in some way, I think he needs to sit down with her and go over her full financial budget. What she takes in vs what she needs to spend out. What does she think she needs the money for and what is a reasonable spending level and how much of it is it reasonable to expect her to contribute through working.

Maybe the solution is a prepaid card that is for X amount for groceries and some smaller stipend for other things. This is of course, if it is financially possible for him to help her. You do NOT go into debt so she can shop at Victoria Secret!

I worked while attending university but my parents could afford to assist in some basic expenses. I don't think it's wrong, but you certainly don't need to support her in a style that you yourselves are not living.

One of my best friends- super

One of my best friends- super rich. Her parents paid for college and this really nice town house, living expenses, everything she needed and some wants and she still got a job to cover the rest of her wants (beer and expensive clothing).

Even though she didn't have to, it never crossed her mind to not work. I really admire her for that. Kids nowadays would totally take advantage of it.

Asshat = super rich. He and

Asshat = super rich. He and I believe that the kid should have some skin in the game. We have ALWAYS required our kids to contribute to their own education.

How they accomplish that is up to them.

that was the ONLY thing we

that was the ONLY thing we EVER agreed about post-divorce.

I paid my own way through college by singing and tending bar. Asshat's parents paid for his out of state tuition and he paid for everything else.

Why doesn't he offer her an

Why doesn't he offer her an allowance of some type? (this is likely cheaper than court costs to defend giving her nothing)

Nowadays, grad school is a common assumption -- but I think that he can simply respond we will cross that road when we get to it.

And, unless medical and few other professions, many grad programs want you work for a few years before applying. And in phd type programs, there are often fully funded ones.

I would suggest that your husband offer an allowance and go from there.

I realize that in your world,

I realize that in your world, if you haven't seen it or don't believe it, it can't possibly be true, but it's not hard.

Many kids get funds in excess of COA - including 2 of my 3.

Plenty of kids get aid

Plenty of kids get aid (including loans) in excess of COA. That's how they end up with big fat refund checks each semester.

Ex's son got a refund each semester. He attended a CUNY (cheap) and received Pell, TAP, Work study, and loans. He purchased a car,weed, a truck, weed, clothes,weed, Apple products,weed.....before dropping out because his grades were so low, he was no longer eligible for financial aid.

Now, he doesn't have any of the stuff he purchased and he doesn't have a degree. All he has are those student loan payments.

Why is that strange? I have

Why is that strange? I have already received tuition bills for both Michigan and Michigan State.

what is your point???

hey HR - I just got both

hey HR - I just got both financial aid award notices last week.

What's your point again??

Oh, that's right.

yep - that's me.

yep - that's me. Irresposible as f*ck.

Snorty..

but there is no cost, as the

but there is no cost, as the OP stated above.

No cost = nothing to pay = no money from mom or dad

and which part of this - "

and which part of this - " She is going off to college in a few weeks, child support ended and she has scholarships that exceeds her COA (by several thousand)" - is unclear?

It's not like COA is a term that fluctuates. COA is the cost of EVERYTHING to attend.

Come on, you can do it, you can say you were wrong.

When I hear that an 18 year

When I hear that an 18 year old is going off to college, I just assume they are living on campus and have a meal plan. A day that COA covers everything except books,personal items and entertainment.

Since the kid has all of the basics covered, then dad is free to contribute what he wants.

And some schools have limited

And some schools have limited food availability. My youngest's college did. A serious problem for the athletes (in particular), if practices or games ended after the food hall closed (weekends were also problematic - one meal served per day, and they were not allowed to remove any food). And no, a stash of ramen doesn't cut it.

What *I* did with both of mine was give them a start-up fund when they first went. In case they realized they'd forgotten something necessary, had an unanticipated need, etc. Yes, some for entertainment. I asked them to keep track of what they spent where/how, and we sat down at the end of the first few weeks to see what was reasonable.

Both got decent funding, which did include work-study, but there was still a shortfall. And no, there was no contribution from the other parent (after all, why would a university professor want heir kids to go to college?).

I would say it's time for the

I would say it's time for the SD to start pitching into her own care and expenses. I am in the same boat as you. Two skids over 18 who are still asking us for stuff all the time...also overpaid CS for years. I was looking forward to getting a break already!

Well, OP states that she

Well, OP states that she thinks the girl's budget is "excessive" which makes me think the kid has come to them with a list of her "needs" for college. Wasn't it on this forum that another stepmom shared her adult SD's "budget" of expenses for living overseas for one year...that included things like $500 a month for transportation in London? Asked her dad for something like $1000 every month? I wish I had bookmarked that, because it was such fun to read.

Wondering if this is a similar situation. OP...has the SD submitted a budget for consideration or is she speaking in general terms. What about the budget feels excessive?

I know plenty of parents who contribute to their kids' college expenses and plenty more who do not. It should be a parent's choice how / when / what they contribute based on what they are able to do without harming their own retirement and their other kids. Only when a man is divorced is it ever court-ordered that he pay...and I find that absurd.

True. The OP may be

True. The OP may be thoroughly unreasonable and think that anything over a quarter is indulgent. Maybe she feeds her SD scraps of bread and lukewarm water when she comes over while also making her do all the chores and never letting her do normal teenage things like go out with friends or watch TV because she's too busy scrubbing the family toilets with a toothbrush.

Or...maybe she knows her own budget and her own household needs better than you do...and knows what is excessive for them in comparison to what they make...

Kids are entitled these days

Kids are entitled these days and their expectations are often excessive. I teach college and see it first hand...in addition to seeing it with my skids. They expect a lot and generally don't appreciate it when they get it...meanwhile their parents are taking out loans, getting second jobs, delaying retirement. If you want to do that for your own kid, fine. Don't expect stepmom to sign up for that nonsense.

http://time.com/money/4438735/college-costs-who-pays-kids-parents/

You say that a lot on these

You say that a lot on these forums but don't have anything to prove that's actually true. You shared one study on another blog saying that intact families spend more on college expenses than divorced families...but later in the same study it states that they DID NOT include NCP contributions in their calculations. WTF. That's not a fair comparison, two parents in the intact family vs. one parent in the divorced family? Of course it's going to skew toward intact families.

Maybe. That's one study from

Maybe. That's one study from 1993. There are quite a few studies that show that CODs get more financial aid because only one parent (usually the mom) is required to put income on the FAFSA. So perhaps they're getting less support from parents because they're qualifying for more help...

Lol. And I'd like to see

Lol. And I'd like to see yours. A footnote in a longer paper that cites one sound bite/statistic from one study that's 25 years old does not even begin to prove your point. We don't know the context of that statistic at all...what was considered as "support" in that particular study. Perhaps, like the other study you shared, they were only considering CP contributions. Who knows?

Anyway, what I'm saying above is that the way the FAFSA is structured, CODs can easily look like they are much lower income than they are since just the CP files, thus resulting in more aid.

The thing that stands out to

The thing that stands out to me is "possible savings for grad school". On what planet do you give a kid, who is just starting college, money for possible savings for grad school. It's possible she won't attend grad school. There is no way I'd give possible grad school money.

If CS is ended and parents, in the divorce agreement, agreed to split college expenses, I'd want to see the actual bill so I could send my check, for my part, directly to the provider. (Or the receipt if it is already been paid and SD or BM is to get the money)
And as for the college expenses I'd want to list them now. Some things are necessary and others are luxuries. I would think that using a list like that on (https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/prepare-for-college/choosing-schools/consid...)
would be helpful.

Before you cut her off completely, or pay on demand, consult with a lawyer about what the actual law is. You may end up paying more or less than you think. But you will know exactly what you are legally obligated for and what you are not. You can always gift for birthdays and holidays extra if you wish. Paying once for something you are not legally obligated may turn it into a legal obligation in some places.

Ugh, HRNYC, I don't

Ugh, HRNYC, I don't understand you at all. 90% of this blog is people responding to you because you 'don't believe' the OP and make up other stuff to talk about instead.

Why!!!???!!!

What I don't get is how HRNYC

What I don't get is how HRNYC is missing this (direct quote from OP):

She recently asked for more money from my husband to cover living expenses(entertainment and luxuries) and possibly savings for Grad school.

She is asking or money for ENTERTAINMENT AND LUXURIES! Is that not what that says? What part of that can be misinterpreted to mean something else like books or housing? What am I missing? And just because one has "never heard of" scholarships exceeding the COA, doesn't mean it's not true. I'm failing to see how one person is the end-all, be-all for such a matter. But regardless, say the scholarship paid EXACTLY the COA and not a penny more (is that more believable to you HRNYC?) the dad would still not be responsible for any expenses because they're paid! No parent is obligated, legally or otherwise, to pay for their adult child's coffees, dates, manicures, etc. Adult children should get jobs to pay for such things that aren't necessities in life.

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