You are here

It could be worse but I am still Angry

skidpeace's picture

My stepdaughters are actually pretty nice girls. What I am angry about this time has to do with his girls never making time for their father. Fathers Day last year the girls came over and my husband was trying to make dinner and they basically told him they couldn't stay long because they had to help their mother have a picnic for their stepfather. So on Fathers Day my husband ran around rushing to make them dinner so they wouldn't be late for their stepfather's picnic. My husband was crushed. I was furious. I mentioned it to my stepdaughter when I couldn't stand it any longer. I was nice but mentioned that they hurt their father terribly and that was not a very nice tribute to him, She cried like a baby. We all talked about it with a lecture from her to her father about not holding back what is upsetting him. Fast forward to this year. She called to ask what his plans are for Fathers Day and she tells him that once again she has to go to this picnic for her Stepfather. My husband did say something and she said yes there was some problem last year wasn't there and my husband said yes you barely spent any time with me because you had to help your mom with moms boyfreind's picnic. She said they will work something out. Their birth mother is very controlling of these 22 year old girls yet they call Daddy for money because "mom doesn't have any" ( of the horribly generous settlement she strong armed). Of course DH never told the girls how much money their mother got so they think she is barely scraping by...poor mommy. My husband is so forlorn. He has allowed his ex to dominate the girls because he has an estranged relationship with his first daughter with another woman. They are mending the fences now but hadn't spoken in years which she admits to me had a lot to do with the BM of the twins. The girls are going to school entirely on their fathers dime both have brand new cars and barely make anytime for him. They do not even see his parents that are in their eighties. It is awful how dominated they are by the BM especially since she and her family are mentally unstable. I am so angry at this one twin. The other twin will not be here for Fathers Day and that is an even more upsetting situation. I want to give them a good talking too but I can't do anything can I? What makes me even more angry was they used me as the reason they did that to their father last year. They said because they share Mothers Day with me they have to share it with moms boyfriend too (they aren't even married). Truth is I only ever saw the girls one time on Mothers Day and it was for less then an hour. The other times they said they were coming over and never showed. I thought we had a pretty good relationship but I am so angry about the way they only call when they want and have no consideration for him or his feelings. I am angry at him for allowing them to treat him like that. I have just been withdrawing from them. I do not know what else I can do.

sammigirl's picture

This is the only way to handle it. You nailed it StepAside. This is what I do and it is much more peaceful for DH and myself. Happy "holidays" again!!!!!

sandye21's picture

I agree with SA. This is what I do for DH. I have never seen a card or known SD to contact DH in any way on Father's Day since I've been married to him. There have been a few times on Father's Day that he has been a bit down. I just smile, be kind, and make a big deal out of the day by making a special dinner and giving him cards from the dogs. He seems to appreciate it.

Hope you aren't contributing to the skids education out of your pocket. Once they are out of school, make sure DH is contributing more to his retirement than to the skids.

skidpeace's picture

Echo my husband wanted to cook on Fathers Day. I always try to spoil my husband on Fathers' Day, he just loves to cook. He says it helps him relax so I let him do what he likes. I knew how that sounded but is not fair to make assumptions like that without knowing my sweet hubby. I wanted to do something special but he wanted to stay home as to him that is special so it is his day his wish.

I tried to avoid the situation by doing exactly what KISS suggested. I wanted to make plans so he would not be sitting around doing nothing but again my husband just wants a picnic at home. Me I would be at the beach or somewhere else but he wants to be home. He works a lot, hates golf, wont gamble and just likes to be home in our garden.

Stepdaughter said she wanted to split the day with ex and DH and that usually means an hour or two with Dad and the rest of the day helping mom get ready for stepdad.

As for the money when they divorced his ex made him put money in an account for the girls college that she controls and gets to keep if it isn't all used. We bought them both new cars since they were both going off to college and he gives them some money in their account to help with living expenses. Even though he is paying for everything already including their car insurance they still only come to him when they need money.
I don't think he should give them any more but he did promise to help them through college so I don't know if he should stop giving the weekly stipend and paying for the car insurance until they graduate. If it were my kids I would not tolerate the behavior so that is why I am here to vent about something I cannot change.

They both chose terribly expensive schools and will probably not have enough money to finish and that is when the BM has to finally contribute so she controls the college fund tightly telling them to ask hubby for more money to which we reply "that is what your college fund is for to help you through college". Yet when This SD had a problem with a suicidal/cutting/severely depressed roommate hubby bailed her out of her lease due to concerns for her safety again BM had no money.

The estranged daughter was an entirely different story I suspect a lot of the issues was my hubby just being too young when she was born but my understanding is her BM took off with her and he couldn't find them until she was eight and then she needed money so she got in touch with him. He flew her to his house every summer and took her on trips but they had a falling out when she was a teenager. That is all hearsay but even hubby's ex defended hubby about her and just said she was always a miserable child and hubby really did try. They are repairing their relationship finally since we got engaged four years ago. She came to our wedding and we flew out to see her a month ago and she is coming to see us in August.

Hubby came home from work and was the one who told me his daughter was splitting the holiday with her stepfather. I just said I am sorry honey I know that makes you sad. He knows it angers me but he looked so dejected I just couldn't say anymore.

sammigirl's picture

As "StepAside" posted; just make a nice day for your DH and create as little drama as possible for any "holidays" coming up. Holidays always seem to bring out the worst in families.

My DH sometimes plays this "rejected" game to get me to step in; never will I do that again. My SD56 and SGD31 play these drama games. It almost cost a divorce in our home, because I tried to keep the peace; their problem now, not mine. If DH starts this, I just pat him on the shoulder and walk away as if "I don't want to hear it dear".

Since I've let it all go, it's peaceful.

Have a nice Father's Day Dad.

skidpeace's picture

HeavenLike that is a great idea but it just seems everyone is too busy to make it happen. I do like the way you think. I had the same idea for Christmas time we just could not make it happen with everyone's schedules. I did make a lot of opportunities for the girls to come over but have just been disillusioned since the last Father's Day. You can probably guess there are many other issues then just this one.

You have described the situation perfectly Mommy will always win. I think I will just grin and bear it and hope he closes the wallet after graduation. I am also afraid if he does he will never see them. Oh but then again.....

notasm3's picture

I just bought my DH a new BBQ grill for Father's Day. We have a Big Green Egg (but the small one), a big green egg imitation that is larger, a fire pit that DH uses to grill sometimes, and an electric grill for indoors.

The new one is propane and is portable. Guess what - the new propane one is really for me when I don't want to wait on DH to get the coals ready when all I want is a grilled hot dog.

SS30 will do nothing. As he is now a father this year he will probably expect the world to recognize his great "sperm donation".

I so want to send SS a card congratulating him on his "dick dribble" - but I won't as that would be over the top on my part.

skidpeace's picture

SD called last night. She now has to work the entire weekend. Says she wants to get together soon to celebrate Fathers Day. Could be a good thing. Hubby said "At least she didn't dump me for her moms boyfriend again". This is the daughter I have the most hope for. My husband feels better and we may actually go to the beach after all. His father will be away on Fathers Day and my father is passed. It will just be the two of us so the decision is his.

Thank you for all of your insights. These are muddy waters for me. I have read that after you marry the problems start and that seems true. These girls were sweet as kittens during our five year courtship. We will be married two years next month and what a sad difference.

skidpeace's picture

Notasm such a shame your stepson suddenly thinks he is an amazing individual for creating life yet he cannot recognize the accomplishments of his own father. It is so darn frustrating. It is poetic though that his child will learn how to treat his own father by watching the way this POS treats his dad.

Enjoy hubby's new grill.

StepMom15thYear's picture

Do nothing. If they want to make time for their dad, they will. If they don't, have fun without them.