SD text to dad
My SD sent this to my husband when he told her he was hurt she wasnt coming for the holiday because he is always last. ( except for money). Classic reaction: blaming him for not visiting her in college. I reminded her we bought her a car because her dad was working a lot. I know I need to let him deal with her from now on. She is 28 years old. Her sister is her twin, the author of the text got a lot more from DH because the sister gave the author her college money. I am guessing this is normal for manipulative SD's. I really thought she would mature. Curious to know what you think of this from a 28 year old?
I need to say this... I'm not mad, I just need to share. Please just read. You don't need to agree I just need to know you'll think about what I'm saying. Please don't call me back- just read and hopefully you will understand why I don't want you to. I get upset and cry despite being an adult because I feel like you have never truly listened to Morgan and I. Growing up we just wanted you to listen to what we thought and felt and value it. But you didn't, not to the level that we needed. At least me. I always felt that you preferred Morgan and listening to her thoughts and ideas over me. You were there and provided for us and loved us so so much but I have never really felt like you made the effort to understand me. Thats whats so hard about communicating. That's why I have such a complex about talking to you about things- and why I just get upset Because there is this distance between us that I can't get through before the conversation starts to fall apart. And now that I'm an adult and starting to finally voice my opinions and stick up for myself and what I feel it's getting worse. That's partly why ***** coming in to back you up gets to me so much- you ask me to give her some respect but growing up with all the drama with the divorce and having to deal with her backing you up then, and how messy that got, it's like i lost you. You didn't lose us we lost you. Like she took you from us. We struggled to communicate before you and mom split- and once I was old enough for us to try to talk about it all I couldn't voice how I felt without you guys getting mad at me and her blasting mom- it's hard for me to respect her when her supporting you means you don't stick up for me at all. You speak up for me to respect her and her opinions and support but it feels like you have almost never stick up for me and the validity of my opinions. If you feel like you are losing us that's why. I'm sure this hurts and I'm sorry. I just had to share. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough or together enough or enough of an adult to have this conversation in person. But all of what I'm saying here is why I can't. Hopefully it's more meaningful that i wanted to say it, with the hopes of making things better, rather than not saying anything at all. I will always love you dad, and I will always be grateful for everything you have done for me. But I needed to say this and hopefully you can stop and really consider and think about what I'm saying and why I'm saying it. That's all I ask. Love you.
This seems like it was
This seems like it was written by a hormonal 16 yr old, not an almost 30 yr old.
I agree that some family counseling might help. Many therapist are still doing zoom sessions so it would be easy to coordinate. Maybe that can be your Christmas present to her? Therapy!
In all reality, she is unhappy in her life and like she said- your DH was there for her- he just didn't "understand" her. WELP, that happens! We can love people in our family and want the best for them but not like them. Not like their choices or personality! We can love them despite not understanding them. She grew up loved and supported and being bitter by her parents divorce and her father being remarried at this point is just silly. The fact that she is still refering to you as "her" or "she" is stupid and petty. Therapy is probably the best gift you can give her.
I am also curious about your DH's reaction. I am sure he was gutted and thought he did right by his daughters only to hear that he was just the worst father ever....
"he just didn't "understand"
"he just didn't "understand" her"
LOL Surprise, surprise! I reckon about 95% of all teens could probably say the same thing about their parents (divorced or not) but most of them grow up, get over it, and often realize (when they have children themselves) how much their parents actually DID understand them and did their best.
Honestly that was my first
Honestly that was my first impression. Thank you. I agree with your advive.
Thank you for your reply
After reading your response the text does seem to be benign. I have deeper issues with this girl so I see it as manipulative. It would take forever to explain but I will another time. Basicly my husband thinks she is losing her mind. He thinks she had a psychotic break. Every phone call turns to crying and screaming. It all goes back to her BM. That woman controls the girls. BM violated the college agreement so when we try to explaiin that we dd not owe her more money SD freaked out and accused us of lying. My hubs gave her the money. There are paragraphs more to that but for now...That college should have been worked out by the parents but BM will not. We tried to show sd. in our defense, the agreement, she will not look at it. We can sue but the girls are so brainwashed by mum it would end the relationship he does have. That is where I am accused of blasting mom. Money seems to be this SD's issue although not spelled out here. She is a doctor of pharmacy and is building sand castles she cannot afford. I believe the most recent issue is she wants money for her wedding to a toxic entitled boy with the same type of mother (although ceritifyably mentally unstable and pain pill abuser and entitllement issues). I am really wrestling with having her to my home on Thanksgiving. My hubs will not seperate from me on the holiday. My hubs is afraid to talk to her alone. He is asking her sister to be there. When sd speaks to him alone she bullys him. He does not want to be beat up again. He says this is better then no relationship with her. I appreciate the great advice here. I havent posted in a long time but see how disengagement will be wonderful esp with this one.I forgot about this site when things were worse. If I would have followed the advice here, things would be much better ugh. I have suggested counseling and therapy which I have been doing myself
Reading this.. it sounds like
Reading this.. it sounds like you really need to back away from his relationship with her. He needs to learn to communicate with her.. I don't get the beating up.. does she literally hit him? Would he go to counseling together with her.. (without you).?
By inserting yourself into their communication.. you are just opening yourself up for accusations.. it isn't helping anyway right?
Thank you
ESMOD yes my backing away is necessary now. I am afraid I will really tell her what I think if I do not step away.
in all honesty, this rift
in all honesty, this rift will not heal. she doesn't want to find a solution, she wants him to remain in the bad guy/villain role w/ you as her go-to for drama/mental abuse thrown at her dad.
you both need to step away, and take the wallet with you. she needs to figure herself out and by removing her go-to bad guy, she will have to face herself. her message was dripping in selfpity and blame towards both of you. Were I you, or her dad, my reply back would be:
Daughter, I can see that you would like for us to step back and we will respect your wishes. My hope is that someday we will be able to have a relationship and until then know I love you. I love you enough to take my step back and give you the silence you desire. When we reconnect, it will hopefully be a relationship based less on money and misimagined grudges and more on a father - daughter love. Please know that as I step away, my wallet steps with me as I feel that you only see the value in terms of money and not actual love. I wish you everything good and as I always have, I love you with all of my heart.
Love, Dad.
I hear the same from my SD's
I hear the same thing from my SDs, almost 17 and 19 years old. They want DH to actively choose them over me. I think its the BM and older SD (headcase druggie) who whisper in their ears that "daddy doesn't love you if he isn't verbally abusing his wife for you."
Its sick. Its a sickness. Maybe its children of divorce? My parents divorced and I never felt that my dad didn't love me. He remarried and we showed respect to his new wife, and the women he dated before her. I dont' know where the skids get this idea that to love them, Daddykins can't show love to anyone else? Its just a sick idea that has taken hold in our society.
Heard All of That Before
Late 30's. Even got one at 42 still whining. Considering the BM is the one who left DH, led him on for 6 months and then filed for divorce after her and her adult kids milked him out of almost every penny he had....I'd say their issuse are with themselves and their mother.
I've long sinced learned not to read anything into their BS nor do I take it personally. It's there issues and they need to figure out their lives. Blaming others won't help them. What you can do is completely disengage. Block them all on phone and social media. Bring the relationships to civil and superficial and make yourself scarce when either of them come around. You don't need to tolerate that BS from grown women. Let your DH deal with his daughters.
Typical for failed family spawn who have never been given
clarity on their place.
This supposed "adult" is still juvenile at best and in many ways is infantile.
Pathetic.
Not one reference to thoughts, only fee fees and not feeeeeelig that her feeeeeeelings have been validated by daddy. I fear for the future of our species.
I know it is hard to see
I know it is hard to see someone you love hurting. From her note, (and your prior post).. you have stepped up in the past and voiced things to his kids about their father being hurt.. and perhaps you did in trying to protect him say things about their mom?
Unfortunately, unless you have a particularly close relationship with someone.. that kind of "interference" is usually not well accepted.
It sounds like you got together with your DH when his girls (the twins) were in their mid teens.. with a fairly recent and fresh divorce. They were strongly controlled by their mother who had custody.. so there was always going to be some amount of difficulty in them "bucking" the hand that feeds them (mom.. even if it was with his money). It's also really not unusual for the new spouse to sometimes get the short end of the kid's frustrations at their parent's divorce. Not saying it's fair.. but it happens.. the emotional stakes are not as high. Fortunately.. your DH DID stick up for you and insist on civility.
I don't think her general complaint that her parent didn't "get" her.. is unusual.. it's also sometimes very hard to change a dynamic set when you are young. My brother still hates to go see my dad at his house because it just has bad memories.. my brother is in his 50s. there isn't always an age limit on feeling like you revert to the little kid who has no say in their life.
It's also fairly clear that the kids didn't navigate the mom vs dad loyalty bind they were in well.. they aligned with mom.. who held more control over them.
At this point.. what I would suggest HIM to say is
Dear DD.
I'm sorry that you don't feel we had the connection and relationship that you would have liked when you were a teen. But you are an adult now and if you want to grow more of a connection, I welcome that opportunity. I don't think you would be the first person to feel like their parent did not "get" them.. but now we are both adults.. and can move forward because we cannot go back and change history. I do feel it is unfair to place blame on DW.. who has been good to you and a good partner to me. Obviously, she defended me at times when she felt that I was being hurt too.. and while that may not have been what you wanted to hear.. that does not make the things she said intentionally hurtful or untrue. My door is open and you know my phone number. If you want to try to go to some counseling sessions? I would be happy to take time for you. love daddy
Sometimes
the hurt we feel as adults make us feel/sound like little children. We don't know the full extent of the dynamics/relationships between you, your husband and the steps. Maybe he IS horrible at communicating! That's on him, not you. While we're at it, let him deal with the responses. Why do you feel the need to put your proverbial 2 cents? Sorry, but it sounds like you're interfering. When you jump in with opinions or push back you make yourself a target. Pick your fights and times when you need to jump in. Again, I (and others reading this) don't know the full story. I didn't think her response sounded immature but more heartfelt. Sounds like they both need to sit and talk. If your DH is incapable of properly/deeply communicating with HIS children (mine is horrible at it), he's causing his own problems and you can only do so much. Good luck.
BobbyDazzler
I was wrong in thinking that if they talked that she would see that she was wrong to DEMAND the money from us that her Mother was supposed to pay. We have 5 kids between us with her getting over 200000 more than the other 4. I hoped she would be reasonable. Yes I did make that mistake. I will not again. Interfering perhaps. I suspected she was selfish, I was stunned to see how much she does not care how wrong this is. She and her mother missled us so we paid a lot more than we should. I blame my husband for not insisting on the disclosure that was written into the divorce documents revealing how the money was spent. I had a hard divorce but my ex and I were coparents with none of this bs. We were always able to talk it out. That is impossible here. BM has no qualms using her daughters. My husband is afraid to alienate his daughter. I honestly thought if they talked she would at least see how wrong her actions were. I thought I was helping them. Big mistake! I appreciate your opinion. As you said, you do not know the whole story. This is so much bigger than the convo here. Her mother is now using the girls for money. DH mother took twins out of the will due to the actions of BM. She will not have any of her money go to BM. The girls do not know this but I will tell you. The twins are the only people that do not know what BM did to my DH. No, I have not told them either. I simply referred to the legal agreement regarding the college money to defend ourselves as to why we should not have to pay more. She said we are lying. There it is, impossible. Dad will deal now. Give a damn busted. I am seeing things in new light. I thought all of the forgotten birthdays and "thank yous" were mistakes. silly me
I cannot thank you all enough
I cannot thank you all enough for letting me get this out. Reading your stories is helping me so much. I do not understand this situation at all. As someone elsee stated, I loved my stepmothers. One after they divorced until she died. The other I am in touch with 21 years after my dad passed. I spoke to DH to ask him if he thinks counseling is a good idea for him and his daughters. Using the other twin as a mediator ( the one sd id jealous of) does not seem healthy or fair ( She is trained in conflict resolution and is good at it).
This, 100 percent!
This, 100 percent!
EGADS
The entitlement and victimhood drip from each paragraph/sentence.
Its all about the money. ANYtime-ATM Dad.
I too get blamed for all of skids issues. SD23 Feral Forger sais to anyone that will listen that she is a victim of a broken home and that I "took her dad away"...etc.