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Issues with my hubby and older kids

Bunny_05's picture

Hi......New here. Back story. I am 35 years old with 4 children. Ages 20, 17, 15, and 13. I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. I do not have custody of my 3 younger children because I was in the Army. My current husband has a 10 year old daughter with his ex wife. When we got married he did not have custody of his daughter. After being married for 4 months his ex wife dropped their daughter off on our door step while my husband was TDY and not even home. At that time we were awarded custody of her. I love her like my own.

Now my issue. My husband and I have different ways of parenting. My children are good kids, never get in trouble. They say yes sir, no sir, yes ma'am, no ma'am. My step daughter was so disrespectful at first. She hit and kicked my pregnant daughter. My husband gave me the authority to discipline her. Now, 2 years later she is an amazing girl. Very good kid.

My oldest daughter is 20 and has 2 children. Ages 1 and 2 weeks old. Her and her boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. They did have their own home but his sister talked them into moving in with her after their apt was broken into. Things were not good at that home and I let them move in with us. My husband HATES it. He doesn't think I should be helping them. He doesn't like the boyfriend bc he says that he is a deadbeat. Yes he could be a better person. My daughter works way more than him and respects the fact that she has to provide for her family. Him on the other hand will get a job and quit. Get a job and quit. But she is my daughter and I will NOT let her be homeless. My husband thinks I should tell her that the only way she can stay here is if she leaves him. Sorry, I can't do that. I can NOT make my daughter choose to be in a house with drugs with her boyfriend or let them stay with us. They are good kids and are really trying hard to get their own place. I don't ask for money except for when the bills are higher than what they normally are just like the electric bill was $25 higher than last month. So I asked for them to pay that and they did. They buy their own groceries. They don't bother us. But my husband always acts like its such a problem. Like when I bring my 1 1/2 yr old grandson out of their room and play with him. Hell he even hates if I volunteer to babysit. So I truly feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I feel like she is my daughter and I should do whatever I can to help. Now trust me if she was a crackhead or horrible daughter/parent I would make her deal with it. But they are both good kids in a rut. And I feel like it's my duty as a parent to help her. My husband had a horrible childhood. His mom died when he was 2. His dad was a horrible alcoholic. His dad remarried and my husband is the oldest of like 12 kids. His dad passed away like 8 years ago. He isn't very forthcoming about his childhood but his sister says it was horrible. So I can only assume that's why he feels the way he does. He doesn't interact very much with my kids. He is a quiet introvert. My kids think its odd but they see how happy he makes me so they like him.

I just want to make sure I'm not over stepping my boundaries with my husband. Please give me advice.

Disneyfan's picture

I can understand his point. It's one thing to help your daughter and grandkids, but adding the boyfriend is a bit much.

The boy has two kids to support. Instead of holding onto any job (or jobs) he can find, he's making the choice to just up and quit. He wouldn't be able to quit these jobs if he had to pay market rate rent, utilities. ...each month.

If he's man enough to play house, he should be man enough to support his family.

If both of them were working full-time and you allow them to live with you for free, they should be able to come up with first month's rent and a security deposit in no time. They should be able to move out in a month.

Orange County Ca's picture

Or pay you full market rate rent which will include utilities but not food. Include the use of washing machine/dryer. One room with kitchen and bathroom/living room/yard privileges can be priced by looking at ads in the local paper and Craigslist.

When you said you brought out the kid to play I envisioned a child getting a toy out of a closet. Do they have the run of the house so to speak?

The point of doing this is to help them out (out of the house that is). If they're going to pay full rent they might as well pay it for a place of their own and they'll soon come to that conclusion.

Your hubby does have veto power, as do you, as to who is living in your mutual home.

ybarra357's picture

So let me get this straight. You are allowing your daughter's deadbeat BF live with you?? Sorry I'm with your DH on this one. They need a move out date.

twopines's picture

>>> My husband thinks I should tell her that the only way she can stay here is if she leaves him.<<<


DH has SS31 and SD28, and a grandkid. I have DD18. No way no day will a boyfriend/girlfriend of any of the kids live with us. Not happening. I don't blame your DH one bit.

steppedonstep's picture

The OP came here for advice, not to be judged. She and her DH both got more than they bargained for - she is raising a ten year old for the next eight years and her DH is complaining about helping her DD temporarily? The DD and bf now have two children to provide daycare for while they work - easier said than done. Bunny - where are the bf's parents? Can they help this couple? When you say things were not good at the sister's house, is that where the drug problem is? You say bf is a good kid, but it is unclear if he is involved in drugs. Its obvious you, your DH and DD and bf need to come up with a timeline for getting them to live independently again. I don't agree with the other posters that you should put your DD out on the street with a one year old and a two week old.

Can you talk the bf into joining the Army? I'm serious.

Good luck. There is no easy answer here.

jennaspace's picture

This is tough because I would support my daughter in this situation too, esp with two little kids. It just becomes really hard when your DH isn't her father because no one wants 2 adults and their babies living with them unless they are kin. From the sounds of it, they are trying to find a place to live. You might want to sit down with them and plan out how they will achieve this goal.

I think the person who suggested the military for the boyfriend had an excellent idea. There are also well paying 3 yr medical degrees (e.g. nursing) that could help them never to be in this situation again.

I payed for all my college and there were times I used my college loans to pay for room and board at a community college because the classes were so challenging and I didn't want anything less than an A (competitive field). Your DDs boyfriend could look into a degree that pays well and use the loan to pay for room and board for his little family while he completes it.

AllySkoo's picture

Goodness, there are a few things going on here, and I actually think BOTH of you are a little bit right and a little bit wrong.

Here's my 2 cents - yeah, I tend to agree that you're enabling your daughter a bit. She hasn't made the best choices, even if she does say "yes, ma'am". One child is an accident. Having a second, when you can't afford it and Baby Daddy isn't working, is either a bad choice or stupidity. I also agree that if my DH allowed his 20 year old daughter and her unemployed Baby Daddy (yes, I actually do have an SD20 with an unemployed BD, who thankfully have their own apartment) to come live in MY HOUSE I would be LIVID. And while I understand the drive to help your child and grandchildren (truly, I have my own bios, and I totally do get it!), I think you're out of line letting them live in your DH's home. He does (or should) have veto power - as do you. Understand that your DH is making a HUGE concession for you on that and you should be thanking him and making it as easy on him as possible.

Now, on the flip side... your DH is sort of out of line too. It is none of his business if you choose to babysit your grandson. It is ridiculous that he gets upset when you play with your grandson. Those are YOUR CHOICES and you have an absolute right to them. I also disagree with the way he's trying to get you to go about compromising, saying your DD can stay as long as the BF goes. Not his call, although I get where he's coming from. He wants his house back, which is reasonable enough. So maybe instead of his way of compromising (picking who can stay and go), try another way. I do like the idea of giving your daughter a deadline. And if you have your own money (not your DH's) then I'd say pay the deposit on an apartment for them. But your daughter felt she was old enough to become a mother - and that means she's old enough to sink or swim on her own. I understand, and even respect, your desire to "help" her, but in the long run you're not doing her any favors by rescuing her indefinitely from her own decisions.

NotYetSM's picture

Unfortunately you have not come to the most sympathetic site. Many of us are dealing with a similar situation from your husband's side. I am 1000% with Ally. While you do have a responsibility to your daughter. She made this situation. I would let her and the kids stay with the timeline towards moving out. I would kick out the boyfriend. It has to be infuriating from your husband's point of view that these grown man and woman who were old enough to make two children are not old enough to support themselves. I would doubt that he has anything against your grandson. I just think his presence is just one more reminder of how much the adults are being enabled. It's too bad because if he did not have to have them forced upon him I suspect he would be a very loving grandfather. I doubt you would've married a man who you didn't think would be. I feel for you because it is an awful situation and it doesn't sound like there's an easy answer. I guess if there was an easy answer none of us would be on the site.