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Insecurities

Anon2009's picture

Questions: How do you think adult skids should go about handling their insecurities about their lives, and the step-situations they're in? For those who are adult SKs, how did you go about it?

I went about it by getting professional help, and by talking with both of my parents. I also attempted to get to know my stepmother by inviting her out for coffee. She accepted the invite, but never showed. I slept better knowing I did the right thing by extending an olive branch. If she wants a relationship with me, the ball's now in her court. I got to know my stepdad. He and I have may common interests and I think the world of him.

There were some sad times in my life back then. I'd just put my old dog to sleep, and had broken up with a BF. Those two instances really compounded the insecurities I had about my step situation. My parents could tell I was devastated. They asked me, "honey, is everything ok?" I wound up in tears, telling them each about my sadness over my dog and ex, and my insecurities about the step situation. I don't know of any good, loving parent who wouldn't want to help their child, kid or adult. I don't know of any loving parent who sees that their child, kid or adult, is sad and doesn't ask about what's going on and offer help. Most parents I know of adult kids would want to help them by giving them advice on how to deal with their insecurities on anything including these step situations. They recognize, however, that those with these step-situations insecurities can express them without bashing the stepparent. Smart adult stepkids realize this too. I got a lot further in getting help and support from my parents by focusing on discussing the problems *I* had, than I would have by bashing their spouses.

sandye21's picture

As you have probably read on this site, you are a rarity. The difference between you and my SD is that you are not a narcissist. You could see that your problems were yours. If I had a SD like you I would be doing everything possible to support you when your dog died and you broke up with your boyfriend. Your SM was offered the 'olive branch' and did not take it. There must be some reason why, and it may not have anything to do with you. You are right - the ball is in her court. If my SD simply said she was sorry, and I knew she meant it, I would have shown up to lunch.

Anon2009's picture

Couldn't agree more. And I don't understand the parents/guardians who don't rein these kids in while they're younger. My parents would have never allowed me to act so rudely towards my stepparents, regardless of whether I like them or not. If I tried those shenanigans with my stepmother, she would have just upped the ante on the PAS of my mom or gotten physical with me, or both.

ItAlmostWorked's picture

Do you have any hunches why she didn't show up for coffee? After my last two weeks, I might not show up either but at least I would decline the invitation rather than stand up my SD.

Just curious. Thanks for sharing your situation, very helpful.

Anon2009's picture

That's just how she is. It's not just towards me, either. I just had to learn to not take it personally.

Anon2009's picture

Thank you Smile You are awesome too. I'm sorry you haven't been treated better by your SKs. I would love to have you or any other of the ladies here as a SM. Unfortunately, this is the way my SM is to everyone.

I really hope these SKs grow up at some point, but I also pity them. They are very emotionally stunted individuals who won't change until they decide they want to seek help. Their lives must be very sad.

LilyBelle's picture

Sounds like you've done the best you can in your situation. I wish my SO's adult daughter was as open as you are.

My kids still live with me, and they view SO as a great addition in their lives.... another supportive adult. I think part of this is that they had time to get to know him, and they are accustomed to having supportive non-parent adults involved in their lives through extended family and church.

I wish his adult daughter could view me in the same way.... as a potential friend. But, when I reached out to her, she came out throwing punches.

I have tried to be understanding, and I haven't answered her the way I would any other 29 year old woman who spoke to me that way, but I don't know how to support her or how to reach out to her.

How can I understand her insecurity when she's already decided she dislikes me?

Anon2009's picture

Thank you Smile The best option might be to disengage. Don't mistreat SD but don't go out of your way for her either. But if she is rude to you, absolutely defend yourself. Don't expect that your DH will stand up to SD. So many here on this site have thought/expected that, but it never happened. You have to defend yourself. Don't let her walk all over you.

LilyBelle's picture

Thanks... I have started to disengage, but didn't know that was what I was doing. I told him I realized I can't change her attitude, and I don't want to disrespect him or try to force him to handle things my way, so I will continue to date him but not in a committed relationship and not moving toward a future together until I feel safe that I can be in a relationship with him without personal attacks. I realize that for myself, the degree of loyalty I expect from a committed relationship is one that if you choose to make my SO your enemy, you will also have a problem with me... I give that level of loyalty, and I will settle for no less. So, I have to decide if I'm willing to concede on that one... but, right now, that's where I am. I'd rather be single than in a relationship triangulated with a 29 year old child who can't stand me.

And we are not married.

sandye21's picture

LilyBelle, This seems so unfair, doesn't it? But you have to do what is right for you. We DO deserve simple, mutual respect. When SO does not support you and is disloyal to you he is not 'partner' material. It's just not worth it. I can tell you from experience that unless your SO is willing to make your relationship his first priority, and convey this to SD, it does not get any better. If I had it to do all over again, I would have just dated my DH instead of going through decades of abuse from a 37 year old 'child' who still can't stand me.