I'm tired of it.. and I'm venting, sorry.
Skids wedding, 'The Family Photo" which is prominently displayed in their house and all over Facebook, and I'm not included. It's a lovely picture of all the Skids and SO's, their mom and MY husband while I stood off the side. I guess I should be grateful that they're not standing side by side.
Skids daughter's confirmation.. Grandma's got corsages.. but not me.
Other Skids wedding. During the procession into the party, mom is introduced as Mother of the groom.. Husband and I are introduced as "Father of the groom and his date'.
Mom, Grandmom and aunts all got corsages. I got nothing.
There have been a million more instances where I've been treated as 'less than' and I'm sick of it. My husband tells me I'm over reacting and the skids don't mean anything by it... after all he says, they do invite me to these special occasions.. It's ok if I sign the checks made out to them though.
Like an idiot, I keep waiting for things to get better. The Skids now have kids of their own and once again for the Christening the grandma's got corsages, and I didn't. It's not about the flowers like my husband thinks. He can be a moron sometimes. and honestly that was the straw that broke the camel's back and I'm angry, angry at all of them, husband included and I"m angry at myself for believing I'd someday have a place in the family.
I've been married to this man for 25 yrs. I've been in his kids lives since the youngest was 2. I didn't even know him when he was married so I wasn't the reason for his divorce. In the interest of peace I've allowed myself to be a doormat and I'm tired of it and I'm mad at myself for letting it go on.
sorry for the first post rant. If I didn't get this off my chest I would burst.
That's so rude and horrible.
That's so rude and horrible. I think your husband should say something or you all should not attend these things. My sd11 totally ignores my presence when we're around her BM. Like at her ballgames and stuff. My husband never fails to remind her to acknowledge me and she always acts like she just forgot. Puh-lease. I think ima forget that she could use some new summer clothes. Had planned to go shopping next weekend but I'm pretty sure it's gonna slip my mind.
It may have taken way too
It may have taken way too long but now you know. These people consider you as nothing more than your DH's "date".
So now you do not have to do anything for them. Nothing more than you would do for utter strangers. Do not be mean or vindictive. Just recognize that you mean nothing to them and never will.
Do whatever it takes to enjoy your life. You deserve it.
"Bitch slap my idiot husband"
"Bitch slap my idiot husband" made me laugh. That phrase was what I was planning on putting in the subject line of my post.. but I wasn't sure if I could use the word bitch.
Thankfully, I'm not the big wage earner so any monies given to the ingrates come out of his wallet. I was the one to buy gifts and such, but no more. He can do it.
On the upside you can simply
On the upside you can simply disengage from being anything more to your step-kids than your dh's "date". Be polite and classy to them but don't do anything for them. Remind yourself that you don't matter at all to them the next time you think of writing a cheque for something, or doing anything over an above what their father's "date" would do for next to strangers. If this isn't something you have done up until now it will be hard at first, but disengaging is the best thing you can do. At some point you will see how liberating it is, how stress-free your life will become. When it no longer matters to you to be a part of their family, when in fact they don't matter at all to you, life is so, so much easier. on a less extreme scale, I went through this with my dh's eldest daughter. For many years it meant so much to me to have a good relationship with her. She treated me like crap and now has a similar attitude to your skids - she "tolerates" me for the sake of her dad. Will "play nice" but makes it clear in every way possible that I hold absolutely zero value in her life. She does not in any way consider me to be family. It took me so long to let go of the hurt, anger and frustration. But what helped me to let go was to let go of my efforts at a real relationship with her. I reminded myself of my 'no value status' with her and decided she had a similar one to me. I am always polite and gracious to her but I have disengaged completely. Stopped any attempts even of simple conversations with her. I don't go out of my way for her in any way. I don't care what she thinks of me, I don't care about her life. Have got to the point where I've realized I only want people in my life that I actually like and want to be around, people who have good intentions and good energy. The negatives like her I avoid big time. I'm so much happier and feel so much less stressed. If by some miracle she later decides she wants a relationship with me....no, I don't think I would ever go there again with her. At the end of the day, your step-kids that are treating you the way they are, are truly the ones that have lost out honey
I agree with all of the
I agree with all of the above. These ingrates do not care one whit about you or your marriage and from here on out, I would reciprocate.
Meaning they no longer exist in your world. Free yourself of any commitment to them......holidays, birthdays.....I am sure you have been doing plenty for them.....STOP. Let dh do it all......be cordial when you see them, but do not lift a finger for any of them.
Dh should get the message very soon that you are done with his clan. He can do it all.
I've had my share of
I've had my share of rejection but I just came in their lives as adults. That being said, I wasn't left out of photos etc... This exclusion is very aggressive in the passive form.
I personally would stop going to events where I was treated as my Dhs appendage. Life's too short.
The funny part is if I don't
The funny part is if I don't do it, or if I don't make arrangements to get together with the Skids.. DH won't do it. He leaves all that stuff up to me. From now on he can make the calls if he wants to get together with them.
I just remembered something. Last year the Skids called to speak to my husband and I over heard him say 'Let me check with Ellie first'.. so I asked whats going on? He told me the Skids wanted to have their moms birthday party in our backyard because it was hot outside and we had the pool. I think my jaw dropped.
I wanted to hit him for even asking me. I told him they had some hell of a nerve asking that when they don't even so much as wish me a happy birthday. So, he told them no. Needless to say, they weren't happy and then reminded him that it was his house too and he should make up his own mind, but he stood his ground. If he hadn't I think I would have neutered him with a rusty scissor.
Okay, Elliedeee, I literally
Okay, Elliedeee, I literally gasped in horror when I read that you were introduced as "father of the groom and his date" and that was before I got to the part that you've been married to him for 25 years! Unbelievable! The fact that your husband does not see a problem with this is completely unacceptable. I am so sorry that you have been going through this. Please disengage. Utterly and completely. These people are not your family and they treat you horribly. Do not allow them in your life. They only make you feel bad. Only include people in your life that love you and treat you well. Best wishes!
My husband doesn't even
My husband doesn't even notice the snubs unless I bring it to his attention. Like with this latest event, when we received the invitation to the skids daughter's confirmation it was made out to Grandma Ellie and DH, but when we got to the church I saw that both the other grandma's were wearing corsages and there was none for me. So, I get sucked in to believing that Ive been accepted, but then when I didn't get a corsage it's like they're saying haha, gotcha again. I pointed out the corsages to DH and he said his DD probably just 'forgot' to get me one. Even if that were true, it's still saying a lot.
I have kids of my own that are very close to the skids. One of my sons even married one of the skids best friends. My kids and the skids even refer to themselves as brothers and sisters. We treated them all the same as they were growing up and still do.
I know the skids resented me when they were younger because they felt if it wasn't for me, mom and dad would get back together again and they'd all live happily ever after etc, etc. I thought that as they got older, they'd get over that resentment but I found out that they haven't.
I can't totally ignore the skids or refuse to go to all events because my kids and grandkids will be there too. But, I am going to stop doing the things I used to do for the adult skids. I'll be polite and friendly but I realize I've got to emotionally distance myself from them for my own sanity and self worth. As far as their kids go, I always referred to them as my grandkids and treated them the same as my own g'kids, and I'll continue to do that.
I agree, a slow withdrawal
I agree, a slow withdrawal without announcement is the way to go. After almost ten years, I've decided I don't really want to invest any more significant time with skids because I feel it's a dead-end relationship. They are adults now, and my SO's relationship with them is his business.
Rather than "announce" this new attitude to him, I just say things like, "Oh, I don't think I'll be going with you today since I've got so much to do. But you go out and enjoy dinner and your time with skids - I know they will appreciate having some time with you alone."
Recommend you take the same attitude. Just start refusing to go or be involved with them. And let me tell you, the added benefit is having "alone" time for myself, too! Bring on the chick flicks and popcorn!
I am really sorry for your
I am really sorry for your pain. Of course it's easy for me to say - disengage! Reality is a lot tougher than the simplistic advice of a stranger on the internet. Good idea to distance yourself as much as you can. What a shame.
Whimsy and 2tired.. A slow
Whimsy and 2tired..
A slow withdrawal without any discussion or big announcement is exactly what I was thinking today too. I'm not going to talk to DH about it, I'm just going to do it. I've spoken to DH so many times over the years about his kids attitude towards me that I knew another talk would get me nowhere or we'd just end up arguing anyway.
Having made that decision has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I even got to put it in practice. SD called and I just let it go to voicemail. DH can call her when he gets in if he wants to. Let him deal with the drama.
Good for you, Ellie! One
Good for you, Ellie! One step at a time. And before you know it, you will build up steam and will have made headway down a new road in your life. A road that is filled with wonderful possibilities with new adventures for ways to spend your time and energy, and people who will enrich your life.
But most importantly, it will be without a passel of ungreatful adults who have done nothing but try and diminish your humanity and your relevance. Leave all that behind and embrace a future without them in it!
That is a great first step.
That is a great first step. Sounds like my first step too
When SD used to call (when I am home) I stopped answering. Now she never calls when I am home.
Be careful of the next few weeks/months. My DH didn't really notice too much right away but when he did I gently explained what I was doing and why. He was understanding and sympathetic - for a while. After a few more weeks passed, he then thought that was enough now and let's all get back to the way we were.
He DIDN'T UNDERSTAND - this was not a temporary thing. This is how it is going to be from now on. I put up with a lot over 20 years (actually I think it is 22 years this year), and I have had enough too.
I was only treated semi-decent if I was giving something or going something for skids. Otherwise I am dirt and a topic for criticism and belittling. Forget that BS, I am no longer giving anything or doing anything for skids. I am done too.
DH and I have been on the brink of divorce on and off since my disengagement, but I am holding strong. He is going to have to let it go or just go.
Take care of yourself and be strong. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness. Surround yourself with only those who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Good luck.
The part about being
The part about being introduced at the wedding as your husbands "date" bothers me. You are his wife, not his date. What SHOULD have been said in the intro was: Mr. XXXX, father of the bride, and his wife XXXXX. Just like if the bio mom had remarried it would have been: Mrs. XXXXXX, mother of the bride and her husband XXXX (of course they would use her current husband's last name.
This is no excuse for that by a long shot, but some people just don't know better about manners, others just don't care. This is just ignorance plain and simple.
And, yes, you should have gotten a corsage as well. Not as glamorous a the MOTB, but still something to indicate you are part of the family, because you are.
After a smart arse comment
After a smart arse comment made to me by Twit, I no longer answer the phone when I know it is her. She can leave a message. Also, if she comes to the house, I don't invite her in as I would other family members UNLESS she insists on waiting for her father. I have no time or interest in her. She is not my problem.
Ellie, I totally understand.
Ellie, I totally understand. I kept thinking it would get better too. I did every "mom" duty cheerfully. Their mother is dead. I funded colleges, health insurance, weddings , graduations. Sewed, decorated, cleaned, baby sat, you name it.
I was so humiliated at my SD's wedding because she insisted EVERYONE go up front and light the unity candle. Except me. The entire alter was full of people. Except me. No reserve seat at the reception, in fact, I had trouble finding a seat.
The minister noted all of this. He grabbed my arms at the rehearsal and told me how impressed how I was keeping it all together. He later talked to me. Nothing will ever change. I hope you can disengage and get on with the rest of your life. I hope it doesn't make you too bitter. I personally am having trouble with the bitterness lately.
Hugs!
Your DH let this happen?
Your DH let this happen?
He did. About 7 months later,
He did. About 7 months later, I spewed out that I hated his guts for letting it happen and him not saying anything. I had a lot of built of anger for years about all of it.
Nothing changed for a couple of years and then finally, the shit hit the fan and he had his eyes wide open about his two darling daughters.
He is disengaged right along with me now. He pretty much told them how it was going to be and they refuse to accept it so he hasn't seen them in three and a half years now.