I am back for a visit
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Hi all, It's been awhile. My DH passed away nearly three years ago, and I told my adult SKids we should go our separate ways shortly after his death. Since then I have not had to endure any more of the angst they put us through for the holidays, their birthdays, and his birthday. I have peace in my life now, even though I still miss him. No words of wisdom here, except to say I will never put myself in that situation again!
It's always great to get an
It's always great to get an update from an old member, but I'm sorry to hear you lost your DH. I hope you're moving forward and taking great care of you.
I think you rock for taking the direct route and telling his adult kids to buzz off.
If you don't mind me asking, did your DH have his affairs in order, and did the skids give you any difficulties? This is the step scenario that I absolutely dread, so ant insight would be appreciated.
The SS and his GF were
The SS and his GF were sniffing around and asking nosey questions while my DH was hospitalized. It made me nervous, and I talked with a police detective. He gave me a lot of good advice, and told me to tell SS in writing that he is not welcome on my street or near my house. That put a stop to SS right away, but sadly he stopped visiting his father. I didn't know what else to do. SD was angry with me when DH died, and she texted horrible things to me. I showed my sisters and father her texts, and they agreed I should hold off a month on the private memorial service and not publish the date or location so SKids would not attend. I texted them to say they should hold their own memorial service and we would be going our separate ways.
Similar
Our late BM was married to a good looking man i'll call Clueless. The kids didnt care for him, im not sure why. SD59, in particular, disliked him and they had many upsets. Fast forward and the 3 kids all grew up and had their own kids. BM mellowed into a good grandma and he seemed to be doing his best. He and she hosted them on holidays, they traveled to visit and babysit, he bought nice gifts (like furniture) etc. He had never had kids of his own and treated them like his own.
She died and he stayed in the house. I thought he would be back in the bars picking up another one but I was wrong. He seemed to sincerely grieve her. He tried to stay in contact with the kids and actually hosted a Christmas to which we were invited and went. That was the occasion when SD59 and SGD were arguing about which of BM's wall hangings they had been promised. I could tell the kids were easing away from him, actually I heard them talking about him negatively. I saw him at a family funeral when he started to open up to me about how he gave, gave but they didn't reciprocate with any attention. I was getting ready to tell him frankly to just stop doing it but was interrupted and never got to talk to him.
Clueless got sick, it turned out to be cancer. The only one who had a single thing to do with him was OSS who often went by, did repairs, helped him and took him to some Dr appts. As Clueless got sicker, he alerted the neighbors that if they saw SD's car there, to call the police. He opened up to his brother and YSS, his executor, about the ugly relationship with SD. She was banned from the funeral.
Clueless left the house to all 3 kids. YSS kept his sister and niece away until he was ready for them to strip it. The whole thing was an eye-opening experience for me. Now I know exactly what I could expect if I hadnt made my own plans.
How was SD officially banned from the funeral? Do tell!
Thanks for sharing this!
Banned from funeral
Clueless had told his brother about SD's antics and of course, YSS, the executor, had a lifetime of experience with her so knew about it, too. Once Clueless died, YSS flew in to handle the funeral. He would have probably let SD come but Clueless's brother was adamant: no SD. I don't think she really cared. Who wants to have to get dressed up, drive 30 miles and stand around for somebody you don't even like, right?
Clueless had planned to change things so thst SD wouldn't get 1/3 of the house but never got around to it. So, once the house was sold, she had 1/3 coming. Of course, she never lifted a finger to help, OSS did weeks of work to ready it for sale. Once he was ready, YSS let the vampires, I mean SD and SGD, go in and strip the rest.
When the sale closed, YSS (and everybody) knew SD would run through hers pronto. So they gave it to DH and me to keep for her and I put it in my savings account. In their fantasy, they thought I woukd slow down the drain but I refused to bite so DH got to receive the calls: " Dad, I need $200 for x", " Dad, I need $500 for y". She did repay him some of what she has extorted, I mean borrowed, but it was a drop in the bucket. Within 6 months, all gone.
She never mentions Clueless but sometimes goes boo boo about BM. I always laugh to myself because they were fighting to the end and OSS was the only one there with BM consistently at the end.
Sad for your loss, but thrilled you are officially out of STEP
HELL! That is great.
I don't think ANY OF US will ever knowingly place ourselves in stephell ever again!
Unfortunately the best learned life lessons are those we have to walk through ourselves.
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Be well.
Yes, we had put our affairs
Yes, we had put our affairs in order approximately three years before he died. I learned that we needed to do this from reading these forums. I'm relieved that we did it, and I would caution all stepparents to look into planning.
I'd love to go my separate
I'd love to go my separate ways with my SDs, but there's a trust that has them named. My DH could die tomorrow; I could live another 40 years, and they are still named in our trust.
Not that I would want to have anythign to do with them. Both SDs have pointed out they will receive nothing from their mother,who has zero basic money management skills and got her first mortgage at age 65. OSD45 frequently talks about how much she oooooooops I mean her husband will inherit from his parents.
DH and I both had executive jobs and while working socked away a lot of $$$. And so she's looking at us along with her sister.
Sorry, I am going to outlive both of you. Try working for what you want.
I am sad for you over the
I am sad for you over the loss of your husband. However, I am so happy that the drama passed with your DH. The peace you are living is such good news.
It is great to hear from you. Stick around. Your life is an inspiration that we can all learn from.