Going “No Contact” with step-kids
I have reached the point in my life where I have very little to almost no desire to be involved in my stepchildren's lives. With the "no contact" epidemic that has been plaguing families for the last several years, I wonder if stepparents who keep getting treated like absolute trash can decide to flip-the-script and go no contact as well!
My husband has five kids from his previous marriage. I have 3 daughters from mine. 4 of his 5 kids are some of the most self-centered, rude, disrespectful people I have met. Over the years, all of his kids would complain about their mother and say horrible things about her in front of me and their dad. Anytime they would start to talk smack about their mother, I would shut it down and say "I don't want to hear anybody talk badly about either of the other parent in my house". This rule applied not only to their mother, but my ex-husband as well (even though neither deserved ANY grace quite frankly).
I have an extremely strained relationship with his youngest daughter, a surface-level relationship with one of his twin daughters, and the middle daughter is a straight up b--tch. I'm recently learning that his son who is now 16, is a fantastic actor. Just yesterday, he proceeded to talk badly about his mother, so I walked out of the room. Funny thing is, every time he stays with us, he complains about his mom yet just last weekend at graduation, he was hanging all over her, hugging her and being extra attentive to her. Don't get me wrong, it's great that he loves his mother and has a good relationship with her however, I find it so off putting for him to enjoy verbally berating his mother whenever he is around me and his father, then acting and contradiction otherwise when he's with her.
His youngest daughter would post terrible things about me on social media until one of my nieces came across her Instagram account and saw all of the hateful posts about me. It wasn’t until this last weekend that I had to spend three days for graduations that I had had enough. Most of the time during these functions, I am ignored or treated like a visitor. I was introduced by his middle daughter during graduation as “the stepmother“. Mind you, I have been their stepmother for eight years. In a way I feel I have set myself up for disappointment because I would always go out of my way to make them each feel special, only to find that there is never any gratitude for it.
There are so many details that I cannot get into because my post would turn into a book. But I’m sure this is no new tale, and I am seriously considering setting very deep and sharp boundaries with his children. I no longer want to participate in any family function, such as graduations, birthdays, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, etc. I am at a point in my life, where no contact is not such a bad idea.
Final note: 4 years ago, my husband’s ex-wife assisted my ex-husband in a slanderous and false DCF case against my husband! And I still showed up at every function/event, and had to endure being within 6 feet of that woman and his rude, two-faced children! And I do it because I love my husband more than I dislike his children and ex-wife, in spite of how much they've hurt me personally. But I have to love myself first because it's starting to affect my health and my peace.
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I'm "No Contact"
Since 2018, there have been only three times I've seen some of DHs kids. And all within the past year.
DH and I have been married 17 years, plus 18 months of dating. In 2018, the final "gang up on CajunMom" event happened and I wiped my hands of DHs kids. Like you, I tried to bring positive and good to their lives without overstepping boundaries only to be constantly treated terribly.
DH sees his kids (all adults) away from our marital home. I do not ask questions, nor do I buy gifts, or send greetings. All this was developed in our counseling sessions. In the past year, I've had VERY limited contact with two of DHs sons. I was cordial and civil....then excused myself to other tasks while they visited with DH. And that's how I'll interact with all of them, if and when contact happens. They do NOT sleep at our home. When DH visits them, he has to get a hotel, so they can do the same.
The reality of my life is I am DH's wife. I am not a StepMom nor do I ever refer to myself as such. DH also has grandkids, which I was shunned from, also. So, I don't do babysitting or buy gifts. That's DHs job.
Best to you. While it is a bit awkward being fully disengaged, it is VERY peaceful. LOL
Insightful NC POV
Thanks for the insight. I feel exactly what you described in your situation. DH is not blind to how his children have treated me over the years and we have had several arguments over it. Like you, I simply do not want to be involved at any level or capacity going forward. But I would like your advice on how to implement the no contact boundary. I am a frogs hair away from sending them all a text to let them know that I no longer wish to be involved in any texts, phone calls, or future events. I would let them know that this has nothing to do with their father and their relationship with their father. I just no longer feel comfortable being around their family gatherings.
I'm fully no-contact with my
I'm fully no-contact with my OSD20 and borderline with YSD18 (I only interact with her when she's in our home). Note that I've NEVER had outside contact with them outside of our home unless it was to communicate for a ride somewhere or helping husband since they were teens. I didn't instigate this, it just happened because really, they could care less about me.
If I were you I'd stay far, far away from your want to send a text or something. This will be used against you as proof you are a terrible person. Instead, just simply stop replying, calling, attending events, arranging things for your DH. Gray Rock it as they say. Be cool, be calm, be removed.
Sage advice
Thank you for your perspective. I think your advice of Gray Rocking them is point.
Just Go Silent
In my situation, the "event" was purposeful and DHs kids got what they wanted...or thought they wanted. I said nothing; not sure what DH told them but I'm sure he said to leave me alone. I blocked all of DHs kids on my phone and social media accounts. I did not, and still don't search for them or info about them in any manner, I don't ask questions and any info DH gives is met with a "that's nice, oh, how cool, etc" but no questions. As I said, he sees them away from our home for the most part but as they start coming here to visit him, I'll be kind and civil but excuse myself asap from the mix.
There has never been any reconciliation on their part so while I forgive, I will not be in relation with them at all. I read a powerful statement...You only give of your heart what people have proven trustworthy with. I have zero trust in DHs kids...they get nothing personal from me...ever.
For you...just don't respond to the texts, remove yourself from the group texts, don't answer calls. Listen to the voicemails and if it's something that can be passed to your DH, do it. If not, ignore. Do not offer to do anything for or with them, watch carefully on future events happening so you can make say, "Thanks for the invite. Unfortunately, I have other plans already." It's very easy to "ghost" someone. They'll get the hint eventually. After all, they have two parents. Why are they bothering the "stepmom." SMH
Radio silent
I love the idea of going silent, I really do. But I'll be honest, having to take shit and smile while I eat it has turned into a deep seeded animosity. I have a very hard time "faking it", but I manage for the sake of my husband. Thanks for the great advice.
If these are adults.. you can
If these are adults.. you can certainly be no contact.. you can let your husband manage his own relationship with his kids.
If they are minors.. andyour husband has visitation.. you can disengage (DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND)
disengage means you don't go out of your way to interract.. to do things with or for them.. You don't "care" about the outcome.. you don't hound them to do chores.. you don't do anything for them really unless it's under the theory that the favor you do is for your husband. (like if you have to pick a kid up from practice because your husband is in a work meeting).
You are civil inyour home to them.. but no huge effort needed to talk to them. You may cook family meals that they may eat.. but you don't prepare special meals..etc..
Disengaging has commenced
Well said. Subtle disengagement has started with my SS. He's a proven manipulator, so that's that. He is remarkably full of shit, even DH caught by surprise last weekend. But DH never, ever holds the accountable for their behavior or calls them out on it. My big issue is my default state of function is always being available and accommodating...so DH will suspect something is up when I suddenly make the shift. Nonetheless, thank you for the great advice.
I get that a complete 180
I get that a complete 180 might be noticeable.. but you could start becoming less and less available.. have more things on your schedule.. oh.. sorry can't do that tomorrow.. and as the kids get older.. they theoretically should be getting to be more self sufficient.
maybe schedule yourself some self improvement class at the exact time you normally are on call.. oh.. I'm sure everyone will figure it out.. sorry honey.. I have that yoga class on tuesdays now
Totally get it
Again, fabulous advice! I will start scheduling some activities for myself-it's about time I start prioritizing my mental wellbeing.
Just step out
I would just step out/remove myself without any explanation.
After a few years of hope and trying, I totally gave up with SD and partially gave up with SS. Didn't see or have any contact with SD for 7 years. Very limited contact with the both of them through the years. DH & my agreement was that he would go see them elsewhere (they live in different states). DH and I did attend SD's wedding and were treated like lepers. We left the reception early. Then BS occurred when the first baby came. As you say, there are so many stories.
DH had his health crisis last year and the skids came here. I hoped that they would behave like adults in a time of crisis. Oh, hell no. I nearly lost it. It was the first time the skids actually saw me angry and cursing. After all these years.
For nearly two decades, I tried to keep up with them via social media for DH's sake (he's not on), only to find that they never acknowledged that DH or I even existed but constantly literally worshipped BM publicly. It was very weird. Call me naive: I eventually realized that they had blocked me from seeing most of what was on their social media accounts. So, bitches, I did the same. lol.
I wrote a blog about disengagement being "fluid"; that is the way it has been for me. But, honestly, not having rude spiteful ingrates in your life is a beautiful thing. I love not knowing about them (for the most part), not seeing them, not hearing from them.
(SS recently asked DH if I had posted something on social media that DH was telling him about. Yea, but not for your viewing, ahole. Tired of the one-way street.) We get tired of being disrespected and walked on.
I totally feel this…
So much similarity in how we all share in these situations! The way they blocked you from their social media is what they've done to me, but in a inconspicuous way. They have different accounts to stay incognito from me and their dad. I really want to block them, but I'll just ignore messages that come to "us". They sure as shit never text me on their own, so it's fine. Thanks for the advice.
On Facebook, you can create a
On Facebook, you can create a default audience for your posts that excludes them. Also, you can keep their info out of your feed. It's kind of like blocking without really blocking.
No contact = peace :D
I am no contact, in general, especially now after the last "wave" of drama from SD25 Feral Forger. Where she complained to husband that he "abandoned her for his whore of a wife" when he didnt have $$ to pay her cell phone bill (I found out $250 was the ask), this after hed given $400 towards rent.
All is quiet, although from a little down low research, I see shes posting on IG about scanning and Ivs so shes at a Dr for "something". Previously she was claiming some mysterious illness that was her own diagnosis. Shes off her meds,etc.
OMG!
How are you not wearing an orange jumpsuit after she called you a whore!...omg, you are a strong woman! I had a similar exchange with my youngest SD after she got within 3 inches of my face and yelled at me for "not supporting her dietary choices". Mind you, I cooked a separate meal for her every night while she lived in my house. Another spectacular lie that was baseless, but hey, I enjoy being a free citizen too much-what can I say. lol. I couldn't do a thing about it, and I resent not being able to affect any disceline because "it's not my place".
I get mad when I think about it...
Then I remember its a get-out-of-everything-to-do-with-Feral-Forger Freedom Card,
Lately she has been posting about variouss health issues...which mean she probably isnt working, which means imminent relocation somewhere new which means more drama...
I couldn't do a thing about
If it's in your house
If you are responsible for it
If its in your face
If it affects you
Youre well within your rights to say/do something (especially if your husband lack of parenting and discipline affects your wellbeing) ... and if those kids don't like it they can have their visitation at the library, the park, etc
Those kids have no business entering your personal space, intimidating, yelling at you in your home especially after you provide very well for them.
And I still showed up at
Good.
Because as women were raised by society to be "nice, nurturing, and self-sacrifing" ...
men don't do this because most men would have been left at the slight inconvenience of not being respected in their home by their partners/spouses kids.
About time you put yourself first because best believe these men will put themselves , their feral spawns, their layaway plan pr0stitue$ as a priority ... and if you don't prioritize yourself when necessary then who else will?
"as women were raised by
"as women were raised by society to be "nice, nurturing, and self-sacrifing" ..."
THIS!!!!
It took me decades to finally figure out that being over the top "nice" was never going to work. We're raised to be supportive dutiful wives and to be "nice." I was at the point of developing alarming physical symptoms. I honestly thought I was going to either die or snap. I decided that I do not have to "support" a dynamic to the point of enabling a dynamic that hurts me. I do sweet fuck all for my SKs now. It's all on DH to deal with his batshit DD34. He let her turn out that way, so it's all on him to enjoy. LOL
I also could have written
I also could have written this and so true. Thank You
Good luck with the
Good luck with the disengagement. I have been disengaged from my two step daughters for 20 yrs or so - but took it to the next level in 2022, when SD29 insulted me and called me horrible names. I told DH I was no longer willing to be with her in any social situation. I offered to vacate our home if he wanted to invite her, but he refused, so she doesn't come here any more, and SD27 (from whom I am not no-contact) chooses not to come here because of my ban on SD29. DH sees them both elsewhere. I think my actions are justified, I am just worn out from 22 yrs of her and had had enough. I am in my 60s and figure I am entitled to a few years of peace before I die! It got so that my own daughter, if I would phone her about SD29's antics, would say "another day, another SD29 drama". We lurched from being dragged from one of her dramas to the next, all through every year. No-one should have to live like that. Since I have been no-contact, she is a lot better behaved with DH, so he has benefited from it.
It’s called disengagement
Or no contact, not caring about people who disrespect you.
I lucked out
Chef's three ferals PASed out completely at a young age due to scorched earth, kamikaze, nuclear all out guerilla warfare PAS on the part of the BM and her entire family as well as the entire community, population 5,000. The BM is practically mayor of her town and smeared us so badly that she had a sports coach scream obscenities at us just for inquiring about a school event.
YSS literally defecated on purpose all over my house to let us know how he felt about having to do visitation after the older two were bribed to lie to CPS about us and stopped visitation altogether.
They are now adults and have made zero effort to seek us out although we hear through the grapevine that YSS had threatened to "kick Chef's ass" if he ever saw him again. (impossible...at 56 Chef has the strength of a gorilla and would break YSS21 in half). All three live about 7-20 minutes away from us. If I ever see them again it will be too soon. Haven't heard their cloven hooves clattering up my driveway in 16 yrs. Glory Be!
Facts are neither good nor
Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. So... bare their asses with the facts. Do it confidently, assertively, and relentlessly any time they go toxic. Facts are not toxic. They are merely..... facts. Use them.
Do not tolerate their manipulative crap. When the Skids introduce you as "This is the stepmother". Step forward, reach out your hand and with a confident hand shake and introduce yourself. "I am so sorry she was so rude. Yes, I am Coconut Run. I am their stepmother and have raised them with their dad since they were X,Y, & Z years old and we certainly raised them to know better than to be so rude."
Be radiant and confident at your DH's side to show him your support and demonstrate that there is no more tolerance for his shit spawn, their shit BM, or their crap and it is game on for ass baring with the facts.
The radiant and confident is critical. As is informing your DH that there is a new model for addressing the toxic crap from his XW and her toxic minions.
Then... defend that hill while leaving as large a body count as is necessary to get them to either stop their shit, or stay gone.
When they manipulate on social media, post the falsely launched reports and clearance letter from DCF. Did you sue BM for defamation? If not, do it and do it now. Have that official paperwork poised for ass baring.
You have every fact necessary to bury them. As most of us do, I am sure you have reems of court docs, emails, voice mails, court reporter minutes, DCF, school behavioral reports, etc, etc, etc..... Use it all as is appropriate to whatever odiferous emanations they are spreading at any given time. Not vindictively, but to defend your DH, yourself, and your marriage. And to defend your 3 kids from seeing their mother be dragged through the dirt and to defend your one Skid of potential quality from being painted with the shit stain brush that you will be slathering the other 4 and their toxic shitstain of a BM with.
Never give up, never give in, never surrender. Keep it based on the facts. When they lie, bare their asses. When they are rude, bare their asses.
IMHO in loving yourself it is critical that you defend yourself against this kind of crap, defend your marriage from this kind of crap, and defend your mate from the stench of his own shit puddle gene pool and XW. He needs to know that he is standing with you as you are with him and that the two of you will assertively address each and every behavioral infraction from his failed family.
Take care of you.