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I’m finally going to have to tell SS the truth about HCBM and I’m terrified

mrsp's picture

Hi. I am the stepmum to a 25 year old. I met my husband when his son was 8. We have been together for 16 years, married for 10. I have two bio-kids, aged 5 and 8. 

My SS is a lovely, hardworking, kind, funny person. He was a very easy, laid back kid. I always regarded myself as being very lucky in that respect. His mother was another matter. She is a troubled person with a very high conflict personality. Long (familiar) story short, she harassed us for over 10 years. We tried everything to get her to stop- DH went to counselling with her for months. When that didn't work he went to family mediation. Nothing worked, and if anything her behaviour got progressively worse. Over these (very traumatic years), I educated myself and my husband about high-conflict personalities and parallel parenting. Eventually, we started to use parallel parenting techniques, "grey rock" communication and avoided any face to face contact with her. This did improve the situation, and meant that she could no longer scream and rant at us in front of SS, which was good for his emotional wellbeing, but HCBM still persisted in her harassment of us, only stopping when finally he turned 18, left full-time education and we ceased paying her child support. Since the last contact (a flurry of abusive emails from her) we have not seen or heard from her.

My SS lives near to us with his girlfriend and comes over regularly to hang out with his little brother and sister, who adore him. I feel proud of my great relationship with him. Yes, he is naturally a good person, but also think I made good choices as a stepparent that have strengthened our relationship. All was good in our little world...until... 

About 6 weeks ago my SS came over for Sunday dinner, and while I was putting the kids to bed told his dad that his mum had been saying that she "wants to meet his little brother and sister". DH tactfully said to him that it was very unlikely that that would happen, that his mother had behaved so negatively that unless there was an acknowledgment of how she had behaved and apology to me, some sign that she really understood the impact of her behaviour and had now changed, we would continue to have no contact with her. He told him that we wished her well, and that we hoped that SS had a good relationship with his mum.  SS seemed to be accepting of that, just  saying that "he had a lot to think about".

I didn't know that this conversation had taken place, until a week later, when DH were on kid-free night away in London, out having having dinner at a restaurant and DH suddenly told me about it. The waiter bought my food to the table, and I couldn't eat it; my stomach closed up (Nice timing, DH- could've waited til after dessert, ha ha!). I felt so sick and stressed I was dizzy and  had to go and stand outside the restaurant and get some fresh air. I do not need or want that woman back in my life, and I don't want her around my children. They have a great little life, surrounded by loving family, and there is no room for her toxicity and conflict. I went back into the restaurant and told DH that. He agreed, but still the evening was ruined. We talked more the next day, agreed that we had to stick to "no contact". I thought that DH had explained the situation in a sensitive and respectful way to SS, and, altthough I felt stressed about it for quite a while afterwards, left it at that. 

On Friday I was at home alone with the kids in the afternoon, and went to check my mailbox. There was a hand-written, hand delivered note, addressed to DH and me. It was from HCBM. In it, she said that we had "been through a period that was stressful and difficult for all of us" and that she "wanted to apologise for her part in it". She said that she had "struggled to cope", was "someone who was trying to manage things" and "didn't always get it right".  "Our paths", she said, "were going to cross, as we have mutual friends, and most importantly SS." What could she do, she asked, to make things "more cordial" between us? Could we agree, she asked that if we saw each other we could at least say hello and there be peace between us? Could we minimise the "strress and anxiety" that SS might feel that his parents "weren't getting along?".

I put the letter down, went to the toilet and threw up. I was shaking. Rather than putting a stamp on her letter and mailing it, that woman had actually been to my house and put it  in my mailbox, which is incredibly intrusive. I'm not comfortable with her even knowing my address.  And the contents of the letter are, frankly, a fantasy. Yes, we have some mutual acquaintances as  she and my husband were at the same university  but we have had our own friends and social circle for many years now. Our paths have not actually "crossed" for 10 years, since we went to a friend's wedding, and she walked over to the table I was sitting at eating, pulled up the chair opposite me, turned it around and sat with her back to me, talking to one of those supposedly "mutual friends", who couldn't even look me in the eye. I made a choice then that if I knew that HCBM was attending an event that I would protect own mental health and happiness and not go. I have enough of my own friends and family and social life to enjoy, I don't need to put myself in distressing situations. And actually, it was never an issue. That was the last time that she was invited to something that we were also invited to. We have all moved on with our lives. Or so I thought.  And If we did happen in the future to bump into her, particuarly if SS was there, of course we would  swallow down our true feelings, smile and say hello- we are civilised people, and have no desire to embarrass the people around us or make SS feel uncomfortable. There is no issue with that, but of course she is doing what she does best: creating conflict where there is none. 

Most distressing to me about the letter though was the implication that somehow DH and I are causing SS "stress and anxiety" by choosing not to have contact with his mother. I know it's nonsense -he's 25 now, with his own home, career and relationship,  he is no longer that little 8 year old boy whose feelings DH and I had to so desparately protect, but still it presses those "stepmother guilt"buttons. I am trying to be rational, and reminding myself that he is an adult. and to be honest, how many adult children have separated parents and stepparents that all hang out together anyway? Even if there is friendliness and no toxicity, it's very unusual. I have always said that when SS gets married I will of course put on my hat and be the supportive stepmother at his wedding. When he has kids i will be a good "stepgranny" and  go to the christenings and  birthday parties and grit my teeth and smile and graciously say hello to his mother. Otherwise, I do not need or want to see the person who harassed me for a decade. It's as simple as that. I would have loved for us all to get along for SS's sake and spent a lot of time and energy trying to make that happen. When I didn't- couldn't - stop HCBM's high-conflict behaviours I went through a period of guilt and grief, beating myself up that somehow I had failed, that I (a classic "people pleaser") hadn't been able to "fix" it. I have worked through all of that. I now know that I could not control her choices. . I know I  did the best I could. 

This afternoon, SS is coming over for Sunday dinner. I sent him a message yesterday to say I'd had a letter from his mum and that we should have a talk about it. I'm feeling terrified. 

One of the boundaries I set myself as a stepmother was that I have never, ever said a negative word to SS  about his mother . I feel very strongly that children are not responsible for the actions of their parents and shouldn't be stuck in the middle of conflict. Also, as a stepchild myself, whose parents went through a high conflct divorce, I know that our parents are an important part of our identity. No matter how poorly our parents may behave, we don't want to hear negative things about them. For that reason, I've never spoken about his mum to him, other than to ask if she is well.  But at the same time, I cannot allow HCBM to once again affect the health and happiness of my family unit. I am also  certain that SS was never concerned about his mother meeting his younger siblings until HCBM brought the subject up. 

I've worked out what I'm going to say. I'm not going to go into petty details about the past, but calmly tell him that while I'm his stepmum, I am also a person in my own right and need to protect my own wellbeing and that of my family unit. That for a long time his mother behaved in a way that meant I had to set very clear boundaries and that I am not going to change my mind about that. That his dad and I  love him, and he and his mum love each other, and that is great, but he is my family- his mother isn't. That when he has a major life event- ie a wedding- we will be there to celebrate with him and of course be cordial to his mother, but that really is as far as any contact will go. I will talk to him as one adult to another. 

I *know*  that this is the right thing to do. So why do I still feel so anxious and scared? I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff. 

 

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Winterglow's picture

Pleae don't lose sight of the fact that your SS is an adult and has been for quite a while - he has been out in the world and knows is aware that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Give him credit for that Smile Personally, I would Gibbs-slap your husband for giving your SS false hopes of letting his mother meet his siblings. Stupid thing to do without talking to you first. Above all, you hold the key to all this:

"he is my family- his mother isn't"

And that is all that matters.Sh has no right to try to be best buds after all these years. Yes, I understand that she feels bad about the Hell she put you through but let her work that out with her counsellor or her clergyperson. YOU are not her therapist and you are not going to allow yourself to be used just so that she can feel better.

Make absolutely sure that he understands that yoiu know that there will be times when you are in the same place as her and that you fully intend to be polite, even cordial, with her and that you promise him you won't cause a scene.

Good luck - deep breaths.

tog redux's picture

It's unfortunate your husband said that a letter of "apology" might right things, because that set the stage for this. He should have told his son that BM harassed you both and made your lives miserable for years, and she will in no way now, or ever, be allowed to be part of you or your children's lives. Period.  So really - HE needs to be a big part of setting this straight, because he mishandled it.

Like many of us, you have been traumatized by your years of high conflict nonsense with BM, and there is zero reason to open the door to that again. People like her don't change - it's likely she has had a divorce or other life change and is revisiting the past, which people like her often do. She will not be any different than she was in the past, and your kids especially need no part in that. SS's wedding is the only place you should have to endure her presence in the future.  She's testing the boundaries and needs to find out they are still very strong.

I get the guilt, but do remember he's an adult, and if he doesn't already know the nonsense his mother has pulled, then in some ways you guys protected him TOO well.  By 25, it shouldn't have to be a big explanation as to why you aren't comfortable with her seeing your kids, he should know there is no love lost between all of you and not even consider the idea. My SS is 21 and he would never ask for us to do anything like that because he knows full well the answer would not be no, but HELL NO.

So it's time for SS to move into the next phase of maturity and look at what his mother has done with adult eyes, and without you two covering up for her to spare him. Do it before there are grandchildren involved and BM starts using them as weapons.

shamds's picture

Been together 8.5 yrs together and have a 4 & 5.5 yr old kids together. Skids are sd25.5, ss23 and sd almost 16.

there will never be a day ever that skids would be able to go "our batshit crazy hcgubm wants to meet our half siblings" because my husband will shut that shit down like a hurricane.

firstly my kids are not her family, she is not our family and skids have made it clear our kids (their half siblings) are only family for show to beag to inlaws that they're related to Caucasian people and upperclass (they're asian my skids and their dad).

i also find the bit in her note and so called apology where she apologised for her part in it which implies you guys caused issuee when all you did was avoid her toxicity and abuse and she decided to amp it up.

what i have found is their apologies aren't real apologies and just rant on wishy washy vague nonsense and its always "i'm sorry if i upset or hurt you" or "lets put our differences aside for our kids" when she can't list down "i'm sorry i abused and threatened you, i'm sorry i got physical with you etc" and they always have to fake a medical condition. Its to make you feel sorry and cave in.

hubbys exwife did the same bullshit and had eldest sd forward the text from her (hcgubm involved sd in private matters) so she could prove to brainwashed stepdaughter that bio mum was the good person in all this. My husband ignored these messages from sd which were always met with no response 

GrudgingSM's picture

You end saying you're scared, and that makes so much sense. Despite the trauma caused by this mother, you manage to have a kind and productive and lovely relationship with your SS. He has a bond with you and with his half siblings. Things are going well. You've had a chance to enjoy peace.

And now, just when you feel safe, this hag comes out of hiding and tries to mess with your happiness again. It makes complete sense that you would be scared and even Angry.

I think it's scary because she also clearly isn't over it. She is still clearly willing and able to mess with your life. That's scary. And it's scary because even though you have so many years of history with your SS, as you mentioned as a step child yourself, that bond isn't stronger than his bond with his mom, even if you have been a better person. Even with the very tactful ways that you have mentioned, he could still be upset and push you away. That's totally possible. that's scary too.

you sound like an incredibly kind and mature and thoughtful person, and you've described your SS as a really great kid too. I don't think 25 is too young to hear a measured and Boundaried response to his mothers request. In fact, if she is consistently intrusive, he might not even realize how poorly behaved that is because he behavior has been normalized to him over the years. Not that you have to say so, but maybe it could even help him realize he's allowed to have boundaries with his mother too. I don't know that he asked for this meeting in the first place because it's what he wants, but because it's what she wants, and he felt like he had to because he is a good guy/son.

I agree with you that it's the right thing. And I have a lot of hope that the conversation goes well and it is well received. And if it's not, I have a lot of standby hope that after thinking it over, your SS will understand. It is hard to place boundaries, but I totally agree that you need to for the safety and well-being of yourself and your family.

 

hereiam's picture

First of all, I agree that your husband should have not told his son that if his mother apologized, she might be let back into your lives, in ANY way. Certainly, there is NO reason for her to meet your children.

Second, I don't believe for a minute that she is sorry or regrets what she did in the past. Her letter of "apology" states: we had "been through a period that was stressful and difficult for all of us" and that she "wanted to apologise for her part in it".

This is very telling in that she is not really taking responsibility for her past actions, but is including you and your husband in the blame. According to what you wrote, she was the only one doing the harassing, the screaming, the being high conflict, but she cannot seem to take the responsibility, she has to spread it around.

And then, the guilt trip about causing SS stress and anxiety if his parents were not getting along. Please! He has probably felt less stress and anxiety since you've had no contact with BM than he ever did.

My SD is 30, I have been with DH since she was 5. BM was very high conflict and we, too, completely cut off contact once SD got married (which emancipated her) and child support stopped. We have never gone into specifics with her, but SD knows how high conflict her mother was. She still is, with SD, at times.

Unless your SS is a moron, he does not need the exact details laid out to him, just that she made things very difficult (which he knows, I'm sure) and that you would rather leave things as they are, no contact.

 

 

 

hereiam's picture

Yes, why are YOU the one having to have the conversation with your SS? It should be your husband.

He needs to tell his son, that on second thought, it would best to leave things as they are. No big speech required.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

First thing is you should be no contact with the BM. The SS is an adult and YOU aren't BM's ex. She has NO right to meet YOUR children nor intrude in your lives or your home. YOU have a husband problem he should have told his ex NO and blocked her number.

Your husband needs to be the one to have a talk with his son about the mother not you.

Bm in my stephell is bipolar and toxic and evil and I'm no contact with her and so is my husband. Their kid is an adult now. My husband would laugh if bm contacted him with some BS mea culpa and wanting to meet our kids and he would tell her no. Our kids know what a piece of shit bm is and would refuse.

Harry's picture

Your SS , BM want to meet your kids ?  I see no good reason for it on your part.  Woman put you through He*l now wants to play nice.  ?  BM has no friends? She burnt all her bridges?  Going to you because she has no one else.  She afraid of spending her holidays alone.

My answer is He*l  NO.  SS must of figured this out by now.  He wants his Happy Family.  All of you sitting around the table. You, DH, BM, him his family. Like a photo of a happy family.    That time is gone 

Kes's picture

Stick to your guns.  HCBM sounds very intrusive, manipulative and controlling in the way she is behaving.  Have nothing to do with her despite all her machinations.  SS is old enough to recognise and acknowledge that his mother is being a pain. 

JRI's picture

I applaud you for your mature handling of this situation.  Thank heavens your SS is an adult who is doing well.  I know you are nervous about your upcoming conversation with him, you must feel like you're walking a delicate line but "Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".  

As a 76yo SM, let me tell you there will be a number of occasions you will attend where BM will be present: weddings, showers, christenings, recitals, graduations.  If your BM is like mine was, even though she was a toxic, volatile witch, she mellowed into a caring grandmother, if still volatile until death.

Good luck.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Ignore her. Tell SS politely that things are just fine the way they are and you do not plan to make any changes. This woman has no need or right to ever meet your kids. There is no further need for you OR your husband to ever talk to her again. Not even for weddings or births or whatever parties she may look forward to so she can get whatever pathetic attention or drama she craves. Yep. Even for showers and such. Your DH was only obligated to communicate with her for necessary care of their minor child, and that is over. Over! 

Maxwell09's picture

BM is playing games to get back into the drama, I suggest playing nice but with boundaries:

Tell SS that you got BMs letter and it seems as though she wants a relationship with HIM and to also have civil encounters if and when you/dh and your family ever cross paths in the future which is fine. And while it was a nice gesture on her part, it will take time to get used to it after so many years of things being the opposite. As adults we get to decide to avoid any situations or people that make us feel uncomfortable, so if his mom starts to insert herself into DH's/Stepmom's life by inviting herself over or become disrespectful then yall will have to go back to the way things are now with no contact as it has been peacefull but maybe in the future once SS is planning his wedding or having parties for his children, it will be ok for you all to gather together for him. 

Then leave it at that....but be specific that you are only doing this continguent on his future ie weddings, birthdays, showers, childrens etc. Other than those scenarios, your paths will not cross with BM.

shellpell's picture

Op's DH should have made it clear when ss first brought it up that it was out of the question. Not make it sound like an apology blah blah would be required. He just opened the door to her. Keep the toxicity out of your lives. You have no obligation to allow her back in your life in any shape or form, no matter how SS feels about it.

Rags's picture

With SS , stick stricly to the facts.  Do not contact BM.  Shred the letter after you let DH read it.   
 

Focus on the relationship you, DH, your kids, and SS have as a family.  That does not include BM.  Keep it that way.