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How exactly did these "adult" sks turn out so horrendously and who played what role in that?

Anon2009's picture

I ask because reading about how many of these people were parented and raised, I just want to go back in time to when they were kids, shake the heads of the adults in their lives and scream, "how can you let them act like this? Can you not see the outcome!?"

forgotten wife's picture

"...or when the stepmother doesn't ever want to see their children's faces again because their children never learned how to treat people."

OMG! this is pretty much what i just told my DH in an email. a little more nicely but the gist is the same. i'm done with them, they are not my children, i will have a life, with or without you (a little more nicely than that but you get the picture).
all of this has come about because of their father and my MIL and SIL's (the aunts).

screw them. i have a family.

lucy51's picture

In my case, the BM was beaten by both her parents growing up, and as an adult, I believe had a serious personality disorder. If it still exists as a type, I would call her hysterical PD. A lot of yelling and verbal abuse, plus awful "games," where children were told to leave the car and she would drive off, not returning for an hour or so. She and my husband divorced rather early on. Dad felt guilty (and rather hopeless) thus no boundaries. Kids both grew into angry adults, daughter hysterical like her mom and son just downright frightening with anger. Was addicted to drugs and alcohol, but became sober so now is just a "dry drunk" scaring the living daylights out of people. For many years I felt tremendous sympathy for them, but ran out of that when they turned on me after husband died.

I don't believe kids are inherently evil. It's how they're treated and trained by parents. But a death can certainly push anyone over the edge, and in my case, I became the focus for their anger. I'd rather it be me, as much as it hurts, than my grandchildren.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

BM should have never had children-she has severe mental issues. DH met her when they were very young. He thought he could save her, and I think he was trying to save himself. Both of them had dysfunctional families. I asked DH how in the world he could have had 3 kids with BM (2 are only a year apart), and he said in the beginning, he did not see how bad it was. I think he wanted the "white picket fence." Shortly after the 3rd kid was born, BM began gambling. DH was working 6, sometimes 7 days a week to support his family. While he was working, BM allowed the children to do whatever they wanted. She would keep them quiet with fast food and small toys. DH is very mellow, but he did try to set boundaries, and BM fought him every step of the way. She and the kids became their own little army, battling DH. This is what they do today. I have never seen such cold people. They have NO compassion or empathy for others. I do not know how DH produced these kids, as they are nothing like him. As young adults, they refuse to work, or do anything productive. They call me terrible names.

I am not sure what else DH could have done, but what he did do wrong was enable-moreso after he and BM split. He blames himself for having kids with BM. My MIL was a major problem, and still is today. The woman really has no clue at times. She is nice, but she believes in coddling and enabling. I think there were times when she was enabling the most. Yet, the kids do not have any contact with her now. They have said horrible things about her, but she still thinks we should be supporting them, until "they wake up." We are not, and I know her panties are twisted because of that.

Sweetnothings's picture

I blame both parents, but my DH would not rock the boat at all..... So for all those years, around 18 since they divorced, he has been good enough to be ATM, good enough to do almost EVERY weekend and holidays , good enough to drive backwards and forwards ( lazy BM didn't learn, she's that lazy ! ) good enough to pay for ALL the extras, while BM didn't work for a good 12 years plus, good enough to be told the bare minimums UNTIL something bad happened and then it was ALL his fault and he should ride in and save the situation ( be the bad guy and tell off the skids, etc)

I saw this ALL happen and could do nothing.... I knew very early on that DH and I's parenting ideas were very different .....

Major guilty Dad syndrome here and now as skids are adults, I don't know what relationship he thinks is going to miraculously happen, skids live in a different country, hardly any contact, UNLESS he makes the first move, gee the gravy train is slowly pulling into the station, the money is stopping, what did he expect ??? The writing was on the wall years ago......

emotionaly beat up's picture

In my case it was poor well actually no parenting from both DH and BM. Apparently his children were never expected to say please and thank you. Were never allowed to answer for themselves. For example if they were asked how was school mum would answer for them and dad did nothing about that. They were never expected to do anything around the home. Dad would often work 12 days straight on call and then he'd mow lawns on his first day off. He had two sons both well and truly old enough to be doing the lawns but neither parent expected them to. His kids never wiped a dish. Then again they all pretty much lived on takeaway. The house was filthy. SIL tells a story of BM an DH staying at her house for the weekend when Sd was 17. Sd rang up and wanted a dress ironed. Dad drove mum home.....a 4 hour drive to iron a dress for Sd.

They were brought up by both parents to expect a free ride. The 2 boys never worked until they were in there twenties and then they had to because dad left. Yet they had been driving around in new fully insured cars and had cell phones. All paid courtesy of dad. The daughter was the youngest child and only girl. Dad is italian. There are not enough words to describe how spoilt and useless she was brought up to be. And of course of the three she is the one who treats her father the worst. The boys have nothing to do with him under her instruction. She however phones him every few weeks to remind him what a bad father he is. Now that's true he is. But she doesn't see he is a bad father for failing to teach his children independence manners and respect. She thinks he is a bad father because he won't hand over money and on top of the cash buy her things

We spent $800 on a washing machine for her when she moved into her new home. A few days after she moved in she was round here complaining she didn't like the fridge boyfriend had provided. She wanted one like ours. She kept on
telling daddy for almost a year how her fridge was not to her liking and she wanted one like ours. $2000 worth of fridge. She was royally p*#*d with ME when she didn't get it and rightly so. If daddy and mummy were still together. Not only would they have bought her the fridge and washer they would have done their utmost to provide her with the house.

She treats everyone the way she was brought up to treat people. She looks down on them and feels she is superior and more beautiful than other lesser mortals. She is selfish to the core and does not see herself as selfish, she is just getting what is rightfully hers So boyfriend has paid all the deposits on the house and although the mortgage is in both names he alone pays it. She buys the groceries and keeps her money separate. Biyfriebd hiwever has put her name on his accounts. See she has found another fool just lije daddy to provide for her. When mum died she and the older brother put the family home into the middle brothers name as he does not have a partner. That way they made sure their partners had no claim on THEIR money. Neither of them feel selfish ashamed or wrong in this. It's their money. What they get off their partners is their entitlement. The older brother did not work for years. His partner maintened steady employment and paid all the rent bills and food. They have been together 15 years and have two kids. This is how he was raised to treat people who have been good to him. They are all users and abusers.

You know what. They are just like their dad. He and his kids emotionaly abused me for 8 years till I banned her from my home. My husband I am ashamed to say will take whatever he can. But he will give nothing. I was sick for weeks. My daughter did a lot of my shopping and paid for a lot of it too. Yesterday I did some fruit and veg shopping for her. Somehow she apparently finished up with two extra pairs. I know this because DH counted the pairs. He went on and on over these pairs till I finally let fly. Easy to see why his kids have turned out the way they have. They are just like mum and dad