How to deal with a threesome? - DH, SS, and DIL from hell
I recently joined this site, although I found it several years ago when I was in complete distress. Before I married my husband, I was a successful, self-supporting, career woman. Two weeks prior to our marriage, I reluctantly signed a one-sided prenup and have regretted it ever since. We have subsequently spent thousands of dollars on lawyers and therapists in an attempt to rewrite this agreement, but it still remains unresolved after 8 years of marriage. In the meantime, my business has taken a serious downturn and leaving DH would jeopardize my lifestyle, health insurance, and ability to support myself in the way that I have always lived.At 70 years old this is not really an option. The question is : How do I mentally and emotionally cope with a man who is emotionally and financially married to his son? His son is married to a woman I refer to as a parasitic midget. His son is 6'5" and the wife is 4'11". The son might as well have a leash attached to his penis the way she drags him around. They now have two children. Although the parasite has professional degress, she hasn't worked full time since she got a ring on her finger. Although SS does very well, nothing is enough for her. In order to attain the lifestyle she demands, DH subsidizes their lifestyle. She plays up to DH as a pretty helpless little thing that needs to be taken care of. I am the mean and cruel one because I pretty much ignore her. DH doesn't defend me when she does outrageuos things such as: walking into my kitchen, pulling out my pots and pans (washing some because they are not "clean enough") and starting to cook the food that she brought for the grandkids to MY house ( as if I wouldn't have food for the grandchildren) without even asking me. Or, when my husband was in the hospital with only a hospital gown on, and I found her at the edge of his bed massaging his feet!!!!!! I walked in and yelled "What are you doing?"
Meanwhile, DH continually gives them money, defends the parasite, and sometimes excludes me or doesn't even share that he is going to visit them. I really need help managing this situation as it is taking a toll on my health and self-esteem. I realize that my problem is my husband - not the parasite. She needs to be the center of attention and the worst thing in the world to do is to ignore her - which is exactly what I do. Of course, she badmouths me to the rest of the family behind my back that I am "destroying" the family. HELP!
You are describing a mierable
You are describing a miserable mess, I feel your pain. I am not certain who owns the home, hopefully it is jointly held. If that is the case I would not want her coming in making herself at home with my kitchen, food, etc., without even asking. If she is cooking it can be in her own kitchen....This woman is gaslighting you, it appears. This is not atypical behavior, I have seen it in my own house with mine. They started going through my cabinets and using my personal items as their own, and none of it was necessary or thoughtfully asked ahead of time. They exhibited this terrotorial behavior until I told him they were not to come back in my house.. I am hoping you are coowner so you can tell your wimp husband that you will no longer tolerate this outragious behaviior by his brat (s), etc.
Your husband is your issue, without a doubt. Best thing to do is get these people out of your house and if DH has an issue with it he can go right along with them and support you and his adult kids, if he so chooses; you will however be entitled to your own support it sounds-- if he leaves you for his brats.
You signed a prenup
When many people marry later in life, their expectation is that assets go to their kids. Your DH communicated that to you
Seems to me that there are 3 people who depend on OPs DH
Not certain why the DIL's height matters.
Intrusion
This is an intrusion into your marriage. You wrote that DH is married to his son, then caters to the son's wife. You are not acknowledged as his wife. He allows his son and wife to steamroll all over you. This is a very common problem with skids. They assume because Daddy's house is their's but would never allow you to go into their home and take over.
My SD and her Husband did this - and I was the owner of the house. The only way I could resolve this was to ban SD from my home and give DH the choice of working on the marriage or leaving.
As you wrote, it is at present financially impossible leave if you want to live as you are now but is it possible to find a room mate or other avenue so you can get out of this toxic soup? If this were me I would see a lawyer and therapist on your own. Then you can gain the self-confidence to ask for what you deserve.
Oh, this rings a bell! My
Oh, this rings a bell! My SD58 also pulled this. She even wrote me a hate email telling me to move out and give our home to her Dadeeee....She lived one block up the street. We had been married 33 years at the time. We had acquired all joint properties by both of us working hard for 33 years.
Like your DH, Dadeeee....didn't have my back. I moved Dadeeee... up the street via Law Enforcement to join SD. Boy did I rock the boat! SIL was mad, he didn't want her Dadeee... in his home. Not my problem once I had him escorted out. 30+ years I was nice and tolerated my SD; then the email sent me over the edge.
My home is my home and everyone has no doubt who runs it, not even my DH.
Sorry you are being bullied. Put the brakes on it all. By the way I am also in my 70's. I have no intention of starting over at my age either.
Hugs...
Have you seen a
Have you seen a financial advisor and your own individual attorney so that you know exactly where you stand? Don't rely on joint professionals. Hire people who will have only your interest in mind. You may be in a better position than you think. Once you know where you really stand then you can make plans. You do not necessarily have to divorce but can separate living arrangements and finances. And if he did choose to instigate the divorce and terms of the prenup that are not advantageous to you, at your ages it would not be hard to drag out the proceedings long enough to make the issue irrelevant. High dollar divorces can last for years and years with little effort.
Agree she needs to see her own attorney
Yes, she certainly needs to consult her own attorney. One real issue is whether the prenup can be thrown out. Did she have her own attorney, did she have time to review the prenup (I realize she signed it two weeks ago, but we don't know long she and her attorney had it to review). If the attorney thinks that the prenup will be hard to shake, a drivorce without any arguement over money or kids can go pretty quickly. Even if the prenup is thrown out, she has to have an attorney advise on her rights in the even of DH's death v divorce. If he acquired all his property before the marriage (he is not so young either), she might end up with more upon his death. His age and health should be considered.
If the prenup is upheld, then her only option in NY is to claim she would be left destitute.
So that you understand........
I have owned my company for 30+ years. It was successful and well respected in my industry. Unfortunately, I made a significant investment in expansion and things did not work out as anticipated. In order to get the financing that was needed, I had to sign on the line personally. I have already spoken to lawyers and financial advisors on how to protect myself as best I can given my current business mess. I no longer have the country house but do have some retirement savings that can't be touched by creditors and am collecting social security. I am not destitute. As a result of my business difficulties, I am currently involved in litigation so I know all about lawyer's fees. These are my problems and my expenses which DH does not and should not share. It is very painful that after working so hard for so many years I will have little to show for it. The most painful part of what has happened is DH's lack of compassion. In life, things happen. I realize that what DH really wanted was a roomate - not a wife. As long as I was totally self-sufficient and he could put all his resources toward his son et.al. it worked. DH is quite comfortable. He continues to be very charitable does not give me one penny and won't even give me the peace of mind that I will always have a roof over my head. What kind of person treats his own wife this way?
Well my dad had a will and a
Well my dad had a will and a prenup and apparently all you have to is do like my dads wife did, go in the file box and destroy it and file that he never had a will. this was after we gave her copies that we have of the will and prenup. then her crook lawyer says no, those will and prenup is not good. your dad destroyed them.
A good, kind, decent, loving
A good, kind, decent, loving husband puts his wife first and does not forsake her for others, including his mooching son and parasitic DIL period. I totally get where you are coming from.
I'd consult my attorney to see what options I have.
good luck to you with everything.
how does he respond...
How does your DH respond when you express concerns over having a place to live after he passes? It's not like he has a small child - his son is grown, married, with his own large home and set to receive inheritance from DH. Is this a prime piece of real estate that he wants to keep within his son's family?
How about a compromise; his
How about a compromise; his son gets his estate but you are the sole reciepent of a large life insurance policy should he pass. This would be an even bigger win for you, no fighting, no estate/death taxes, probate, etc. Also you would be the supportive SM making sure that ss is getting what he is entitled too while CYA at the same time. Start taking charge of your life now lady!
I think you already know that
I think you already know that your real problem is your husband. His family is an easier and less painful target for your anger because it is easier for you to sleep at night thinking he is being influenced by them. The real real truth is that your husband is aware that upon his passing, you will be homeless and he is ok with that. I agree that knowledge would be difficult to live with. There are many Trusts out there that can assure that you are provided for after he passes and then assets would pass to his heirs upon your death. (QTIP Trust). Under your current circumstances I might be inclined to say f*ck him and live meagerly without him rather than live miserably with him. You might find a roommate, you might be entitled to his higher SS check as a divorcee, you might even find out what some never have the courage to find out... that you actually do hold the power over him once you aren't afraid of the consequences of losing your current life. Once you actually let go of the fear of many tomorrows without him and start to visualize a peaceful life with only the people you choose to associate with, that will give you the power back. Most men only choose what gives them immediate comfort and right now he knows you are stuck so he focuses his energies on his family, once you shift your mindset to leaving, he may see things differently.
70 is pretty young these days and you have many good years left. Don't settle... be brave enough to love yourself enough to get out. He has "told" you by his lack of actions where you stand in his life, listen to him.
They say the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago and the second-best time is today.
Thank you for your support
I want to thank everyone for all the ideas that you have given me. I have always been a strong person and a leader, but my present financial woes have caused me to be blinded by anxiety. Today I am meeting with a bankruptcy attorney to try to figure out a strategy of how to get out of this mess. After I resolve my business predicament, I will focus on my marriage. I deserve to have a loving supportive partner - not someone who can't give to me emotionally and financially when it won't compromise either his or his son's lifestyle. I have friends, and a very loving sister whom I can count on. I will never be out in the street. It's really sad that the man that I chose to spend my life with refuses to make my safety and security his priority. I probably won't get divorced, but I will lead my own life, do what I want to do, and truly be the "roomate" he really wants.
Good luck, and sending hugs.
Good luck, and sending hugs. Keep us posted.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the partner you thought you had. But once you get your inner strength and confidence back you’ll feel a heck of a lot better, and then make the best decisions for YOU.
I Agree, Consult With An Attorney Who Is In Your Corner!
We have similar parallels.
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