I totally understand how you feel, my partner's 29 year old daughter is exactly the same, she wants her father around all the time even though she recently got married. My partner runs around after all the time, she is very manipulative and it really drives me nuts. She is constantly on the phone to him and I told him she needs to move on and be supported by her husband now. The other day I was quite pleased, because for the first time - he actually said the same to her.

Why not cut to the chase. Sometimes men are unable to deal with the emotional crap. Ask him if he wants to be with you or his daughter. It is sad she does not have her mother around anymore however many many people go through life without a deceased parent and do not destroy their remaining parents attempt at happiness. I would suggest he spends 1 weekend day a month with his daughter and her family. Just one. Saturday or Sunday. If she gets the first Saturday of the month then she sits out 3 more weeks before she gets her next day.

The other option would be to tell your DH that you will move out so he can have the relationship she wants with his daughter. He can live alone for a few weeks and see if this is the life he wants. Don't make it about you but about his happiness. I bet he is alone for 3 days and he will beg you to come back. Then you can lay down the law. All you are doing is stepping aside to reduce the stress in his life. And of it all plays out differently, at least you have your answer.

Disengage from sd/gsd and focus on the marriage the two of you have. DH took the time to take care of you so he's a good husband and obviously loves you. If SD calls or comes over and starts talking about her saintly deceased mother then just politely leave the room. She sends him anniversary wishes, cards; "Oh how nice" and slip them into the bottom drawer of his desk. Like most couples I'm sure you talk about skids but if they're becoming a point of contention then you're talking about them too much. I'd suggest keeping those conversations very short, positive and then change the subject. Someone on this site had mentioned making skids a sideline in your relationship rather than the main event, good advice!

SD/gsd are both DH's to manage and deal with. If SD wants to live in the past and drag her father back to their happy family times there's not much you can do except kiss him on the cheek and see him later. Does gramps really want to have sleepovers w/his 5 yr old granddaughter? Has he jumped on the opportunity or does he keep putting SD off? Just asking because my DH wouldn't be so keen on babysitting his grands overnight. He likes for them to visit for an afternoon or evening and then have them go back home w/their parents. Again this is his issue to deal with, if DH does have gd5 sleep over then make sure he does all the care and entertaining while you smile sweetly and keep redirecting her to gramps.

I'd stop arguing w/him about SD at all, she should be given the importance of a faint aquaintance in your life. if he wants to spend all his time w/them then let him go. If he needs sleepovers w/gd5 great, have at it honey. The issues start arising when skids and SM act like DH is some prize to be won. "Oh boo hoo I'm in the middle of everyone fighting over me, I'm so special what to do?!" is the cry of DH's who are enjoying the newfound attention.

Think dog training, throw him treats and a bone when he's a good husband, praise, stroke the ego and have fun together. Leave him on his own w/his familial relationships.

Second best: Please read and re-read "still learning"'s advice here.

I have been in this similar situation for 37 years; it began just as yours. In my case BM is very much alive and active, Ugh.... I never said anything to my DH for years; but he didn't like babysitting or sleepovers, because they were his duty, I didn't encourage or become a babysitter. I had a career and would not do it. I had to go to work daily and our weekends were usually on the go too. We are now retired and enjoying life.

Please take the "disengage" advice. Just be civil, never have words with DH nor SD, it will only cause problems in your marriage. In 37 years, I have NEVER had a harsh word with my SD56. I detest her, have been disengaged for eight years now, and totally ignore her. I am civil when she visits, but go about my daily routine and leave the room, when BM is brought into the conversation. My SD hates my disengagement, silence, and the fact that I could care less if she exists. SD has tried everything to interfere in our marriage and now is making DH suffer for staying with me, after she ask him to divorce me. I NEVER discuss or ask about my Step-family, I don't care and never want to hear about them again. The silence has kept them away from me; they are welcome to visit DH anytime, any place. Now my SD56 is not visiting DH, only texting him; she is going to show me. LOL...I love her absence and hope it continues. With that said, it is her choice, I have never told her she could not come visit DH or take him on a vacation, if they so wish.

I am very sorry you have to endure this, but there are many of us here on this site that are doing very well, only because we let it go and have a life of our own, where Skids are void. Stay here to vent and ask advice. That's what we are all here for and will be happy to relieve you of your frustrations.

Also keep in mind, even when you disengage and move forward, you are going to have days when this rears it's ugly head to haunt you. The trick is to keep moving forward and continue to ignore your SD.

((((hugs)))

The fact that he is torn between sd and you is not good. You should be first unless sd has an emergency and needs immediate attention. I also went through the same thing. In the end dh felt it was more important to be a father than a husband and he divorced me. I tried what ever I could to change the situation of ss wanting to always be with his father and calling all day long. If ss could not get ex first thing in the morning, he would alternate calling the house phone and his cell phone every 20-30 minutes until he reached him. I now hate to hear the phone ring.

What did I do to try to change the circumstances, I would take day trips to NYC by myself, go on overnight trips by myself to the coastline, go to the movies by myself anything I could find to keep busy when Dh chose to spend weekends with ss. Towards the end dh would insist that I participate when his ds would come to visit with him to watch sports together. After 25 years together as soon as ss entered the door, Dh would tell him to say hi to me because he would not greet me. He would then greet me with a "hey", and then ignore me the entire time. I should have done the same, but no I had to be friendly. My advice when your sd visits, say "hey" and ignore her. If your dh wants to cater to her wishes, take off and do something fun for yourself such as go to the movies. My dh resented the fact that I went to the movies without him. However, he did nothing to change the situation.

If your dh wants to treat his dd like a little girl, let him, however remember to also let him handle any issues he has with her by himself. Do not listen to stories about her or his concern about her. Just make up something and leave his presence when he does. Try to leave before she gets there or just go about your business. She is a nobody to you, please learn to treat her that way. She is a parasite that is sucking the life out of your marriage and you. Treat her as such.

If you can imagine, my dh would actually get teary eyed when he described his ds not being able to see correctly. His ds wore glasses and refused to wear them, that is the reason he could not see well or, ss joints hurting, when someone weighs over 300 lbs, is short, does not ever exercise, of course the joints are going to hurt when he does anything the requires exertion. Yet, dh would get emotional over ss condition and want me to also feel sorry for him. Ugh!!!

He even had his ds apply for social security disability twice. He was denied! So now he is taking care of his baby boy.

Do not let the parasite that is trying to attach herself to your marriage win. Even though I am not with dh now it was so liberating not to have ss in my life. You can do this, she is really nothing to you and she is trying very hard to affect your marriage.

I also recommend disengaging. Don't discuss her with your DH. You can, though, discuss how YOU feel. "When we don't spend any time together on the weekend, I feel unimportant. I'd like to plan to spend Sunday afternoon together, just the two of us." Or whatever. Note that is about how you feel and what you need, not at all about SD. When discussions of the dead wife come up, gracefully find something else to do in another room and ignore.

I had an experience of being STUCK in a room when SD went down first family memory lane--for like four HOURS. I lost it on DH for being actively excluded, and not even allowed to contribute to the conversation (I tried and was literally told to be quiet while they laughed at all their stories). They were replaying an old script that I wasn't a part of and they weren't willing to rewrite it. Hasn't happened again. DH now steers those conversations back to present day after a couple of minutes. I truly don't mind the reminiscing, but when it goes on all damn day and I have no way to escape or engage it is just rude.

Fortunately for me, my DH has learned how to be a good a partner. We went through a couple rounds of hell to get here, but now we both take care of each other first. I feel heard and loved, which was not always the case. And my relationship with the skids is improving too.

I'm sorry, but what an a$$, "He is torn between myself and her and he doesn't know what to do." Who is he married to--you or his daughter? These are two different relationships. Children are expected to grow up and take care of themselves and be on their own. Our spouses are the ones who are with us as we age. Any DH who thinks he needs to chose is full of himself or trying to make himself the center of attention. You treat your adult child like an adult and your spouse like a spouse.

Eureka!!! I finally get it! About 90% of the problems between SM and SKs are due to dumb DHs and bitter BMs. Both SKs and SMs are victims of what happens when a couple of idiots divorce.

I have been disengaged from SD27 for about 2 years now, best decision I ever made. In my case it also broke the cycle of DH pampering to her every whim. To be honest I am not sure how this happened or evolved as I disengaged, but I suspect DH , without my support as he'd had in the past, got sick of doing everything for her on his own and starting saying NO.

My SD is definitely jealous of my 53 yr. marriage with her dad and she used to always complain about not having enough time with him. What I failed to recognize is that spending time with him was merely an excuse to weasel money out of us behind my back. Not accusing all SDs of this.. never the less it was, and still is somewhat, my story. These days time spent with dad is time also spent with SM.

Callmedone your sd must hate that you are always present. It really takes internal fortitude to confront the devil head on!

enuf, they mistook my kindness for weakness. Or perhaps perceived it as ignorance.. after all I did try HARD. In the end, that was their mistake.

Don't you love it when you see the moment in their eyes when they realize that they completely misjudged you and instead of the weak mousy person they thought you were, you were really a lioness in disguise. You were only playing a came with them, and they thought they were the cat batting the mouse around, when in fact you were really the cat batting the mouse around. I just love those moments.

My ex had friends and the wife used to introduce me to people and say "she is a very passive person" it was meant as a character flaw of mine, as I do not come across aggressively, as she thought all women should be. She used to flaunt that she was a school bus driver (nothing against bus drivers) and maybe if I was good enough I could also be like her, as she saw herself better and more accomplished than me. Imagine her surprise when I received a fellowship at a good University for a graduate degree. I loved that minute when I told her what my plans for the future were. She actually squirmed a bit.

Thank you all for the validation and support. You can't possibly know how much I appreciate it. My story is truly ugly, ongoing, involves my state's Department of Aging (multiple attempts of financial exploitation ie. trying to get to our money before I and our children together inherit it after a 50+ yr. marriage)and is unique enough that I'm not comfortable sharing it here in that it would be easy for other people involved to recognize. I found this article (or one similar) on this website and found it to be so helpful in explaining and defining the events that finally led to me literally changing my entire approach to stepmothering. Which ultimately translated to total disengagement and becoming a hardcore warrior defending myself and my children. This change was hard and I miss the innocent, trusting part of myself. But without any doubt whatsoever this change WAS necessary. sandye21, I haven't actually caught up enough to the point where I've been able to enjoy any success I may have had in enjoying their recognition that they've completely misjudged and underestimated my resolve. These days all I feel is indifference toward all of them. And I'm absolutely enjoying not giving a damn anymore. Wish I had time to share all of the lessons I've learned traveling this long difficult road. There are many and they're important and I will share them eventually. But for now.. overall, perhaps the most relevant lesson that I've learned (the hard way which I definitely don't recommend lol) is that "the best defense is a hell of a good offense". So now.. whatever they throw at me.. I watch, I wait, AND I AM READY. Again, thank you to all. All those troubled years alone with this.. incredible feeling knowing you 'get it'.

"Second wives are prime targets for relational aggression, particularly when they are married to men with older teens or adult daughters. There are often other adult females working behind the scenes to participate in and encourage the aggression, such as the biological mother, mother-in-law, sister-in-laws, cousins, and nieces. Some stepdaughters model behaviors they’ve seen other adult females in their families use.

Once the relational aggression gets started, it can become the norm if the children were never taught appropriate behavior.

Motives for this aggression often include jealousy, fear, a desire for control, and hopes of derailing the competition.

Typically the target is on her own. Nobody in her husband’s family is going to come to her aid. Even if some family members don’t agree with the tactics being used, there will be little motivation for them to side with the stepmother and risk their existing relationships with their family members.

Often stepmothers feel disconnected from their husbands over these issues and have difficulty finding support from their friends who don’t deal with the conflict involved in stepfamilies. However, familial support is always available to stepchildren as they are allowed to dislike and resent their stepmothers.

It can be very difficult for a stepmother to change the dynamics in her family since the behaviors are easily denied. Covert hostile behavior is used to send messages to the target so that she knows she is being ostracized but would have a hard time proving it. It leaves the target with no way to defend herself without escalating the aggression and being branded as a trouble maker. The character assassination gets worse as she is accused of trying to cause problems between her husband and his children, of being jealous of them, being paranoid or having emotional problems.

Part of what makes relational aggression so appealing to women is how it brings them closer together. Badmouthing the second wife serves as a bonding ritual. It makes them a part of a group that they know the stepmother will never be a part of, giving them exclusive power to decide her fate in their family.

Family events can be miserable for stepmothers. Graduation ceremonies, Thanksgiving, weddings, Christmas, birthdays, funerals and vacations all serve are more opportunities to further isolate and shun the second wife. With no support, the lone stepmother is free game at these events to the collective group of aggressors.

The effects to the target can be devastating. Women can become depressed, withdrawn, develop anxiety, experience problems in their marriages, have difficulty with intimacy, question themselves, lose their self-respect and have a lowered self-esteem. Some have even reported physical reactions to relational aggression such as headaches, stomach pains, and loss of sleep.

The family members who use relational aggression to inflict pain will often continue their behavior until their target stands up for themselves, they no longer have contact with the target, or a person (hopefully the husband) of authority steps in and forces change.

For many stepmothers, confrontation is a scary proposition for a variety of reasons such as fearing that their husbands will side with the children, fear of divorce, or fear of facing the in-group’s retaliation. If a stepmother has children with her husband, protecting herself from his family’s covert war games might not be worth the possible split of her immediate family.

For those whose husbands are too reluctant to step in, disengaging is often a stepmother’s last resort. Removing herself as the target may mean her husband goes to his family events alone. Rather than seeking inclusion into her husband’s family, the second wife may stop trying or caring if her husband’s family accepts her.

Having peace, finding her self-respect, loving herself and prioritizing the things that bring joy to her life, her family and her marriage may become more important to her than attending family events where she knows she will be shunned.

Stepmothers are people too, who have the right to remove themselves from hurtful or abusive situations."

At times, the thoughts of jail seemed like a haven, instead of what I was experiencing at home. I still cannot believe what I endured for the sake of making sure that I continue to treat a man child, as a man child, who for heaven sake now has streaks of white hair. Who ever saw a baby with white hair!

Sammi that is why the Amish treat shunning and silence at the ultimate punishment.

I have to now apply it to my ex and make him a non-person. I still remember the day when my mother was in the car with us as we were meeting ss at a restaurant. I had purchased a small xmas gift for ss, a t-shirt. When we got to the restaurant we parked next to ss car, he was in the restaurant. My ex looks at me and says "I want you to bring the gift in and hand it to him". I said "no" I will just hand it to him when we get out as we are parked next to him. My ex, in rage, yelled at me and slammed his fists on the steering wheel in such anger. I was so embarrassed that my mother witnessed what she did.

I am a senior citizen for pete's sake and my dh is yelling at me for not bringing a gift into the restaurant for his middle aged precious baby. Granted, it would have been easy for me to bring the gift in. The tone to dh's request and his reaction changed something in me that day, and that day and I started to say "no".

I am here to remember, and to reinforce why I will never live that way again, especially now that ex is trying to sniff up my skirt again. I appreciate all the support, it is working!

enuf, that emotionally charged attack you experienced in your car was emotional abuse pure and simple. I'm not pushing books, however, I personally have learned a lot through Lundy Bancroft's work with abusers. http://lundybancroft.com/books/

sammigirl, I've not had 'words' with my SD 57 either. However, I have blocked the financial exploitation she has repeatedly attempted and prevented she and her BM from getting into our personal business and finances. And I'm certain she is more than ready to explode over this turn of events. The department of aging has also flagged all of our financial accounts for any sign of unusual transactions. This level of transparency has made any contact with our family extremely uncomfortable for her. I've found that with people, such as our SDs that exhibit such a strong sense of 'entitlement' and greed, the truth, justice, and transparency tend to be their enemies. Without deceit and deception, they simply are not able to carry on and function as usual. For way too many years the status quo very nearly killed me. That had to change. And somehow, against what felt like insurmountable odds, I managed to initiate the change. Protecting my own children was a huge factor in my ability to do it, but I did it and will continue to do so. This site has also strengthened my resolve. And most likely helped keep me out of jail as well lol. Through reading these stories I've realized that SMs will take a lot of abuse in a desperate attempt to keep the peace. But the peace we think we're achieving comes at a horrific price and is NOT genuine peace. These days, should my SD insist on a war of words I am ready. And I suspect she knows that.

Ha, replying to my own post here. Anyway.. referencing the article I posted: the suggestion to not attend family events with DH. If you are an older SM, I personally do not recommend allowing DH to have alone time or communications with SD and/or BM. Especially if you suspect either of them have shown that they have a hard, cold eye on your DHs will and finances. Stepping aside and allowing 'alone time' is exactly what landed me in such a mess in that little did I know the shenanigans that were going on behind my back. And do NOT trust your DHs ability or fortitude in standing up to such influence and shenanigans. I don't plan to ever again and I'm guessing that, while there may be exceptions, most, if not all, DHs simply don't have the gumption to set boundaries and hold their ground when confronted with such overwhelming influence and manipulation.

Callmedone thank you I just ordered the book. I know that ex was abusive, however it saddens me that he is experiencing what I experienced by the hands of his own ds. No parent in their senior years should have to live with the abuse of their children.

Second best, I'm sorry, but I just noticed your user name. If you honestly perceive yourself as "second best" you might want to re-think where you are in this relationship. I think my own perceptions of myself as being "not as important as" the first wife (probably due to the fact they had children together)and my twisted belief that it was my responsibility to keep the peace and please everyone that ultimately led to my being treated so disrespectfully and in some instances literally abused. In short, my kindness and willingness to take a back seat to everyone else's needs set me up for so much completely unnecessary mistreatment. These days I never think of myself as second best (which in reality I never was and neither are you!), but as an upgrade, wifey 2.0. It's horrible your SD lost her mother. I can so easily relate in that I lost my father when I was six yrs. old. I can even recall how terribly needy I was following his death. But that said, your SD needs to seriously work on her own neediness in that it will create untold problems for her throughout her life, if she doesn't address the situation now. Your partner will never be able to spend enough time with his daughter to fill that black hole. This is work only she can do for herself.

Idvilen your insight is so profound especially in your statement "It is all about getting "your money for nothin' and your chicks for free."" In the majority of the posters I have read about sms are going way above and beyond what a normal person would do to please dw and dh, and the ones to benefit from the kindness are the skids, and yet they want you to give and give and get shit in return.

I am so burned out from that mentality, as I experienced it greatly from my ss. It has affected my life as a single person, as I see it so readily and it seems so pronounced and that people think nothing of it. Then I think that maybe I am too sensitive about it because I experienced it so much when I was married. My antennas go way up as the slightest indication of persons trying to screw me for $1.00. I hate that I have become this way and I am sure many of you have also become jaded because you see your skids acting like parasites.

My current lesson now is to learn to be the trusting person I once was and I even wonder if it is at all possible. I know that if I meet a male with adult children that I will not be immediately forthcoming and friendly. That I will wait to see how the adult children will respond to me before showing any overt signs of friendship and kindness.

Many of you have crossed the threshold where you refuse to show kindness to the skids and there is no turning back. Your line is firmly ensconced in the sand after years of abuse, and it will be with you until your last breath. That line is embedded in my soul and will affect all subsequent relationships concerning adult children. I will be starting off disliking them until they show me otherwise. It saddens me to know that there is a part of me that has become brittle and unrelenting, and I wonder if it is reflecting in my face, and if it is as visible as the color of my eyes.

Do you wonder, if your skids now see your dislike of them the moment they lay eyes on you, so much so that you do not have to utter a word for them to know how you feel. Towards the end of my marriage, I knew that my dh could see it the moment he would lay eyes on me when it came to how I felt about his ds, and no matter how much I tried to change it, so that it would not upset him, he could sense it with every breath I took, no words were necessary.

Do you wonder if that brittleness developing like a callous over part of your soul, because of the skids, will also lead to the demise of your marriage?

Sorry, hit send without finishing.

Second best, I sense your pain and the fear that you are experiencing because of how you sd is affecting your marriage. I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you are. Your dh wants you to behave in a way that does not honor your soul and you are tormented by it. As many have said the key is disengagement, or better yet look to nurture yourself only, you do not owe any other adult including your dh a part of your soul. You do not need to dishonor yourself to please your sd who gives a rats ass about you. She is playing a game of chess with you, do not play with her. She is not worth your time and energy. Your dh is thinking that he has to play her game and there is nothing you can do to stop him. Eventually, when he sees that you are not joining in, he will get the strength to also let go. You have to show him through your strength and actions how to do so, as he has played her game forever, and has not had a role model to do otherwise. You have to be that role model, let go and disengage, live in peace and honor your soul.

Idvilen, sadly, you've nailed it. Our culture has increasingly become toxic for all of us. And like you any thoughts I have regarding how we've gotten to this place is purely guesswork. But I suspect the media has had a major influence and impact. As has the Internet. People have lost all sense of what is and isn't appropriate to write online. Some of the attacks are horrendous. Probably because the cowards who write such things feel a degree of security due to being hidden behind a monitor. So many have entirely lost any sense they may have had of restraint. Of course, many of our political leaders and our political climate over the past couple of decades aren't helping the situation either. Unfortunately, we've become an extremely harsh, critical and sometimes heartless society. That said.. I believe it's most likely always been an open season on SMs since time immortal.

enuf, I will never again put myself in the position of being a SM. If there is a more thankless job out there I've yet to find it. At this point in my life, I don't need or want those complications or potential grief. Once is/was enuf!

I found this site looking for insight regarding my own situation. Many of your stories are heartbreaking. I have been in both roles, stepmother and adult stepdaughter more recently. I can honestly say my role as stepmom was hard, difficult and one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. My SS is now an adult with a son of his own and truly a great guy. Was the road without difficulties, not even close. Would I change anything today-of course. Looking back over the years, there are many situations I would have handled differently. I realize I have been blessed that my SS and I have a great relationship today and that our bio son and my SS are brothers in every sense of the word. I always thought that having that experience would make me understanding in the role I'm in today as an adult with an elderly parent who remarried. My mother passed at 82 with ovarian cancer. My father was devastated naturally as we all were. At any age I don't think you are ever prepared to lose a spouse or parent. My parents were active, involved and mobile - no one would ever guess they were in their 80s. Dad had no desire to move from his home to be closer to us (only 45 minutes) and I couldn't blame him-it was their dream home and it was our responsibility to help him. We did and he remarried very soon after moms death. That was not unexpected, he was happy in his marriage and wanted it again. He married a younger woman who he had known a few months. I met her once and two weeks later they were married. I have no idea what he knew about her background etc before they married- he was not forthcoming and he had made his mind up. They have been married 4 years now and it has been difficult. I was allowed to move my mom's personal items from the home the weekend they got married. She moved into the house and we were receptive but guarded. I had spent 4 hours total with her before they married and she had not met my family because there was no time before they got married. Not sure why that was, but neither my father or her felt that was a big deal. Fast forward to today, it's not good. Really, no interaction with family, no interest in invitations from us - we are expected at Christmas and that is it. I received the new will in the mail, a financial power of attorney naming his wife as POA over all dads finances and property, medical POA naming his wife to make all medical decisions and a quitclaim deed for me to sign on his house. I called my dad and he said that I should not sign the deed - the house had passed to me upon mom's death (we never knew) and to leave it alone. He said she had all these prepared, he didn't read them but signed them. This was 1 year into the marriage. The documents leave everything to her but the quitclaim deed must be executed so she can have the house as well. In the meantime she cancelled his long term care policy because she was the POA and it went up $200 a year. My father was an insurance executive who was adamant about long term care insurance as he never wanted to be in a nursing home. I should mention that dad is now 90 and not in great health. She monitors his calls, no family visits without her presence and only at their house. By respectiing his decision on the house, it created a nightmare- he didn't tell her he instructed me not to sign and now I am the greedy child who doubts their love and has an evil heart - direct quote from her email. Quite frankly, I would love to sign it to not be in this situation. When I see the disengage posts, that is what I want to do. Dads short term memory is shot and she has told him his family has abandoned him and we are awful. Last. month, she got her sister to buy her a house in FL and then threw a fit because I wouldn't sign the house over so she could sell it and pay her sister back. Again, dad said no- he was not moving and wanted to stay in his home. I am torn- I love my father but his choices have created much heartache in my family. He hasn't been honest with her about his wishes and her actions appear to be all about the money. We want a relationship with my father, period. He has a great grandchild he has seen twice. So yes, I understand wanting to disengage from the whole "step mother" relationship I want it probably more than she does. I want to believe if I give her the house I will be allowed to see my dad. In my heart, I know this is a mistake but this mess is not my making. He was not honest with her and she has not been upfront either. No good answer I know, but not all adult steps are monsters-some of us would like a relationship with our parent without all the drama and worry. As adults, we can be cordial to each other but sometimes a relationship with an adult parents new partner is not in the cards. It is not great or the desired solution but I am at a loss as to why the former family must go away. Blame is on both sides-not just on the kids.

We want a relationship with my father, period."

If this is the case then why is the bulk of your email all about how SM is taking advantage of your father? Did you ever stop to think that maybe your father lied to his new wife and promised her the moon just to get her to marry him? In reality he had no intention of giving her the house even though he may have told her otherwise and now you're the one being scapegoated. You only have your father to blame for this since he was not forthcoming to her.

Sounds like he duped a younger woman into taking care of his old aging arse so you don't have to. He never wanted to move closer to you and your family but now you're saying there's little interaction yet you are invited for xmas. Exactly how much interaction is your elderly father in ill health and probably doesn't want to travel supposed to have w/you and how much effort are you putting forth? It sounds like things are *difficult* because you and your father are in cahoots while he's being untruthful to his wife who he put in charge of all his affairs.

Disrestep,

Thanks, for positive thoughts on dad-much appreciated. I probably wasn't clear on the house. Since, he is opposed to me signing it over that is what I will do until he changes his mind. Also, with the lack of ready cash and no long term care insurance- it is probably prudent to keep it available for him to liquidate or put a mortgage on it to allow him to have access to cash should health care costs be needed. My wishes would be he communicate this to his wife rather than let me be the bad guy in her eyes. You are also correct, he did sign the will in front of her attorney of his own free will. Refusing to read it was totally his decision. As far as the POA, it was not mutual- only one on him. As he didn't read anything, he does not believe this document exists.

When I married my ex, after the marriage he insisted that I sign a document that I would not challenge his will as he was leaving all his money to his ds. I signed it. I also signed a prenup so that his money was protected. From then on, for a large part of our marriage, if I suggested going out of town for a night etc. he would respond that it was his ds money he would be spending should we go, and he did not want to do that. Mind you we were together for 25 years. It was such an issue. In the meantime, he was paying his ds rent, bought him a new car, and so forth. Even the last year we were together he and his ds shared a safety deposit box that I had no access to, or even knew what was in it.

My ex's attitude about his money, that he deemed was his ds's money, changed after he gave him $150,000 for his retirement and ds spent it in 2 years. However, nothing in that house could be mine. Not the tv set he gave me as a xmas gift, special curio cabinets he gave me as a gift, nothing was mine other than my clothing according to him. All our furniture was from the thrift store and when I wanted a larger bed he went on craig's list and bought a used one. In the meantime his ds has ex's credit card to spend on whatever even a new tv. It also made me suspicious when in the last year, right before he divorced me, he gave his ds a key to the house in front of me, without asking me. He then took his ds on a vacation. That is when it hit me, that his ds was the mini-wife and that he always came first and foremost.

When I signed the documents that I did, I did so knowing that my ex had worked hard for the wealth that he accumulated, and if he wanted to leave it to the crow on the branch it was his right to do so. I was with him because I loved him and no other reason. Now I wish I had done things differently, however there is a fine line as to what one does regarding integrity and morals. At the end, I walked away with very little, with what I could fit in my car.

The way you portray you sm is that she is a gold digger and that she purposely married your father to inherit what he has. Maybe she is. However, your df can always change the will and POA should he want to. However, as his wife I do believe she is entitled to part of his estate in some states.

You holding on to the house, is definitely your choice, and considering how sm is trying to bully you into signing over, that would be a deal breaker for me and I would absolutely refuse. The reason that you are refusing to do so, in order for your df, should he need medical care later on, is commendable. They have the use of the house, so what does it matter to sm whether you sign it over or not. It is not as if you are booting them out so that you can sell it and keep the money, which is certainly in your legal right. In my opinion you are doing the right thing although it will continue to rear itself every time sm has the idea that she wants the house. My suggestion is to also disengage from her. As it is you spend absolutely little to no time with her or df as it is. It does not sound as if she wants a relationship with you. Just disengage and hold on to the deed.

Gabby, your father's isolation is a major red flag and concern. Sadly, at ninety your father very well could be experiencing cognitive decline, which is absolutely normal as we age. The fact that he told you to ignore signing the paperwork related to the home is also concerning. As well as your SMs dramatically speedy interest in.. and actions regarding his will and finances. Honestly, under the circumstances, I would call your state's adult protection services and inquire about an investigation. Your dad's age is a factor at this point, as is the undue influence your SM appears to be exerting. Imo, nothing should have been changed regarding his finances and his will (and certainly not the status of his long-term insurance)this early in his second marriage. Disengage from the SM, but not your dad considering how vulnerable he is due to his advanced age. Your SM is most likely intentionally isolating her dad.

Thanks for that. What happened to you is sad and wrong. You had integrity, morals and respect. It doesn't make it hurt less but I wish you every success there is. These days more than anything, it makes me sad that people are so mean. I hope you have friends and family that lift you up and keep a smile on your face! Remember, a complete stranger thinks you are awesome - so you can be proud to be you!

disrestep, over the years my DH has allowed me (or perhaps set up might be a more accurate term!) to be his fall guy. And I too have been blamed for his disengagement and his failure to 'respond' in a way that suits their 'purpose'. For decades I tried to make it all work and ended up being abused in the process. Now I honestly am done with the entire twisted, money grubbing mess.

RE Gabby's dad.. I'm amazed no one has stated the obvious here in that there probably is a pretty good chance her dad's new wife is more interested in his will and death than she is in his life, in light of the fact she jumped all over his finances and will within their first year of marriage. Too, I doubt very many women marry an older person so they can be a caretaker to their elderly husband's increasing medical and mental health needs. Gabby's father should have probated her mother's will. Period. Wills are as straight forward as it gets and are intended to prevent something similar to an Oklahoma land grab. People go to the trouble and expense of creating wills for a reason.. to ensure their wishes are carried out following their death. In my state, a will has to be probated within 30 days following a death and property HAS to be distributed exactly according to instructions stated in the will. Gabby's dad has done her no favors in this and I can only imagine her mother would be broken hearted knowing her husband of 60 yrs. failed to follow through with her final wishes. I know for a fact I would be. Too, I can't imagine signing papers I haven't read. Especially papers related to my children's inheritance. Either he is suffering from some sort of cognitive decline or he was simply so selfish regarding his own wants and needs he placed himself and his desires above his child. Of course, it's his money and he can do what he wants with it, including marrying someone that appears to be more interested in his money than him. That said.. he definitely did dishonor his first wife by not following through with her wishes.

"I'm always suspect when an adult SK, who hasn't spent much time with dad or SM, suddenly takes an interest when the topic of money comes up." You are definitely singing to the choir here lol. My SD has not been a part of our lives for years and in reality, doesn't even know us and our thoughts regarding finances. Yet, she appears to believe we're interested in giving money away! We are not and we haven't. We're not wealthy, however, what we do have WE earned in a thousand different ways over many, many years. And what we DO with it is our business and ours alone.

Gabby's dad created this entire mess. And yes, my thoughts regarding his wife are pure speculation. Perhaps I've gone so completely into 'circle the wagons' mode, after my SMing experiences, I'm suspicious of almost anyone when it involves wills and money. All I can tell you is I wouldn't marry a man in his mid-eighties. Perhaps the SM is elderly herself? But even at my age, I wouldn't marry into all that responsibility of caretaking coming down the road. Too, imho, a one year relationship has barely gotten off the ground, whereas he's had his daughter in his life for years. Bottomline for me SMs and SD BOTH can be money grubbing bitches, depending on the individuals involved. Hard to know in the case we're discussing given the incomplete, somewhat vague information we've been given.

Dad and SM in Gabby17's case have been married for four years. I just wonder, for those who think some sort of time limit or age limit matters on marriage when it comes to steps, what is that limit? All I know is it appears to me we use the term newlyweds to describe those who are newly married, and we are to especially share in their joys and show empathy with the first years of their marriage. Evidentially when the term SM enters the picture, such as when SM and dad are newlyweds, we are to especially share our suspicions and show indifference. I don't give a rat's butt if someone comes along and tries to act like I'm not married to my DH and tries to act like they have ownership on him, but I don't, because they feel they have to the right to define whether my marriage is legitimate or not. I'm married to my DH, and anyone who thinks otherwise can go to H-. Doesn't matter if it is for one second or 25 years. Marriage is marriage. Doesn't matter if it is a man and a man, or a black woman and a white man, or a Catholic and a Jew, or a dad and a SM. You accept them all, or you accept none. If you only accept some, but not the others, that would called prejudice (to put it nicely).

with my skids the daughters did not really start getting bad until they got into their teens and realised their father was an open wallet. i really wish you the best in this as there are no easy answers.

Idvilen, no one is suggesting your marriage is not valid. However, I do find the fact that Gabby's SM changed her elderly husband's will and began meddling in HIS finances the first year of their marriage. If nothing ELSE, those actions strike me as distasteful.

I see her dad as the main problem for her and her SM. Who in the world signs a will without reading the contents??! How could the attorney who drew up the will not insist on his reading it prior to his signing? Why didn't his new wife who apparently initiated creating a new will not insist he at the very least READ the document?? And who, in all decency, fails to probate his wife of 60 yrs. will??! Unless he has some significant mental health issues going on, imo, that is utterly deplorable.

The various responses are interesting. I put it out there for help - so letting me have it is to be expected. Here are answers to the questions:

House: screw up on Dad's part legally/neither he nor her wanted to see attorney before marriage -that is on them - if they had it would not be an issue for anyone.

Wife protected: Financially secure in 1st year of marriage with the exception of the house. The house is not the bulk of the estate.

Moving in: Yes, she should move in - she had no home that she owned.

Monitoring calls: Not listening in. There are 2 phone lines - one she set up for her and his original line. Made sense at the time - why should she change her number? We are to call his line. Messages never received on the answering machine. I realize that is up for grabs - no way to prove. Maybe my tinfoil hat is too tight. Our family's assumption is that probably happened as she has received and answered dad's emails from family and signed as dad, by her own admission.

Xmas: We have been invited in prior years. It is not a given. Do we get along? We are all polite. No drama, no arguing, no yelling, - picture a formal dinner with people you have met a few times with the exception of your father. The holiday dinner includes not only my family - other people are invited.

Her background: You are absolutely correct - it is none of my business. However, most people do like to share how many children they have, things they like to do, where they are from etc.

Marriage: You are exactly right - you never marry the family. But the family does exist and you will see
them at some point in the marriage, meeting them first is pretty normal where I am from.

Alone time with Daddy: Yes, there are times that I would like to talk to my dad alone. I don't think that is odd at all. Why should it be? My kids don't have to speak to their father and I at the same time at all times. I don't freak out when my stepson talks to his dad alone. And his dad doesn't freak out when my stepson talks to me alone. Something about the way that question was worded just ticked me off - like it was devious to converse with your parent. Sometimes there are family things (my family) that I would like to share with him that I don't necessary feel like sharing with his wife. That would be different if we were close or had a relationship that was at that level but we don't. Also, most wives don't want to hear the trip down memory lane- it is uncomfortable for them. No worries about that now, it doesn't happen.

Honest with her: The house is the only thing he hasn't been honest about ( honest meaning he doesn't want me to sign it over). Quite frankly, it is not his decision now and everyone is aware of that.

Her being upfront: I only have specific items, maybe upfront is not the right word. Let's go with normal people share these things: my father stopped breathing, revived at the home, refused transport-I find out from life alert on a voicemail. Hours later, get in touch with her and she is ticked at me because life alert called me and I called her. Yes, this day we had words. If a man stops breathing, is revived, you refuse transport, and you are told to take him doctor or the hospital and you do not with no valid reason - I am going to have words with you. I don't care if you are the new wife, my mother or the dog - if you are a complete dumbass I am going to tell you. That is the ONLY time we have ever had words. Her background - number of marriages, kids, stepkids - before everyone jumps on me for this - this is normal info that you should share with your future spouse. Kids and stepkids that pop up during the marriage that you have never heard of before do make you question the person's honesty. Why would you not want to disclose the number of kids or stepkids you have?

In-laws: Dad's entire family was dead by the time he was 22. Mom's family became his family. She had 9 brothers and sisters. Two sisters are left - they used to talk with him regularly. They don't now - no calls are returned and he doesn't call them. They would never dream of "being all up in his business" regarding finances and health. Will they tell me things are different and they don't like it? You bet. Will they interfere in his marriage - no. They have just stated things are different and it bears looking in to.

Grandkids: Bio son is 24 and SS is 31. They do not expect to be doted on or entertained. They are grown men. Do they visit? Yes. Is it as often? No. If they don't feel comfortable, human nature is it's not going to happen as much. Have they offered to help do things around the house that need done? Yes. My SS has a 6 year old and he cannot understand why they can't hit a birthday party, send a card etc. It hurts his feelings that they don't seem to care about his son...I get that and he has every right to feel that way.

Me: Have I tried to get along? Yes. Have I pushed for a relationship? No. Have or will I or my family drop in uninvited? No. Have I invited them to family events? Yes. Has she wanted a close personal relationship? Not that I can tell. Did I? Maybe at first because I was envisioning somewhat of what existed before. Family gatherings, dinner on the occasional Sunday, birthdays, etc. - Reality is - that was unrealistic and she is under no obligation to want that or be expected to do that. Have I taken care of my father? Yes. Would I help if asked? Yes. Do I always know if he is sick? No. Have we had a disagreement? Yes - listed above.

Was Dad expected to get married again? Yes. He was helpless without mom and mom expected it as well. Did his family take care of him after mom died and before he married? Yes, normal stuff - cleaning, cooking etc. No major health care - little sickness no big deal. Was the family prepared to take care of him in his home for the rest of his life? Yes. Did we know how we would do it? No idea. He wouldn't move and that is the way it was. Is he as healthy now? The last six months he has had some big stuff. Is he bedridden? No. Does he require 24 hour care? No. Should he be alone for days at a time? No. Is he mobile? Yes. Does he drive? Yes. When he married was he healthy? Yes for his age. Has the whole family swooped on the wife screaming abuse? No. Has there been health issues that have caused concern lately? Yes. Is contact a problem? Yes.

There it is. The good, bad & the ugly. Am I comfortable with the situation? No. Do I feel that there are control issues due to his age? Yes, I do. Is it my business? Yes and no. He is my father so yes, it is my business if it is a situation that is not in his best interest and out of his control due to his age. Not my business, if all is well and it is his choice to be isolated. Do I have any power either way - not that I can tell.

If you were going to go on and on about it, you should have really started another topic. Remember, this topic was started re: Help....daughter manipulation and entitlement issues.

Thank you for sharing the additional information Gabby. Seems like your SM wants to keep her distance. And after 4 marriages that probably has much more to do with past experiences than you personally. Honestly, it sounds like you're trying to be reasonable while doing the right thing for your dad. I'd definitely stay on top of his medical problems and let your SM know that while you understand they don't want family interference in their marriage and personal lives, you must be contacted when medical issues arise. You might even consider asking your dad to give you permission to speak with his doctors. I think it's just a matter of him signing a HIPPA release. Surely, your SM wouldn't have issues with that? If she does, I'd ask her about her thinking in that regard. I know others here might find that intrusive and they may be right. I've been married forever and we're both very close to our adult bio children. I know for fact if I remarried and my daughter wanted to be in the loop with any health concerns I had I'd consider that perfectly normal and merely a matter of extra input and maybe an added layer of protection. I can't imagine marrying someone that would have a problem with that. At the very least, if they did I'd want to know why.