You are here

Dealing with his 4 kids and ex wife on holidays, etc.

lilyofthevalley's picture

HI
Im new to this so I don't know where to put this note...I have a big problem..I am 45 yr. old female, my bf is 51. I moved my bf and his 2 kids 16 and 18yr. old boys in to help with bills and thought it would be more convenient for us both. Everytime there is a get together my bf's mom invites us to her house and his ex wife is there. His mom thinks it's no big deal to invite his ex 24/7...My bf's parents even rent her a home down the street from them and she is over at his parents house constantly...and his ex still calls his parents mom and dad. We were invited to bingo by my bf's mom and guess who was at bingo too, yep...his ex. We have talked to his mom about feeling uncomfortable about the whole situation but to no avail...his mom just says if it wasn't for these 2 people breaking up...my bf and his ex I wouldn't have him so I should be thankful. Then theres my bf's kids...The oldest is in jail writing his dad's checks which is a felony, constantly in and out of jail and he's 24, the daughter is 19 and always needs money....for tattoos, etc...but the grandparents don't know this is what she is using it for or they would have a cow, the 2 boys that live with us are like numb...they are computer nerds, failing in school, staying up late at night on their computers. I feel somewhat responsible for them so I tell Don what's going on, he tells them to get to bed but he is so exhausted at night he doesnt check up on them. One of his boys should be graduating this year, but has 2 F's on his report card and probably won't pass.
I had talked to a pastor before moving these people in and he told me that I have enough of my own problems and why would I take on any one elses...He said it would be a mess if I moved them in and I agree. Help....my man helps out with all the bills, he is a wonderful guy....but I don't know if I can handle all these problems...I need advice..Thanks.

BlueberrysBaby's picture

I really don't know why the family makes so much effort to continue to include the ex. It baffles me. My DH's grandmother was dying last spring and we went to his home state to see her and the family - within 30 mins of meeting his mother, she was talking about her most recent conversation with the ex-wife. Don't they get that it's offensive to the new wife??? Or they just don't care. Or worse, they WANT to offend. I know in the case of my family, my brother-in-law had a very close friendship with my ex-husband and he and my sister thought I was wrong (religiously) to have divorced him, so they kept up the relationship with him and made a point of filling me in on his latest news when we talked. Only after I was remarried did they make the point to him that they couldn't see him at holidays because they were going to spend the time with "family" and made the point strongly that he was not included in that term.

Your mother-in-law probably thinks she's doing right by her grandkids to favor their mother. Maybe she doesn't understand your love for her son and his for you - thinks you're just the "flavor of the week." If she could think of this from a woman's perspective instead of from a grandmother's, she'd probably understand. Maybe you could develop a friendship with her and bend her ear a little on the subject. Just a thought.

Good luck to you. I've given up writing or calling my mother-in-law since she talks to my DH's ex more than to me Sad

Blueberry's Baby

stepmom101's picture

I can definatley relate to what is going on with you. I was dating this man for a whole year before I even interacted with his family and when I did I was already pregnant and we were planning our wedding and I had never seen nor interacted with my now husbands ex. Honey let me tell you when she did find out about me she was always around constantly. She was at every family function his mother invited me to also. My first response was that maybe she just wanted everyone to get along but when she starting inviting her to every event I realized that she was just being down right messy and yes believe it or not there are messy mother in laws I have one so I just call them as I see them. I have two step kids no they are not as old as yours are but, I can relate to what you are feeling for the first couple of weeks when they would come and stay at my house I would let them get away with alot of things without trying to stop them and then I thought about it as if they were my children because I do have a child of my own and I decided to put my foot down. And that is what you may have to do after all it is your house. If you are not sure what approach to take speak with your boyfriend first. Tell him how you feel about what is going on and see what he says maybe he feels the same way or maybe he hasn't taken notice if you bring it to his attention it may clear the airways a bit for you. And after the two of you talk sit down with the boys and talk to them together that way they know that the two of you stand firm to the situation. As far as the mother goes again girl some mol are just like that mine is that way also but I think her thing is that she wonders how her son is doing better with me than he did with his ex I have never done anything to the woman but who knows some people but I'm the same way with my mother in law as Blueberrys Baby is with hers.

Keep your head up Jesus will work it out he always does.

stepmom101's picture

I can definatley relate to what is going on with you. I was dating this man for a whole year before I even interacted with his family and when I did I was already pregnant and we were planning our wedding and I had never seen nor interacted with my now husbands ex. Honey let me tell you when she did find out about me she was always around constantly. She was at every family function his mother invited me to also. My first response was that maybe she just wanted everyone to get along but when she starting inviting her to every event I realized that she was just being down right messy and yes believe it or not there are messy mother in laws I have one so I just call them as I see them. I have two step kids no they are not as old as yours are but, I can relate to what you are feeling for the first couple of weeks when they would come and stay at my house I would let them get away with alot of things without trying to stop them and then I thought about it as if they were my children because I do have a child of my own and I decided to put my foot down. And that is what you may have to do after all it is your house. If you are not sure what approach to take speak with your boyfriend first. Tell him how you feel about what is going on and see what he says maybe he feels the same way or maybe he hasn't taken notice if you bring it to his attention it may clear the airways a bit for you. And after the two of you talk sit down with the boys and talk to them together that way they know that the two of you stand firm to the situation. As far as the mother goes again girl some mol are just like that mine is that way also but I think her thing is that she wonders how her son is doing better with me than he did with his ex I have never done anything to the woman but who knows some people but I'm the same way with my mother in law as Blueberrys Baby is with hers.

Keep your head up Jesus will work it out he always does.