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He has an issue with me **eyeroll**

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

When dh was on the phone with skid he mentioned the above, because he feels "I kept him from his dad." The only time I suggested he cut ties with him is when he beat the living daylights out of dh. I told dh he can shove it (which dh didn't like). Turns out it's because I didn't want him around the house...every time he did come over he acted like he owned the place, ate us out of house and home, snooped, whined about being homeless yet refusing to hold down a job, and entitlement up the wazoo. 

If I ever talk to him how should I respond to this? Seems to me he's just pissy because he expected to be able to use my house as a revolving door and didn't like being called out on his crappy behavior instead of me laying down and  smiling sweetly and thanking him for trampling all over me.

notsobad's picture

Tell SS and DH that you have an issue with SS too! 

No reason to hide it. Tell him exactly what your issues with him are. Tell him, yes you think that DH should cut ties because no one should put up with an abuser.

ndc's picture

I don't think you should give him any response, because I don't think you should speak with or go anywhere near this violent criminal.  If he would beat up your husband, who presumably he loves, I don't want to think about what he might do to you.  The skid obviously has anger issues and no self control, and that's why he's in jail.  Your husband might be willing to play fast and loose with his own safety to chase his son, but that doesn't mean you should compromise your own well being.  AVOID!!

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

 Dh forgave the incident because he was drunk  and on drugs. I mean I'm wondering how to respond to the manipulation tactic. Does it sound like he's trying to create a wedge between me and dh?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

that's exactly what he's doing. He's playing the victim and positioning you as the persecutor. He's planting these seeds where he thinks they'll do the most damage.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

How would you respond....as far as the best way to turn the tables back on him?

fairyo's picture

That wedge!  I began to feel that shortly after I moved in with the now X, that OSD was quietly manipulating my downfall. It took a few years but in the end I caved in, I disengaged and the X made my life a misery until  I finally left. The wedge is not always the skids doing though, sometimes the DH will put it in place, quite unintentionally, but it says to me that in any step relationship there is always that force from outside. I really admire those who can still have a relationship despite the wedge. Recognising the wedge is the first step to dealing with it, I think.

elkclan's picture

I never felt welcome in my SM's house. In many, many ways it was made clear that I wasn't welcome. Partly because she's just a weird old coot hooked on pain killers and natty lite, partly because she actually took an antagonistic attitude toward me and my brother. I haven't spoken to her in almost two decades. 

My partner's mother seems lovely (only met her once) but she is married to a guy who my partner describes as grumpy. It is clear that we are not welcome in the house when he is there. My partner still gets on with his father's widow - and until she moved he was welcome to stay overnight there  (no room now, she's in a retirement flat) and he's a mellow happy guy. I know it makes him sad that he and his children aren't really welcome in his mother's home. 

It is sad and unnatural not to be welcome in the place where your parents live. 

HOWEVER - things work differently for addicts and violent criminals. You have every right to feel safe in your home. If it were my son, I would want to take him in after prison (I think - my BS is 11 so I haven't been in that position and hope never to be!) so I can understand your DH's feelings on this. And yes, your SS is right that if you weren't there he probably would be able to be there on release and yes, from his perspective, that has to suck - particularly when odds are stacked against him if he doesn't have a good place to stay and it may mean more time in jail for him if he doesn't. As a parent, I would take the risk rather than have my son another day in prison and all the risks that come with that. 

The wedge is that there is naturally a real mismatch between both of your very legitimate needs. 1) your need to feel safe and secure in your home 2) your DH's need to know that his child is safe.  SS is maybe less trying to deliberately drive a wedge between you than he is thinking about himself and his personal safety and freedom. It's probably not about you. 

But your safety and your home is about you - so don't give in on having this kid in your house. But if there is any way that you can work with DH to find a way to support this "kid" elsewhere maybe everyone's needs can be met. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

SS isn't talking about where he's gonna go after prison. He's referring to the general relatonship with dh. If SS was that concerned about his personal safety and freedom, perhaps he shouldn't have violated probation. He has never once had a place of his own. God forbid he learn a little independence instead of trying to breastfeed off dad. He needs to find a reentry program or something. My home is not a rehab.

Idk why you'd take a violent criminal in your home...the violent criminals needs shouldn't trump others safety and sanity.

elkclan's picture

oh I hear you - and I 100% support you not wanting him in your home and that is what I said in the original reply. But a guy that can't even look after his own interests - SS and to some extent your DH isn't going to be able to look after your interests. I'm just voicing what might be his perspective and why your DH might feel torn. It might not be personal at all to you - just that you represent the stumbling block to his re-housing and it's easier to look at you as the stumbling block than to take responsibility for his own behaviour. 

And yes, I'm not in this situation, but if it were my biological son, I think it would be a lot easier to excuse behaviours, explain them away and give him a second chance. I would take the risk if it were my son (depending). Someone else's kids, e.g. either of my SSs - then I'm not so sure, but I would understand my partner's instinct to protect them. I stress to add that I cannot see my elder SS ever getting in this situation. My bs and YSS, almost certainly wouldn't, but I'd never say 100% as far as those two are concerned. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

What I'm unclear on is why you say he's voicing that I represent the stumbling block to his re-housing. He's again not talking about that cuz it hasn't been discussed with him. And in any case it's not like dad is the only option for housing. 

Need to protect a violent person?? Makes no sense.

sandye21's picture

I'm having a problem understanding this 'logic' too.  In my opinion, when there is a possibility of violence from someone, and if the person sees you as a 'stumbling block', it's personal. 

My ex and I adopted two older children.  One was violent, stole, lied, set fires and blamed me for her BM's desertion of her.  I had to let her go when she was 13.  Afterward, she was placed in two separate facilities where she tried to kill counselors with butcher knives.  And the psycologist's reasoning?  "They became Mother figures."  Yes, it was sad.  She deserved to be protected.  She deserved a loving home.  But not at the cost of my life.  Sometimes reality is cruel.

This child is now 44 years old.  A few years ago she found me on Facebook and blasted me in a threatening diatribe for being a horrible person who treated her badly.  I guess she still sees me as a 'stumbling block'.  I blocked her immediately.  

sandye21's picture

Ask DH what his plan is if SS has NOT changed?  Then I would still insist on not discussing it until a time closer to SS's release.  And I would stand firm on it.  It sounds as if DH is unecessarily dwelling on this too much.  A lot of things can happen between now and then. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

It would be not to let him move in. Thing is even if he does change I dont want him living here.

sandye21's picture

You have good reason.  Even if he wasn't violent, SS should be on his own and working on improving his be life.  SS has some time to go before he is released but you are right - you need to place boundaries now.  You have the right to determine who lives in yoour home.  Just stand firm and continue to say "No."  If DH wants SS to live under his roof perhaps DH should find another place to live while he discovers just how much SS has changed.

disrestep's picture

If this is your house, and you are the owner of the house, tell your DH something like, "this is MY HOUSE, and in my house, NO ONE who is violent is allowed...PERIOD!  If this is a home you and DH share, then still make it clear NO ONE who was violent to either of us will be allowed. 

Call the police if you have to. I would. This adult skid is a career loser and abusive, violent nutcase. I bet he gets violent again. Seriously, you should watch your back with him and settle for no less than him NEVER being allowed in your house.

I cannot believe your DH forgave this dirtbag for beating him up, if I'm reading that correctly. What is wrong with these people? Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean they wear a halo. Violent criminals all had parents, right? 

Who gives a bleep what that violent nut thinks as to you not allowing him in your home. I am blamed by the adult skids for every time my DH tells them "NO"   They will always blame the stepparent for taking daddy away. It's just what they do.

People need to just get that just because you are an adult child of someone, that doesn't mean you can just come and go as you please at the parent's home; treat parent as an ATM; parent's home is not a hotel, No, it is not okay to be rude your parent's spouse, a stop and think maybe your bio parent does not want to see your loser face at his/her home either.

dont back down. Please protect yourself. Don't ever trust this violent nut, even if your DH does. 

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

I believe in forgiveness, but I don't feel that means that you have to continue the relationship with whoever you forgive or makes what he did ok. He's wanting him here possibly if he changes. That's the problem. (I don't trust him one iota).

marblefawn's picture

It might take 5 years to know if he's no longer violent and off drugs. Then invite him for dinner. But time is what shows if someone has changed -- not the fact that he was just sprung from the clink!

elkclan's picture

People who are addicts might mean to change and might believe that they have changed, but that doesn't mean they actually HAVE CHANGED. It doesn't mean they're lying when they say they've quit, it means that they're wrong (though sometimes they lie, too - the addiction is more important than anything). 

My dad is an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink in years and years and years. But there were so many failed attempts. And even after all these years, I still find myself wondering and I still worry about his relationship to painkillers. 

still learning's picture

Make your plan, stick to it and phrase it to DH in a positive way.  

"Yes I stand behind you in supporting ss in his re-housing, recovery and rehabilitation.  

"Yes you can work extra hours or take another job and use that money to help your son get on his feet."  

"Yes I'll help research halfway houses and christian men's homes for ss to transition into."  

"That's great that ss wants to see you, how about meeting him at Denny's for lunch?"  

When DH wants ss to come over to your home tell him that it would be beter for ss's sake to meet elsewhere so he and ss can be more comfortable. If he wants ss to stay a few nights just to get on his feet direct him to a cheap motel where he will be more comfortable and can start getting used to his adulthood journey.  Once the adult skids are in they and DH will fight for them to stay.  

Smile and be supportive of your husband and his efforts yet keep a strong boundary concerning yourself and your home.  

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

If he wants to pull the "a few nights" B.S., I'll sweetly point out that one cannot get on their feet in a weeks time, much less a few days...unless he got the opportunity of a lifetime from some millionaire, lol.