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Eat s**t with a smile ?

SRB's picture

Good Morning all - first time posting on this venue and as I read many of these blogs, I realize that my issues are a common topic here - in some form or fashion, and insight from you all that are struggling through your blended relationships will really help. 

Long / Short of it - Married for 7 years, no kids of my own, one SD23.  The BM left BF & SD years ago for another man, but always kept BF on a string as her plan B.  BF and I met and married after two years of dating.  BM did everything in her power to stop us from getting married, not because she wanted to reconcile with BF, it was a game to her.  BF promised me that he would not let her interfere with our marriage.   Well after about 10 months of marriage, I found emails from BM stating how she still loved him.....blah blah blah....this apparantly had been going on, I realized for my sanity and well being...time to go ! 

 After my departure, BM and BF reconcilled and shortly thereafter (couple months) BM dumped him.  This, IMO, was just a game of manipulation and control on her part.  Meanwhile putting SD on an emotional rollercoaster for years.   BF and I got back together about 8 months later with the strict stipulation that there is to be NO communication with BM.  This has worked out well for six years and I understand that there are times that BM will be around us....graduation for example.  

Well last week SD moved into an apartment, I had a party planned for several month in which I was hosting.  Plus I am having back surgery next week and am in no condition to be moving anyone or anything, so I did not help. 

My husband and some of his family members took care of the move.  That evening I found out the BM was there all day.  I took this as a kick in the gut.  Having BM there could have easily been avoided if my husband would have spoken up to SD, but he didn't and I feel myself and our marriage has been disrespected by SD and him - SD knows full well of the situation with me and BM. 

I feel like I am expected to eat S*it with a smile and no matter how hurt I am, it doesn't matter to BF because SD can do no wrong. I will not sit back and watch the BM start crossing boundaries and think everything is okay - she has no scruples, is manipulative and controlling.   His only defense in this is "What could I have done ?"   Shoe on the other foot, I would have spoken up for my marriage.   I know my husband feels extreme guilt that BD she came up in a broken home, but BM was the one who cheated on her BF many many many times with many different individuals.    

I expected my husband to have my back, but he didn't - is betrayed too strong of a word to describe how I feel ? 

momjeans's picture

After my departure, BM and BF reconcilled and shortly thereafter (couple months) BM dumped him.  This, IMO, was just a game of manipulation and control on her part.  Meanwhile putting SD on an emotional rollercoaster for years.   BF and I got back together about 8 months later with the strict stipulation that there is to be NO communication with BM.

I can’t get past the fact that he reconciled with BM and then you took him back after that. 

SRB's picture

momjeans - you and a few others were shocked that I took him back, if we would have been having this conversation during that time period, I did and would have said HELL NO, but as time went by, I realized that I truly love him and let me just say foregiveness is a very lengthy process and honestly I wanted to try and save my marriage.  People make mistake and he made a BIG one, but I needed to try.   I do look at him at times and just want to throat punch his ass, but other than this instance recently - things have been wonderful, no issues, no drama (other than a 23 SD's drama) - marriage has been great for six years.    He feels he needs to over compensate to SD for her parents failed marriage and treads very very lightly with her- there is alot of guilt there. She is now self suffient and has a great work ethic , but it is very dissapointing for me to see her turning into her mother in the negative aspects.  She knew damn well that this whole situation would hurt me, but she didn't care and BF did not take up for us as I feel he should have.   

momjeans's picture

My point here is that he reconciled with a person that’s still in your sphere of everyday life. A person you cannot fully escape, because she’s the mother of his child. 

It’s one thing to deal with a difficult BM.

It’s another thing to deal with a difficult BM in which your DH made a conscious decision to reconcile with, between the first and second go around with you.

It would have spoke volumes to me, personally, if my DH went back to BM. 

SRB's picture

momjeans - yes that was devastating to me, and as I read your response, it is screaming volumes to me right this moment, and of course compounding me being pissed off at the whole situation, guess I am at a cross roads.  

 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, any relationship that starts with a demand that he not speak to another woman (especially his daughter's mother), is on shaky ground.  Do you think he should have left and not helped his daughter move when he realized BM was there?  Will he not be allowed to speak to BM when SD gets married, or if they share grandchildren?

Either you trust him, or you don't.  But banning him from speaking to BM is a tad controlling for my taste. 

SRB's picture

tog redux - the no communication with BM was actually something BF brought up -BF cut all ties with her, this was his doing, not at my demand or suggestions.  

I know very well that there will be times in SD's life that her parents will both need to be there, I would never "forbid" BF not to talk or be present for these special times.   Moving into an apartment is not one of those life events where BM needed to be there.   No, BF needed to be there to help in the move BUT as soon as he was told BM was coming he could have simply asked "can she please wait till I am gone" , I don't find that to be an unreasonable request.  

 

 

 

tog redux's picture

I dunno - "strict stipulation" sounds like it was essential for you, as well.  

I'm not sure I'm clear why he can't be around her helping to move SD.  Do you not trust him?  I can't imagine being with someone I thought might fall into bed with his ex while they are moving their daughter together. 

SRB's picture

tog redux - the strict stipulation was mutally discussed, and hey, I have no problem with it, as I mentioned, he made all effort to cut all ties with her, cancelled joint insurance policies, disolved joint ownership of a few things... that was all him, I didn't ask or suggest he do those things.    If SD was not grown then I know there would be reasons to stay in communication for her sake, and there will be times in the future that it will be necessary, I get that.   

I trust him not to "fall" into bed with her but I don't give her an ounce of trust not to try to interfere - it is a game to her IMO.  

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

you got married to him, then he went back to BM, then you two got back together. It took until you got back together, after you were already married for him to cut all ties and cut joint policies, etc?!?! This is a HUGE red flag with fireworks. I would never be with someone in a relationship let alone a marriage where the man is still this enmeshed with the BM/ex wife

SRB's picture

stepgirlfriendfurmom - it was an insurance policy that in the event that either parent died, then the living parent would have $ for SD for college, medical - whatever - BF took her off the policy. Was insurance for the minor child 

Kes's picture

If it were not for your particular history, or rather, BM and DH's history, I don't think it would have been that big of a deal, that BM was there for her daughter moving into an apartment.  Most mothers might have liked to have been present.  And in my own case, over the years, NPD BM and DH have been jointly at a number of events that I have declined to be at, through my own choice.  

However, it is pretty obvious that BM still has designs on your DH and given half a chance would be in like Flynn.  I think under these circumstances, your feelings are understandable.   I think your DH needs to feel less guilt about poor SD23's feelings - her having been a grown woman and all that, for quite a few years - and pay a bit more attention to his wife's sensibilities if your relationship is going to have a chance, long term. 

flmomma08's picture

In all honesty, I don't think this would have been that big of a deal if not for your BF going back to BM in the past. I think its reasonable for both parents to be there when their kid moves into their first apartment. That's a pretty big event for a kid. I think the problem is that you don't trust him (rightfully so) because of his past. Do you feel like if BM wants him back, he will go back again?

SRB's picture

yes - if the past weren't the past, we all could have been present for the event with no issues. I agree that both parents should be there, but at the same time ?   I really couldn't say what BM's intentions are - she has broken up three marriages, it seems like a game to her.   Do I trust my husband not to jump in the sack with her - yes - Do I trust that BM won't try to interfere in our marriage - NO !   

tog redux's picture

But if you trust HIM, then what BM does should not matter one iota, because he would ignore/shut it down/leave, whatever, if she got inappropriate.

SRB's picture

tog redux - you are right - I should put my trust in my husband to take care of the situation, my feelings toward BM and all the loathing that I have for her makes this difficult 

still learning's picture

she has broken up three marriages, it seems like a game to her.  

Where is your your responsibility in all of this?  You married a man who was obviously still in love with his ex wife and he even left you for her when he had the chance.  You are the one who chose to take him back after he was again dumped by her. It seems as if you jumped head first into this soap opera thinking that you could change it.  Did you think you had magical vagina powers that would keep him from cheating?  

Then there's your husband, where is his responsibility?  For years he's been playing this chase game with BM and has lying to you about his feelings for her.  Did he really think that he could never talk to BM again when they share a child together?  

Get real, you're all in on this drama and you're a willing participant.  Yes BM may be a game playing hoor, but what does that make your darling husband? What does that make you?  

BTW, I do think your DH would jump in the sack with her given the chance.  Open your eyes.  

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

the person was, if I was cheated on, by a boyfriend or husband, that would be the end forever. If they cheated once, they will 100% cheat again. That is not to say it shouldn't hurt more that it was with BM, it absolutely should, my point is, no matter who that person is to me, if they cheated on me, we would be done forever. Hell to the no

Harry's picture

and wanting to play Happy Family with the EX and there DD.  He made a promise not to see the EX and he broke that promise.  Seeing the EX and playing Happy Family was more important then his marriage.  

SRB's picture

yes Harry - that is why I am hurt. What if I was there ?  It would be safe to say that BM would not.  

strugglingSM's picture

I too am struggling with the fact that you took him back...primarily, because he assured you that BM wouldn't interfere with your marriage, while having secret conversations with BM. It seems like he has extreme issues with honesty. 

What did you do to repair trust with him after you reconciled? It seems like that might be worth revisiting with him. If you don't feel as though you an trust him to be around BM, that's a big issue. I also think that considering his history, he has to be willing to really work on this. Was it not enough for him to get burned by her - lose his relationship and then get dumped by her after she demanded him back - to learn that he should keep away from her? It sounds like he also has some self-esteem issues. Does he feel rejected by his mom? Not being able to risk the allure of being wanted by someone who previously rejected him screams that he did not feel fully loved or accepted as a child. 

strugglingSM's picture

And yes, steplife is pretty much a series of "eating s**t with a smile" events....at least for stepmothers. 

Merry's picture

Lots of couples survive infidelity and go on to have happy and long marriages without either partner straying again. This might be an extreme case, but if both OP and her DH did the hard work required to rebuild trust and a loving relationship, then they absolutely can reconcile and be happy together. It's not a choice everyone would make, but we shouldn't be judging OP for the choices she made here. It's just not true that "once a cheater, always a cheater"--not for everyone anyway.

But DH broke a commitment to her that was part of the healing process and a foundation of marital stability. He promised that he wouldn't be around BM except for various things related to their daughter. Helping the daughter move wasn't one of those things. 

So now, SRB, I bet you are left reliving all those old hurts and betrayals. It's not about whether or not you trust him to be around BM or other women. He broke his promise and that boundary that you've come to rely on, and that causes hurt and probably some fear that he's starting down a slippery slope.

Once he knew that BM was going to be there, he should have taken steps to make sure that he and she weren't there at the same time. If that wasn't possible, he should have talked it through with you, and you could have made a plan together to make sure you felt ok about it. Instead he kept it from you. When you found out after the fact, you probably felt blindsided and hurt all over again and left stewing in what feels like another betrayal. 

Most people will say it's not a big deal--they were both just helping a daughter move. When you've been through it though, it is definitely a great big deal. My DH had a pretty intense emotional affair with someone and you bet one of my boundaries is that there is absolutely no more communication with her. If people want to consider that controlling, ok, but for me it's a great big boundary that will result in his stuff out on the lawn on a rainy day if he crosses it. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It sounds as if enough time has passed since the infidelity that the boundary lines have blurred - at least in your H's mind. He violated one of the rules HE put it place to rebuild your marriage, and I think that means action is required. Either boot him, or tell him to find and book a marriage counselor. Put the onus on him, and don't accept any woosey excuses.

*** At the same time, I think you really should have a plan B/exit strategy (as all smart women should). Consult a divorce attorney to find out where you stand, have some money and important documents stashed away, and have your ducks in a row.

SRB's picture

Exjuliemccoy - I have put all this into perspective and luckily I own my home and will be okay financially if we do go our separate ways.  

shamds's picture

her family including bio mum and bio dad were there to help which is a normal thing. Other family members were there. 

Were they alone? If not I don’t see the issue. Even with boundaries being breached and disrespected there are times where the other parent has genuine intentions to just be there for their child and help them out. 

You can’t control someone else, you can only control yourself and how you respond.

this is the same with cod marrying and wanting both bio parents there who have to put whatever animosity aside for their child getting married and if they feel they can’t handle it then they have a choice to stay home especially with an expartner who is high conflict and narcissistic