Going over half the way with SD
I have been having trouble with my over 25 SD ever since DH and I got serious. At first, she just constantly interrupted our dates with "crisis after crisis". I didn't realize that she did that on purpose until later. Her Dad would stop anything we were doing to talk to her at length. I was troubled by that, but didn't know how to address it, since I didn't want to tell him not to be there for his daughter.
Anyway, things went on, and SD was away a good part of the time, and after we had a discussion, DH would limit his talk when we were in the middle of something.
Then, we got engaged, and everything we planned to do was upsetting to SD. We did some remodeling and you would have thought that DH had abandoned SD to gypies by the theatrics. This affected our relationship and we almost didn't get married. I won't go into all the details, but we did work through and got married. After, we were married, SD tried every way she knew to get DH to break up with me. It got so bad that I removed myself from the situation for a time. It seemed that DH finally got tired of the constant complaining on SD's part and told her to stop.
Now, a couple years later, SD is saying that DH abandoned her after he met me. This to me is not healthy. Anyone, have any opinion on this?
SD does live with us now, and
SD does live with us now, and because I have made the effort to forget about her double dealings and treat her like we are good friends, she is also makeing some effort to get along, at least on the surface. My problem is the grief she gives DH about not being there for her after she met me. I feel that this is a new way to drive a wedge. I also feel that she is behaving like a jilted spouse, not a daughter. It makes me uncomfortable.
Your DH needs to set your SD
Your DH needs to set your SD straight regarding her issues. She's trying to play the guilt card so daddy w/coddle her or do whatever she has up her sleeve. She needs to grow up and get a life. This is their issue . .don't make it yours. Either way she's being pathetic and insecure.
I can relate as well. My adult SD clowned after DH and I got married. I moved in w/them and it was a trainwreck from the start. Things got so bad that she told started complaing to my MIL, so MIL called her BM to encourage her to spend more time w/SD because they had a rocky relationship and she felt that SD's clingyness to DH wasn't healthy nor was it fair to me. SD acted more like a rival than a SD. Fortunately she no longer lives w/us and now has a life.
I'm glad to hear that I'm not
I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone with this problem. I can't control what either my SD or DH do. It seems that continuing to be nice to SD is the best for now. I am glad to know that this behavior is common. I was feeling that there must have been something weird about their relationship.
This behaviour does seem to
This behaviour does seem to be all too common with adult stepdaughters, but I don't think it makes it less weird. My stepdaughter came into our life about 14 months into our marriage, until then I had never seen the realtionship my husband had with her, she was 21 then and had a boyfriend, they have since become engaged and have a baby she is now 29 and a few weeks ago I just said enough is enough. I won't go into all the details again, but suffice to say she hated me before she ever met me and the hatred no matter how nice I was or what I did for her just grew and grew.
I don't believe the relationship that she and her father shared was normal in the least, and it often made me quite sick to watch. I told my husband on two occassions that it looked to me that he was trying to have a male female relationship with his daughter and not a father daughter one, he constantly went out of his way to impress her, would drop everything to do what she wanted, and one day when she was leaving here and stumbled a little trying to put on her shoe he bent down and put it on for her, she was 27 then and I have never forgotten it, he has even offered her food from his plate, BUT the worst thing of all, was he would run to the phone when she called,and every single time would go outside to speak to her, no matter ow may times I told him that was not on he would do it again, it was as if he was having an affair with his daughter. He placed her on a pedestal and no matter what she said or did it was okay by him. The trouble she caused between us was unbelievable, and she openly admitted she wanted to seperate us and see us both dead, my husband even then did and said nothing about this, in fact that became my problem because I took it seriously, she of course could do no wrong and daddy actually said to me one day "why can't you just say nothing and put up with her crap, I do." Well that was true he did, he felt there was nothing wrong with her humilating me him or both of us in public and did nothing. That was the problem and that is the reason I will no longer have her in my home, because he did nothing, and by doing nothing he was encouraging her bad behaviour. I believe my husband is afraid of his daughter, and I know she threatend to jump out of the fiance's moving car because he spoke to her father and myself one day when they were here and she had told him never to speak to us. So now she has him terrified. Talk about emotional blackmail. If the men in her life don't do as she commands she threatens to harm herself and no one takes action. This has to be some sort of personality disorder surely NPD or something, it is not normal.
Unless your husband supports you, and you both set clear boundries, the daughter I suspect will keep up the jilted lover act and keep trying to come between you. It would be well worth you reading other posts on this site, it might help you to stop heading into territory we have already been. I think the one common thread with all of these sd that act like jilted jealous lovers instead of daughters is that they have all been spoilt little brats who have grown up to believe they are "entitled" and this over inflated sense of entitlement makes them very selfish self centred greedy women. Fathers need to see there daughters as grown women and stop indulging there every whim. They are not making the lives of these women easy because the world will not treat them as precious. My own SD fiance asked DH to help get her to a mental health professional, DH of course refused because SD wouldn't like him suggesting something like that, how selfish was that. So before he even marries her, the fiance is talking of leaving her, and DH is afraid to tell her she needs help. So, yes the behaviour is common, but I think it is definately still weird.
There is something weird.
There is something weird. These SDs are immature and jealous and their fathers don't tell them to put a sock in it. The relationships are different, it's not an either/or scenario, period.
Thank all of you for your
Thank all of you for your imput. It is easy to feel alone and in the wrong in a situation like this, no matter how much you think you are right. It is so upsetting for my DH when I point out to him that her behavior is inappropriate because down deep, he knows it is. But he reacts so forcefully, that I end up feeling that I am a small minded selfish person who is jealous of his daughter. For the last month or so, things are quiet, so I am trying to keep a positive attitude. Reading these posts will def. keep me aware of red flags. I just hope she gets a job soon and moves far away. That will at least be better.
"It is so upsetting for my DH
"It is so upsetting for my DH when I point out to him that her behavior is inappropriate because down deep, he knows it is. But he reacts so forcefully, that I end up feeling that I am a small minded selfish person who is jealous of his daughter."
-----Ladylike~this is soooo much my situation with my DH, EXCEPT I don't really think DEEP DOWN inside him, he really wants to accept reality for what it is, and what a crappy parent he's been to let his adult daughters gain "spousal status" with him that started the whole thing steamrolling over two years ago.
And, YES, he'll turn things completely around on me and I'm the bad guy who's jealous that he wants to have a relationship with his daughter....sheesh. Once he's got it in his head, I'm done for as far as the argument goes. He'll start creating things in his head of what he thinks I'm saying and how I'm feeling, it's just insane to reason with him at that point.
I've given up. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut about Thing I and Thing II, because there is nothing positive that I could possibly contribute about the cesspool SD's he refers to as "reality". They are perfect angels in his eyes, and he makes good and sure I know "MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTERS IS DIFFERENT THAN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU". Whatever the heck that's suppose to mean..............
........and all it means to me is, his daughters can do no wrong, and I am the scapegoat for the most part, because he has very little tolerance for me and my opinions. They have the Visa Gold Card for crying out loud.
I know just how you feel,
I know just how you feel, Mominator. I'm not ready to give up, but I have quit trying to tell DH how I feel about this. I have just kept behaving as if SD and I have a great relationship, and she acts the same way. I know that we are not there yet, because she gets that look of hate or rage, I am not sure which, at times while we are interacting. I am encouraged that she is at least trying to give the impression that she wants us to get along. I am uneasy about what may happen, if I do something she really doesn't like or vise versa. I have already met one of her attempts to put me in a bad light with DH with calmness. I was rewarded with an apology from DH about Sd's attitude.(And of course, another excuse for it.)
I just hope things go well, until she gets a job and moves out. I'm hoping that she will not be a continual problem no matter how old she is.
My ex actually made the
My ex actually made the mistake of telling our therapist that people often mistook his daughter for his wife when they were in public. She said, "That's not a compliment that you look young, that's a sign that you two look inappropriate even to complete strangers!" Get a frickin' clue buddy. Of course, he saw nothing wrong with it...he was Super Dad because he had such a close relationship with his daugther. Gag me.