Frazzled step-grandpa
My wife’s divorced adult daughter, her newborn and 4-year old from two different marriages have lived with us for nine months. Her boyfriend stays over when he’s in town, and works on his car in our driveway using my tools. She has some cash but pays no rent, does not help with utilities or household supplies, buys only snack foods for herself and her children, drives our cars, and doesn’t help with household chores. Every room has baby furniture and clutter, and our storage space if filled with her household goods. She sleeps until noon and leaves her young daughter for us and our children to watch and entertain. She leaves her children’s messes for us to pick up. We have spent thousands helping her financially. Her young daughter’s loud nasal voice, showoff behavior and back talk, and her newborn’s constant fussing are driving me crazy. We recently moved to be closer to family, and my wife is happy to have her grandchildren around. But I think this arrangement has gone far beyond reason, and is stressing my relationship with my wife. I’m 63, and am 18 years younger than my wife. I think I’m being a normal “mature” person when I find it really hard to tolerate this constant chaos in our household. I ’m waiting as patiently as possible for my stepdaughter to receive a divorce settlement, and then I’ll be pushing hard for her to find a place of her own. In the meantime, I just need to vent! Thanks!
-Joe
When is the committment date?
When is the committment date? To the funny farm that is.
I'm surprised you are sane enough to find a website and write a coherent post.
I would tell your wife that you are at wits end and either the girl kids move out or you are. Give a 30 day deadline, or perhaps the end of October and then if necessary leave.
Until then spend as much time away from home for overnight trips and towards the end of October if she's not getting ready to leave then make no secret about searching for a inexpensive place to live. Adequate for a few months or so.
Or buy a camper and go on a extended motor trip. If you're willing to spend the time you can find locations where you can park without paying park fees. Commercial areas and such.
Without a grand statement on your part your wife may not take you seriously and the girl will take from the two of you as long as its allowed. Why shoot I'd move in if you let me live room and board free.
Hi Joe.... I feel for you! I
Hi Joe.... I feel for you! I totally agree with Orange that you need to set boundaries... 30 days being my favorite. I had to do the same thing with my husband and his daughter recently. It was very difficult, especially feeling like the "bad guy" in the whole situation. But for your own sanity and the sake of your marriage you really need to put your foot down.
omg....this isn't a
omg....this isn't a stepparent complaint. this is a GET THIS GROWN ADULT OUT OF MY HOUSE complaint.
look up landlord laws in your state. show them to your wife.
Why would anyone let their
Why would anyone let their adult child with two offsprings live with them indefinitely? I know it's a tough economy but wasn't there a discussion on how long she can stay and what the rules of engagement are? You need to set boundaries and ENFORCE them. Tell her she has x amount of time to stay, has to contribute to household chores, you will not babysit her children while she is asleep unless previously arranged so, she has to pick up after her kids and her BF can get his own tools to fix his car in somebody elses drive way. Besides the last thing this winner needs is a BF or another pregnancy. She should be busying herself looking for a JOB.
Just make sure your wife will back you on all of this.
I would def. set some rules.
I would def. set some rules. Your wife is not going to kick her and her kids out. She will feel bad doing it. It's nice that you let her stay there, but she has flashed back to when she was younger and mom did everything. Mom is STILL doing everything and unless she realizes it then it's not going to stop.
I thought of my grandparents when reading your post. My uncle still lives with them and he takes advantage of them constantly. He has been with them a lot longer, but he could get away with murder and my grandmother would make an excuse. My grandfather was tired of it to the point that he leaves all day and comes back at night. He couldn't handle the constant aggravation. He wanted to move away and not take him with, but my grandmother didn't wanna do that. So that is my grandpa's way of staying sain. He will go and sit by the lake, feed the birds, take long drives...etc. But, my grandmother WOULD NOT kick him out. He is her son and even if it means not seeing my grandpa almost all day, she still couldn't do it.
So if you sit down and have a long talk w/your wife and it doesn't get to the point that she will not ask her daughter to leave, then at least have some boundaries. She NEEDS to get up with the kids and not leave you and your wife to do everything for them. Backtalk is NOT acceptable to any adult especially their grandparents. My daughter would get a slap in her mouth if she backtalked to her grandparents. AND, they aren't your kids. You raised your kids and now it's her turn. NO, your BF can't use MY tools in MY garage. Then give her a reasonable amount that she has to pay. Simply paying NOTHING is not going to cut it anymore.
You guys don't need someone mooching off of you when she has some money.
I would write a list of all that you want to tell her so you don't forget. I do that all the time and it helps.
I would suggest that you have the convo with the daughter. She would probably take you more serious than your wife anyway b/c mom's are gulible and wont say no. You two are older and don't need that kind of mess. Well, nobody should deal with that just in general.
It was difficult, but we all
It was difficult, but we all sat down this morning and talked through all the issues. We agreed on a move-out date. My wife pitched in and backed me up during the talks.
Since she's not my natural daughter, I've found it hard to break my silence. But now that things are moving, I'll feel free to follow up and make sure things move ahead as agreed.
Thanks everyone for your supportive comments and suggestions. I needed that!
Incidentally, I made a typo in my first post: I'm 63 years, and 18 years older than my wife.
Good for you Joe. Sometimes
Good for you Joe. Sometimes all it takes is a little backup and it does help. I wish my grandpa could convince my grandma to tell my uncle to move. He has caused them so many problems and when your older it's time to relax and not deal with the headaches anymore. He has contributed horrifically to my grandpa's heart trouble, but in his eyes he is son of the year. It's good that your wife backed you up too. That is THEE most important thing, just stick with it and don't back down. Congrats
When my exH and I separated,
When my exH and I separated, I moved from California back home to Texas. I literally left with my baby girl (11 mo's old), all her belongings and my clothes. I had no car, no job...nothing. I moved back in with my parents and after a short time of pity party over the dissolution of my marriage, I got back to business. I had to pay rent. I had to buy all my baby's food. I had chores to do. My parents (my dad and my "step" mom...mind you) did help with my baby and that was a God send! The job I got was shift work, so my parents really helped me when I needed them. I lived there for just over 1 year...but when I left, I had a car, my own place, and all the things I would need to live there. I haven't been back home since..although, from time to time, my mom asks if my daugther can move back in--empty nest! (hee hee)
Boundries....boundries...boundries!!! Draw up an rental agreement if you can't oust the SD and grandbabies....