New, and really need to reach out before this resentment gets worse
I have been figuring out how to write my story all day because I am very big with words and how they come across with an online setting. But here it is.
I am a step-mom to a daughter who is 7, who has ADHD and unspecific mood disorder (because of her age they do not want to say JUST yet she is bi-polar, which runs in her family as well). I have only been with her father for a little over 2 years, we eloped and it was not a shock we got married, and the SD was super excited at the time.
I worked in WV for about 7 months when we first got married, then moved down here. The same time that I moved down here, her mother started going downhill (more). Her mom has always abandoned her, abused her and others around her, and is just down right mean when she is not on her medication for bipolar disorder. Even with meds she needs to be monitored but without meds, even CPS says she should not be around her kids (there are 5, from 4 different men). Needless to say SD has had a very dramatic childhood so far.
When I moved here I decided to start online college for Psychology and to be a stay at home parent because SD has never had a female figure stay in her life for long, and be good for her. I was hoping that I could help in that area. I never wanted to be full-time, I wanted her mom to get help and be there for her, but when I moved here, SD’s mom left. She got arrested for drugs, violated probation 2 times, and called false reports on her the previous kids fathers. We have not heard from her since September, 2011, so needless to say, I am temp mommy. When her mom disappeared SD changed, and changed for the worse.
She now and has been for a year, hurting herself, making herself sick (holding in urine and poop), beating up her legs til they are bruises, stealing, sneaking, hurting animals and people for no reason, just straight refusing to do school work at school. We even had to remove her from school because she tried to hurt herself in the middle of class after she had pushed another girl to the floor. We have had to admit her 2 times to a hospital since August, and although some things have gotten like way better, some things have gotten so much worse.
I am homeschooling her now. The doctor asked if it was possible, and my husband and I decided we would try it. I already stay home and go to college myself, so hopefully I could do the two. I have only been homeschooling her since November, and I have already had a break down where I had to convince my doctor not to admit me into a hospital for a mental break from my life. Homeschooling is one thing, and college is another, but homeschooling a child who refused and down right will take 8 hours to do one paper is totally another. We were hoping with her home that she would be use to the rules, and apply them to school and I was totally wrong.
We will not be homeschooling past this year, I mentally cannot do it. About 2 to 3 days a week she fights me, and we are ending up having to do school work until 7pm at night. I had to take a leap of absence from my school because I literally had lost myself in her because she needs so much help, and she has never had many people even her father stand up for her. I relate to her because I was her, and I got lucky to have a step-grandpa and grandma to take me and even adopt me.
Since I have been here, my life has stopped. I rarely go anywhere with the SD, even have to share a room with her, in which we had to take our huge walk in closet, and convert it into a room because she would not stop stealing and hurting the animal while we were asleep, I was afraid to sleep for while, it sucks. I do not know where I am going with this except I need help. I know there is a way to reach her, I just don’t know it yet.
I am so lost on what to do with her and how to bond with her. I am starting to resent her because everything she does now makes me sad, or angry or just so hurt that I can barely look at her. She is a freaking kid, no adult should feel like this, but I do and I want advise on how to change, or to help the situation, or bonding ways. I mean I have tried so many things, I have taken advise from doctor after doctor, and friend after friend. It is beyond me. I resent her, but I want to help her. Does this even make sense?
You are an amazing woman!
You are an amazing woman! What a lucky little girl you sd is to have you! You don't see it now but I bet someday you'll see all your hard work come to fruition. I don't have any advice... But for what it's worth, I'm really proud of you!
The girls needs far more help
The girls needs far more help than you can get here. You need to realize that you can't save everyone and I can guarantee you cannot save this girl by yourself.
The sooner you admit that the sooner you can get on with your life. I would suggest that the father go to the child protective services for advise on where he can get institutional help. The girl is hurting animals, other humans and herself. I would not want to be in a house overnight with her and as she gets older I would not want to be near her at all.
My step-son eventually got so bad in different ways from this girl his mother and I eventually took him to a inpatient psychiatric hospital. After 30 days after my medical insurance ran out we simply refused to pick him up and C.P.S. was called. They threatened us with child abandonment but our answer was the situation was so bad jail was better and they would soon realize why. Which they did and nothing came of the threatened charge.
Last I heard the boy was a meth user on the streets of Las Vegas but I don't feel one shread of self-doubt. We were not in charge and he was bound and determined to do as he damned well pleased. Fortunately he was never a physical threat to us which you cannot claim.
You've given it your best shot and it is not going to work. The girls family has a history of mental illness and you are not qualified to take this on. Tell your boyfriend to get her in an institution or you'll have to abandon both of them. I know its heartbreaking but you cannot do this alone.
She does need help, and she
She does need help, and she is getting it. She is only 7 years old, locking her up for the rest of her childhood is not going to do anything but make her feel more abandoned than she already does. Plus she is 7, I could never give up on a 7 year old because they barely even understand how to express feelings let alone the feelings I am sure she is feeling after the abuse and abandonment of her birth-mother. Locking her up for long term is not an option. If she gets treatment early enough it is possible to help control it better as a teen. If my parent had given up on me, I have no clue where I would be. I was just like her. Locking them up is not the only choice in my eyes. Until I have tried everything in the world, I would never....I couldn't, she has already been abandoned and I watched that pain, why would I put her through it again?
Look into attachment
Look into attachment disorder. Read up on it and prepare yourself.
Get the girl back in school ASAP and have her evaluated by the special Ed coop where trained professionals can teach her.
If you are on the verge of a mental breakdown you need to step back whether you want to do so or not. Having a mother figure on the verge of a mental breakdown is probably not all that helpful, Kwim?
You also may need to accept that she may never bond with you nor anyone in fact.
I'm also concerned that you don't mention what your dh is doing for her.
Oh, and get rid of the animal for goodness sake. It doesn't deserve to be hurt and if you know this is cccurring you should remove all the animas from the home
The doctor mentioned
The doctor mentioned attachment disorder, but over-ruled it going through her history. I know she has an attachment problem, but I am not sure it is disorder. I am taking a step-back now. We cannot move her back to school until we move (the school in this area refused to follow an action plan for her, and refused to involve us in what big things were going on at school), it is why I am taking time off my school so I can focus on just her little subjects, and my DH does the big stressful things with her (math and vocabulary)
I also know it is not healthy for me to be having mental break downs. As soon as I had it, I called for emergency appointments with all my doctors and therapist. I am making sure to take the steps I need to refocus on me. For a year I did not focus on myself, and I lost myself in her, now I am digging myself out. I finally am having a bigger voice, and the DH does many things for her. BM abandoned her when she was 1 and 1/2 and did not come back until she was 3. She then was barely there. DH was there ALL the way. He fed her, clothed her, lost jobs staying home when she was sick, and has done everything for this girl ALONE until she was 4, and then at 4 BM only helped for another year, then disappeared again. DH has always been there, and he is trying to make things easier on me by taking over things that she and I just cannot agree on.
I want to bond with her ebcause when you see her at a moment where she is so lost and sad, you can see how she earns just to be held, loved, and cared for no matter what. and she never got that from her mom. I know we may not ever bond, but I rather try all resources before I give up.
The animal hurting stopped. We took her to a shelter and she took a class on how to take care and hold an animal. She only makes the cat yelp when she hugs it too tight because she wants to cuddle with her. We had 3, and got rid of 2.
I have my own daughter who I had to put up for adoption because she was autistic, I was a single mom unable to work because there was not a daycare who would take her. I did an open adoption and this cat was the cat I got after the adoption. It is too much to let go of.
Wow, you twisted what I said
Wow, you twisted what I said totally about my daughter. You made me out to be a monster who said fuck it, but that's not it. It took me effing MONTHS to make that choice. I took care of her by myself for 3 years. No father to help, family to help. Just me and her. When I found out what was wrong, I tried every outlet. So do not say I gave up my daughter. Giving up my daughter means I do not care about her, I do not have contact with her, and I am not there for her. I may not live with her, but I'll be damned if I would not be allowed in her life. I am sorry I had no college education, and in the state I was in all they wanted to do is put her in a special class and not actually help her. But you can say I gave up my child, maybe your view is twisted to suite what you wanna say.
I did an open adoption, again
I did an open adoption, again I was the only person in her life for 3 years, what type of person would I be to just disappear?