My SS squeeked by with HS graduation.  Though we did not hold his hand and badger the school on his behalf.  We sat him down, told him we either go to his graduation on the scheduled day or we drop him off at the local homeless camp with a brand new Walmart sleeping bag, a Walmart pup tent, and a heavy winter coat.  To hammer home the message I drove him into Philly  and dropped him off at the homeless camp under the Interstate and left him there for a couple of hours to meet his new neighbors.  I drove off, circled back ad parked behind a dumpster behind a strip center across the street where I could see him.  I love those dear people in the homeless camp. They welcomed him, lectured the shit out of him, scared the crap out of him, then gave him a tour of the camp, fed him, gave him a bottle of water, and hugged him when he would break down in tears.  It was winter and very cold.  I pulled up after a couple of hours, honked, gave him the get in the car finger wag and drive him back to his idealic life in affluent suburbia where we saw nothing but butt cheeks and elbows as he ground out his last semester of HS ... with honors. That kid worked his butt off the last semester of HS.  We had catered to him his whole llife and his mom knew she had one last chance to deliver a very pointed parenting message.  So, he graduated on time at a school where he knew no one. We moved shortly afte we dropped him off at Military School to start his Jr. year.   Our local HS was the highest ranked in the state so it was a great school but it was foreign territory for SS.

We had pulled him out of Military School at winter break of his Sr. year and brought him home to finish his last semester at a HS where he knew no one.  His SpermIdiot had helped him hack the school firewall and they would game all night.  The next day he would be comatose in class and ended up failiing the only class the first semester of Sr. year that he needed to graduate.  It was not offered in the Spring or over the summer so we would have had to foot an extra semester of boarding school costs for one class. So... we brought him home and put his outcome entirely on his shoulders.  We scared the shit out of him with the homeless camp visit, and we made his life a living hell for the last semester of HS.  He stepped up.

We did the rules, stay at home rent free after HS graduation if he was a full time college student, working full time, or part time student with a part time job thing with him as you did with your SD.  He was not interested in either college or a job.  So... we turned him into our live in endentured servant/beck-&-call boy, chore bitch.  We worked that kid's ass off.   His mom put up the detailed weekly chore spread sheet broken out by day and hour.  If he failed to get the days chores done, he was on the curb for the next day when his mom and I left for work.  His place in the home was day by day and completely dependent on completing the day's jobs.  He tested us twice and both times he did he was on the curb with no food, no key, no phone.  That was all it took.  Our home was spotless for the next 8mos until we dropped him off at the MEPS center to leave for USAF BMT.  He decided that if he was going to work he might as well make some money rather than just have a roof over his head, food to eat, and clothes to wear. He had always been clear with us that he was not ready to focus and be successful in college and that it would be a waste of his time and our money... at that time.   I am actually proud that he was self aware enough to stand his ground on that and not screw up his accademic record by flunking out of college.

He has been in the USAF with a successful career for 9.5 years, has completed his AS in Computer Science and is working, though slowly, on completing his BSCS.  His mom and I are very proud of him.

You might try escalating the misery with your useless SD rather than any level of coddling.  

I also think that you are wrong that she is not the enemy. She is the enemy. She is her own worst enemy and she will not learn a thing until she hits rock bottom.  Your DH needs clarity that HE is the cause of his daughters failures because he coddled her rather than parenting her and it is long past time to cut off any tender support of this kid.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

Yours is a cautionary tale, one that we often hear.

The bottom line is, your H had eleven years to teach his daughter how to adult and be a good citizen. Instead, he selfishly did what was easiest and felt good. He DID ruin his kid by parenting from guilt, and then he found you, a good parent, to come on board and be the bad guy. The minute you started helping a.k.a. overfunctioning, things were doomed to fail. 

SD is who she is, a product of bad genes and poor parenting. You need to let her go. Disengage, go No Contact, stop overfunctioning for your H, and get some emotional distance from this adult relative of your H.

It's common for us to want to blame the skid and protect our spouse, but that doesn't make it right. And while it's good that your H has admitted he is the one to blame, you have every right to be angry with HIM and upset by all the upheaval. Hold him accountable, don't let him play the martyr, and work with your (marriage?) counsellor to get through these feelings. At the same time, you have a right to a peaceful home. SD violated your agreement, and IMO should not be allowed back unless/until her relationship with all of you improves.

You are not alone, and it isn't you. Many of us have been through the same thing.

Taboo228, you have only been married for 1.5 years and going through all of this? 1.5 years seems like it should still be the honeymoon phase for a new couple. So sad you didn't heed to the red flags prior to marrying your DH. Or better yet, it is so unfortunate you didn't find this message board beforehand. 

You said "Now - DH is going back on it all: they were MY rules and expectations, that he didn't want her to move out, that she should still be home. I am pissed." I would be pissed too. She's 21. At what age does he think she should launch? Or does he want her to stay home until she is 30, 40, or 50? Smh. So he's blaming you and you are blaming her??? As someone on this board stated, your DH is the culprit. The members of this board will definitely let you know your DH is in no way innocent. 

You aren't even a little bit appalled by his poor parenting skills?  This board helped open my eyes to alot of things about the disney dad/guilty father I was in a relationship with. I dumped him prior to finding this board, but members here helped me realize I made the right decision. The way I see it, men like my ex, your DH, and other disney dad/guilty father types are just disgusting. You said you are fighting for your marriage? I sure hope you aren't fighting for it alone. Doesn't sound like your dh is on the same page as you at all. Would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

Because my ss20 seems to be very similar in nature to your Sd, down to the guilt the father via silent treatment thing. I do think you should stand your ground, you and the minor children DESERVE to have peace and tranquility in your home 

We get it.  You see the problem, know the direction to move to fix it.  So many of us on here are or were fixers too. 
 

But you focused on the wrong problem.  It is not your SD.  It's 100% your DH as many above have said.  He is the core problem for not holding HIS daughter accountable.  While I understand he was caretaking for his aging parent, In not keeping a short leash on his daughter as her behaviour spiraled, then finding you and dragging you into the mess he created by not parenting, he set you up.

Some favorite mantras around here:

- You can't care more than the parent

- Not your circus not your monkey.

What inevitably happens is that the SM who steps in to try to help absolutely becomes the bad guy while the Disney daddies wring their hands and just don't know what to do with their out of control progeny, Ignoring the years of non parenting that got them there.  But they can easily find a partner who will try to step in, before being blamed by the skid who resents their help and rules and the parent who is now upset that the misplaced parenting by the step partner has made little precious step kid angry.

The other favorite mantra: disengage.

While you should not at any point weaken and allow step kid to return (hill to die on), you also need to refocus your frustration on the root cause: your DH.  He is both a terrible parent and a not very good partner in setting you up to be his fall guy.  Not that he's malicious.  As a poster above said, he just wants things to be easy.  By inserting yourself as a fixer, you made things easier on him in the short term, but now he can blame you that precious doesn't want to come back.

Take a huge step back. Let him and only him deal with his kids.  Stop being his fall guy.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Turn around, disengage and save yourself.

Your SO told you a story you married him now he going back on his word.  How many times do we see that here. ???
get your head out of the sand.  It's all DH fault. Not SD.  She was trained this way.  She is not going to change.  I would not change. Nothing like sitting home having Daddddddy support me. Not have to do anything 

Thankful that Daddddy married a maid.  And cook. So SD can live the good life.  Put your foot down make DH put SD out. Or this is going to be your life.  Playing second to SD. 

graciously tried to help. You spent exhausting hours trying to make her a better person, a responsible person, while daddy just sat back and eagerly passed his parenting baton to you, despite the fact YOU HAD AGREED TO HOW THINGS WOULD BE DONE in advance.

HE IS YOUR PROBLEM, and the mastermind behind all of this chaos. 

Another member on here had dates that she and her DH had agreed to that he would not spend with SKs. They signed off on it as  pact with each other. Well, he got a case of amnesia and decided to not only break their agreed upon dates, but TORE HER PAPER with both their signatures up in front of her. Essnetially, when he said "yes" to them, he said "no" to his marriage.

I'm telling you this because I see the similarities in that scenario and yours. Though the details differ, the framework is the same; betrayal on DH's behalf to YOUR AGREEMENT.

It's no wonder the SD is a poor example of what an "adult" child should look like, you have nobody to blame but her father, your DH.

You had invested so much time whereas her father has decided to go the more comfortable route, and now you are paying for his guilt driven lack of parenting.

So sorry.