I would be perfectly fine with a resturant without me - thank you winterglow boundaries are staying up. Yeah, it's a slow degradation then- what about christmas? this day? that day? a sunny day?? Keeping it black and white is best. 

Lol...DH is just extremely honored to be graced by adult SS's presence. He was beyond floored that he could actually make the time...on a sunday...and drive the 30 minutes. I think SS providing anything more then that would be in another dimension. 

Yeah thanks sandye21, it's much easier to be the one on the other end who doesn't recieve the consistent abusive behavior and just wants "one big happy family." I get IT. I wanted that too but we're past this working out. I also find that the less I am involved it gets harder and harder to point the blame or focus on me when something does not go right. I've begun to point out when the focus is on me but should NOT be. For instance, other SS called and made a myriad of poor decisions. I was in the background not in the convo but at one point I made a face of disdain after listening to some of the terrible decision making. Again said nothing. After the call DH takes me aside to talk about "my facial expression"....but somehow the horrendous decision making that caused me to make that expression was ignored. I was floored at my ability to articulate that the focus should not be on ME and my facial expression but the behavior of adult SS. That is where he should put his focus. So the more I drift away and play a perhiperal role I have begun to see where the scapegoating is happening and it's helped me to have greater clarity. 

You're right Clove. it's time to carry their own problems and figure it out. I take a lot of pressure off this family by being the whipping post. Truly. When I actually stepped back I realized I was pretty much the blame for all things and everyone had no reaosn to look at their own behavior or be held accountable. 

That's right CajunMom - hopefully he can rummage up the cash to buy a meal on Father's Day. We'll see. He actually does nice gestures (sort of) towards his dad, but he's real d*** towards me. Adult SS isn't overtly nasty (that would be easier to handle), instead he acts as if he's been abused, awkwardly stands (doesn't sit down) at the dinner table (this was when he was invited over), and blames me for everything. From the outside you'd think I did something really wrong and that's why there is this broken bird. I have no idea what he told himself in his head. But either way it is NOT good for me- I don't deserve this after being a very kind and extremely generous stepparent. People buy into the act ALL the time and because there's no discussing the matter just extremely sulky acting that looks as if he was abused, there is always this assumption that I must have been the problem. I want to also note that I have never physically or verbally abused the man- in fact I probably go a little too far not to even say anything that could disturb this sensitive soul. So by removing myself far far away I really wonder if the act is still going on. If it is- I guarantee he's saying "It's because of HER that I am this way."

Sage advice. Yeah, I have to see this as an assault on a healthy boundary. Healthy boundaries are made because they are necessary and should not be broken. Thank you Rags. 

Yes, that's a great analogy Exjuliemccoy- we are blocking the way. It's a strange thing - the adult SKIDs are lacking in love, energy, ambition and giving joy but extremely expectant of recieving these things. They don't give full wrath, it's like a simmering of hatred under the surface, where they watch your moves and unleash misery in a slow release- displaying displeasure in their expressions at having to be around and expectant. I do have one adult SS who is slightly better. Although I consider myself and many others believe ot be a pretty magnamous person who can be captivating he makes certain to fall asleep if I've said more than a couple sentences. Then I have the other adult SS who doesn't unleash with dragon's breath full blast either, just a slow leak of posinous carbon monoxide - its there and it's killing you slowly. He remains silent, not answering and sending a message through his body language that you are SCUM. You begin to feel slightly insecure- Have I done something wrong? Said something harmful? And after questioning yourself, you can feel a doomsday of judgement fall over the home- a very dark shadow happens and you find he's become extremely self righteous and you haven't even spoken a word. It's totally bizzarre and because of this behavior over and over I had no way to directly correct it and found myself falling into a deep hole of depression. The abuse is more like a slow drip, very hard to reprimand but you can instantly feel the extreme disdain and dislike he has. Everyone else acts oblivious or believes he must have been "abused" - trust me I am pretty thick skinned and after years of this and criticisms here and there I finally had it. 

That's right SeeYouNever- it's the best option.

Yes that's right Noway2b1. It's very strange the dynamic- hard to totally pin it down but I find myself having to become smaller in all ways. I used to just think about putting myself in a cupboard or becoming an inanimate object in the room to blend in and avoid being there. Adult SKIDs at this point should honor the dad and yeah...there's a dynamic you're picking up on where the expectations are yet again shoveled on to me. THanks for your wisdom, this was good to read. 

AgedOut the options are ENDLESS you just can't pick the one where it includes me. :D 

Thank you bertieb, that feels just like what I deal with - except I don't cook for them any longer! It's a waste. Everyone complains and you are right - they show up with DQ blizzards and then the meal is spoiled. PLEASE STOP doing that ! No reason to make things for people who won't appreciate it or not even eat it. 

Father's Day- yeah...hopefully your SKIDs can get their act together. As for you - Why not just go? Truly, no one is going to miss you unless they need you to be a maid, nanny, cook, housekeeper- just GO! If you wanted to stay for the grandkids then I would understand or if there's some reason for DH but it sounds like that's not the case and you already have an upset stomach over the whole thing. Do something very sweet directly for your DH and then hit the road! Or if the SKIDs fail to do anything nice for your DH then you guys go get yourself a meal and treat each other. 

Yeah- I think DH wants the family together. THe problem is the family together in the past worked for everyone else but me. When you are the scapegoat, evil stepparent, treated like garbage and expected to serve everyone and be there for everyone but recieve nothing in return it works for everyone else. They get what they want and I get nothing. It's actually a genius way to run things, I am just on the wrong end of the deal. 

100% agree with this Harry. It is exactly that and I agree- I am not lifting a finger to cook a meal that I know will 100% be unappreciated and I will be treated less then the dogs. No thanks. Been there, done that.