You are here

Advice Needed: How to start educating your young SK's on where you fit into their lives...

Arial36's picture

Hi Everyone, I'm relatively new still - only one or two posts since I joined about 3 months back so please bear with me!!

A bit of info about us before I go on to my main reason for writing. I am 36 and my BF is 35, he has 2 daughters from his previous marriage (SD4.5 and SD2.7) and I have never been married. We have been together for almost 2 years now and have lived together for about 1.5 of those years. We plan on getting engaged early next year (fingers crossed!!!) and hopefully married by the end of 2010. We would also like a child of our own. We see the girls very often - at least 2 or 3 times during the working week - my BF will pick them up from school and they'll come over for a couple of hours before they go back home to their Mum who lives just 5 mins away. We also have them to sleep over and spend the weekend with us EOW - but it's really flexible and we actually see them at some point on most weekends.

Needless to say, I am forming quite a strong bond with the little ones - even though they drive me nuts on occasions! lol...but I guess I don't have any children of my own as yet so I'm still getting used to the situation. Anyway the reason for my post...it is becoming quite clear that the little girls don't really understand where I fit into their lives. They know the obvious...that Daddy and Arial live together, but we have never actually 'explained' our relationship - never given a name to it as it were - like eg: 'partners' or something. The reason why this is becoming a problem is that whenever someone says to either girl (but especially the eldest) something like.."Your Mummy is over there..." (referring to me) the eldest SD will say..."She's not my Mummy. She is Arial"...but I can see in her face that she would like to say something like..."She is MY Arial"...you know what I mean?...like "My Mum" - but she knows that I am not her Mum, but doesn't really know what I am because I act like a Mum! It's as though she would like to give me a title or something which means I am special to her.

I think it's important that I add that I am from South Africa where it is customary for children to address all adults as "Aunty SOandSO" or "Uncle SoandSo" - regardless of whether they are related or not as it is seen as a sign of respect. Having said that however, the title of "Aunty"/"Uncle" isn't fitting for a stepmom/dad. So in situations like this it is quite acceptable for children to call their stepparents by their first names only.

And I think that it's this custom that is making it difficult for the girls to understand who I really am and where I fit into their lives.

Do you think it is just a matter of time and they will eventually understand where and how I fit in? I think it may be easier for them when we get engaged as then we can say that soon Daddy and Arial will be married and then Arial will be your step mom...etc (but that in itself will need some explaining...like what is the difference between Mom and Step Mom...especially at their age!!!!!!)

Gosh I hope I am making some sense...it's just that I can see the confusion in their little faces at times when they are wondering WHO I am. At the end of the day, I would love to make them understand my relationship with their father better.

Thanks so and sorry for the ramble!!!

JustAnotherSM's picture

This takes me back to when my SS was only 2 years old (he's 17 now). When I first started dating DH, we told SS that I was "Daddy's special friend". That automatically made me "SS's special friend" too. But he generally called me by my first name. When he got a little older, it seemed creapy to keep calling me "special friend". So we tried to come up with a fun nickname for me. But that backfired when SS suggested things like Butthead and Boogereater. So we left it with SS calling me by my first name all these years. He understood that people would sometimes call me his mom, but we just shared a smile whenever that happened.

livinthedream's picture

When DH & I first married...one of the skids called me mom. As a result,BM pulled all visitation (not legal) out from under us. I looked at the good in all of it...being that I was free from all the nonsense for those 2yrs. Now, Im called by my first name. What I learned from all that was that....I didnt want DH or skids punished by BM for one word-MOM! I am happy to tell you skids will learn where you fit in by the parenting you provide. In my situation, its all about just being a close family friend & letting them know that I have authority in my home along with DH.I wish you lots of luck with your new family.