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End of my tether

Mambury28's picture

Hi from the UK to everyone. This is my first post and boy do I need to rant!! I have 2 SDs, K is 31, S is 28. I also have 2 of my own, a boy and girl who are the same age as my SDs. I have been in my SDs lives for 11 years, I married their dad 6 years ago. The youngest lived with us for a short while when we first lived together. Their mother is an alcoholic, also suffers from borderline personality disorder. She is a complete nightmare and has really screwed her daughter's up, K has had major relationship issues and S has an eating disorder, although she doesn't recognise it. I do feel for them, as they have in the past, kept trying to have a relationship with their mother, but she just keeps letting them down by getting drunk, being abusive, violent or threatening suicide. I am a very maternal person and I suppose I have naturally been that way towards them when they've needed that sort of relationship in their life. Their dad is a lovely, gentle man but not the worlds greatest communicator, so I think I've jumped in when he hasn't.

My relationship with my youngest SD was rocky for the first couple of years but has improved as long as I don't have to see too much of her! She lives about 150 miles away. It's strange that although their mother treated them so badly they both have the hugest egos. When they do visit, they take over the house, have no respect for our things and have actually stolen from me. I just keep the peace, as does their dad and I end up getting really frustrated! The most recent annoyance is S, every time she visits her eating habits have changed. We live 4 miles from a shop so it's a real pain when I have to keep getting in extra stuff that she will eat, or restocking on food I have bought for a particular recipe....she doesn't drive. I confronted her this time and she has said it is my problem, basically because I am jealous of her healthy eating routine!! I just don't know what to say in response, so have said nothing.

This part is a beaut, so stick with me! I was adopted, I found my dad when I was 37. Loved him to bits but he died after I had known him for only 3 years. To look at me you would assume that I am white British but I discovered that dad was half Nigerian. After he died I was really curious about my Nigerian roots and found a distant cousin living in the UK, we'll call him E. We met, he was gorgeous, charming and I fell for him, we had a very brief affair. I wasn't in a relationship at the time. We lost touch. Years later, I am with my present husband, E gets in touch on Facebook and we become friends. I was very happy by this time and just thought it would be nice to be back in touch with a family member, stupid I know! E then starts contacting my SDs, I warned Soph as I smelt something fishy going on, she said she could see what he was up to. He then moved on to K. She fell for him hook, line and sinker. He is 20 years older than her. I warned her, told her about my affair but her dad and I were told to butt out and she had no contact with us for about 18 months. She had a son with him, J. He is nearly 2 now. When J was 3 months old we heard that the relationship between K and E was over, that he was abusive and she had thrown him out. She was in a mess and was going to her mothers. We made things up with her and she was going to share her time between us and her mum. True to form, her mother goes off the rails and K and J come to live with us. They were here for 8 months. I found it really hard I must admit but I soldiered on until close to the end we did have a big blow up, but we did makes things up again. It has left me with quite bad anxiety issues.

K and J moved about 300 miles away to resume her studies. After a few weeks she resumed a relationship with an old university friend. They have moved to a bigger house, he has become a father to J and they are getting married in December, this has all happened in the space of 11 months! That's all fine, we're letting her get on with it! Our problem is that now she has her new partner and his family, we are surplice to requirements! She makes no effort to keep in touch, I'm the one who has to message and suggest skyping, she invited none of my husbands family to the wedding. The new partners parents are now granny and grandad. I don't know what to do about it. We're hurt and angry that she has such a short memory. I do find it very hard accepting J as a step grandson due to my relationship with his dad but I don't think K would ever have have seen that.

Any comments would be very welcome if you have managed to read this through to the end! Smile

enuf's picture

I agree. Do not allow the one who stole to enter your home. However, in the case of the sd getting married and letting go of the relationship with you and dh, maybe it is the best thing as there is a lot of baggage there especially knowing that you had sexual relations with the father of her child. Even though it happened way before she got involved with him it is an issue and baggage.

Sometimes the best we can do in life is to let go of the past and do a start over and it sounds as if though you sd did that and it also sounds like a good solid relationship as she gets on well with the in-laws and they are moving into a bigger house.

Yes, she relied on you for help after the relationship fiasco and it was kind of you to open your home to her. Your feelings are hurt because you now feel used and that she did not appreciate what you did for her. However in this situation, I would urge you to let her go with kindness. She picked herself up from the mess of the relationship, and got her life in order. You are reminder to her of the relationship she was in, you also told her to watch out regarding this man, but she did it anyway. Give her time and space and just focus on the relationship with your dh. We all want the sks to leave the nest and she has done that.