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Emotional Abuse and When to Cut Ties

onespentstepmom's picture

Step Parents, I need your guidance.  My ultimate question is is it okay to cut ties with my stepson entirely?  Will my husband and his family resent me (because I won't allow my step son around my kids or me)?  This likely means we won't come to family events if my stepson is there.

Heres the last 17 years in a nutshell:

I am a step mom to two adult children (both boys), ages 21 & 22.  I've been in their lives since they were 4 & 5.  My husband and his ex-wife has been divorced for about 2 years when we started dating.  My husband and I also have three boys ages 11, 11 & 9.

My oldest stepson (22) has been and angry soul since the day I met him, and our friends tell me he came out of the womb an angry child.  Over the years he has caused all sorts of problems in the family and for himself, he's destroyed property, been verbally abusive and now becoming physically abusive. I think he was Oppositinal Defiant as a child but his biological mom wouldn't hear it.  She had him seeing an ADHD life coach for many years, which did nothing for him as far as I could see and we had him 50% of the time.  

His biological mom wanted the three of us to co-parent to together which I commended her for at the time, but I've since come to realize, she didn't want to co-parent really...she wanted to control how we parented in our house.  Eventually I disengaged because none of my boundaries or values mattered, so I left the "parenting" to his biological parents.  I just couldn't take the frustration anymore because he was rarely held accountable for his behavior.  The times he was, the consequences were too lenient in my opnion.

As an adult, I think he's developed Narcissistic Personaliry Disorder or at least has tendencies consistent with it; he thinks very highly of himself, he lies about any situation he's gets himself into, blames other people for his problems, he has very few friends, and ends up destroying every friendship or relationship he ever has (again according to him, never his fault).

He quit college twice, moved in with his grandpa (my father in law) and ruined that relationship with his behavior and disrespect.  Then moved back in with us about 3 months ago.  My conditions were he get mental help and find an apartment of his own.  (Of course none of that happened). He had a couple very explosive reactions to disagreements with others, to a point we almost called the police on him twice.  

He's slapped my kids, tries to discipline them among other things...all things we've told him are not allowed.  Last weekend he slapped my 9 year old twice and lied about what really happened, so my husband removed him from our house for 24 hours and told him if he did it again, it would be 3 days next time.  He flipped out and has been calling me, yelling at me, calling me a bitch, sending threatening texts, insulting texts for two days; till I finally blocked him from my phone and all social media accounts.  At this point, I want to cut ties completely and not allow him around my kids until he has gotten help and proves he has changed or maybe never again.  The reality is he probably won't ever change.  He's showing verbal abuse and physical abuse tendencies.

I have felt bad for him over the years because I don't think he has had proper mental health support.  I've voiced my opinion to my husband and when he has talked with his ex, she makes the final call.  Now I am ready to cut ties entirely, but have told my husband if the two of them mend fences, that's okay.  He can spend 1:1 time with him, but it won't be at our house.  
 

Is it a mistake for me to cut ties entirely?  Part of me feels guilty because I should love and accept him unconditionally, but I have to protect my 3 young sons now too.  My biggest fear is my husband resenting me and his family being angry with me too. 
 

What would you do?

  

Kes's picture

Good gracious - I'm not surprised by your Username under the circumstances!   In my opinion, not only is it NOT a mistake for you to cut ties completely with this out of control adult, but you have to do so, for the sake of your childrens' welfare, and for your own mental health.   You say your biggest fear is your husband and his family resenting you if you do.  Honestly, that would be waaaay down my list of fears - why should you be verbally and/or physically abused or allow your children to be?  You have the right to say, no more - enough.  

I am glad you have at least banned him from your house and insisted that your DH sees him elsewhere, and that you have blocked him on your phone and on social media.  This young man needs help, that is plain, but you cannot be the ones to suffer because of him.  

Your girl's picture

No!  We have rules to co-exist in society.  We have rules to co-exist in public, we have manners, and politeness.  If anyone is hurting, harrassing, abusing, or physically hitting, intimidating your children.  If you dont get a restraining order, just tell your husband your rules.  You are allowed to "not" feel intimidated, bad emotions in your own family.  And you must demand you will be treated no less than you would demand from a friend.  Do not take abuse from family; they dont get a free pass.  No one else would.

Winterglow's picture

"He flipped out and has been calling me, yelling at me, calling me a bitch, sending threatening texts, insulting texts for two days"

I do hope you've saved these texts because what you should do is take them to the police station (or wherever you have to go for this) and file for a restraining order because you are scared (and even if you're not, you should be scared for your kids). 

tog redux's picture

Seriously? Your husband put him out for 24 hours as a consequence? If your son tells his teacher his adult brother slapped him, prepare for a CPS visit.  He needs to move out, post haste.  Your DH is not protecting his younger children and is enabling SS's failure to grow up.   If DH won't make him move out, they can both move out together. 

SteppedOut's picture

Right?!

OP, you are worried you husband will resent you? How the hell do YOU not resent HIM? Is he really OK with his adult son abusing you minor children?

If it was me? I probably would have already called the police. No way he would ever step foot in my home (without major mental health treatment- and even then, probably not).

ndc's picture

I think your fear (that your husband/family might resent you) is legitimate, but in no way should you feel guilty.  YOU are not responsible for this young adult's many issues; it is unreasonable to expect a stepmother to have unconditional love for a stepchild (especially one she was expected to help raise without having input/authority); and you have an obligation to protect your biological children who are being mistreated by your SS, not to mention exposed to unacceptable behavior.

It sounds like your husband's family is well aware of this kid's issues, and that he already has ruined relationships there, so it could turn out that they are more understanding than you anticipate.  In any event, I think you owe it to your children to keep this SS out of your home.  He's an adult and it's time for him to  launch anyway.

I agree with the PP who said you should save the texts and use them to get a restraining order if it continues.  You need to protect yourself and your kids.  Once SS finds himself on the outside, he may ramp it up.

Siemprematahari's picture

Yes absolutely cut ties with this abusive SS of yours and don't you have any regrets. You have an obligation to your children to protect them, even if that's against their own brother. Your H wants to tip toe around this like it's not that serious that's on him but you should NEVER allow SS back in your home. That would be my hill to die on. I wouldn't care what H's family thought, it is of no concern or relevance. You are the one who has been living this toxic life with SS for all these years, dealing with abuse and two parents who are not holding their child accountable for his behavior. 

He needs help and he needs to seek it outside your home. Should there be a next time I'd get a restraining order against him and if H plays guilty daddy he can up and leave too...heck divorce may be in the horizon as well if he doesn't step it up as a H and a father to his other children. 

Protect you and your kids OP.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

YOUR children are your first priority and you need to protect them. As mentioned above, had your son told his teacher, prepare for a visit from CPS as the teacher would be obligated to report. Your husband is deluding himself.

SS is a Toxic Person. You have every right to cut a Toxic Person out of your life, regardless of your relationship to them. Friend (frenemy), blood relative, step relation... CUT THEM OUT. 

onespentstepmom's picture

Thank you everyone for your helpful feedback.  You are all right! 

Sadly, I agreed to this set of consequences, so the fact it wasn't harsh enough is partlly on me.  My step son has been removed from our home and my kids know he's not allowed there.  He will never be allowed back in our house.

My stepson lied to his dad about what really happened, said they were just playing around.  I didn't see the altercation, but I was in the house and heard my son scream/cry immediately.  When I asked him to tell me what happened, he walked me thorugh it and it made sense based on what I'd heard.  My 9YO son doesn't have a history or a habit of lying, but my 22YO stepson does and lies every time he has a problem.  When I told my stepson he is an adult and not ever allowed to hit the kids and if they are doing something to him he needs to come get me or his dad to take care of it.  Hitting is never the answer.  He smirked, stuck his bottom lip out like a pout and walked away.  His dad wasn't home at the time and I called him to talk to him to agree to a consequence.  Then when his dad gave him the consequence we agreed to, step son lied and told him they were "just playing around" and that my son "started crying like a baby and ran to his mommy"...his words.  So herein lies how my stepson manipulates his dad.  Looking back at the whole situation, since he didn't defend himself when I told him (again) he is never allowed to hit the kids, etc., he never once said they were playing around and he didn't actually hurt him.  Only when he gets the consequence, then he lies.  True to an abuser, he then tried to give my kids candy after it all happened.  He was then removed from our house and my husband packed his stuff and dropped it off at his ex-wifes house.  He's not living with her, so we have no idea where he is.  Which is not my concern other than the threat he text me...something like "I know your schedule", but with some other explatives that I won't even type here.

I don't think he will go after my kids.  Based on his past behaviors, he may try to come after me for revenge because he's blaming me for this.  If he makes another move I will file a restraining order.

Just to lighten things, you should all know his biological mother is a parenting life coach and even has a podcast about parenting.  Typically it's a giant therapy session for her to complain about the things she's gone through.  There has not been any advice of value for any of her listeners.  I was listening to it for two reasons: 1.  I was hoping for insite into how she parents thinking maybe it will make me more understanding of her parenting style and 2. To be sure she doesn't slander my husband and I as she's done before.  Now, I don't care anymore and won't waste another minute of my life listening.  She cant talk smack about me, it only makes her look bad.  I'm no longer in a position to try to understand her style vs. ours and help the 22YO.

Now, I just need to let go of the anger and hurt and keep a look over my shoulder for a while.

tog redux's picture

Good news, glad he took a stand. If you get more threats, get a restraining for you and your children (or at least the son he has hit repeatedly).

SM12's picture

That way you will ensure your DH can’t cave and bring him back into the home.   Now it is just a piece of paper so you should be mindful of your surroundings in case your SS follows through on his threats.  But if you at leaDt get the RO, you can have him arrested for coming to your home or near you.  Tel your DH he can go live with SS elsewhere if he fails to be on your side about this.   

SM12's picture

That way you will ensure your DH can’t cave and bring him back into the home.   Now it is just a piece of paper so you should be mindful of your surroundings in case your SS follows through on his threats.  But if you at leaDt get the RO, you can have him arrested for coming to your home or near you.  Tel your DH he can go live with SS elsewhere if he fails to be on your side about this.   

Rags's picture

You need to cut your ball-less husband out of the parenting equation with your minor children. YOU call the police on the 22yo for abusing/assaulting your children and show DH what being a responsible parent is all about.

Press charges, get him on the child abusers list for life and get him the hell out of your home and your life.  Get an RO/PO against him and attend all of the family events with your DH. If the abusive SS is there, he leaves or he goes to jail.  Keep the RO/PO in place and do not tolerate this POS in your life, your marriage or in the lives of your young children.

Your DH obviously does not have the capability to put his foot up this abusive adult's ass so you are going to have to do it.  

Don't wait.  Call the police immediately and press charges on SS-22.  Maybe SS-21 will learn from the consequences that his elder brother experiences and have a chance at avoiding those mistakes in his own life.

Take care of your kids.

shamds's picture

and your husband kicked him out for 24hrs and saud to him next time it’ll be 3 days?? This is wrong. That basically says hubby isn’t interested in disciplining his kid.

reality is if skid is smacking your children on a regular basis when he has no permission or authority to do so, then hubby should be saying “get out of my house, you are not welcome until you apologize to everyone and are respectful etc”

by continually allowing him in to live at your home when he is an abusive adult, hubby is not protecting his minor kids one bit

hereiam's picture

Part of me feels guilty because I should love and accept him unconditionally,

Who says you have to love and accept him unconditionally? You don't.

Even if you love someone unconditionally, it does NOT mean that you have to put up with this kind of behavior and treatment, and it certainly does not mean that you should allow your kids to be abused by this person.

onespentstepmom's picture

You are right.  The love I once had for the step son is gone.  I no longer love this person and never will again.  He stole 17 years of my life that I can't get back.  I have cut off the step son and he is kicked out of the house and will never be allowed back in.  

If my husband ever allows him near my boys again even away from our house, I will divorce him.  That will be the end. 

greenskin's picture

I had an explosive SS and there came a point where he could not come back home. We had taken him to therapy. Tried to talk with him. Did what we could. But we had a minor, his SD, at the house and we had to protect her.

I'm sorry that you, too, had to deal with this. Physical violence is not okay. You have minor children in the home and you have to protect them.

And you need to protect yourself, too. Abusive people escalate without treatment/intervention. You've already done everything you can to help this person. You have your own children to raise and it's up to his BM and grandparents to help him. But if he's burning bridges with them, well, then he will probably end up learning the hard way.

It's difficult to watch. But I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in what you're experiencing.

 

onespentstepmom's picture

I'm sorry you too had to deal with this.  After letting go, did things improve for you and your husband?  Some days I feel like I am the bad person here, but it makes me crazy trying to help someone that doesn't admit he has a problem.

I am trying to get back in with our marriage counselor because I just found out from my husband he has let my SS go back to work for him.  My husband is a home builder and my SS was working for him when this latest incident happened.  The most recent event happened on a Sunday and SS didn't show up to work for 2-3 days.  My husband talked to him and let him come back to work, without manning up to what he'd done or apologizing to even my husband (I don't want an apology from him because it would be empty and meaningless but he owes his dad one).  Unbelieveable.  He said he "didn't want to take his job away too".  It is his business, but he should've talked with me about it because it affects me too.

I feel SO betrayed.  I am so angry I can't even look at my husband.  I'm trying to work through this and determine if this is the last straw and if the marriage is not the best place for me or my 3 sons to be.  I will say if I didn't have kids, I would be gone at this point.  But I need to consider how divorce would affect my kids against how staying in the marriage affects my kids.  I do love my husband, but this betrayal is a doozy that I'm not sure I recover from.  I don't know if I could ever trust him to respect my wishes when it comes to my SS ever being allowed near my kids without my consent.  Hopefully a professional can help me sift through that.

Rags's picture

If DH has other employees he just lost their loyalty and respect.  Playing the  "daddy card" can't happen in business.

I worked for my parents for a short time. and I never played the "son" card. In fact, I felt the need to bust my butt beyond what would be necessary for any other employer.

It was a good lesson that I have followed in my entire careeer.  Work for others as you would work for family or for yourself.

I hope DH has not cut his own throat by coddling his toxic spawn in his business.

strugglingSM's picture

You have every right to cut this abusive *adult* out of your life. It sounds like he has two enabling parents and he's gotten out of control. 

From what you've said, it sounds as though he's alienated others, so I don't think anyone will think any less of you for taking a step back from him. 

As far as mental health is concerned, I hope his mother is not still controlling whether or not he receives treatment. Does she show any signs of a personality disorder? I ask that because the BM in my life has "borderline" tendencies and I think she does things that will keep SSs dependent upon her. They were in counseling very briefly (she demanded counseling, threatening to take DH to court if he did not agree to the counselor she picked and saying the chidren were "in crisis", but then stopped taking them after two months). I think one of the reasons they stopped going was because the counselor was helping them to become more independent of BM. Instead of taking them to counselor, BM has them beg DH to go to counseling with her. One of them was supposedly diagnosed with anxiety at age 4 and BM recently said his pediatrician says he has OCD, but BM still hasn't resumed counseling. 

Your DH probably feels guilty about his son, but his son is now an adult and needs to learn to manage his own life. It's unfortunate for him that neither parent has equipped him to do that, but your DH has to show your children how responsible adults behave and their older adult half-brother is setting a bad example. 

Good luck! I have a SS who could become just like your adult SS, but he is still a young teen. I keep my fingers crossed that he doesn't become like that, but if he does, he will not find a place to stay in my home. He can stay with BM or MIL, both of whom enable his victim mentality. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

As one who has been through the adult stepkid mess, I say stop ALL contact with him period.  These kind of people don't change.  I knowthat from experience.

Your children should not be hit, slapped or anything else by this man.  Yes, he is an adult.  You need to let your husband know, one last time, that you are keeping a record and that the next time you will call the police for assult if he hits you, or any of your children.

 

In fact, skip the warning, just call the police next time.  That kind of behavior is far too dangerous to just let continue.  But you can let your husband know just what you plan to do.  Be ready, he will go at you about how it is your problem, you expect too much, etc.  NO, abuse is abuse.

onespentstepmom's picture

Update:  SS is now 24 and recently totaled my vehicle by throwing pavers bricks on it and taking a sledgehammer to every panel and window.  He's in jail but will likely get out next week.  He came to a place he was not invited to because he's still not allowed to be around me or my kids (he never apologized for the events I described in the original post).

At this point, I told my husband we will divorce if he has any sort of relationship with him ever again.  My husband now says he's done with his son permanently and will never have a relationship again.  I don't trust that will stick.  My SS exhibits psychopathic behavior and is very manipulative/will likely play on my husbands guilty feelings.  He did try to call from jail on NYE and my husband didn't take the call.

My question to all of you is if you've had a step child that has progressed to this level, does their violence get even more dangerous?  Is he likely to hurt or kill one of us? Is divorce our only option to keep myself and our 3 children safe?  I'm concerned even if we move, he'll eventually find us and this continues.  

I don't know what the right thing to do is for our other three kids - deal with the trauma of the SS or deal with the trauma of divorce?

Thank you for any advice you can give.

sandye21's picture

I agree with you totally.  No, there is no room for reconsideration.  SS must stay away from your home permanently, possibly get a restraining order.  Before DH has any contact with his son he must make arrangements for psychiatric care.  If DH wants to see him it must be somewhere else and with the knowledge that anything and everything to do with SS is not to be discussed in your home.  

Rags's picture

I would make sure to have an RO/PO on that POS for the rest of his life. Keeping him away from you, your kids, and your home.

If he violates it, shoot his ass.

If you DH continues to jeopardize the safety of his wife and young children by having anything to do with his POS spawn, he is just as much a POS as his failed family breeding tragedy and you nor your children need either one of them in your lives.

IMHO of course.

Chelseaman83's picture

Just realised it's two years later since your original post,Yes the guy is a pyscopath ,He will never stop until you are dead,It's domestic violence and in the end that's how most on going domestic violence ends,Someone ends up dead or you end up killing him,You need to get away far away as possible move to the other side of the country or move state,Just get away cut all ties from this guy,He will never stop ,I'm worried though incase your husband gives into his guilt trips and manipulative behaviour,Talk to hubby and move away,Change numbers change emails change anything that can stop him from finding you,Good luck.

tfsimmons's picture

So, here you are, two years later with the hate and violence only escalated... #1 Just as "Rags" said - get that Restraining Order against SS. #2  You are at a place where you need to protect yourself and your children. Period.  Gun Shops and Gun Ranges are all around - as are Concealed Carry Classes - which is a great place to start as a beginner.  Find an instructor you like, meet with them once a week to get used to using a weapon at the Range together.  Purchase gun you're comfortable with and ammo and keep it out of reach - don't even tell your asshole husband.  Find your inner Mamma Bear Bitch Bad Ass that is Godly given within you and keep her close by.  Alert your local Police Dept. when your Evil SS is released so they check your house regularly.  Because of being threatened by my homeless druggie drunk gang banging 54 yr old SD - I have done all the above.  
Be empowered instead of being a victim.  And, If I were you, I'd go see your city's top Divorce Attorney for a consult.

In all things, Go with God's Blessing and Protection always!

Elea's picture

I haven't read all the other comments but your first duty is to your BK's. They are innocent children and do not deserve to be slapped or to witness their Mother being abused by a SK. You can't control what your husband or anyone else thinks of you. You only have control over your own choices. The SS has to go. Your husband can try to get him help (or not) but that is not your problem to solve. Either your husband will support you or won't but either way you have to do what you have to do. Hopefully your husband is not an idiot and comes to accept your choices. 

Elea's picture

Just read your update. DH protects you fully or divorce him IMO. Divorce is better than being dead.

onespentstepmom's picture

I do have an order of protection, a gun and my conceal and carry license, so we are good there.  We all know the order for protection isn't worth the paper its written on, which is why I have a gun.  That said, this asshole could do anything...burn our house down, etc.  I need to find a therapist who specializes in psychopathy so I can assess the level of risk this will happen again if I staying married and if it will stop if I divorce.

Survivingstephell's picture

Look up Dr George Simon.  He has a website and books on character disordered people.  Might help you with your plans and get you something until you find a therapist.  

Chelseaman83's picture

I read up until he slapped your 9 year old, Then blood started to boil,If that was me and he slapped my child he would be in the ICU after I severely hurt him,The guy is a POS,He's been offered mental health support but obviously hasn't taken it or gotten anything out of it,He suffers narcissist disorder,Where he believes he is above everybody else fk everyone else and their feelings,Fk my step mother and her three kids is the energy I'm getting from this ,You need to cut all ties from the POS,He hurt your kids,Half brothers step Brothers older brothers whatever is never an excuse to slap a 9yo, He has no respect nor feelings for you and sadly never will,

 

You need to tell your husband you and your kids safety comes first so cut all ties with him or avoid him until he man's up starts showing forgiveness respect and the love that your family deserves

Renewed's picture

Reading your story feels like reading the things my parents and siblings did to me. I cut ties. I did it because they were underming me as a parent. I believed then and now that if I continued to go and let my children see me being completely disrespected over and over, my children would have learned to disrespect me.

The flip side of it is that a couple of my kids are now angry with me for NOT going to family holidays, for 'trying to keep them' from their family (which isn't actually true) and so at the moment I've lost a couple of my kids anyway.

The point is, there is no guarantee win in this situation. If you cut off your SS and insist your husband never speak to him again, you may win. Or you may find many people turning against you, including your own children who may see this as you keeping them away from their brother and their paternal family.

Believe me--I say this from experience where I felt (still feel) that my family is an active danger to my children. Yet keeping them away only brings on its own problems because my children don't fully see what's happening here.

I think you have to walk a fine line with telling your husband HE can't have any relationship with his son. The important thing is that his son not harm your children. But if you insist he never see his son again, you may create a very difficult situation for him. Allow for him to possibly talk to and teach his son (while keeping his son away from your children). Allow for his son to finally grow up and change. 

I am fully behind you keeping this SS away from your children. It's one of the reasons I finally refused to bring my children to my parents' -- because my parents would literally slap my children right in front of me. Yet I'm now paying a very heavy price for it, as my children cannot understand what is behind my reasons for not going and for discouraging them going, to see my parents and two of my kids have actively turned against me because of this.

My heart goes out to you. This is a very, very difficult situation.

Rags's picture

Kids need the facts. Particularly in light of a toxic family member.  This is what we decided upon with SS-29 as he was growing up.  His SpermIdiot is a serial statutory rapist who has 4 all out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas.  SS is his eldest and our only.

As he was progressing from toddler and beyond under the Custody/Visitation/Support order the SpermGrandHag would play all kinds of mind games with the Skid when he was on SpermLand Visitation.  "Your mom stole you from your dad and from our family.", "Your mom is mean making us pay CS for you. That money takes the food our of your sister and brothers mouths". "The CS we pay is the only reason you have new houses, cars, nice clothes, vacations, etc... It isn't fair that your siblings do not have those things." "Give us that money, that is our money from our CS, you don't need travel money for a few hours on the plane".

So, we started seasoning SS with the facts in an age appropriate manner.  He learned in a hurry that they were liars and manipulators. He was figuring it out even before we started with the full court sharing the facts push.  We also set them up with a debit card that we could place and remove money on in short order.  They learned to not try to take his money while he was on visitation when they filled up their gas tank or took the entire SpermClan to lunch thinking he would pay for it on his debit card. Nope, there was no money on it because we took it as soon as he called us from the airport saying he had arrived.  They were stranded waiting for SpermGrandPa to come pay for their tank of gas or lunch that they did not have the money to pay for.

Diablo

He learned to protect himself in real time from their crap.  When they would play the "stolen by his mom" card, he would quote them the CO granting his mom full physical and legal custody. When they would play the "CS takes food out of your sib's mouths" card, he would ask how $133/mo could possibly feed their family of 6+/- for a month. When they would play the "CS buys your nice clothes, houses, cars, vacations" card, he would point out that both of his parents have bachelors degrees, masters degrees, and great careers and the $133/mo that can't feed their family of 6 for damned sure can't purchase quality clothing, nice homes, nice cars, and nice vacations.  By the time he was in his mid teens we would not infrequently find him buried in the Custody/Visitation/Support files doing his own research on the facts that countered their toxic manipulative lies.  Usually just after he had returned home from SpermLand.  He would occasionally dust up his research just before leaving on visitation if there was something they had sad the last visitation that had pissed him off. He got to where he would not let their shit go unconfronted.

When he would call them on it when they would spout it to him during visitation, they would blow a gasket, call his mom and rant about how she shouldn't be sharing those things from the past with him, etc... Ummmmm, sorry Hag, you lie, he knows it so rather than being pissed that he knows the facts, try not lying to him.

He had their number before he aged out from under the CO and he still had their number when they tried to guilt him into paying them to help raise his younger half sibs. He told them hell no and that he was already paying them $785/mo by not keeping them on the hook for CS for 3 more years while he was in school post HS.  That shut them up.

Kids with the facts have a chance of protecting themselves from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.  They are also less likely to be PASd away from a quality parent.  Document, document, document.  Keep no secrets. The blended family opposition pulls any shit with the kid, the kid has the facts.

Kids ask questions, they need answers. So answer them with the facts when they ask. Regardless of how old they are when they first ask.  Tune it for their age and increase the content as they grow up.  Even adult kids need to have the facts to continue to protect themselves from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.  Fortunately, most kids don't have to deal with this crap. But the ones who do, need to know the fact. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I am sorry your kids drank the Kool-Aid.

All IMHO of course.

shamds's picture

All your husband says is you're out of the house 24hrs and next time its 3 days?? What a solution!! So next time ss is back home he hits again just to see and challenge his dad to dare him to kick him out 3 days and what then? Daddy gonna tell him its 5 days out now??

no adult skid of mine will ever lay a hand on my kids, they would be out of the house then and there!! My husband knows i mean it.

disengaging means nothing if your husband will not address his kids from ex smacking and bullying your kids. Right now, ss believes he had authority because your husband has refused to put the fear of god in him and made it very clear that he is not your kids parent and therefore doesn't have any right or permission to lay a hand on any of your kids, he doesn't get to abuse you.

frankly with all those multiple texts, you tell your husband right now that his son is not setting foot in the house and you will be filing a restraining order against him.

if he's gonna get this nasty and has a history laying his hands on his kids, its a matter of time he starts getting physical with you. Protect yourself beforehand. When hubby chuck's the son story but its my son, remind him of facts and that you are terrified of having him in your marital home and he is banned. 
 

if ss wants to be an abusive shi*, he can do that in his own home alone.

Thumper's picture

 I need to find a therapist who specializes in psychopathy so I can assess the level of risk this will happen again if I staying married and if it will stop if I divorce.

-----------------

Ma'am are your kiddos still living inside the home WITH ss?

Still?

onespentstepmom's picture

Absolutely not!  He was removed from our home January 2020.  He's in jail right now, but I expect he'll be released this coming Tuesday.  He's been living for free in one my father in laws rental properties, hardly works, has zero friends, manipulates family, you name it.  Has a couple DUI's, another felony charge for pouring gasoline in an apartment complex he used to live in, now this.  I'll never have anything to do with him again.  At this point, I need to do what keeps our three young kids safest and I'm not sure staying married (even with SS out of our lives) is safest.

SteppedOut's picture

FIL should never have allowed him to move in (and certainly not for free). This enabling allows him to continue on with his crap behavior and not seek treatment.  Not only is he not getting better - he will continue to get worse. One day he will snap on someone and kill them. 

How does he buy food, clothes, necessities, pay utilities, gas and repairs for cars - I mean... everything? Who is contributing THAT much to his delinquency? (Above, free housing)

ETA: I certainly hope it is not your husband (maybe through his business??).

 

Rags's picture

File assualt and child abuse charges against that POS and put his ass in jail.  Get him away from your young kids, nail his ass with an RO/PO keeping him 500 feet away from you, your children, and your home. Your DH and his day, then 3 day crap for his adult POS spawn slapping a 9yo.

You and DH allowed this to happen once and are facilitating the situation where it could happen repeatedly. Why?  This is not the action of quality or responsible parents to minor children.

This is beyond belief.

smh

onespentstepmom's picture

There is no reason to call me a shit parent.  Thanks for your help though.

onespentstepmom's picture

There is no reason to call me a shit parent.  Thanks for your help though.

onespentstepmom's picture

You will see in previous posts, he was removed from our home in January 2020 and will not ever be in our home again.  We do have an order for protection against him, have my conceal & carry, we've installed more cameras in and around our home, you name it.   My question to the group all along has been will this behavior escalate further or is the fact my SS went to jail this time going to stop this behavior?  My DH says he has cut my SS (his son) off forever, but I don't trust it.  SS is a big time manipulator.  Regardless SS is never allowed around us ever again, will never be in our home, etc, my question remains are my other kids safest staying married to my husband if he sticks to cutting his son off?  Or are my kids and I safest to leave the marriage?

 

CLove's picture

You have two options:

1. Stay - trust the implementations you have in place and trust your husband.

2 Leave - dont take any chances. Love is not enough to hold you to this man, and by extension hiss child.

For now - get a professional opinion. Get thee to a lawyer to see what the repercussions are with these two options.

Rags's picture

I do not think that there is a crystal ball on what happens next, ever, when it comes to the whole blended family thing.

That you and your DH have taken effective steps, which I either skipped over in earlier discussion or brain farted and forgot, to protect your young children and mitigate the risk that SS represents is commendable.

You can hope that this is rock bottom for SS and he gains clarity and starts the journey to becomming a better person than he has managed to be so far. But... the odds are not in favor of that.  In fact, I think the odds are decidedly against it.

If your DH and  you are effective partners there is IMHO no reason why your kids will not remain safe, at least as safe as they can be with SS looming around in the peripheral Ether of you lives.  Which he will always be barring his demise.

I think either choice, stay or leave, has roughly equivelent risks.  Stay and partner with your DH and keep current on all things SS, or leave and not have current up to date informaiton and have to deal with the risks of visitation with dad while elder dangerous half Bro is potentially more present during visitation time with dad.

There are much deeper variables in play that are relationship related when it comes to what you and your DH have as equity life partners.  Only you can weigh how those influence your decision on this.

Good luck.