What to do?
In need of some advise. I've been dating a man for the last 4 years. We both lost spouses to cancer, had teenage children at the time, and have in-laws that have struggled with us moving forward in our lives today. For my own mental health I have had to cut off the unhealthy relationship with my in-laws. My son was from a previous relationship I had and therefore I could break ties. My boyfriend on the otherhand, children came from his marriage to his deceased wife. The kids now 23 & 21 are so very easily influenced by their mothers family. My boyfriends inlaws liked me at first, so I thought. I spent holidays with them, had family dinners, called and texted. It was nice. Then after about 3 years of dating my boyfriend and living with him for over a year I was public enemy # 1. The only reason I can think of as to why, is because we painted a wall in the house and I actually started adding my things to the decor, which had sat in the basement for over year. I wanted to wait till my boyfriends kids moved out and went to college before making changes. I thought I was being curtious of their feelings, which was hard for me living in a home that didn't feel like me, but I did it cuz I felt it was right. Recently my boyfriend and I have had a agruement that leaves me feeling very numb. I love him and want to be married again in my life. My boyfriend doesn't feel that his kids would support us and therefore says he isn't ready yet. I feel this is so very unfair to me. Advise please.
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How hard to lose a spouse.
How hard to lose a spouse. Everyone involved grieved in their own ways and it must have been a hard for the inlaws to watch their daughter die. As you know better than anyone, life is short and should be lived to the fullest. BF is torn between the skids and his own life but what kind of role model for moving forward after a death is he for his kids if he stays stuck? He needs to be able to say that he is ready to move on and show the rest how to do it.
The fact that he can't commit to you says more about him than you IMO. Would he go to counseling with you to sort this all out??
This is tough..
How sad for both of you to lose a spouse, my condolences. Obviously you know first hand that life is precious and short, dont waste it with someone who doesnt have the same goals as you.. Resentment will set in if you stay with a man who does not want the same thing. Obviously his pressure from in laws and children outweigh his desire to marry you, at this point anyway. You need to ask yourself are you willing to wait around to see if he changes his mind? That certainly cannot be good for your self esteem
Good luck to you
ETA: Living in the same house as the deceased wife will always put you on a lower level. No matter what you do, or how thoughtful you are about redecorating , they will always see this house as mom and dads. Anything you change to the house will be seen as you are trying to wipe away their deceased moms existance. Your BF will never move on living in that house, and neither will his children. Hugs this must be very hard for you.
How about just telling him,
How about just telling him, gently, that his previous life is gone and you're offering him a future if he wants to take it?
Sometimes it takes someone telling us how they see it to make us realize there's another view of the thing. If you say it the right way, you can imply that you can't wait forever. But you can also say clearly that you want to be with him if he can find a way to move forward.
Your situations are similiar, but not the same. You must leave him some space for his particulars. But there might be a way to gently move him toward where you want to be. If nothing else, the conversation might show you what his intentions and limitations are.
Good luck. It sounds as if some of the typical step hurdles (nasty exes, bioparents, etc.) won't be an issue for you. But grief is peculiar and sometimes it limits people.
I would ask my BF if he is
I would ask my BF if he is using the skids as an excuse not to get married or if they are the real reason he is not ready. If the adult skids are the reason, then it is not their place to decide if daddy gets married or not. If BF is not ready, I'd try to understand why.
when II I visited part time at my DH's home, adult skids and in laws were awful to me. When DH put up pictures of DH and I and put late-wife's pics away, adult skids ripped one of our pictures and threw the other two in a drawer and put out the pics of the orig. family. DH, who was my bf at the time was furious. When adult skids were questioned they all blamed each other. It was pathetic to say the least. Just one example of what they did.
If you can, get out of that house and get a place of your own with or without BF. It was the best thing I ever did. The adult skids, who didn't even live in DH's house, thought they owned the place. It was a nightmare. The ex-inlaws came and went without knocking whenever they wanted.
If this guy really loves you, you will know and his actions will show it. If he is going to put what adult skids think about what you both do and don't do as a couple, run, run for the hills.
good luck.
Is it possible
Is it possible that he's not ready for marriage and using his adult children as an excuse? Perhaps he thinks that if he uses his children as his reasoning for slowing things down, you won't resent him.
If a man wants to be with you, he will be with you. He will do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Consider a heart-to-heart and ask him directly.
Good luck.
I do want to say that we have
I do want to say that we have moved from the house he shared with his wife because we did realize that we would never be able to make it our home. We have our own home now, but the move has been difficult for my BF because he has moved from his adult children. My boyfriend has been working in a nother state for 2 years already and even though we have made several offers to his son and daughter to come see us, even offering to pay for tickets, they have not wanted to come. Again I believe this has to do with the BM family making the kids feel guilty. I believe the kids know this is wrong,but feel very torn to hurt their mothers family who has already hurt so much. My BF wants his kids to be happy if we got married. I have told him that I think this is unrealistic. I feel that for them certain events are going to remind them that their mom is gone and this is a nother event that makes that very real. The kids are not hateful towards me, they are just unwilling to get to know me or my son. I also need to be protective of my son's feelings. He has been extremely hurt that he also moved his life to get to know my BF and his family and they have taken no interest in him at all. My son did not have a good relationship with my husband. Actually before my husband died he worried a lot about my son and what his action did to him. He was very sorry for how he had treated him, but died before he could ever tell my son that he was sorry or proud of him. My son has suffered too. It is a difficult situation for all of us and I believe we are all trying to figure this out. My BF is not a bad guy. He has been kinder to me than any man I've ever dated. He has built a bond with my son that I'm so grateful for. I believe that my BF is confused. WE were very faithful people and never thought that we would lose our spouse in our early 40s.