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Adult stepsons causing major division in marriage

JCfrustrafed's picture

Need advice!!!  Six years ago I got divorced and a year later met a women that now is my wife.  She is 10 years older than I am and has 35 year old son, 32 year old son and a 28 year old daughter.  I have a 16 Year old daughter and a 10 year old son. 
My stepsons are both hardcore drug users, one just got out of prison after 6 years.  I am a law enforcement officer and I knew her sons before we even met.  I had knew that her sons would cause issues in our relationship so I was reluctant to get serious with her aT the time.  She cut ties with them for a few years and everything was good.  

Well here is where things changed!!  My wife wanted to reconcile her relationship with her sons and LS who is 32 years old started coming to the house.  Everytime He was strung out on meth.  He would act totally inappropriate at my house.  He actually brought meth into my house, my wife kept that from me knowing.  He neglects his 4 year old Child she subjected to filth, domestic violence, drug usage, and he takes his daughter to drug houses.  My wife calls him out but a week later everything is normal, ie giving him money and gifts.  This has been going on for 4 years.  She will not hold him accountable for any of his actions, he calls her names and leverages the grand daughter against my wife.  

Her oldest son, just got out of prison and continued to use and sell drugs.  He tells my wife he is clean however recent arrests would proved that's a lie.  She continued to buy him gifts and holds it against me for not wanting him at our house.  She is very hostile when I point out the things they are doing.

After years of this I'm tired of the drama.  I don't want drug addict, thieves, child abusers in my life.  She assured me she was done with them or I would not have married her.  Now she is back to her old self and it's bring us down.  

She won't go to counseling with me or listen to any of my concerns.  I am close to just saying enough is enough and filing for divorce.  Looking for advice!! 

The_Upgrade's picture

If 2 out of 2 sons turn out to be enabled drug users you need to take a hard look at who's done the enabling. It's highly doubtful she'll agree to counselling because that means she needs to acknowledge something is wrong. If two meth addict kids aren't enough of a wakeup call to action, the threat of divorce won't even register as a blip. So my advice to you is this: This situation will not change. Can you live with it or not? If not, get out. You're only delaying the inevitable. Save yourself some time, money and sanity.

JRI's picture

Do your daughter and 10 son live with you?   Regardless, this sounds like a deteriorating situation.  You're a law enforcement officer, you know that better than I.  I can't see this getting better.  I'm sorry.  This is hard but I'd leave before any of this blows back on you.

If your kids live with BM, if I were her, I'd take a very dim view of letting the kids come over if I knew about the situation.

Again, sorry you are going thru this.

JCfrustrafed's picture

Yes my kids live with me.  I do not allow my kids around her sons.  But since I have put sanctions on her sons and not allowed them at my house, she finds any reason to find fault in anything my children are doing.  She failed to raise her sons and now they are all around bad people, but she thinks she knows how to parent my kids.  It seems like a way to get back at me, but I have to protect my family and my home.  So frustrated and so confused as I care about her but she is lost.  

Sotheysay's picture

Time for a divorce and the fact that you ever believed she would actually stop talking to her kids is actually pathetic. You went looking for trouble the second you got with this woman and  ow are ready to play victim. 

TexasPickles's picture

Ugh. The old "you knew what you were getting into" trope. Haven't seen that one trotted out in a while. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Cop wife here.

You know that addiction is a family desease. Sounds like your wife tried to straighten out when she met you, but water seeks its own level and once she got comfortable with you, she went back to enabling the dirtbags. 

You can't save everyone, and the last thing you need is for the brass to find out you consort with druggies. That could torpedo your whole career.

Your wife has made her choice plain, and it isn't you. Time to lawyer up and plan your divorce. Then, take some time to figure out what drew you to such a woman so you can avoid making the same mistake again. Focus on being a great dad for a while. 

Thumper's picture

So sorry to read this.

I have experience with meth users....its' a mess and ruins their lives and those around them who think THEY can make it better.

They are very VERY manipulating. Even after they get out of the clinker. They will bs their way and stop at nothing to find money for their next fix.

Your wife made the decision to bring them back into her life AND your home.... Now you can decide what is your next step---

Save yourself from this train wreck. Find a lawyer tomorrow. None of this is worth loosing your livelihood.



tog redux's picture

Copendency is called that because the person involved with the addict is also dependent - on them. She's fallen off the recovery wagon just as they have, she's addicted to them, and trying to help them.  Unless she gets help she will not change, and you can't force it.  She's going to keep enabling them until the consequences of doing so become painful for her and she WANTS to change.  All you can do is decide if you can stay to wait.

JCfrustrafed's picture

The more I wait and be patient the worse it's getting.  I don't want to be the guy with two exwifes, but my sanity is dwindling. 

tog redux's picture

Don't let that shame keep you there. I am my DH's third wife, and we are very happy. You can find love again.

Hesitant to try's picture

2 Ex wives than to be the guy who tolerated a terrible wife, allowed terrible role models near his kids and possibly tanked his own career for a couple of druggies and their enabling, unhealthy mother. That's nothing to be proud of.

get away from them. Go be a great man and a great dad to your own kids!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You'll be the guy with as many ex wives as it takes for you to fix yourself so you can choose more wisely.

I'm the third, and the best and healthiest relationship my DH has ever had. He was a slow learner with a Rescuer Complex, but we're coming up on thirty years soon.

Your first and only priority HAS to be being a good dad. That means providing your kids with a safe and stable home. It also means modelling healthy relationships and demonstrating that you have standards for the people who are allowed into your life. No spouse is better than the one you currently have.

Catmom024's picture

Move out, take your kids with you.  Let her and her kids do what they will.  Either she decides to save herself or she'll enable them into an early grave.  It's a sad SO has children who have had drug issues.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I would set the limits that she sees them outside your home and if she wants to spend money in them it has to be no more than you can afford and is reasonable, and nothing they can use or pawn for drugs. Like, if she wants to take them to dinner and pay, fine. The occasional utility bill in a bind, maybe. But the money goes directly to the source, never give them cash or something they can sell. If they are only around for drug money that should put a stop to it. 

Blue At Times's picture

Terrible situation, so sorry! 
I'm gonna hit you with some blunt honesty: you will not find any advice on this site that can fix your situation well enough for you to stay. A healthy environment for your own kids should be your priority, not how many exs you have. 

Merry's picture

Your enabling wife is just as addicted to her sons as they are to meth. Do not expect changes by being patient and logical--she'll continue to use you to get her own fix, just as the sons are using her to get theirs.

Get yourself OUT of this for your own sanity and to give your kids a stable, loving home with you. It might be the push your wife needs to see how dysfunctional her relationship with her sons is. Has she tried Al-Anon or similar? Counseling with someone experienced in working with the families of addicts? She needs help just as much as her addict sons do. You can't force her to make changes, but you can set your own boundaries about what you will and won't accept for yourself and for your children.

ShadowAthena's picture

I suggest you take a break from your wife. Walking away isn't as easy as it sounds. Take a break from each other. During that break you'll get the chance to think clearly. Can you walk away? Or will things work out? 

Good luck. 

Rags's picture

So, take this completely out of your DW's hands.  You are a LEO.  Bring those assets to play in keeping these POS criminals behind bars.  Taking your DW's GKs to meth houses, have them busted and the kids taken by CPS.  If they show up stoned, have them arrested.  

Lather, rinse, repeat.

When your DW throws a tantrum, point out that they are criminals and are experiencing the consequences of their choices.

If she had forced them to feel the consequences of their actions and been an effective parent, these issues in all liklihood would not exist.  

She cannot be allowed to continue to add victims to her resume as a failed wife, failed mother, and failed woman.  Your job is to make sure that the list of her failure victims ends gets no larger.

IMHO of course.