Does anyone have advice on this? I'm desperate
My 22 yr SD is spoiled beyond belief. Just graduated from college, never had a job in her life, has endless funds deposited in her bank acct from my husband, has a nice apartment in her college town which she still has 7mo left in lease (we pay for this also), she still comes home basically every weekend and won't go back to her apartment. She has been here for going on 4 weeks straight. Sleeps until at least noon (yesterday wS until 5pm), goes out partying every night. Brings her dog with her to our home, which poops and pees all over the house every day. I now have to have gates all over the house to avoid him going on carpet, and so I have to climb over gates to go anywhere in the house and we have to pick our 3yr old up to carry over the gates too. I'm stressed, resentful, anger, and am miserable. I want my home back to myself and want her to start becoming an adult start her own life. Visiting once in a while would be one thing, this is driving me nuts. I'm so depressed feeling over this. Talked to my husband and he ignores it because he thinks she is fine and him spoiling her is fine. Her sister tells me she talks bad about me, however she is generally decent to my face. I guess I am looking for advice on how to ignore this, accept it, or cope. Will she ever move on and grow up and quit coming home every week???
A come to Jesus meeting with
A come to Jesus meeting with your DH is in order.
1. She needs to pay rent or go home.
2. No more overnight visits.
3. No more pets.
4. She needs to pay for any pet damage.
Are you in a position to leave (temporarily) until he gets his s**t together? He is attending to the needs of his adult child, rather than to the wife and child (or children) he has at home. Is the 3 y/o his daughter or is she yours from a previous relationship?
In other words, your DH needs to have his head surgically removed from his ass.
Your options are not JUST
Your options are not JUST learning to ignore this, accept it, or cope. How did the discussion with your DH go? Focus on what YOU need, not what is wrong with his D. You need to be able to walk through the house without stepping over gates or stepping in poop, you need to be able to vacuum at 9 a.m. instead of waiting for the princess to arise, etc.
If you DH isn't willing to help SD launch (what a disservice he is doing by allowing her to continue to act like a child), then YOU need to make her responsible for chores, cooking, cleaning, errands, carpet cleaning. Just matter of fact -- tell her something like "the living room carpet has become a favorite place for Little Poopsie to relieve himself. I've rented a carpet cleaning machine for you to use on the whole area this morning."
You've got to make living with you worse than living in her apartment. And why is she not working??? She has her degree in hand, she should be able to find something even if it's not her first choice of a job. I could just hear my parents if I told them I didn't feel like working. Holy hell, I'd have been working for THEM and that would have been worse than any employer.
And on top of all this,
And on top of all this, something tells me "princess" did not calculate in the actual price of dog ownership. Is dog up to date on vaccinations and neutered? Also NEEDS dog obedience$$$. DH would be cleaning up after princess to "encourage" him to take action. Non of this bull should be landing on the non bio parent.
This is from the Dr. Foster
This is from the Dr. Foster site:
"There are several very common diseases that can be transmitted to dogs, cats and people through feces. These include giardia, roundworms, salmonella, and Ecoli. In addition, your dog can spread or contract parvovirus or coronavirus through infected feces. All of these diseases are very serious and common and every effort should be made by pet owners to keep their pets and family away from potentially infected feces."
Is SD's selfishness and your DH's ignorance worth the health of your little boy? I hope he doesn't put his hands in his mouth!
Her apartment is 2 hrs away
Her apartment is 2 hrs away and you couldn't pay me to live in it because she is a slob. I talked to husband today I cried a lot and he said, " I can't tell my daughter she's not welcome here.i also can pant tell her she can't come home to be with the family. I also can't tell her she can not bring her dog here- she's not going to pay to kennel it and she's not going to leave it alone" etc et. Etc.... He ended it with "I love you but you are being ridiculous. You need to deal with the dog. Learn to ignore it. My children will always be welcome home"...... He was nice in the convo, but was not changing his mind. Let me follow up with this- I do NOTHING for the dog. I won't even touch him, I'm done with it. I've tried for 4.5 years w that thing. He only poops pees in her room now because of the stupid gets I have everywhere ( UNLESS she moves gates when I'm not home- then I find poop in kitchen. Etc- in that case I yell and she makes excuses). I feel like I would never leave DH because I love him and our life (except for the part w her) and our son. We have a good marriage despite this aspect. We ONLY fight about this. I guess I feel like I need advice on learning to ignore, accept, OR advice on making her WANT to quit coming. Haha. Problem is it was her home before it was mine. I moved into it when we married.
Hi stepaside! It's so nice to
Hi stepaside! It's so nice to hear everyone's advice and so nice not to feel alone. However, I think you seem the most correct on your reply to me. I WANT to agree with all of the people who say "kick her out. You leave. Leave him. Make him tell her she must leave" etc etc.... But seriously, how can he do that to his own child, and like you said I don't want anyone else raising my son if I were to leave. I agree he protects her too much and she had a very rough time with her BM- who is now gone- so he is over protective. I guess I'm asking you, besides counseling- do you have any ideas on how to accept this/cope with it until she does eventually leave. I soooooo hope you are right that soon she will find a man and move with him!!!! Your advice was great and I thank you for it! I have read it like 10 times
It happens to the off-spring
It happens to the off-spring of the most hard-wrking parents. A GF of mine has a 33yo son ( soon to be 34) who has never lived anywhere but with mommy. He lives with her before, during and after college. He does not pay rent, has a crappy job, and is currently applying to business schools - mommy is paying his application fees and has even hired a consultant to help him prep his application. He goes on expensive vacations with mom and without her. He brings his much younger girlfriends home. He is in his 30s! Do you think his mother has done him a favor by never pushing him out of the nest?
Why isn't he placing his
Why isn't he placing his little boy first?
My suggestion is that she is
My suggestion is that she is asked to go back to her apartment or you will stop paying for it. I would also suggest a plan where you and your husband agree to a time-frame that you will continue paying for the apartment, also a time-frame to get a job or the apartment will no longer be paid for. I would find different arrangements for the dog. The dog is not your responsibility and if she is not taking care of it then I question whether the dog should be in your home. I would not want to clean up messes and carry my child over gates to keep this dog.
You cannnot help what she says or how she feels. If she says bad things about you that is only a reflection on her, do not let her issues effect you.
I believe that if steps are
I believe that if steps are not taken now to get this young woman on the path to independence, she will become a permanent resident. Look how many 30 somethings are still at home. Why support oneself if some else is willing to do it? I also believe that there are periods in ones mental development where certain things need to be realized (like cleanliness, handling money, independence, etc.) and that if passed by at the time are much harder to gain when older. I wouldn't count on this young woman leaving on her own. She is comfortable and has everything she wants at no effort on her part, so why should she?
Perhaps the conversation with your husband should be asking him if he wants to stay married to you, if he wants you and he and your young son to be a family and if he wants the family unit (yes, including the daughter) to be happy with each other. Tell him you are going to counseling (as you should) and invite him to go with you. Tell him you are going whether he goes or not so he doesn't think you are trying to get him to go because he is so wrong. Tell him you both need to handle the home situation in a better way and you need experienced help for that. If he won't go with you, go anyway. It will help you handle this situation and give you strength for whatever needs to be done.
its clear that your sd is
its clear that your sd is spoiled a no one has made her grow up. she is perfectly happy to stay as a child with daddy paying the bills and not providing discipline.
parenting takes balls and some men dont man up because, to be frank, they fear losing their kids. its a guilt trip they are on.
i have no advice except to hold your own guns and dont let yourself become a doormat. i feel sorry for the pet, who just might end up discarded after the novelty wears off.