I feel so sad, so depressed, so hopeless. Our marriage counselor asked me if I am suicidal. I'm not sure...I know that I want to die just to end the pain yet I have no plans to take action...yet.

My husband and I married two years ago...the second for both of us. I had been single for 10 years, no children by choice and overall pretty happy with my life. My husband had been seperated from his first wife for 4 months when we met. He has two children. They do not live with him but visit every other weekend, 4 weeks in the summer and various holidays. Before I met my husband I would not date a man who had dependent children. I'm not sure why I broke my "rule" for my husband. Yes, he is charming, handsome, intelligent, financially secure, responsible, dedicated, sweet, sexy...you get the idea. I fell head over heels for him the first time I met him. Yet that is no excuse for making a bad decision. I think we both made a mistake by deciding to get married.

To try to make a long story short I thought that because his children (ages 11 and 16)do not live with us I could deal with them. I learned one month into our marriage that I was wrong...so wrong. Add an overinvolved mother-in-law and a wacky birth mother into the mix and it is almost more than I can take.

When we got married my husband's children had no rules at his house. They did what they wanted, when they wanted, how they wanted. They were not disciplined at all. They were held accountable for nothing. They had no responsibilities. When I came along I asked for a few simple house rules: no eating/drinking anywhere in the house except the kitchen; clean up behind yourself (picking up toys, clothes, putting dirty dishes in the diswasher, making the bed); and curfew to be in the bed is 10pm. Everyone in the house is expected to follow these rules; adults and children. I was never involved in enforcing rules in the beginning; my husband did this. Of course his children figured out that I was the one who wanted these rules as they never had any before I came along. Their father is so guilt ridden about not being in their life full-time that it is very difficult for him to enforce any rules much less discipline them. This is only a small part of the problem but to tell everything would take more time than you would have patience for.

My mother-in-law is overall a very sweet person. My concern with her is that after my husband and I married she continued to visit every time his children visited. If they were there for a weekend she was there. If they were there for a week she was there. She did not wait to be invited, she just showed up and stayed as long as she wanted. I never knew when she was arriving or leaving. I feel that because she was always there when the children were there we (me, my husband and the children) never got an opportunity to bond as a family. When Mimi was visiting she was all they had eyes for as she spoils them horribly. When she visits it's like my husband is no longer the parent of his children...he is one of the children. It's like he steps aside and lets his mother take control. This has gotten better only because she has moved out of state and can't just pop in whenever she feels like it. I asked my husband several times to talk with her about the situation or for all three of us to talk together. He never would do it. It's almost like he is as afraid of his mother as he is of his children.

In the first year of our marriage I had no idea what to do. I knew it was a new experience for all of us and hoped that over time we would adjust and things would get better. Two years later things are so much worse than I ever thought they could be. My husband is in the military and his plan was to retire one year after we married; he would have 20 years service. Well...he decided to stay in the Navy in order to get the GI Bill to pay for his children's college. He had been at the same duty station for 7 years (he has a specialized job) but when he reinlisted his duty station was changed and we had to move. I had to leave my job of 19 years, my friends, my family and the town that I had called home for the past 20 years. I am currently stuck at home with no job (yes, I am looking but no one is hiring), no friends, and a marriage that is falling apart. I feel like I am losing my mind.

We have started marriage counseling because we both, at this point, want to save the marriage. I do love my husband. Very, very much. I just don't love our life. I don't love what I have become. I feel like I have lost myself. No one is happy. Sometimes I think throwing in the towel would be the best thing for us all, just to get some peace of mind. I know the little bit I have written here sounds very tame. Like I said before there is more....so much more but it would take too long to tell it all.

I am tormented by the emotions I feel and am not sure how to deal with it. I'm scared it's going to overwhelm me to the point that I can't cope.