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Do I give up...??

immawitch's picture

Been together for almost 6 years. I moved into his house with my two kids, and his two grown boys and the one boy's pregnant girlfriend.. All the little silent things that drive me crazy. Laughing out loud when my child falls... purposely making messes and leaving them, or never speaking to me or my kids unless it was absolutely necessary. They moved out a couple years ago.

When I moved in with him, I left my job and house to go work for him, he owns a small business. His sons work for him also... yes it sucks beyond. No communication and originally I thought if we all had to work together it would get better, but again I was wrong.

A few months ago my "fiancé" was diagnosed with a terminal disease. After the first week the "son's" became extra mean to me and whispering to their dad. Next thing I know we are not getting married because if something happens to him (I say it like that cause its easier to deal with then in 3-5 years)I would simply have too many rights as his wife. So either a prenup or no marriage. My fiancé is weak and is easily confused and finds it very difficult to make decisions, let alone when there are so many points to consider. So here I am. I'm borderline disabled due to an accident and there's no way I can go back to my old career...

Everything is being left to his boys.. and they told me out right if something does happen I am to disappear. First accepting his illness (I think I'm still in denial) and then to be slapped with no marriage... and now trying to plan to start all over. This whole time, they are snotty and hateful and I'm so lost as to what to do. I know what to do, but part of the reason they are bullying him so much is because they can... Normally he would do whatever he wanted without any of their input.. I truly love him so much. I hate to walk away in this position, but when I stop and think all the care he is going to need, and then being left completely on my own to start over. Should I plan on moving in with my parents....

Thanks for reading... this is such a mess. His boys certainly couldn't handle caring for him... Thanks for reading...

Orange County Ca's picture

Move in with your parents and see an attorney to see what financial rights, if any, you may have. I understand he's being manipulated but in the end you've got to protect yourself.

stepinafrica's picture

Please follow Orange County's advice. You are not his priority. You may think that he made this decision because of the skids but you have been together for 6 years. He should have married you before this.

This is about you and more importantly your kids. They are watching and learning. It must be heartbreaking for them to watch their mum get treated so horribly.

no-win-situation's picture

I'm with Orange County, get out NOW! Why put yourself & children through this another day? It's a very sad situation but I don't see that you have a lot of power.

alieigh21's picture

Move out as soon as possible. If he's concerned about you having too many rights as his wife he's made his choice. Why are you worried about taking care of him if he seems unconcerned about you?

omgsaveme's picture

So he wants you to stick around and take care of him and then you're not supposed to get anything that you deserve. I used to work in the healthcare field and took care of terminally ill patients, it is not easy. I'd follow what others have said and move on. His kids are grown and yours are little, is there a huge age difference ? So sorry you are going through this

Disneyfan's picture

I have to be honest and say, if I were in his shoes, I would not get married now without a prenup. That is the only thing that would convince me that my SO was not looking to cash in once I died.

That being said, OP I agree that's time for you walk away from him. At this point, you have to think about what is best for you and your kids.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

This is cruel, Disneyfan- it is not as if she runs to live with him knowing he is terminally ill!!!! She lived with him since years and went through the shits with his kids and everything.Tell me why this lovely and caring lady should actually be excluded from the heritance when her partner dies?

simifan's picture

{{{{Hugs}}}}
This has to be sooo painful. Honey - he's point blank told you that you have no value to him. Do not give him one more second of your time.

sixteensmom's picture

Check the laws in your state. You may already be common law married. It's not always a 7yr cohabitate rule like everyone thinks.

I also think punkin is right, if you're not already common law married, tell him you're moving tomorrow and you'll only come back as his wife. sign a prenup that leaves the house to you and the vehicle and splits his estate 3 ways if he dies in the next five years. Make sure you're earning a fair wage at his company. make sure his will says the same.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! hugs to you dear.

SugarSpice's picture

having the family allow her to care for the terminally ill father and then cut her off of any inheritance is just using someone. it is wrong.

he has already told you he is not marrying you and now you have no obligation to care for him.

let his children now care for him.

agree with orange county. find a lawyer. many states now recognize palimony.

immawitch's picture

Thanks so much for all the comments. I've been dealing with this alone so its nice to have feedback. He proposed in Dec 10, after my back injury. I'm not sure why we waited so long.. part of it was trying to figure out the best way since his kids hate me so much. I wanted a big wedding (I eloped the first time around) but his kids would refuse to come to the wedding etc. My kids struggled a bit too but they are young and they accepted it. I love him very much, obviously too much and that is why we were still going to marry even after his diagnosis.

I do sit down office work for him. I run his business, answer his phones, and yes manage his personal life. I usually work 40-50 hours at his business and I make a small salary so I can pay utilities and groceries etc. I tried to go back to work in 2011 and failed when I had to stand on my feet. I can move around okay but I have some stenosis that I have to really work around. I don't feel like he supports me. I work very hard. In fact if I walked away honestly I don't think the business could function right.

Leaving him while he's suffering is so difficult. I'm so hurt by his decisions though. Its tough mostly because he is so good to me, we never fight and we are together 24/7. Its hard for me to accept that someone who is so respectful to my face, can choose to easily let me fail in the long term. I thought we were a team, a couple so I invested... and yes that is my problem. I have no interest in his business. Could you imagine being stuck working with those mean brats forever without him there!! No way! I struggle everyday!! When I was asked about the prenup it was a simple answer to me. I didn't ask for a prenup when I let my home go, or when I put my notice in to quit a good paying job to work for him to help him with his business. I didn't ask for a prenup when I was walking around the house cleaning up deliberate messes and dodging dirty looks and the games they play to leave me out. However, I should've asked. I put myself in a very vulnerable position.

I don't want his money, I don't want his home or his business. But I really don't want to spend the next 3-5 years being used either. Leaving him will be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I truly think he already knows what I do for him, I think he also knows that I would be willing to give more to care for him then his own sons. I think I'm the easier push over, if that makes sense. I would never marry him now, with or without a prenup. I feel hurt and slapped in the face. Thanks again for the feedback. This is by far the most difficult time of my life.