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Grown stepdaughters that exclude me

Sunshinegirl48's picture

Hi,

 

I’ve been with my fiancé for 8.5 yrs. We both have grown children; the difference is my son is very respectful and his girls are total brats & act like 5 year olds. About 1.5 yrs into our relationship he was diagnosed with a very serious illness. I stayed with him in the hospital for 71 days.  He needed a stem cell transplant,  I was there and have done so much for him.

One of the main problems is that his kids hate me even though I saved their fathers life.  After many attempts on my part to try and swallow hard,  I realized not only do I not like them, I have no respect for them. It gets more complicatated as they want there parents back together( the mom is remarried & not happy. Although they live out of state, they visit often and always want to have both parents together for Starbucks, lunch, dinner and never include me.  Next week my fiancé is visiting his one daughter for her birthday and told me the daughter wants both her parents there to celebrate and both stay in her apartment(separate bedrooms) ofcourse I was never included.

 

when I tell my fiancé that this is not appropriate,  he says he knows I don’t like her so he knows I would never go with him and that he is being civil to his ex for his kids benefits.  AmI being unreasonable not wanting this “ family” get togethers without me?  I’d love some input..

 

thank you

 

hereiam's picture

His kids would benefit from facing the reality that their parents are divorced. They are adults and your fiancé should treat them as such, and also let them know that stunts like this are inappropriate.

Being civil to the ex when he happens to have to be around her, is quite different than agreeing to spend the weekend (or whatever) with her at his daughter's place.

If my husband pulled this crap, he had better pack ALL of his things. But he wouldn't go because he cannot even stand being in the same room with his ex, there is a reason they are divorced. And, he does not feel that he owes it to his daughter to voluntarily spend time with BM. It doesn't mean he loves his daughter any less. My SD is able to grasp this concept.

queensway's picture

You are not being unreasonable. I call total BS to this visit. SD knows what she is doing and your BF should call her out on it. But I bet he will never do that.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If you've been tolerating this sort of behavior for 8.5 years, why should these skids and their dad stop wiping their feet on you?

SacrificialLamb's picture

You didn't mention how old the grown SDs were but I guess it doesn't matter. Mine are in their 40's and still act like babies.

Your SDs do not care you saved their fathers life. That means they have to give you credit for something when they prefer that you not exist. Maybe they were counting on the fast inheritance. 

My OSD still tries to arrange ways for her parents to be together hoping they get back together. Doesn't understand why DH doesn't want to stay at her house with BM there. My DH values his marriage and says NO. Is that what your SO is doing? Doesn't sound like it. 

Your SO is more afraid of losing his princesses than he is of losing you.And why would he? You've been putting up with it for years.  If I were in your spot, I would be telling him that appeasing adult children will cost him his relationship with YOU. His kids are ADULTS and it's time that he treat him like adults. 

And finally, if they are acting like this when you aren't married, are you prepared for what happens if you did marry? It gets worse. 

Sunshinegirl48's picture

i really appreciate your input. His daughters are 27 and 29, but act like spoiled children. The drama that goes on with them could easily be a reality show, more popular then the Kardashians!  I have to make some tough decisions but I feel better knowing that others are also saying this is inappropriate.  

SacrificialLamb's picture

That's about the age my SDs were when I married their father. Please think it through; will their behavior change and what will their father do. It took over 10 years for me to realize they were setting me up to look bad in multiple situations, including embarrasing myself at one of their weddings. It took longer for their father my DH to accept his daughters were cretins.

At this point everythign is fine in our marriage . I have no relationship with DH's children. He manages that on his own. And since they have shown him they don't care about his happiness and they view me as a toy to tinker with, he sees them less and less every year. 

twoviewpoints's picture

What is inappropriate is your DF and his ex-wife hanging together. Except for events such as the adult child getting married and both parents attending the wedding and/or perhaps both parents being present at the hospital awaiting birth of a grandchildren (inwhich I'd think you could/would be present also), exs have no reason to be playing family.

It's one thing for Dad nd daughter to occasionally have coffee together alone at Starbucks (minus you and especially minus BM), but quite a different thing to think divorced Mommy and Daddy should be having family vacations together over their adult child's birthday. 

 

ndc's picture

You are not being unreasonable, but your fiance is behaving inappropriately. If he knows you don't like him spending time with the ex while you are excluded, he needs to put up better boundaries and consider his present partner, not his former one and his adult children.  If my SO did this, he would no longer be my fiance.

shamds's picture

your fiance does not need to sleep over at his daughters house with ex wife present. Any consideration into this and using excuses like this is to daughters benefit is absolute bullcrap.

a person who divorced their ex with all the crap they pulled and despised them enough to divorce wouldn’t want to be in the same room as their mum.

my sk are 22, 20 and 13. They tried to pull this crap when the girls got kidnapped by mum and cut off all contact with dad on some bullshit accusations bio mum made which the girls found out was untrue and simply told their dad to move on and let it go, there was no accountability taken by bm, some half arsed fake apology that she is a changed woman for the benefit of her kids exhusband.

she got the girls to convince hubby to meet up after 6 yrs no contact to meet at her home she shares with new hubby, implication is to play happy family. Hubby refused and ignored any messages about meeting up at exwifes place

sk then decided to remind hubby of their so called happy times before he divorced (there weren’t any like the kids claimed), then they tried visits alone outside at shopping malls where hubby was expected to pamper them and they intentionally excluded me and our 2 kids together so they could play imaginary happy family 

1st visit alone they were told i would manage a majority of hubbys estate (hubby told me he couldn’t trust his kids to be fair and take into consideration, 2nd imaginary happy family time they were told that these visits would no longer continue. Hubby could clearly see they were trying to act innocent buying over the top gifts for my 2 kids (useless crap), but not show any concern about us. It was just an illusion and they thought hubby would buy it so hubby had enough.

he is no longer married to their mum and has moved on with life and even considering staying in same place with exwife is wrong on so many levels

Winterglow's picture

He should not be doing ANYTHING with his ex-wife without you there. It's not a question of being civil, it's a question of showing respect to his wife. He shouldn't even consider pandering to his daughters' feelings. It's not as if he could lose custody of them.

still learning's picture

Civility is one thing complete exclusion of a SO is just wrong.  The blame for this dynamic is being laid soley on the grown daughters shoulders when in reality your fiance plays just as big of a part as anyone else. ExWife is in on it, SD's and yes your darling fiance.  They are all colluding to exclude you.  It's like the guy who knows cheating on his wife is wrong buuuut he does it anyway.  Not saying this is cheating but it clearly demonstrates a lack of respect for you.  

As a new friend I would tell you that it sounds like you're being used.  I mean where was exwife when your DF was sick? Where were his daughters? You are the one who picked him up and supported him through all of this and now he has the gall to support your exclusion.  The other women in his life wouldn't have him if it weren't for you. Why are you putting up with this and how long will you be engaged to this man who clearly puts you last on his list.  It won't change when/if you get married.  He may try to appease you if you tell him not to go but he'll likely just sneak off to meet all of them and lie about it.  I wish you could see your worth and that you deserve so much more than this.  

Sunshinegirl48's picture

Thank you... I have a strong feeling you are right in what you are saying.  I felt in my core that this does not feel right, yet when I’d bring it up to him, he’d say it’s not a big deal, she’s remarried, he’d never want to be with her, etc.. I’d say it was s big deal to me & he needs to set boundaries with his daughters.  Tell them he loves them, he’ll always be their father, but whether they like me or not, he’s with me & if they can’t accept that I will be included, he won’t be seeing them a lot. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

This mess does not improve, given this  man's behavior and his sick dynamic. If you can get out of this relationship easily, do it now.  Do you want to deal with this or even worse for the rest of your life?  You still have time to rethink your future and find a man who is willing to put you first in his life, as you should be.... Run from enmeshed men......

Rags's picture

If you want to end this crap.. start going. Stay at  your groom's side, beem your happiness, laugh at their bullshit, look radiant and happy.  When you are in the other room with your groom, have loud sex and laugh your ass off.

Pretty soon, they will change their ways.

Being happy and living well is the best revenge. So enjoy your revenge.  Have run rubbing their noses in the stinky spots on their life's carpet. Enjoy your marriage. F-em.

 

momjkm's picture

Been a part of my step life for about 5 years now. My DH walks on eggs shells with his 2 grown ass son's and their wives.. I am polar opposite. So we have the perfect storm. Gskids are trophies that are waved in my face. Ex-wife no doubt pulling strings to keep drama going- she thrives on it from what I am told. We basically just dont talk about it and agree to disagree. He visits gskids every Sunday and I do not because of SS and his wifes rude behaviour. So I am the villan . Oh well. 

momjkm's picture

To run.Our life  away from the asshole skids life is amazing..80% of our life is spent  without them. My DH has built relationships with my family and I am great with the rest of his family. So I let these jerks ruin what we do have? No marriage is perfect . I have done the counseling, fighting, etc. I am at the point where I just don't fight anymore. Its not my problem. I refuse to baby grown ass adults.