Yes I think you're right Patsy....

That's just it...they feel entitled to have their own husbands treat them that way of course. But their father treat their SM's that way? No way! My DH's daughter feels DH and BM should have stayed together for YSD and her sake, and if they were selfish enough to divorce they should have stayed single and fully devoted to YSD and her

So if you think this way then I guess it's not hard to understand why DH's daughter seems to feel DH has no right to be with me, to love me, and that his relationship with me is coming at her expense.

I'm with you guys, must be horrible to be walking around with so much anger and resentment.

It crossed my mind she might be talking about me Echo but then I dismissed that real quick! Even she would have to admit she's never done anything for me - let alone cross an ocean the most effort she has ever put in where I'm concerned is trying to damage my relationship with DH and in that regard yes, she has put effort

DH's daughter may have put effort in initially because I think now although it seemed at first she was okay with it all she perhaps never was. She may think now that she isn't rude and openly hostile that she is putting in effort but she does not hide her unhappiness with my existence

No I feel it was aimed at DH and even there I have to laugh a little when I wonder how she thinks she has done anything much for DH either....where is she 'crossing an ocean' for him?

I understand she is hurt and unaccepting of me and yes if her post was aimed at DH it was a childish way to get back

But I still think it's important for us step-parents to understand where some of this nasty behaviour is coming from when it comes from our adult skids

DH's daughter and I are definitely not friends on Facebook nor should you assume I look at her page. No offence ladies but for those of you who jumped all over that, you may want to ASK next time for more details perhaps than throwing in opinions that you no nothing about. Just saying...

The fact is there are people who see her posts that also know DH and I. Not often does someone mention them to me but when someone asks how our weekend event that she was at went and were there problems because there was a strange post from her, well then I figure it could well be about DH

No worries Poodle, but it is very rare that any of our friends would take the time to pass DH's daughter's Facebook comments on to me. Again it was just that they knew about the event and saw the post and wondered if everything had gone okay....

Well that's just it Echo. That little bit of info that a friend provided about DH's daughter's post DID provide some insight....a reminder to me really. It is so easy for step-parents to sit back and just say "whatever" to all the nasty things their skids do and brush it off as their skids just being evil, or having issues, or like you (and me for that matter) simply not giving a damn any longer

At almost every event that DH's daughter and I are at together there are incidents with her, I simply say "whatever" to myself, look where it's coming from, she's evil and needs her head examined

But sometimes, when you get that little bit of insight, you have an easier time forgiving and letting things go when you understand where it comes from. Sorry but I see nothing wrong with that nor do I feel it is a waste of time when you learn certain things. It's not as if I'm wasting my time or energy trying to figure her out - gave up on that a long time ago - however if information comes to me and it helps explain things, nothing wrong with that either.

For my part, knowing this info only served to remind me that DH's daughter is hurt. Hurt people sometimes hurt others. She is lashing out, out of hurt. While I do not condone how she treats me and continue to demand respect, it is much easier for me to let things slide off my back having this knowledge

Sorry you're clueless as to why your SS's don't like you, and good for you that you no longer care. Some of us however find it easier to forgive others for what they do when we have a little understanding into what it's like to walk in their shoes that's all

If those mutual acquaintances were telling me about her posts all the time Orange County I would agree with you, but that's not the case. A friend who knew we were all at an event together and saw her post next day simply wondered if everything was okay and asked. Nothing more dramatic than that

I'm glad I learned about her post, I see her issues now are the same as when she was younger. I'm not about to waste any time digging deeper, but a little knowledge and understanding can't hurt!

Actually StepAside it is usually DH's daughter - not me - who receives all the attention and doting, each and every time we all get together. That would be DH's guilty daddy problem, even now.

Our situation is nothing like yours. My DH absolutely falls over backwards paying attention to his daughter and usually I'm on the back-burner.

This time DH happened to bring me up a couple times in her presence. Wow - I hardly feel that is shoving me down her throat. The exact opposite.

The difference is, I don't throw a jealous hissy fit if DH is paying attention to his daughter. But on the rare occasion DH is paying attention to me, his daughter has a jealous rage. At 32, that is so sad. She will never get over her hurt.

Exactly Sandye21! Think about that - your DH can't even wish you Happy B Day in front of your SD or she will freak out? Or in my case, my DH can't express concern over how ill I had been, without her posting some "whoa is me I'm unloved" thing on Facebook. Seriously, beyond ridiculous!

DH only 'corrects' her (and even then often he doesn't) when his daughter tries to alienate me from SGS, or is just being openly disrespectful by clearly excluding me. On the occasions DH speaks up to correct her it must annoy his daughter. She is jealous and competitive so does this deliberately, then gets more jealous and competitive when DH sticks up for me. It's a vicious cycle where she ends up being hurt and upset....if only she could figure out that if she showed some manners and tried not to be so manipulative and rude, DH would stop feeling the need to protect me from her actions. She would feel less jealous and competitive without DH jumping to my defense on those occasions

YSD figured it all out early. She is sweet and respectful towards me, and all DH does is fall over back-wards praising her for how wonderful she is, how fantastic. YSD doesn't get into these jealous rages, at least not that anyone is ever aware of She just gets a lot of attention from DH and I and she knows she is loved to bits

I wish I could somehow share some knowledge I learned at a young age, with DH's eldest daughter. I come from a large family. When you grow up in a family of good-looking, social, successful siblings there can be competition. Add to that a mother who openly played favorites. We had one sister who was my mom's absolute favorite. Everybody knew it. I have some siblings who tried hard to compete with her, which only made them look like wanna be's. I have some siblings who tattled on her endlessly always trying to point out her flaws. This only made them more pathetic looking as it showed how jealous and inferior they felt. Somehow I didn't get trapped in that. I learned young not to compare my relationship with my mom to anyone elses. You love who you love. Harsh for some, but it's life. Yes my mom could have tried harder not to make it so obvious but that's besides the point. I learned instead to simply focus on my own relationship with her. What mattered to me was that she loved me, was proud of me, and that I mattered to her. I didn't have to be the one who mattered MOST.

When you're focused on your own relationship with someone, and learn not to compare your relationship to what they have with others, the feelings of jealousy and competitiveness go away.

I would really love to be able to say to DH's daughter that she is confusing whether she as his daughter comes first with over who he loves MORE. DH is a responsible and loving parent and his kids and grandchild's needs have always come first. And I would have it no other way. However that doesn't necessarily means he must also love them MORE than me. In fact, he may love his eldest daughter LESS than me. And really, so what. That sounds mean but it doesn't mean DH loves his daughter any less than he ever has. It doesn't mean that his love for her isn't enormously huge. It doesn't mean he isn't as totally proud of her as he has always been.

I would love to say, so what if your worst fear is true - your dad loves his wife the most and yes that is more than you. Be happy with your own relationship with your father. He loves you very very much and wants only the best for you. But he is allowed to love more than just you. Be happy he has found someone that has made him happy, to care for him (she sure doesn't) and who has made a tremendous effort to have a relationship with you too

I think DH's daughter's biggest issue, like so many of our skids, is that they feel their parent must love them the most. Even well into adulthood with families of their own, they still believe their parent should love them more. If they were in an intact home and this was their BM it would be much less of an issue. Most would think how sweet, my dad is so inlove with my mom, she's the centre of his world. But when the wife is your SM - well suddenly the normal healthy love between your parents isn't acceptable to you and it becomes a competition....

Not on a quest to understand my DH's eldest daughter Echo so please don't put words in my mouth. I have about as much interest in seeking out why she behaves the way she does as you do your SS's...which sound beyond horrible by the way and wouldn't wish that on anyone.

My point in this post was simply to mention something I had learned about her feelings - quite by accident - and that I was glad to have gained that knowledge as I better understand where she is coming from, and that makes it easier to forgive and move past it. Not sure why some people don't understand that or find it almost offensive but for those who do find it helpful to know where their skids might be coming from sometimes, I hope it helped

Good one Catmom2