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Need advice!

Steppingup29's picture

I'm sure this post will be lengthy and I apologize for that. I feel like I need to give some back story and then explain what took place yesterday. 

First off, I am not on here to bash my fiance's ex baby mama. When I stepped into this picture I was the one with the open mind and positive despite my fiance's warnings. I initially and up to a certain point liked his exes mom (which by the way dates my fiance's dad- talk about a messy situation) anyways I thought she was lovely though he told me his ex and everyone is FAKE. Sure enough- his ex and her mom use his dad for money...and his dad is just as awful as they are. Honestly, they all suck. I cant get into the nitty gritty of it all well, I'll save you all that drama...but please believe me when I say they are AWFUL and that they prove that to us over and over again.


Anyways- when I came into the picture...his ex tried to step up her game because she saw that I was doing a better job- she lasted about 2 weeks and went back to her ways. She is a lousy parent- granted not everyone could do this job. Simple things such as do homework with her daughter or read to her etc she cant do. We would get my bonus daughter at the end of the week with no homework done- this has been going on since kindergarten and now she's in 2nd grade. She's falling behind. She comes to us saying mommy just slept on the couch or mommy forgot or I asked mommy and she said now the night before she has a whole weeks worth needing to be done and turn in. Not cool. Stress on her and us. I cant tell you how many texts we get from his BM saying that she forgot about the homework and didnt do it all week.


THE ISSUE- what this whole post is about


Before school started, my bonus daughter and her mom went to 2nd grade walk paperwork and the first assignment- an all about me poster. Week 1 we asked our daughter if she had homework...she said no. We got her later that week and no homework in backpack. Week 2...same thing EXCEPT when I picked her up this Wednesday I found out from bonus daughter about the poster AND that her mom was going to do it for her and bring it on Monday (this is her being sneaky about it so my fiance doesnt find out that it was not completed). The whole point of project was for daughter to do it! Am I right?! Haha not for her mom to do it. She could have helped her, yes that's fine. But not do it. You know what hits the fan! My daughter even asked the teacher if it was okay if her mom did it- an obvious No. So now her mom is doing it via iPad with her...and her mom "dgaf what her teacher thinks or says" and her mom said that she wouldnt drop it off at our house and the "only 2 options we have" are she does it or we have to go get it from grandpas (which is out of our way and it's her fault it is not done.) The sad thing is that our daughter begged her to do it...and when she didnt have it she knew her mom wouldn't drive it to her. She could have sent it with our daughter so we could do it, but Noooooo. My fiance was pissed and tried talking with her saying you're not getting it... she needs to do her own work...well you cant fix stupid! It was like talking to a wall. Now its Thursday afternoon and I'm picking up my bonus daughter from school. Her grandma is there picking up other kids...I can tell her grandma knows about the drama because 1. She doesnt text me and 2. She barely said hi and was talking with another mom about the poster issue when I walked up. My daughter gets out of school and grandma gives her the poster. My daughter goes "does this look like mommy did it?" And I replied yes and Grandma decides to chime in saying " well I would have done it exactly like that myself!" I get it- stick up for your daughter but I even know she thinks she's lousy too.  So I say "well next time she needs to learn to do it herself" and we leave. I call my fiance to tell him about the altercation and not even 10 mins later his ex is calling him because grandma tattled on me hahahaha it all broke loose from fiance said that I was backing him up and have every right to...she's telling him that I'm overstepping my boundaries...that i am not her mom nor ever will be and maybe I'll understand when my fiance has a new gf and she's doing that to my baby etc etc it was ridiculous. Turned into a titt for tatt...we are all so done with all of them.

Now, how do I go on from this? We found out my bonus daughter doesnt tell the WHOLE truth...her mom is coaxing things out of her to pin her against me. I know her mom is beyond jealous and threatened...but hey I wouldn't have to overstep if she actually STEPPED UP in the first place. We bend over backwards for her because we dont want our daughter to end up hurting. Enough is enough though! When grandma and grandpa go on vacation coming up, her mom is going to need me to pick her up on her days.. I am not going to do it...I'm not trying to be petty, but even my fiance agrees. When the time comes, how can I say no? Like I really want to be sarcastic and say sorry that would be me overstepping! Lol 

 They only care about themselves. My baby is 5 months...his dad has been over multiple times to get our daughter and has yet to see the baby (not like I want him to lol)...and the only reason he is involved with daughter is because of her grandma. It's all just sick. So there is a lot of issues going on obviously. I just need some advice.. I'm ALWAYS the bigger person, but I'm tired of it. Sorry for how lengthy this was...I really needed to vent.

justmakingthebest's picture

So, the reason BM wanted to be incharge of the all about me poster was to leave you guys out of it. It would only have BM listed as family. It would only have pictures of BM and SD. It was to be a brag poster for AMAZING BM and you went and ruined it by following up on school for SD    *unknw*

Your SD is being trained to earn mommy dearest's love by doing things to you. Lying, 1/2 truths, manipulations, etc.

Stand your ground about what you feel comfortable with when it comes to SD. Don't get sucked in. Remain kind and courteous. Expect the same in return. 


Steppingup29's picture

You are so correct! I love your mommy dearest comment haha My fiance and I will joke amongst ourselves and say in reaction "mom of the year!" My fiance emailed the teacher and explained part of situation...trying to teach our daughter responsibility etc..and hopes she will send home another poster for her to accomplish. I have been trying my hardest to continue to be nice and help when ever needed, but I know it will never be reciprocated. Would you still help out when she's  in a "bind"? That's where I'm struggling with. No it's not our job to teach BM lessons...but they all expect me to do it. Oh I cant wait for school pick up today! Lol not. I was the bigger person yesterday for saying hi to grandma even though I knew tensions were rising...we just want nothing to do with them. That's how my fiance ended it yesterday too..only communicate about daughter or medical stuff etc nothing more. 

justmakingthebest's picture

So the helping BM thing is a no go for me.... unless it impacts the kids. Will me not doing something affect them negatively? If the answer is yes, I would begrudgingly do it. If the answer is no, then NOPE!