Derailing upcoming wedding
After 25 years together my wonderful partner and I decided to finally make it legal and get married. What should be a happy and exciting time for us has descended into sheer hell because of her 2 adult kids.
Yesterday things escalated with the daughter threatening to pull our granddaughter from the wedding party, and/or her whole family over a minor squabble which ended with her saying I was unfeeling, selfish and on it went. Sadly it's far from true; I've tried to be there from her teen years onward. It hurts to realise that obviously it wasn't enough. My lady and I have been financially generous with both kids - started them on property ladder, gave my skid daughter a lavish wedding, generally helping in every way. Yesterday I realised nothing is ever enough for her.
I am not one to seek out advice (a male thing I know lol) but my lovely lady, their mother, is in tears, the wedding looms, I am stressed out with not only this situation but the after effects of the pandemic on our businesses etc. Here I sit in the conservatory having a coffee at 5:30 at a loss.
You and your sweet lady can
You and your sweet lady can not change how her adult children think and feel, however, I think it is important to NOT allow them to hold you two hostage with their threats and manipulations. Since the daughter has threatened to pull the granddaughter from the wedding party, maybe you should not include the daughter or any of her immediately family in the wedding party. Just a thought.
I absolutely agree. Take her
I absolutely agree. Take her power away by removing her daughter from the limelight and, depending on the girl's age, tell her why.
It sounds as if your SD was spoiling for a fight. Don't let her get in the way of your big day.
Derailing our wedding
I think it's the vitriol and nastiness that upset me most. I have tried to be a SD to them both. My wife is so very upset. As a man and her husband I am a guy who wants to make things right for her and us.
The wedding is just months away and whilst eloping sounds ideal, the wedding has been planned and must go ahead. I don't want my SD and granddaughter to not attend. Our 4 year old granddaughter is the flower girl. However I don't want this drama, ultimatums etc to continue. We are both wrinkled enough and don't need anymore before our big day.
Take your power back.
Take your power back.
Elope.
This
It may be too late if the planning is far down the road but this is what SO and I are doing for our wedding this summer. We will have a snall-ish reception for family and close friends but this avoids alot of crap over who is and isn't in the wedding party or who sits where (except for a reserved table for us and our parents, everything is open seating. So SD24 Bratty McBratFace will not be sitting with us hehehe).
Why not?
Why would you not want Bratty at your table ? LOL Sure hope you offer a Vegan lite meal for her.
OP your wedding is about you and your lucky bride.
You could always elope , it eliminates the drama.
Bratty at my table
EFF NO. But, we have have made arrangements for her and Nutter GF to have a vegan plate 'special' for them...just as long as they are seated away from me!
Also...
Funny thing is, SO didn't fight very hard to have Bratty at our table either. Cements my theory that while he loves his kids - he doesn't really like spending time with them. LOL.
How awful to be treated that
How awful to be treated that way! As other posters wrote, I, too, would recommend cutting them out of the wedding. If you don't, there may be unnecessary and hurtful drama that will forever tarnish your special day. The SD sounds like the type who will absolutely find reasons to make trouble on your wedding day.
Please keep us posted and know we are all here for you!
Thank you. Still trying to
Thank you. Still trying to decide best course of action.
I am angry at this turn of events but no sense in more angry scenes. However don't want to have to walk around on eggshells to appease the skid after she completely flipped out and hastily gave us the wedding ultimatum. I am coming around to calling her bluff and just exclude her from our big happy day. Just need my SO, her mom, to come around to that way of thinking too.
I am sad that after being there for the Skids for decades she pulls this stunt.
I'm glad to hear this is your
I'm glad to hear this is your decision. By doing so you will be taking the wind out of her sails and she will lose her power over you. Why would her mother want to continue to allow (nay, enable) her daughter's utter disrespect of the man she is going to marry? If the SD cannot be happy for you both then she doesn't deserve her place in your future.
PS
If, in the end, she does come to your wedding, I suggest you ensure you have someone to keep a discreet eye on her so that if she tries to start anything, they can quietly escort her to the door.
The thing about marriage and
The thing about marriage and weddings is that the only people that matter are the 2 actually getting married. I suggest that you scrap the whole thing and take off somewhere exotic and elope. Make it full of memories and special for YOU TWO and no one else.
I wish
I wish we had just gone away!
We were supposed to marry in Hawaii, all our close friends knew that was the code word for us tying the knot and they all wanted to jet there to be with us. The pandemic scuppered those plans so the wedding is UK based.
if her daughter is causing
if her daughter is causing drama, politely tell her that this isn't about her and if she cannot show respect and happiness for your special day then she can take a seat and grow up.
remind your soon to be Mrs that this day is about the two of you and if family is becoming an issue, maybe elope then have a small reception later. Put the focus back on the two of you.
Agree With Everyone
Your SO needs to advise the SD that it is YOUR wedding, not hers and you two will not tolerate her "threat" of removing her child. So, either she agrees to the child being in the wedding or you can remove her from the wedding party. While I'm not against "eloping," if this is the wedding your SO wants, then she should have it. Don't let an entitled adult ruin what you two want.
Another vote for eloping. It
Another vote for eloping. It's incredibly romantic.
Eloping!
When DH and I were planning for our wedding, SD planned to be there and seemed excited and her older sibling wanted to come...but they lives 4 hours away and BM wouldn't transport her nor pick her up...so that would be 2 days of transporting Skids and we only had 4 days off from work (both of us have high pressure jobs). We both wanted to include our kids, but we just couldn't make it work and in the end, it's about the 2 of you...no one else.
We took a few steps back and planned a beautiful elopement with just the 2 of us, but we ended up having my dad and stepmother come because they lived so close to the venue. We splurged on a great hotel and gorgeous photography. We still (nearly 6 years later) haven't done a reception, but plan to for an anniversary.
Your SD is acting her shoe size and trying to ruin what should be one of your best days ever....don't allow it. Either let them bow out, as she has threatened, or change plans. Your bride is fortunate to have someone so thoughtful and supportive. She knows her DD is being a beeotch right now, and it hurts her. DD needs to get over herself.
The way I would deal with a
The way I would deal with a threat like that is to simply remove the grandchild from the wedding party ("We don't wish to deal with that uncertainty") and let the SD know that it's her choice whether her family will attend, and while it would disappoint her mother if SD chose not to attend, you will not respond positively to threats. Don't negotiate with terrorists.
Agree with everyone!
I logged in this morning to ask about exactly this! I (F45) and SO (M52) have been together 10 years. The younger SD (27) has been trouble off and on for years. The older (32) was ok but SO warned she caused trouble whenever she could and was the source of a lot of the issues. He was right. I decided from the beginning that they wouldn't be bridesmaids or have any significant role-maybe tend the guestbook IF they were behaving but nothing significant. The older one just pulled another BiG drama and I am SO glad I decided not to give them any power. We're on the fence whether they'll even be invited at this point. Do NOT give them any power, because they will abuse it. I'm hoping that exerting some dominance and showing them that they don't run the show will keep them in check in the future. Good luck and count your blessings they're not at home anymore!
Elope. Make it an an exotic destination.
No wedding party. Just the two of you and the officiant. Any guests can pay for their own trip, sit where they are told and STFU.
KISS. Keep it stupid simple.
Your Bride's failed family breeding experiment needs to have its teeth pulled. So pull them. If SD wants to play games, make her play your game by your rules. She needs to feel the new normal of you smacking her back under her rock when she assaults your bride's calm and your marital bliss. Zero tolerance, absolute ass bared consequences, and no quarter. This is not a child. Toxic adults get no mercy.
Congraulations on the upcoming nuptials.
It is YOUR wedding.
SD sounds like a diva. It's ok, but it is NOT her rodeo so to speak. I've been married over 10 yrs to DH and his two daughters both in their teens at the time refused to attend. At the time I was very upset because we planned to location to be closer to them. Now looking back I should have been overjoyed. Lol.
Just remember the wedding is about you and your bride. If it winds up being less in number so be it.
Your wedding is YOURS
Try to be supportive but still firm:
"I know this is upsetting, but this is about us, and its our day. SD is upset about xyz, but we cannot let this interfere. Weve given her xyz, and always been very supportive of her, and its now HER turn and if shes not up to the task of supporting us in this, then she needs to step back."