Moving Across the Country
Hi All, This is my first post and hopefully this is the right forum to post this in, if not, my apologies. I’ll get right to the point.
I’ve been dating a woman for about 3 years now and we live on opposite sides of the country. We’ve maintained our relationship up to this point by planning visits to each other, FaceTime calls during the day and going on small vacations together.
she has three great kids (14, 17 and 20) with whom I get along with and are generally well behaved. Two months ago I was laid off my job and so the time seemed right to make the move out to be with her. I have no ex-wives of kids of my own so it seemed obvious that I would be the one making the move.
The problem is, and pardon my insecurities, leaving everything I’ve know up until this point (parents, siblings, friends etc) behind. I’ve lived my entire life in the same geographic location and have felt an enormous amount of anxiety about moving. I honestly thought that it would be a non-issue before but now that the prospect looms, it’s become a problem.
It would be great to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation and could possibly offer some insight.
I'm Canadian and was supposed
I'm Canadian and was supposed to move to texas - same situation as you- I have no ex husband, no kids- he has a daughter.
I ended it because it was becoming a nightmare and I realized I would never ever come first and I wasn't comfortable having the whims of a 12 year old and her disney dad dictate the parameters of my life.
Im not telling you to leave- but it was best for me; I didn't want to give my life away and have his past and baggage take away my self determination. He was also starting to be a dick because I think he thought I loved him so much I'd put up with anything.
Showed him.
Don’t do it if:
Don’t do it if:
1. you have to live with the skids full time
2. skids have any problems such as mental health issues, behavioral issues, drugs and other criminal stuff, and if skids are jealous
3. You are without a job
4. She has financial problems
5. She has poor boundaries with her ex or emotional baggage from her divorce
These are all pretty much the
These are all pretty much the case except for the last one.
Oh no!!! Be careful!
Oh no!!! Be careful!
I’m flying home next week and
I’m flying home next week and will give this all some serious second thought
1. Then the adjustment will
1. Then the adjustment will be much harder. She will accuse you of “you need to be the adult” when skids reject you and disrespect you. Your feelings will mean nothing and she will side with her children. Since it will be full time you will have no reprieve from this. It will be constant and you will feel like there is no escape once youblet yourself get in too deep.
2. If skids have problems already then they will consume all the energy in the household like a black hole and you will wonder if you are insome sick twighlight zone. You will lose yourself and become a psychotic person who hates your stepkids. Someone you don’t know. You will experience moral injury.
3. Without a job you will feel completely hopeless and dependent on her and if she is controlling she will love that.
4. If she has financial problems she’s hoping you will save her but as we all know for most people with financial problems having more money isn’t the solution. You will be blamed for not helping enough while at the same time being bled through the nose.
She’s never asked for
She’s never asked for financial help but I do feel like she just needs someone to fill the provider role.
Maybe
Maybe
1. Get your own place like already mentioned
2. Start out disengaged. Google articles about disengagement and medium chill
3. Don’t go unless you have a job lined up
4. Don’t pool money and don’t ever buy anything for her and her children. The only thing you buy are dinner dates and obligatory holiday and birthday gifts for her.
It's normal to feel some
It's normal to feel some trepidation about such a big move. I'm not sure if that's really what your worried about or if it's your future with her and the kids. So I'll address both.
Don't move in with her -- get your own place. That way, if things don't work out with her or her kids, you won't be so invested. If you live alone there, you'll make more friends, have more time to pursue the things you love where you are now. If the relationship goes south, you'll have a support network and a life outside of her and her kids. And if she or the living situation end up being different than they appear from a distance, you have an easier out.
You are going there with nothing (no friends, no job, no family) so don't cripple yourself further by tying your living situation to someone you don't really know that well up close. Your own space will be your friend if you realize the situation is not what you hoped.
As for leaving what you've always known, maybe you won't like the new place, but what's the worst that can happen? You move back. You don't have a job now, so even if you stay where you are, there will be changes. It is a good time to try something new because you'll already be starting over at a new job. What's the best that can happen? You love your new life, you have someone you love in your life, you have your own space and you'll be glad you made a move.
I say go for it, as long as going for it isn't moving in with her.
Good advice. I hadn’t even
Good advice. I hadn’t even considered getting my own place. Will give it some thought
I moved across country for
I moved across country for jobs several times during my working life. Almost always moving to a city where I knew no one. I was alone with no kids or spouse. I know what it is like to leave friends, family, etc.
It's not easy, but I almost always managed to make a good new life for myself. My one exception was in Pittsburgh 40 years ago during one of their worst blizzard years. I'd probably love it today as it's become a vibrant city. I left after a year, but I'm sure I would have adjusted if I'd stayed longer.
You can do this. But don't just do it because of her. I also think you should get your own place. Give the new location a good chance - even realizing that this may not be where you live forever.
I feel like it could be a
I feel like it could be a really good thing but I can’t seem to focus on being engaged here. It’s a depressing place to live. Two types of people. Meth heads and retirees.
So...
You don't like the area.
Skids are problematic.
She has financial problems.
You don't really want to leave your friends and family (support network).
You don't have a job there and your professional network will be zero in that location.
....
Why are you going? What is the list for that? "You love her"?
Love is not enough. It is romantic, but not enough for a relationship to work.
Tread very light and reconsider. Don't put yourself in a bad financial position by moving, thereby making yourself unable to move back home if it doesn't work out.
I agree with the others that
I agree with the others that said get your own place.
It could be a lot of fun- is the new place interesting?
I know a lot of people are
I know a lot of people are saying don't do it because of the Skids. However, I am a military wife. My ex (my kids dad) was military too. We moved all the time. We will be moving again in a year or so. It is what it is. I thought my first move was going to be horrible. I had lived in the same house almost my entire life (got married at 19)- all my friends, family, world was in my town. It was scary but some of my best experiences were through those moves and the people I have met along the way. If you don't move, just don't let it be becasue you are scared of trying something new!
OP, ask your mom what she
OP, ask your mom what she thinks IF she is still living.
Then ask you dad what HE thinks if he is still living.
I know what I would say...
They haven’t said don’t do it
They haven’t said don’t do it but it’s obvious they are not in full support
If you were my adult son you
If you were my adult son you bet I would say DONT do this or you will end up regretting it WITH a child support order too.
LOOK at her history, LOOK at her kids bio dads? Look at her parents...REALLY look how she is with her own dad.
Goodluck...I'm out of this.
I was in the same situation
So I completely understand the hardships of leaving all near and dear
It's been a few months and I haven't met friends (I work from home so that's a factor) it can be very challenging. You'll often feel pretty alone
If you move do you have a fail safe ie relatives that can support you moving back or enough to so to do so on your own and you love your partner- do it. Otherwise if you have doubts and no way to get back then wait or simply don't.