Daughter-in law and three children coming to live
New here, feel guilty but here it is. My husband told me tonight that his daughter-in-law and three children (toddler, 4yr and 7 year old) are coming to live with us for 2 months (though he cant tell me exactly it wont be more then 9 months). The guilt comes from the fact that her husband is being deployed (he is high ranking) and they cant accompany because of COVID. I obviously feel like I should support this since he is serving the country. My husband apparently said they (all 4 of them) can live in my adult daughter's room (1 full bed) because she is headed off to medical school in the fall. We have a nice 3 bedroom house trailer on our property that we lived in when we remodeled our house, and when I suggested we set it up for them he didnt like the idea. I just have this feeling that this is a bad idea and I dont like that he told me and didnt ask me and acted like I was inappropriate to suggest this to be a bad idea.
Oh hell no. Not when there is
Oh hell no. Not when there is housing on your property ready for them that gives you privacy in your own home.
smh
Honestly, your DIL would
Honestly, your DIL would probably PREFER to have the trailer than to be crammed in one bedroom with all her kids.
Even if it were your bio
Even if it were your bio daughter, three children and an adult occupying one room is a recipe for disaster. I agree that SD would probably prefer the trailer. I know I would.
I'd tell him to get the trailer ready as, if they are moving into the house, I am moving into the trailer.
I'd tell him to get the
My thoughts exactly!!
Welcome to the site!
Excuse me, he "told" you???? In what universe is this OK? This is something that should have been discussed in great detail with you before the two of you agreed to anything. I'm sorry but this would be my hill to die on, for sure. Crunch time for the marriage.
They'd be more comfortable in
They'd be more comfortable in the trailer having their own space than in a 1 bedroom. Put your foot down and do what's best for you as a couple and their family.
He needs to understand that
He needs to understand that two adult women living under the same roof NEVER works. Present it to him that he is being unfairly cruel to his DIL by expecting her to live in someone else's home with someone else's rules, being crammed into a single room with her kids, and ESPECIALLY when she can see that there is an actual house trailer outside. She's going to think you hate her for not letting her have it.
Wax poetic about how welcome she'd feel if you got the trailer ready, maybe filled the fridge, had it done up and waiting just for her and her kids.
Since when does the military
Since when does the military kick spouses and children out when one of theirs is on deployment and their families cannot follow?
I find myself wondering if the DIL really wants to live with you or if it's been presented as if you'd be absolutely THRILLED to have her and her kids and that she mustn't disappoint you. I can't imagine her being happy about leaving her current home to be stuck in a single bedroom with one bed and three kids ...
Exactly
They dont. DIL probably has a better support system at current duty station. There must be some reason she is willing to uproot for such a short period of time.
I knew several ladies with
I knew several ladies with kids who went and stayed with their parents while their spouses were deployed. It works in situations where all are in agreement. Kids get extra time with grandparents, mom gets help and emotional support, the housing allowance can be saved rather than spent on rent.. In an intact first family situation this is ideal, but in stepworld things can get tickly.
Hate to admit it but I'd happily do this for my bios but not for the steps. The issue of respect and dynamics in general are so much different. Though in either situation the family would be staying in the trailer.
But how many would be happy
But how many would be happy about going to live with their in-laws as in this case?
Yeah, no. No one TELLS me who
Yeah, no. No one TELLS me who is moving into MY home that I pay for and clean. That's not happening.
BUT, I'm assuming your DD is your DH's SD? Did he get a say in her living with you all as an adult (as I'm assuming she's in her early 20s if she's about to head off to med school)? He's probably as thrilled to be living with her as you are of living with his DIL. That doesn't mean he doesn't like your DD as a person, but living with a SK, even a good one, messes with your mojo.
I think now is a really good time to close off your home to long-term guests. You have a guest house. Any adult kids visiting need to stay in the guest house. Your DD's room needs to be converted. In fact, it might be good to have her help clean up her room and move into the trailer for the remainder of summer to get ready for the next batch of visitors and to give you and DH time alone in the house before the next gaggle of kids strolls in.
"DH, I've been thinking. We've had kids in our house for too long. I think the house should be ours again. I'm going to ask DD to clear out of her room and move into the trailer. She can fix it up for DIL and the kids. We can turn DD's room into an office/gym/grandbaby playroom/sewing room, etc. Plus, DD moving into the trailer gives us free time without anyone else in our home except us."
Um, no.
Um, no.
Oh hell no
I would not accept my DH making a decision like that without discussing it in detail with me first and reaching an agreement about how it would work. Good fences make good neighbors and the same with family. Let them stay but the trailer will be easiest for them and you. She is used to running her own house her way, and the trailer gives her that freedom. I would think through the things that are important to you and have discussions with her before she moves in to keep everyone happy. If you present it as this will give you your own space and privacy, and that she is welcome in the house and plan dinners and such, it should be fine, especially if the trailer is nice. She may prefer it. But do not allow your DH to make these types of decisions without your imput, its disrespectful of you. You are co-owners of your relationship and your home, and he does not have the right to make decisions that will impact either without your full, enthusiast consent.
The day my DH tells me that
The day my DH tells me that other people are moving into my house is the day I'd have him admitted on a 3-day psych hold.
update
saga continues, my husband is indicating that he is hurt by my wanting to have adult SD and grandchildren in trailer and he is withdrawing. He is currently deployed also and now says he will quarantine elsewhere rather then coming home to quarantine. He has history with his prior wife, who was abusive to his daughter when she was young. This degree of drama is really beyond me and I simply refuse to participate. Thanks to all who have provided input that the trailer is a reasonable option. But please share if you dont agree and can weigh in on his side. Regards, CES
"Fine, I'll have my attorney
"Fine, I'll have my attorney send the separation papers to wherever you decide to quarantine, so send me the address once you have it."
Talk about a mantrum. There is a lot of room for compromise here that gives everyone space for themselves. This has nothing to do with anyone but him. If that's how he feels, then he can find somewhere else to live with his DIL.
Let the man baby quarantine
Let the man baby quarantine elsewhere while you enjoy the peace.
Good for you for not playing.
Good for you for not playing.
TBH, I find myself wondering why he is being so obstinate about this because he is not being reasonable. This doesn't appear to be about having his DIL and her kids in one room, it seems to be about avoiding having anyone in the trailer. OP, I suggest that, since he's deployed, you take advantage of the time alone and go and investigate what's in the trailer that he so wants to hide. After all, if it's clean and ready and DIL actually does turn up you can offer the choice of a room or a trailer to her. Hands up anyone who thinks she'll take the room! Yes, didn't think so...
Go snoop in the trailer ...
Sounds passive-aggressive
1. He TOLD, not DISCUSSED. Married partners discuss.
2. The 3 bed trailer sounds MUCH nicer. I CANNOT think of anything that supports his view.
3. He needs to move on from this.
Is your DH military too?
What do you mean he "has history" with his ex? Is it possible your DH will be staying with his her? If he winds up staying with her or some new squeeze, tell him you will have him court martialed for infidelity.
This whole scenario about the DIL is bunk, too. It's been on the news. The military has stopped all moves and kept families in place due to COVID so that part of the story is B.S. DIL should be staying exactly where she is and not moving at all. This is what happens even without COVID - families stay put during a servicemembers deployment. She would not have orders to move anywhere and the military won't be supporting nor paying for her move.
You dh is throwing a temper
You dh is throwing a temper tantrum to get his way! If you own dh is not going to be living with you, you sure don't want dil and 3 kids moving in with you. Take control and contact dil and kindly give her the one option you have which is the trailer (IF that is okay with you!). She will most likely appreciate that! She can have her own privacy and so can you.
Why is you dh so insistant that dil & 3 kids move in with you? The trailer was good enough for you to live in while you did your remodel but some how its not good enough for dil & 3 kids?
This would definitely be my hill to die on! This would be my hill to die on even if I did not have a trailer to offer! You dh should not make decisions that affect you without your imput.