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Cleaning Up After Grown "kids" and Grandkids

MissTexas's picture

To begin with, I used to be all in on anything and everything. As the years clicked by, and circumstances presented themselves, I decided to use my time and talents elsewhere.

I have been raised in a step-family situation. My BM was divorced multiple times.

Several years ago and older step-brother resurfaced in my life, and we were both glad about the reunion. He was 7 years older than me and we never lived under the same roof. He's always been a tell-it-like-it-is, very unpolished but fiercely devoted and loyal to those he loves and cares for. A biker type with a rebel streak a mile long. I enjoy his presence.

So DH's grown kids and grandkids visit whenever they want. They never hear the word "NO." EVER. One week-end they had been here, and normally DH is meticulous about cleaning up the guest house after them: doing the laundry (sheets/towels) and making sure A/C, heat are turned off and trash is removed. You are reading that correctly, daddeee is cleaniup up after 50+ year old people and their kids.

Well, as fate would have it, daddee missed the trash. Since I no longer take part in this ritual, I didn't make a walk through before my step-brother came for a visit. 

When he showed up for breakfast the next morning, I asked how he slept, if he found everything alright. He said everything was great, and was very impressed that I gave him the best pillows from our home, and went to the linen closet to get him a fresh pillow case. He commented several times how I treated him like a king, and he felt so welcome and invited. As we were finishing breakfast, he says, "I didn't want to mention this while we were eating, but SOMEONE left a big o'l bloody Kotex in the batrhoom trash can, face up and man, was it ripe!" I was so upset. Even though is he is an easy going guy, it was somwhat embarassing. He told me not to worry about it, everything else had been excellent, and he took the trash out and would take it and dispose of it with his trash. Someone was raised right, cleaning up after THEMSELVES.

I mentioned this to DH and I was upset with his response. "I should've walked through and taken care of that." I told him, "No, the grandchild, or her PARENT should teach her (1.) how to dispose of her used sanitary products (2.) make sure it is taken care of and disposed of upon their departure. DH kept saying he needed to have cleaned up after them better, to which I reiterated my response, and how upsetting it was that MY COMPANY had to deal with it because of THEIR negligence, and entiteled expectation daddee would take care of it, because he always does. I told him he needed to tell his child to be sure to clean up after the kids. He kept insisting HE SHOULD HAVE DONE IT. Then he screams at me out of nowhere, "YOU'RE DRIVING ME F***ING INSANE." Really? All because I expect adults to clean up after themselves and their kids?

How would you have handled this, without getting back into the routine of cleaning up after them, (as I did FOR MANY YEARS)?

SacrificialLamb's picture

Gaslighting + men not understanding the grossness of displayed used Kotex (I had a huge VRBO issue with a male owner).  And YOU were at fault because you didn't find the ripe Kotex ahead of time.  But if you had made a practice of checking on the place everytime his family left the guest house, you would have heard about that too.

And how dare you say anything bad about his perfect perfect family! Afterall, don't most families have used Kotex laying around?

Everyone knows you take out the trash before someone new comes in.  Your DH knows this too, except he was lazy and got caught.  And it's so easy for him to just say you hate his family. 

Catmom024's picture

Yes, leaving a used Kotex laying around for others to see and deal with isn't just normal,  it's the GREATEST THING EVER and something EVERYONE should do,  don't ya know!!! If you don't do this then YOU are a loser!!! 

((Sarcasm)). Lol.  

MissTexas's picture

If we don't laugh we'd cry! 

Thanks for the smiles!

MissTexas's picture

It's a no win situation, but I wasn't about to let it go unnoticed, especially since it was my company who had the misfortune of finding grandbrat's mess. I did make it clear to step brother exactly what had happened. Mind you, it had been at least 3 WEEKS since brats were here by the time he showed up. Poor thing. 

Hahaha! Oh yes, that's standard procedure, don't you know? Especially when you're expecting guests...leave that sick mess fro someone else to notice and clean up! Gag.

Oh for sure. I always leave EVERYTHING cleaner than I found it, no  matter where I am, even in a hotel!

He was lazy and yes, I did catch him and he didn't like it. That's why he decided to scream at me for bringing it up. He KNOWS it was totally SCREWED UP! 

I still cannot understand why he thought it was HIS JOB to clean up after her. I guess he did that all of SD's life too. Who knows?

All I know is I'm not doing it, and I will make every effort to be certain there's nothing like that for MY VISITORS.

Floral_SM's picture

When I stay at my parents house as an adult, I make the bed on my departure and make sure any of my rubbish is disposed into their outdoor bins. My dishes are put in the dishwasher and I leave their guest bathroom how it was presented to me. It's manners and respect. You have every right to be firm and stick to your guns on this. They are adults! They should have more respect. Good for you to show him better morals.

Rags's picture

We do the same when we visit my parents.  I refuse to stay at my ILs shit hole home.  When we have visited I end up sanitizing anything I'm going to touch before I touch it.  My DW knows that staying with any of my IL clan is not an option if I am along on the visit.

Bad

I have stayed in their home only one time.  That was 2wks after we married when we were in SpermLand to defend the custody suit the SpermClan attempted.  For one night only.  Since then, we stay in hotels when we visit.

MissTexas's picture

This has to be taught or learned. 

I make every effort,( and always have, even when my kids were babies) to put clean sheets on the beds, wash dishes, wash towels etc. before leaving. It's just common courtesy.

DH is just upset because he knows I know his "perfect" kids and grandkids are a shit show wrapped in human flesh. Rather than confront and correct, he'd be most comfortable just doing it for them, and that, my friend is how we got here in the first place!

Kes's picture

His family leave gross things and HE screams at YOU because of it?  Goddess give me strength!  That is some serious gaslighting.  

SacrificialLamb's picture

Because he is frustrated that you discovered that his wonderful family is not perfect.  He now just wants to transfer some of the blame that he feels - that of his gross family, that of himself for not finding it ahead of time - to you.

He forgets that you already knew they weren't perfect.  But like my counselor once told me, these daddies live in the Land of Denial because they can't deal with reality.

When you think about it, shame is at the root of so many problems. Shame alone can turn people into Cluster B's (one of my nicknames for DH's cackling coven in his family) or completely live in denial.

tog redux's picture

You're not going to change him. Let him clean up after his preciouses and just do a walk through before any guests other than his kids stay there. And if you find anything, summon him back to finish the job. Sad that he's created such entitled kids and grandkids, but it is what it is at this point. 

MissTexas's picture

out how no matter how disgusting, or trivial things may seem, it always seems to come back on us.

Correct. I will continue to do a thorough walk through BEFORE MY GUESTS visit, and after they leave, although I will say I have never had to clean up after one of them. I even have one friend and her husband who sweep, wash and dry towels and sheets and fold them and put clean towels out and fresh sheets on the beds. She even folds the tissue square into an arrow like some hotels do!

It's a disgusting truth:  he raised entitled brats and now the generational curse continues.

And yes, "it is what it is" but it is not my responsibility to clean up after his slobs, nor is it his, but  he has assumed the role, so now it is expecte of him by his brats. It's his mess he's created.

Catmom024's picture

Hey lady!!!! I haven't met him, but I adore your step brother!!! Lol.  He sounds awesome. 

The Kotex thing is beyond disgusting.  I do know that it seems common from what i've seen on here for skids have issues when it comes to these sorts of things...and toilet issues too. Unfortunately we aren't allowed to ever say anything about the skids, especially if it is negative.   They only want to hear what they want to hear, when they want to hear it.  It's all about that denial!!

MissTexas's picture

And he loves DH! Of course step brother thought NOTHING of it except it was gross, but as he says, nothing he hadn't seen before, just wasn't expecting THAT.

Isn't it just so nasty? 

Oh no...we can never point out the obvious, now can WE?

SacrificialLamb's picture

It's one thing if the daddies point out things in their families that bother them, but we cannot say a word without them getting defensive.

Miss T's picture

...  behavior and attitude toward the disgusting habits of his offspring. I would ignore the issue completely until you find evidence that the pigs have left messes. Then demand icily that the offending material be removed THIS INSTANT. If your DH chooses to clean up after people who should clean up after themselves, it's on him. That's his issue to wrestle with--not yours. Just demand that the job be done IMMEDIATELY--"before I throw up"--and be sure you resist any efforts DH makes to enlist you in the clean-up efforts. Point out the mess to DH, and then make a big show of curling your upper lip in disgust, holding your nose, and leaving the room.

SS28 used to leave tire tracks in our toilets all the damn time. I, ah, encouraged DH to initiate him into the mysteries of the toilet brush. DH is not enthusiastic about cleaning toilets himself, which I helpfully offered as the alternative. He finally managed to convey to his pride and joy the importance of consistently using this implement in a household shared not with his Mommy who lovingly cleaned up after him but with an Evil Stepmother who had all kinds of arcane expectations and rules.

You're absolutely correct that these slatterns should pick up after themselves, but if your DH wants to do it, hey, let him knock himself out. Your concern is to get the job done, and not by you.

Independent of any other issues this incident raised, your DH should not be shouting at you about anything, ever, even if as he claims you're driving him to the brink of insanity. That is abusive, and you should take steps to shut that sh!t down, STAT.

MissTexas's picture

and I never will. Those days are LOOOONG GONE. 

I now go inspect everything before MY company is expected, including bringing the nice down pillows over with clean bleached pillow cases and linens. I also make sure there's plenty of toilet paper and the like. I even go so far as to fold the last square into a "V" like some of the better hotels, signaling "you're the first to use this since entering." I used to do all this irregardless of who was coming. 

DH knows his grandbrat screwed up and of course, gave every excuse in and out of the book:"Maybe it was her first time." "Maybe she was embarrassed." Maybe she wasn't sure what to do with it. At least she didn't flush it down the toilet."   I explained this is something that has to be taught and vistited about, and if he will not address it with her parents, or her directly, then maybe I need to post a sign on the toilet or on the batrhoom wall somewhere. If I had thought of it I would've asked my step brother to take a picture and print it, frame it  and post it on the wall requesting the offender dispose of their messes accordingly.

Correct. DH should NOT be screaming at me that I'm making him F***ing insane, when it is HIS REFUSAL to address ANY ISSUES with his brats. He would rather "take care of everything" himself. 

DH is meticulously clean, and that's why it is curious to me that he would think emptying the bathroom trashcan filled with  his grandbrat's bloody pad was HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

I will never understand that.

It boils down to common decency. Brats are slobs and now grandbrats are slobs. The generation pigstye continues. 

Thanks!

Rags's picture

Inform him that his family is no longer welcome in your home or on any property you own.  You are done with his shallow and polluted gene pool.

smh

thinker's picture

Could you just hire a cleaner everytime DH's family comes and make him pay the bill.  That's what we do.  If we couldn't afford a cleaner and they don't clean up after themselves, then I'd probably not allow them to return.  I always clean up, wash and replace sheets and takeout the trash when I stay at my parent's house, but lately we stay in a VRBO or hotel near my parents when we visit because it's easier on DH and my parents. 

MissTexas's picture

scenario.

When you have a daddy in denial, he will definitely never agree to paying someone else to do it, especially when he's been doing it all their lives. In some sick way it's his way of making it up to them, and he will do it until his dying breath.

Not allowing them to visit isn't an option because he suffers from severe divorced daddy guilt. I cannot tell you ALL THAT HE DOES when he knows they'll be coming. It's nauseating.

Please know I agree with you wholeheartedly, however, I'm a realist and KNOW this would never happen here.

CLove's picture

The feral part started when I first met her. She would go on her period, announce it to us all, then leave bloody pads in the bathroom trash bin, and THEN proudly announce "its a BLOODBATH in there!!!"

According to SD15 the mother also does this. And when SD was 11 and had her first period, I taught her the proper way to dispose of things. Its nothing to be ashamed of, but no one wants to see and smell someone's period blood. I dont even like the smell and scent of MY OWN.

Luckily shes pretty tidy in that one.